Undone

Somehow, writing from my phone is annoying, and it feels like it cheapens my blog posts, and quite frankly, this deserves my time to sit down and write it out.

Six years ago today, around 4 something in the morning, Scott and I got a call that his Dad (Dave) had passed away. I was just barely 20, and honestly, no one who was close to me (IE I’d spent more than 10 min. one on one with them) had ever died. Dave dying rocked my world in a way that nearly nothing else has. Being married to an oldest brother … i felt like I had some sort of responsibility to make stuff work and make something better, however, being 20 kind of made me… inept and inexperienced. I had friends die, a couple of friends from High school had died, but that was different. While one was sudden (car accident) and wasnt’ expected, not unlike Dave… Something about the parent of your spouse dying makes you feel small and really insignificant (not that this is about me) You realize that, even though you want to some how shove the world back into this happy place, so you can all just… go about life the way it was… you really can’t. There are no words to repair or soothe. Everything is trite. I can distinctly recall that my coping mechanism was….. (drumroll) food. I got donuts. Even though Midori didn’t like donuts, she was down for that. I felt like If I could shove some sugar their way, that’d make things better (?) but once again… 20 years old. I think I did a good job holding it together. I was (very much so) very annoying to Scott, at that point in time. But he was sensitive, and I was … desperate to make him feel better.

I think the pangs of missing Dave didn’t hit me all at once. I missed him when my kids were born. I miss him when Scott’s being stubborn about things. I miss him at family parties. I miss him when we go to Asian Buffets. I miss him when I think of my wedding day. I miss him when my kids are cute, and I wish he were here to share that with. I am sad that he’s not here so we can share in that together. I know he’s proud of Scott and I. How we’ve grown together, and he watches over us. I just… I wish he were here so we could share it all together.

Even though I only knew my father in law… well less than a year, I loved him. Like so many people in his life did. He was a great man, and he raised a good son. 🙂

Derringer Meryl [Not crying, I swear] Out

So I just goo-ed on my private forums with my friends that I really … REALLY hate hiking. that really … could be bolded, and underlined. But I’m lazy. See? LAZY.

Anyway. Let’s review the history of Meryl and hiking. I went hiking once with Girl Scouts. I was a girl Scout. I sold cookies. I had a sash. It was adorable. HOWEVER, the hiking. not so much my friend. They said “ooh let’s go hiking” and I thought “ooh fun.” Because I was like 7 or maybe 8 at the time and I was down with the in crowd and enjoyed the thought of doing stuff outside. Why not?? Well, it had just finished raining, and it wasn’t really muddy, but it was slick. We decided to go down a rocky place, thinking “Oh this wouldn’t be so bad” And yes, we had leaders with us, who was thinking “Oh Meryl never gets hurt, let’s do this, what a fabulous idea” PISS! They were morons. Anyway. I have a bit of problems with heights. I always have. Also steep things. Not a fan. Steep equals falling to me. Scott can testify that I have argued with him about walking down STEEP hills. A Hill. As in grassy knoll outside of a local mall. Outright argument and fight about it. This is why…..

Anyway. we’re traversing, and we don’t even get that far from the cabin until I inevitably slip and fall and Cut my butt on the stupid sharp rocks. YES. Maybe this is a keen time to add that NO ONE I was with I was really close with. I had friends from School, but other wise… just me. So I had to have one of the leaders bandage my swiftly bleeding butt. Yep. Loved it.

OH and let’s not forget the time that I went hiking with our ward Youth conference. It was a pioneer Trek. And if you’ve never been forced to go, be happy. I wasn’t Unhappy about going, I was unhappy about the hiking. I am not a fast walker. I enjoy going at my pace, slow and steady. However, the people in my “family” wanted to race with the other hand carts, and they left me behind. (Thanks a lot jerks) Oh and they took my water too. In the middle of summer, in wyoming. Where there weren’t any trees or pleasant breezes. NADA. Just… really really warm. I’ve never been excellent at drinking water, i don’t like drinking it. I don’t know why. Maybe I hate myself a little. Anyway. One of our support trucks picked me up. Which was nice. I got in and the gentleman offered me water. being the staunch polite girl i was, I said no. I finally caught up with my “family” and we got to camp. No one but me (out of the kids) knew how to pump water. So I stood and did that for a good 40 minutes. Then, Sitting around, my brother and a close friend of mine noticed I was feeling ill and dragged me into the shade. Yep. I had good case of heat Stroke. Whoo whoo! I sat around for the evening vomiting what water i took in and being carted to the outhouse by the young men in my ward. EMBARRASSING!

The long and short of it is, I don’t like people saying “You have to do this, really, you should do this! It’ll be so amazing, you should hike!” blah blah blah. I’m fat. I’ve been fat for a long time. I don’t see that just magically changing (and shut your mouth with the “Maybe it would if you hiked!!”) so the idea of “Let’s walk 5 miles up and back to see something that you could probably download from your computer at home” I’m just not down with that. I like strolling. I prefer to do that alone. Hiking alone is a recipe for lost hiker. Basically it’s a moronic thing to do. I get sick in the sun now. Like at the drop of a hat. I prefer to stay inside. Any walking to be done, will be done on a tredmill. Thanks though.

Derringer Meryl [pow pow] Out

Doesn’t it seem like theres always stuff to do!?

I have been trying to wean myself off my antidepressants. I hate taking pills, and it just seems like they are hard to keep up with.

My car is being stupid and broken. Which is frustrating. I am not enjoying having to have scott drive me to work. And then kate got foot and mouth and now I have sores in my mouth too!  It is no fun. I hope I didnt get anyone sick, but I never had a fever… So it’s hard to tell when I was contagious.

Scott’s Yoshi quilt is on my quilt frame. I just have to find energy and time to finish it. Blerg. So. Then I have a robot quilt to finish too.

Oh! If you find some nice cheap high quality flat sheets, I want to hand quilt a twin quilt for kate with bender on it!

Oh Lawdy, here we go….

Goals for 2010:

Save Money– Nope. Not really. we’d get there, and then a catastrphe would happen, and BAM, gone. So just a clean solid, No. Luckily we have a plan right now. I’m in control, and dang it, it’s going to happen.
Pay off debt (Most importantly RC Willey, and Scott’s Car) – Also No, THough we did get RC willey paid down, the car wasn’t paid more than usual. Also have a plan for this.
Have a great time at Disneyland – Heck yes! I love Disneyland> I’d live there if I could.
Give Audrey a Great Party (whoo hoo!) – Yep. Good party, we all had fun, she was adorable too!
Become a Stay at Home mom – Uh no. There was a snafu that ended up wtih Scott taking a lower paying job, due to being laid off. In any case, the high falutin’ dreams of staying at home with my kids are being put off. Should I ever win the lottery, this will come back into play. 😉
Spend more time with my kids and Scott – I know I can say Yes for the Scott one. WE have agreed on weekly date nights. They are often the highlight of my week. I do my best to spend the time ihave with my kids too. Sometimes though, I feel like they are constantly at a babysitter. I feel rotten about that.
Learn to Cook … better? More? Whichever, or both 😉 – I have to say that more of our meals this year were home made than in the past. There is still plenty of room for improvement though.
Learn and grow more in the gospel – God works in mysterious ways. I think a lot of growth was to be had this year.
Sit IN the chapel more than once a (EDIT) month. – I would say that more often than not when we did make it to church, we did sit in the chapel. Which makes me immensely happy.
Potty train Katie (if she’s ready, and I think she is. 🙂 – YES! Katie is pretty solidly potty trained, dry though the night, dry in the day, no accidents for a while. I am pleased!!! Such a big girl!

Goals for the new year? Why not. I am not disclosing all of my goals, I think some things are best worked out in private:

Debt Debt debt. I will pay off RC willey, however I will incur new debt in fixing the roof. I hope to have that paid off this year too!
Find happiness in my life.
Keep my house in order
Grow Closer to the Lord
Cook more
Attend a Concert (Out of the blue right?)
Finish some quilts

That’s all I can think of at the moment. If I think of more, I’ll come back and add them in. 😉

Recap. Hmm

Started Depression Meds
Scott got New job
Scott Got Laid off and hired a new place same day (thank Goodness!)
Went To Disneyland with DQ Had a blast
DQ Meets someone
Big Bro and Fam Come to visit
Audrey Says Mama!
I stop taking my meds…
Pep Is born
Kate turns 3! OMG!
Audrey Starts Scooting
Not taking meds is a bad idea
DQ is engaged! Huzzah
Go to Interview for new job
Start Therapy
Finally (a month later) hear back from job, GOT THE JOB!! YAY! I left Hell Job! HUZZAH!
Start new job
Quit therapy
Little JD is born!
Decide to dye my hair
shortly there after, decide not to
DQ gets married *tear, Sniffle*
Audrey Sliced my foot open. Ouch
Finish Little JD’s quilt
Repair Little G’s quilt
Start whole heartedly on Scott’s quilt
Decide to craft more for Christmas
Little G was born! So much love!
Christmas
Turn… old. 😉

That’s about it Folks. I’m sure I’ve forgotten something… or a lot of somethings. Don’t fault me. I’m brain dead.

Derringer Meryl [Love, peace, happiness] out

Why is Mommy So Mad?

I was discussing something along these lines with a friend of mine. I think every woman, and even person, has different opinions on what kind of “parenting” style is best. But the truth is, it’s BEST for them. I like to keep my mind open, I like to hear about what other people do, simply because I DO NOT know what I’m doing. I try to do my best. I try to keep my kids happy and well balanced. Though it’s becoming quickly apparent that they are SPOILED (really bad! I certainly didn’t have this many toys! Clothes, or people catering to me!) but other than that, we try to curb them fairly well. Teach them manners, and not to be jerks, and it’s hard! I think everyone is just trying not to screw their kids up. And quite honestly– I dont’ think there is a way to do that….

The debates don’t end with Child rearing. I suppose you could say they start with pregnancy. How to behave, no pills no help, midwife, OBGYN…. Home births, water births (though not mutually exclusive), c-section, natural, epidural… blah blah blah… What is right and wrong. People talk about C-sections like it’s horrible. Like you’re going to get sliced into like a christmas ham and left to bleed out on the table. Good Lord. I am defensive, I’ll admit, because I have a lot of baggage about my C-section. I can hear my mom saying “but you had to have one” and while that’s technically true in a way, I had a choice. I took the path of less resistance. I will full on admit that I think people spouting the “Your body knows when to push your baby out” bullshit. Excuse my french. Maybe their body is reliable, and can do things like that. Maybe they’re blessed with the patience and ability to sit around and nest instead of being chained to a desk nearly in tears from the pain of being pregnant while trying to help some moron with their customer service needs. Maybe some women enjoy the experience of working up until their water breaks or they bust out in full on contractions, But I was SICK of waiting. I was sick of feeling the hiccups and the kicks while hearing someone whine about their cellphone’s lack of signal when they were talking in the subway. I guess what I’m saying is, Maybe next time I can enjoy being pregnant, and maybe someday I’ll be able to sit around and have warm fuzzy feelings about wanting to wait my baby out, but over all. I was wanting her out (either or) and I wanted them out sooner than later. maybe I’m impatient, but honestly, does that make me a bad mommy? no.

Be happy with your choices. Love yourself and you children, and to hell with anyone who criticizes your parenting choices. ;P

Derringer Meryl [haha] Out