Undone

When I was little,  I was prone to fits.

I would cry and cry. I would throw myself down and get red in the face.  I lacked subtly.

When I’d get worked up,  whether it was reasonable or not…  I  can remember my dad… He would place me on his lap and rub my back until my sobbing subsided. Tell me to take deep breaths.  Then when I was calm he would explain the way the world worked. He would look in my eyes, and i would focus on his. He taught me that you showed you were paying attention by eye contact. His eyes weren’t steady but I could tell they were searching for a glimmer of understanding. That I heard and comprehended the things he was telling me.

I did.

Once when I was older, engaged. I had a nightmare. It was terrifying. It shook me. I cannot remember all the details, but I remember only wanting the feeling of calm and comfort of having small circles rubbed on my back and the steady low voice of my father.

Somehow, writing from my phone is annoying, and it feels like it cheapens my blog posts, and quite frankly, this deserves my time to sit down and write it out.

Six years ago today, around 4 something in the morning, Scott and I got a call that his Dad (Dave) had passed away. I was just barely 20, and honestly, no one who was close to me (IE I’d spent more than 10 min. one on one with them) had ever died. Dave dying rocked my world in a way that nearly nothing else has. Being married to an oldest brother … i felt like I had some sort of responsibility to make stuff work and make something better, however, being 20 kind of made me… inept and inexperienced. I had friends die, a couple of friends from High school had died, but that was different. While one was sudden (car accident) and wasnt’ expected, not unlike Dave… Something about the parent of your spouse dying makes you feel small and really insignificant (not that this is about me) You realize that, even though you want to some how shove the world back into this happy place, so you can all just… go about life the way it was… you really can’t. There are no words to repair or soothe. Everything is trite. I can distinctly recall that my coping mechanism was….. (drumroll) food. I got donuts. Even though Midori didn’t like donuts, she was down for that. I felt like If I could shove some sugar their way, that’d make things better (?) but once again… 20 years old. I think I did a good job holding it together. I was (very much so) very annoying to Scott, at that point in time. But he was sensitive, and I was … desperate to make him feel better.

I think the pangs of missing Dave didn’t hit me all at once. I missed him when my kids were born. I miss him when Scott’s being stubborn about things. I miss him at family parties. I miss him when we go to Asian Buffets. I miss him when I think of my wedding day. I miss him when my kids are cute, and I wish he were here to share that with. I am sad that he’s not here so we can share in that together. I know he’s proud of Scott and I. How we’ve grown together, and he watches over us. I just… I wish he were here so we could share it all together.

Even though I only knew my father in law… well less than a year, I loved him. Like so many people in his life did. He was a great man, and he raised a good son. 🙂

Derringer Meryl [Not crying, I swear] Out