Undone

Somehow, writing from my phone is annoying, and it feels like it cheapens my blog posts, and quite frankly, this deserves my time to sit down and write it out.

Six years ago today, around 4 something in the morning, Scott and I got a call that his Dad (Dave) had passed away. I was just barely 20, and honestly, no one who was close to me (IE I’d spent more than 10 min. one on one with them) had ever died. Dave dying rocked my world in a way that nearly nothing else has. Being married to an oldest brother … i felt like I had some sort of responsibility to make stuff work and make something better, however, being 20 kind of made me… inept and inexperienced. I had friends die, a couple of friends from High school had died, but that was different. While one was sudden (car accident) and wasnt’ expected, not unlike Dave… Something about the parent of your spouse dying makes you feel small and really insignificant (not that this is about me) You realize that, even though you want to some how shove the world back into this happy place, so you can all just… go about life the way it was… you really can’t. There are no words to repair or soothe. Everything is trite. I can distinctly recall that my coping mechanism was….. (drumroll) food. I got donuts. Even though Midori didn’t like donuts, she was down for that. I felt like If I could shove some sugar their way, that’d make things better (?) but once again… 20 years old. I think I did a good job holding it together. I was (very much so) very annoying to Scott, at that point in time. But he was sensitive, and I was … desperate to make him feel better.

I think the pangs of missing Dave didn’t hit me all at once. I missed him when my kids were born. I miss him when Scott’s being stubborn about things. I miss him at family parties. I miss him when we go to Asian Buffets. I miss him when I think of my wedding day. I miss him when my kids are cute, and I wish he were here to share that with. I am sad that he’s not here so we can share in that together. I know he’s proud of Scott and I. How we’ve grown together, and he watches over us. I just… I wish he were here so we could share it all together.

Even though I only knew my father in law… well less than a year, I loved him. Like so many people in his life did. He was a great man, and he raised a good son. 🙂

Derringer Meryl [Not crying, I swear] Out

A friend of mine passed this week. it seems to bring back the flood of people I know who have passed on. I think of each of them and grieve a little bit more. It’s like adding a little bit of weight on to my emotional back. I miss him.

we used to sit at our desks and look out the window at funerals. We could see them. I saw the tent they set up if it was raining, or too hot, or for fun I guess? it seemed to announce that someone had died. So sad.

I have been thinking extensively that if the world stopped every time someone died, we would never get anything done. which is good. I guess. I found out Wednesday, I felt mostly fine Thursday, I feel like I’m wading into treacherous water today. about to go off the deep end.

why did you leave us jeremy? We miss you. We are missing you. it might be a long time before I see you again. But I will. So I guess I’ll just have to wait.

Derringer Meryl [Good Bye Funny Man] Out

Today, My Dog died. It sucks. She was pretty sick. I won’t go into the details, simply because… well, it’s really really gross. We got our dogs when I was… *thinks* Around nine I guess? I don’t know. She was in a lot of pain though… so I’m okay with it.

I’ve been really sick the past few days. Saturday until today… I”m still not feeling too great. My ear feels all clogged. my head hurts really bad. My throat is sore, my nose is running like all get out.

I want to sleep, really bad. I woke up at six am this morning. Haven’t gotten more than a half hour at a time since. *sighs* I want to sleep. I want nyquil. I want to drug myself into a sweet slumber.

Alas, there is no more nyquil, or dayquil for that matter. I considered calling mom to bring me some, but I figured that I was married now, and i should just deal with the fact that I have no money right now. *sighs*

My car isnt’ finished. Scott’s dad checked wiht the STUPID mechanic, and he hasn’t even started working on it yet. STUPID guy. I hate him so bad. It’s been over a week, and he hasn’t done jack.

What a jerk.

Derringer Meryl [In Lots of Pain] Out

2004-08-12 – 6:50 p.m.

I have to do this, because, I guess, it’s kinda part of a healing process for me, If I didn’t do it on here, I’d have to dig out an old journal and do it… *sighs* So I’m doing it here.

Today was Marci’s funeral. It was odd. Before the funeral, I felt fine. No tears, and only the apprehension that i’d end up stepping on someone’s toes with my large mouth. (so I kept it shut.) We walked in to find a display of everything Marci, and a very touching slide show. I immediately burst into tears. One of the first few pictures I saw was of Marci, Kristianne and I. Presumably from before The Specialist and Antigone’s wedding. (I think so, *shrugs*) My face was kinda hidden– So maybe it wasn’t me. Maybe I was just wishing it was. Wishing I had been a better friend to Marci.

We went to the chapel and sat down. I didn’t know the viewing was still going on, and I had no clue that The Specialist and Antigone were anywhere around. I wasn’t really thinking well at the moment. (still not really thinking too well.) Wudan and Sukie came and told us to go see them in the Relief Society room. Scott and I didn’t get to say anything to them, I felt kinda like we intruded on a moment just for family. That’s something I’ve been thinking a lot about lately. How could I have been closer to Marci? Heck, how can I be closer to my entire family, and friends? I admire how Sukie and Wudan rushed to help her family and comfort them.

I wanted to give Kristianne a big hug and tell her I love her so much…. But didn’t. I don’t know why I’m so silly like that. I’m just… so silly. I hope someone tells her that. That I love her very much. I wish, at times like this, I was closer to home to be of some use. To comfort.

Like I said, I didn’t get to talk to Either Antigone or The Specialist. But The Specialist did walk past me, and I squoze his hand. I wish I could have convayed everything I wanted to have said at that moment. That I love him very much, no matter what. That I wish I could be a bigger part of his life now, that I miss him so much, and I was sorry for their loss. Too bad a hand squeeze doesn’t do that.

I wanted to Hug Marci’s whole family, and say something deep and meaningful that would help them feel better. I didn’t for fear that anything I might have said would be trite and possibly offensive.

Scott and I opted not to go to the interment. I didn’t feel it was really mine, or Scott’s, place. I hope The Specialist and Antigone understand why.

I wish I was clever. I wish I knew what words to say to make even a moment better. I wish I was eloquent and made you understand how I feel in this.

But I’m not. And all i can say is I miss her. I miss her smile. I miss how good she made me feel about being me.

I just do.

Derringer Meryl [tissue bonanza] Out

I’m pretty– helpless?

Unreasonable, Unlogical, and Different.

So before I start this new entry and new week of posting, I’d like to note, that I’m still sad that Marci died. I miss her. I’m worried about Kristianne…

But I don’t want to focus on it. So I’m not going to.

*coughs*

Scott and I are getting a new mattress today. I’m pretty freaking excited. The one we have now, is from when Scott was like, thirteen, and it smells … ewll… foul. and kinda like a thirteen year old boy. *shudders* Okay. SO yeah, i”m pretty thrilled about that though.

I got a call from convergys today. I thought they were going to say that I was some sort of closet drug addict and that they weren’t going to hire me because of that, but Nope… they just wanted to know about what time of day I wanted to start working at…. Ten to 12, naturally. Like I’d actually wake up early. Early is for… early people.

Right.

Whelp, I can’t think of much more to say– except the hicks over yonder are hacking on our Internet cables. As in literally chopping htem up, so …if you don’t hear from me– that’s why.

Derringer Meryl [Silly Hicks] out