Undone

When it’s late at night (and FYI it’s late at night) I like to write, and I like to pick little niggly things apart.

I like to read Fanfiction. I like to lose myself in someone else’s imagination. I like to be overwhelmed with emotion, I prefer it to be happy, but it’s like being adrift in a sea of emotion. letting things buoy you up and drag you down.

There’s a line from a movie, that I didn’t love, it didn’t do GREAT, it’s the last movie I think I saw Meg Ryan in, and frankly I think she’s kind of… DONE. You know? but that’s what happens when your whole acting career is based on the fact that you’re “adorable” and then you get botchy plastic surgery …. While Kate and Leopold is cute (it’s the movie I”m referencing here) it’s not either of their characters I like, pretty much at all.

The lovable character… the character that makes me cry when he says this line is her ex boyfriend stuart. You may not know the actor (Liev Schreiber ) he’s not been in a terribly large amount of things, but the quote that I adore is this:

It is no more crazy than a dog finding a rainbow. Dogs are colourblind, Gretchen. They don’t see colour. Just like we don’t see time. We can feel it, we can feel it passing, but we can’t see it. It’s just like a blur. It’s like we’re riding in a supersonic train and the world is just blowing by, but imagine if we could stop that train, eh, Gretchen? Imagine if we could stop that train, get out, look around, and see time for what it really is? A universe, a world, a thing as unimaginable as colour to a dog, and as real, as tangible as that chair you’re sitting in. Now if we could see it like that, really look at it, then maybe we could see the flaws as well as the form. And that’s it; it’s that simple. That’s all I discovered. I’m just a… a guy who saw a crack in a chair that no one else could see. I’m that dog who saw a rainbow, only none of the other dogs believed me.

While he’s talking about time (obviously) since the movie relates to time travel, I feel this way with things on occasion. We live such fast paced lives that sometimes we don’t pay attention to what we’re feeling. We just box it away deep in our stomach and shove some fast food on top of it and let our guts hang over our waist bands (not that I’m any different as far as the fatness goes, I’m just saying).  I soak it all in. I think about what I’m feeling, a lot. Some people say i’m over dramatic… when I say some people, I mean EVERY PERSON WHO HAS EVER TALKED TO ME…. See what I mean? I don’t just look at how I’m feeling and say “yep that’s it” and toss it aside. I crawl down deep inside it. I live in it. I explore it. Like a great big ocean with caves that are so dark and deep. I want to see every part. I want to feel it wash against me.

I feel sad, a lot (alot, cause it makes me think of Allie Brosh when I smoosh it all together). Sometimes I don’t feel like getting out of bed. Sometimes, I don’t feel like there are words to describe it. There is no picture to paint, no story to tell. I’m just lost and trapped, and scared and alone. It makes my chest tight, and my heart heavy. It makes me wish for simpler days. It makes me wish that I wasn’t terrified of tomorrow. (I shouldn’t borrow worry from tomorrow, as tomorrow has it’s own worries and troubles ;))

Hope, it’s what I need. Hope that something will change, something will be better.

I am struggling with the thought of getting medication again. Medication and I don’t have a great history. the last meds I took left me more depressed and unsure than I was before I had them. So i always think twice now when I’m down. I think “Can I get through this? Do I really need it.” I feel like a cloud has been hanging over me for a month. if so not more. I am trying. I am trying. What else can I ask for? to focus on trying not to be smothered and drowned in my own depression is about all I can manage right now.

I should probably go see a therapist. But how do I randomly pick one of those off of a website? Sheesh.

Look for upcoming changes to the blog. nothing massive, just little changes (they’ve started happening already ;))

Derringer Meryl [ a little unwell] Out

I don’t enjoy being depressed. If I miss a day of my medication, i feel very off kilter, and like I have lost my grip on reality. I imagine, at least a little bit that this is how people in the movie inception feel. I suppose though, that Inception in its self is a completely other blog post.

Sorry if this all sounds kind of melancholy. As I mentioned I missed ONE dose of my meds this weekend, and I am fighting the sensation of being shoved under water. It’s quite un-fun actually.  I had a good weekend, spent some time with Carebear and her Mom and Katie had tons of fun with her little girl. They (all three, Audrey included) have a great time together. It was much better than being at home. I find when I am unoccupied the bad negative thoughts have a chance to sneak in and plant themselves in my brain. it’s Been hard to keep occupied, but luckily I have been watching a lot of netflix, which has Xena on it. Which I have to say is MUCH more campy than I remember it. haha. Now. If I could find the way to connect Xena and Buffy (or more directly Joss Whedon) My cult fan girly ness would be satiated. I like things to be related, and link together neatly. IE:  I like Buffy, who was created by Joss Whedon, who also created firefly and Dr. Horrible. Dr. Horrible starred Felicia Day and NPH. Felicia day is in the Guild (and writes it too) and NPH is in HIMYM, that Allyson Hannigan is also in, she was in Buffy. Joss Whedon also has worked on Glee, (along with NPH) The office, Oh and he’s worked with Nathan Fillion (dreamy) who is on Castle.  Felicia Day has been on House (another fav) and on Lie to Me (classic!) Spreading the joy of things that link together further. *sigh* Oh and Let’s not even get into Wil Wheaton. His joy makes me all gooey. Not literally. That would be bad.

I am pretty burned out on Twilight. If I had the time/energy to find a nice new background, you bet your bippy I’d be changing it. But I can’t think of anything. I would like something classic and dark. Simply because if it’s dark I don’t have to change too much on the layout. Also I find dark colors to be more sleek and clean looking. Simplistic.

I wish i could still write. i wish the poetry and pain could just flow out of me.  Like lancing a cyst. Just watch it all drain away.  I wish the things I said weren’t trite and stupid. I wish people believed me.  Since no one does, I don’t even believe myself anymore. Do you know what kind of insanity that causes? To think your ownself a liar? Your own psyche divided against its self.  It’s painful. Eventually you just become numb. Why should it be any different? There is no more honesty. No definition of what is real and what isn’t.  It’s all just a game. living inside your head. No real enemy, no real friend. Just shadow puppets, long and lean against the wall. No one to trust or believe.  Everything is wrong, everything is right. Every step is on granite and quick sand.  No way of knowing at what point you’ll sink.  Every person you see a traitor and ally. Deep abiding paranoia and trust residing side by side in your heart. You know that every person loves you, and is going to betray you.

Maybe I have the best grip on reality of all.

Derringer Meryl [being insane is clarity] Out

I am going for an interview tomorrow. I am trying not to say anything on facebook, because well, I don’t want to cause a stir with my employer who spies on my facebook account. If the man is reading my blog well… 😛 none ya bidness MAN!

Anyway.

I’m pretty excited about it. An interview, is just an interview, but it makes me feel marketable. I hope something positive comes of it.

We went tonight to roast marshmellows and hot dogs. Delicious. Katie loved the river, and slipped in a little bit. but she didn’t get too wet. I also got off work early to go to my doctor’s appointment. It was miserable. I took the two kids, and the doctor was running an hour behind. UGH! You know what is miserable, two kids who are super grumpy and need naps trapped in a small room with a few books and one toy that the older one won’t share. That is what I call hell. Anyway. i told the doctor about my dreams that seem to just be false memories, that I swear up and down that they have happened. he asked if they were hallucinations, and I said no. He seemed nonplussed. I am much more concerned for my sanity. I don’t think all mentally unhealthy people are as easy to detect as a paranoid schizophrenic. But still. I think maybe I’ll go to psychiatrist, for all of my mental health needs. I am finding that i’m having a hard time trusting people. My paranoia is increasing. I feel tense and anxious when it’s unnatural. I told the doctor today that I shouldn’t take wellbutrin, I remember I got taken off of it really fast as a teen, but I couldn’t remember why. He still seemed insistent. There is nothing I dislike more than a doctor who is unwilling to listen to my needs. DO NOT LIKE. Anyway. Off to look for Psychiatrists in the area.
Derringer Meryl [what what!] Out

here again.

Sorry these titles just pop into my head as i start blogging.

Life has been hectic. Amazing and horrible.  Mostly the second one, but as of yesterday (being friday, not Saturday) I have started to feel a lot better. I don’t think it’s my medication, I think I have just… let go. I have a hard time remembering to not take on more than I should. That no one (but myself usually) expects me to be perfect and to do all these amazing/wonderful things and … I over extend myself a lot, which causes problems in any situation.
I would say “don’t worry about me” but that is a stupid thing to say. So i guess something better to say is, Thank you for worrying about me. I appreciate it. I realize that I’m very dramatic, and it’s hard for me to simply say the things I need to, but… I am trying to be a happier person, and to find some peace within myself. I also plan on going to the doctor in the next few weeks to discuss my medication. The side effects and it’s lack of improvement in me, is enough for me to want to kick it to the curb and get back to Zoloft. I’m not nursing anymore, so why not? At least I’ll be on something that works again!

Since church is at 9 am, I should probably sleep (Audrey too, she’s Scooting now, and has scooted herself from the main part of our basement over to where our computer is. Little butt scooter. She’s a dear heart.

I love that she has the name she does. it just seems like such an optimistic name for such a happy light hearted girl.

Derringer Meryl [scooting] out

I am the oldest continuous blog in my family now since the Specialist stopped blogging. Whoo. Been doing it since 2001 and I don’t see me stopping any time soon.  Mostly because I may not get much feed back from people but I enjoy writing and listening to myself “talk” which is why I do blog.

I have been trying to write in a personal journal too, which makes things hard. I started medication January 14 (wahoo) and have been trying to use my personal journal to monitor if it’s actually working. I feel like it is. Which feels good, but on the other hand it feels weird. I sometimes feel like I am still VERY anxious about things, however the rhyme and reason of it has been removed… for example, i think of it like a math equation 3+4=7 (obviously) however it’s harder to understand what’s going on when you just put 3 4 7 without any indicators of what’s going on. I suppose if you had one more number in there it could make a pattern… maybe 3 4 7 11… But I’m getting off topic here…. without the mathematical symbols to tell you what the numbers are doing, they become nonsensical. like my brain trying to be anxious on drugs….

Our disneyland vacation starts in 14 days, i am ecstatic.

also as of tuesday, Scott and i will have known each other 6 years! Amazing! i would say it seems like just yesterday, but it doesn’t. It feels like a lifetime ago. It’s also the same day that Dave passed away 5 years ago. it feels surreal.

Derringer Meryl [living backwards] out