Undone

yesterday I signed up for being able to view my labs and stuff online! It’s super cool, quite frankly I love it. It’ll show me labs for pretty much back to 2000… which once again, is flippin’ cool.

I like reading that stuff. I learned things that my doctors never deigned to tell me. LIke that I had a hematoma with my daughter Audrey … it’s apparently REALLY normal (according to the internet) but no one ever chose to tell me. She was also breech at her 20 week appt. Maybe I’ll never have a head down baby. little jerks!

I also found the lab reports for my unborn baby from 2005. It was heart breaking. This blog, while public, is probably the only place I’ll mention it. Though my husband did just abscond with the computer a moment ago, so I suppose he read it…

I realized as well last night the time between my last daughter’s birth and now (and every day still) is the longest time I’ve been NOT pregnant in our entire marriage. Which is weird to think about.

Yes I am thinking about babies a lot lately.

Yes I understand I sound quite strange.

Yes I should probably not think about it so much since we’re still waiting.

No. I am not going to explain to you why this is important to me. It’s special and I don’t want to talk about it with people who are just going to roll their eyes at how I feel. It’s kind of an on going policy.

Also i don’t consider myself to be like, a baby churning out machine. Clearly I am able to exercise restraint in having children, as I don’t have 25, and If I did have 25 kids (not sure if possible at my age) who the hugs business is it but mine and my husband’s how many kids we decide to have (3, thank you very much). I realize i’m getting defensive at a conversation I’m having essentially with myself, but welcome to my life.

Anyway. I love being pregnant, even though it’s hard. It *IS* hard. But I love it. I love tiny babies, I love watching my kids grow, and helping them be great people. I am just looking forward to doing it again.

Derringer Meryl [BAAAAAAAAAAAAABIES] Out

A few girls on my message board are having problems with their marriages. I feel so badly. I wish I could somehow help them, instill some of the happiness that I have.

Something that keeps me happy is having my wedding pictures up. It seems like a DUMB thing, but honestly, it’s one of the best days of my life. Looking at the pictures helps me remember that. Helps me say “Look at Scott, look at how much he loves me. You can see it in his face.” when some days I don’t get to see him, and honestly some days our passing each other is enough to hand off babies and fall asleep. Every minute of our life isn’t happily ever after, and I’ll admit sometimes I get mad about STUPID STUFF (DISHES!!) and it’s nice that when I roll over in bed and think about how I can’t sleep and Scott slept all day (though to be quite frank it’s not about quantity it’s about quality… and, well that’s something else entirely…) and I see our wedding pictures we have hanging on our wall… and I feel so good. I wish I had more pictures on my walls. I LOVE pictures. which is why people get them as gifts from me so often (Mom and Dad ;)) Because it’s a beautiful thing to be able to capture a moment, and remember it forever. I wish I could take pictures. I mean I can, I’m just not… magic about it. Maybe someday I’ll invest some time in it… I’m borrowing my Dad’s nice camera (Ok, not his NEW camera, but a very nice one nonetheless…) and It’d probably be good If i learned how to use it a little.

Even if I never learn, and never get good, I love pictures. I have pictures from when my nephews were little and visited with me all the time, it’s good to remember all these things. i have pictures hanging out with my family on the front porch. I took pictures (as snap-shotty as ever) of The Boy’s First Birthday…. I wish we had taken pictures like we had with Katie for Audrey. With Katie we got a picture of EVERYONE the first time they held her. Those are some of my favorite pictures. I have one of The Specialist holding Katie and I remember the “argument” that Sukie had with him moments before to hold her. The Specialist didn’t want to. They were leaving, Sukie had left the room, and he held her…. And see right now I remember Sukie holding Audrey and saying to Wudan to hold her and get used to it again LOL. I don’t have a picture of Wudan holding Audrey though, so I won’t remember it. I’m sure the memory will fade eventually. I remember with my wedding that between pictures I was humming Brick by Ben Folds Five. I had it stuck in my head, and it was HORRIBLE (it’s a horrible song to have stuck in your head on your wedding day). I have a picture of Scott’s dad giving us bunny ears as we posed. I remember thinking that I’d just edit him out so we could have a nice picture– but I would never ever change it now.

I am feeling grateful for life, grateful for all my happy memories, and the ability to remember them.

Derringer Meryl [wallpaper my life] Out

Sometimes, when I meet or see people (or just plain know people) who are newly engaged, or who are just fresh in love… I envy them.

In marriage it’s easier to remember the fact that someone forgot to take out the trash or that you’ve cooked dinner every night for a month, and that you need a night away from the screaming kids, and you’d love if your spouse would look at you like they used to when it seemed like you were the whole world. It’s easy to forget the good things and hard to forget the bad. In my almost five years of marriage I have learned things that are essential to being happy.  #1) Be honest. All the time. Being honest and being hurtful aren’t the same. I think that’s an important difference most people don’t get. Often you hear someone say something rude and they say “I’m just being honest.” when in all reality they are being malicious. I am horrible at keeping secrets from Scott.  And I like it that way. I like being bothered when I try and keep things from him. I love to talk to him so much that not telling him something is annoying, and I’d rather not.  #2) Communication. You hear Oprah and Dr. Phil and everyone who has ever dispensed advise blather on about how important communication is in a marriage, so people talk and talk to each other and don’t understand why they don’t feel better.  Communication is just as much about talking as it is about listening. Listening to both the words and the tone will help anyone understand their spouse better. #3) Put all of yourself into making the other person happy. This is possibly the best advice I ever got before getting married. I may have never mentioned it before… If you spend all your time thinking and working to make your spouse happy– and they spend all their time to make you happy… It is most assured that you will be happy. It only works if both people are doing it though. #4) Don’t keep track. Don’t think about how you took out the trash, and did the dishes, and changed the diaper, and etc etc. Don’t keep track of what you did, and they didn’t. It’s a start of a fight (in your head) and you’re spending all that time noticing what you’re doing and probably being angry about it– that you don’t even notice what they’re doing.  Don’t keep track. Don’t remember that they asked your oldest to come and get you so they could get into the car and go home. #5) remember. Remember what it was like to be freshly in love. remember what it was like when you couldn’t be away from each other…. as important as it is to forget somethings, it is doubly important to remember your love for each other.

I don’t think my marriage is perfect. Far from it. But it’s good. It’s solid. And I love my husband.

Derringer Meryl [Marriage] Out

To know you’re pregnant, but not feel it. Other than a few bouts of “MAN i wish I could throw up” and my need to pee like 20 times a day, nothing has really changed at all. It’s weird. Oh well.

Katie read a book in bed this morning (in our bed, she went to sleep at 9pm and slept most of the night in her own bed, but around 5 woke up and came into mine. I don’t mind too much. I know that once she’s in the basement in a big girl bed, she will probably roll out of bed, and fall asleep somewhere  along the way. She’s done it before … only rolling out of Scott and I’s bed. LOL. I’m trying to write down all the things Katie is going to need, and the new baby will need when the time comes. I think we’ll be better prepared this time (duh) but we will need LOTS of clothes if we have a boy, as currently we HAVE no boy clothes. Though I think we have a few pieces that could go either way.

Scott made Chicken Enchilada’s (YEAH! I KNOW!) on Monday and we had them as left overs last night. They were so awesome. Then I ran Katie to the store to pick up a few things we need to last us the week. (Bread Milk, eggs… cookies. You know stuff like that)  and she zoned out in the car. It was less than five minutes in the car, and she was DONE. I watched a few episodes of FMA last night, as I would rank it as one of the TOP five Anime Ever. Why? The story is complex, but not impossible to follow, they explain it, but they dont’ spell it out. There is a small einsy smidgeon of romance for those who have enough of an imagination to see it — and lots of laughs and hilarity you expect in an Anime. It’s re-watchable, which is desirable in an anime, and if you watch the movie too, it has a pretty good ending. I realized that even though i wasn’t tired I probably better go to bed (and thusly did) as Katie would probably be rising early. She didn’t really. She’s a cuddle bug though, and wants to cuddle you when sleeping. I don’t mind having someone next to me when sleeping, however I do not enjoy being burrowed into while sleeping. So I ended up sleeping upsidedown on the bed as Katie chased me (in a sleepy state) trying to nuzzle next to me. Scott brought home donuts, which make me say yay!

I’m excited about my Brother’s impending marriage… is impending the right word? That makes it sound forboding I think.  Impending… Upcoming would be better. Let’s just go with that. Upcoming wedding! Much better. I still haven’t met his fiancee, however I’m not often in Salt Lake. The majority of my day occurs looking otuside at some beautiful foliage/scenery, wishing I were anywhere but here (No offense to my co-workers, but i think if people were paid to live life, we’d all go for that job instead of the one we have.) They’ve opened new positions at work for “Customer Advocacy” However I won’t be applying. Mostly because I hate angry customers. Really. Sorry angry customers, you should work with someone who will be calm in dealing with you, and won’t need an antacid prescribed just to work with you.

Anyway– Off to work!
Derringer Meryl [Hiho Hiho, it’s off to work I go] Out

about the sudden upbeat “I can Do it” Adittude. Scott woke up this morning with a serious case of the blues. This awoke me to the fact that, wow, Scott thinks it sucks here too. He loves me, and I should be doing more to get us the hell out of here.

So I am.

I love Scott’s family. While I don’t exactly love living with them here. We have no real technical walls, we have no privacy, not even a bathroom of our own really. (There is a case of slight sharing) There is no carpet, there is no sunlight… nothing. We can’t cook anything to eat after a certain time because we might wake his parents, we can’t stick anything on the walls because a) no walls, and b) stuff won’t stick to cement. *sighs*

So yeah. LIfe here sucks. I’m doing my best to improve it. I really want Scott to feel better. I want him to smile and not worry… So I even applied at convergys. DUN DUN DUN!

Derringer Meryl [That’s the power of love] Out