Undone

I hope not. This is not the original image i had in mind, but low and behold, the original did not look as fab as hoped, as the subject was in the middle and you couldn’t see it very well behind my words. This is my compromise. Hope you like it

I am the oldest continuous blog in my family now since the Specialist stopped blogging. Whoo. Been doing it since 2001 and I don’t see me stopping any time soon.  Mostly because I may not get much feed back from people but I enjoy writing and listening to myself “talk” which is why I do blog.

I have been trying to write in a personal journal too, which makes things hard. I started medication January 14 (wahoo) and have been trying to use my personal journal to monitor if it’s actually working. I feel like it is. Which feels good, but on the other hand it feels weird. I sometimes feel like I am still VERY anxious about things, however the rhyme and reason of it has been removed… for example, i think of it like a math equation 3+4=7 (obviously) however it’s harder to understand what’s going on when you just put 3 4 7 without any indicators of what’s going on. I suppose if you had one more number in there it could make a pattern… maybe 3 4 7 11… But I’m getting off topic here…. without the mathematical symbols to tell you what the numbers are doing, they become nonsensical. like my brain trying to be anxious on drugs….

Our disneyland vacation starts in 14 days, i am ecstatic.

also as of tuesday, Scott and i will have known each other 6 years! Amazing! i would say it seems like just yesterday, but it doesn’t. It feels like a lifetime ago. It’s also the same day that Dave passed away 5 years ago. it feels surreal.

Derringer Meryl [living backwards] out

The title to this post makes me think of Pink Floyd’s The Wall But at the same time I’m really wondering if anyone is out there…

It is possible to comment. I wish I had a big Arrow pointing to them, but comments can be left by clicking the number UNDER the date on each post. Please comment? I’ll cry if you don’t. Since I”m pregnant– that’s not really that hard of a task.

I won an ebay bid for some maternity clothes. I’m super excited. I don’t really feel very comfortable talking too much about my pregnancy. I have a very uneasy unhappy feeling about the whole thing. I carry a lot of guilt about it. I feel like someone is mad at me, and honestly everyone says they’re not– so what’s my deal. I think I’M mad at me. Which sounds retarded, but I wanted to lose a lot more weight then I did. I wanted to be in a better place before this happened. But I can’t be upset about this, I should have been more responsible. Anyway. I just feel really guilty. I do. I just do. I even felt guilty a bit towards the end of my pregnancy with katie– but I don’t want to talk about that.  Let’s move on– and not focus on my guilty concious.

Tonight I’ll finish Mandarin’s present for the shower tomorrow, and then (in a whirlwind of activity) I will be going to IPG to get our pics taken by the magnificent Amy Lee (NO not the singer. Before you say it… NO.) and then we will stop and pick up a hack saw and Jig saw (If possible) in WVC and then bustle back home so we can pack up stuff and go to the shower. Poor Scott will probably be exhausted. I am hoping there will be a nice block of time between the shower and our photo shoot that he will be able to get some sleep in, also I’ll be driving tomorrow, so he can sleep in the car.

Scott usually brings home breakfast on Fridays (in tradition) I was pretty grumpy as Katie insisted on sleeping in our bed this morning. (This habit is not a favorite of mine, and is an EXTREME pain when Scott has the night off of work) I let her do it, and was ok for most of the night she conked out really well… I don’t know what’s so great about our bed– but in any case… I was trudging to the dining room when Scott asked if I had seen the corkboard and I told him no (I don’t usually check it unless I know there is a bill i need to pay stuck to it… So I went back and looked at it, and he’d bought me tickets to Twilight! Opening night!!!!

I’m so excited. He arranged for his mom to watch Katie and everything. So me and Drama Queen (if she’s available) will be seeing our favorite vampire novel turned into a movie on November 21st at MIDNIGHT!! I’m so enthused. Scott is VERY thoughtful, and sweet… I’m SO lucky!

Scott’s not a huge Twilight fan, so for him to organize for me to have a night out, I SUPER appreciate it!!

I’m SOOOO excited! GOOOO Twilight!

Derringer Meryl [Yay!!] Out

WAHOO! Entry land. Okay, I’ve been trying to post an entry for the last fifteen minutes. Honest. I”m not completely lazy ya know.

And I update more than once a week like Scott. 😀 Just kidding. I keep him jumping most of the time. I’m a bit of a handful, ya know? I’m always doing something, and thusly dragging Scott with me. Wedding planning is going good.

I GOT MY DRESS! *squeals* I don’t have it with me (at home) it’s getting altered and what not. but it’ll be done in time. I’m so happy. IT means that it’s really getting close now. *smiles*

Lets see.

Um. Right. My OTHER precious is outside. So pretty and Golden. It’s not mine… at all. Or yet or anything. And I don’t need family spazzing out about this, but… Scott and I got a car. Kinda. Maybe. Some kinks need to be worked out. and stuff. I might not have it, Might take it back. Who knows. 🙂

But it’s nice to just look at it and think That’s mine

Scott gets me nice things.

I need to get myself a nice job. Just sent off a resume. Need to find a way to root myself down in American Fork/Orem area without an apartment. *thinks* Maybe… I”ll just go and take the car, and sleep in the car (a la Scott!) Hee hee.

Lots of exciting things are happening. I’m so… very… thin. LIke… not physically thin (duh!) but like Bilbo says in the first movie, he feels like butter that’s been scraped over too much bread. That kind of thin and worn. Like when I sleep, it just isn’t enough.

I got Invader Zim Yesterday! I’m veyr happy. The power was out last night, so I didn’t get to watch it, or type an entry up for in here…. 🙁

I got to go See Van Helsing last night. A lot of people say it sucked. Monkey maintains that it’s a Lion King Ending (with the clouds) and the people at work say the fights rocked (they did!) and the ending sucked (I don’t think so) I think that the ending requires a good grasp on religious aspects to completely understand. I don’t want to give it away, but if you want to understand it, I suggest you pick up the bible and read (Old Testament I do believe)

Or basically take a class in symbolism. 🙂

Derringer Meryl [Basking in Knowledge] Out

I got that new layout I was talking about. Isn’t it special? I thought so. 😀 Still all blushy. I think some of the initial shock of “Oh My Goodness, I’m going to get married” has worn off…. because i’m actually eating again. Sorta scares me…. How much i eat. *shakes her head* My will is in direct comparison to aluminum. *smiles* My mom keeps gently reminding me that i need to stay thin enough that i’ll fit into my wedding dress.

I think I just need to find a happy balance between “Stressed eating everything in sight” Meryl and “I’m so in love i haven’t eaten in hours, and I’m okay with that” Meryl. Neither one is very healthy. I have three months from now until the wedding. I should really work on getting skinnier. Not unhealthy skinny (see Tracy Gold from Growing Pains) but back to a more healthy weight. I mean, I’m not super fat. I know that. I’m not obese. I’m glad of that. I don’t think I’m ugly the way I am. I just would perfer to be smaller, is all. Fifteen pounds is all it would take to knock me from being overweight, to a healthy BMI. Isn’t that sad?

It disturbs me that I’m so obsessed with this. I know Scott doesn’t care. He says I’m beautiful (multiply that into fifteen other ways to say that) just the way I am. I feel beautiful just the way I am. I just wonder if I’m healthy the way I am. And honestly– I’ve never felt prettier than when i’m with Scott. I feel … wanted. No conditions, no rules are bars or “You just need to…” statements. I think that’s wonderful. I just really hate living in this world. I hate living in a place where people are screaming about eating more healthy and looking thinner, and being more fit. I feel like i’m going insane. All that women become are pretty things to look at, very few women are admired for their minds. One tends to believe they have no mind. You don’t hear them speak out– average women. I mean sure, there’s Oprah and Rosie O’Donnell (anyone else want her to shut up?) and Sharon Osborne, but are they saying anything worthwhile? Are they saying it themselves? Or is it just something prefabricated by some person behind the scenes. Just another pretty face to push the package.

*feels a little sad* I guess I kinda went on a binge tonight (I tend to do that when I’m feeling down) I shouldn’t have eaten a lot of what I did. I had two lunches (to make up for the fact I had no breakfast) Dinner, Chips, Pocky, and Pudding…. and two eight ounce bottles of water. Every time I ate I felt my brain screaming “Don’t eat that! You’re going to get fat!” I could say I get that from my mom, one of my earliest recollections was of my mom grabbing my waist and pinching saying that I needed to loose some. I think I was like eight. I dont’ mean to sound like I blame my mom. I’m just– I’m tired of crash dieting. That’s what it is. I don’t blame my mom. She’s the greatest mom ever. She helps me all the time. I love her.

I remember not feeling as pretty as the girls at school, as young as the second grade. My hair was a rats nest, and I was a chubby kid. I was. No doubt. I had a sweet tooth. I had like seven of them. It was all I would eat. Any sib of mine can tell you that. All I’ve ever wanted was to be like the other girls. I don’t know when it finally hit me, but I finally understood that i’m not the other girls. They didnt’ understand me. THey didnt’ understand that I couldn’t do the things they were doing. I didn’t have a boyfriend in Elementary like they did.

Every message I got from my first boyfriend was that I was undesirable. I had never felt so low as I did that year. I looked horrible, I felt horrible. My life was trashed. I was thirty or so pounds overweight. It only got worse with each time he said “God Meryl, Could you weigh anymore?” Sometimes I can stil hear him asking me. I remember how funny he thought it was. I remember trying to cling to how much I loved him. I couldn’t lose him. I was so scared. I think being hurled into depression that year was the best thing that’s ever happened to me. Sure, it sucked at the time, but I felt great after it went away. Because of the depression, I lost my appetite. (Food and my emotions go together like bread and butter) I didn’t eat, so I lost a lot of weight. I learned how to style my hair. I learned that my first boyfriend was a complete and utter jerk (for the lack of a better word that isn’t profane) I pieced my life back together. But I cut a lot of social stuff out of it. I learned that people weren’t really reliable in times of need.

I love me now. I think I look great. I just dont think i’m in a place where I can withstand all the “you need to look…”s of the world. I wrote a poem about it. I got passed up for a lot of prettier girls. I was really– tired of it. Tired of being the girl the guy needed a wingman for. Tired of guys saying “Hey, who’s your friend??”

I’m so glad that I don’t need to worry about the lot of that anymore. The Singles scene. Blah. 😛

To sum this up. Scott thinks I’m great the way I am. I think I’m great the way I am. I want to fit into my wedding dress. So–

No more binging over arguments.

Derringer Meryl [And I’ve waited for him so long] Out