Undone

Somehow, writing from my phone is annoying, and it feels like it cheapens my blog posts, and quite frankly, this deserves my time to sit down and write it out.

Six years ago today, around 4 something in the morning, Scott and I got a call that his Dad (Dave) had passed away. I was just barely 20, and honestly, no one who was close to me (IE I’d spent more than 10 min. one on one with them) had ever died. Dave dying rocked my world in a way that nearly nothing else has. Being married to an oldest brother … i felt like I had some sort of responsibility to make stuff work and make something better, however, being 20 kind of made me… inept and inexperienced. I had friends die, a couple of friends from High school had died, but that was different. While one was sudden (car accident) and wasnt’ expected, not unlike Dave… Something about the parent of your spouse dying makes you feel small and really insignificant (not that this is about me) You realize that, even though you want to some how shove the world back into this happy place, so you can all just… go about life the way it was… you really can’t. There are no words to repair or soothe. Everything is trite. I can distinctly recall that my coping mechanism was….. (drumroll) food. I got donuts. Even though Midori didn’t like donuts, she was down for that. I felt like If I could shove some sugar their way, that’d make things better (?) but once again… 20 years old. I think I did a good job holding it together. I was (very much so) very annoying to Scott, at that point in time. But he was sensitive, and I was … desperate to make him feel better.

I think the pangs of missing Dave didn’t hit me all at once. I missed him when my kids were born. I miss him when Scott’s being stubborn about things. I miss him at family parties. I miss him when we go to Asian Buffets. I miss him when I think of my wedding day. I miss him when my kids are cute, and I wish he were here to share that with. I am sad that he’s not here so we can share in that together. I know he’s proud of Scott and I. How we’ve grown together, and he watches over us. I just… I wish he were here so we could share it all together.

Even though I only knew my father in law… well less than a year, I loved him. Like so many people in his life did. He was a great man, and he raised a good son. 🙂

Derringer Meryl [Not crying, I swear] Out

For sure, this week. Scott (as I have mentioned previously) always gets us breakfast friday mornings. Hallelujah, can I tell you, AWESOME. I felt a particular brand of “I want to die” this morning that i didn’t particularly enjoy. I persuaded katie to lay in bed for an extra 1 1/2 hours with me because I felt so sick. BTW– I hate the way that cooked eggs smell this pregnancy. Can’t stand it. No cooked eggs. (no raw ones for that matter either…)

This week was my father in law’s birthday, that seems like a fairly unremarkable event in some terms– but my father in law was not an unremarkable man. I did not know him long, but I knew that he loved his family, and me. He was smart, and he didn’t take any crap from anyone.  I think about him a lot. Think about “What would Dave Do?” from time to time. I think about how thin and hazy life is here. Hard to remember, hard to forget. It’s funny how we let traumatic things imprint on us in unmovable ways, but we let happier things wash away with the metaphorical tide.  I want to hold on to the happy things better. I shouldn’t remember the mean things that have been done or said to (or about) me, but remember the sweet things that people have done for me, or said to me.  The one thing I remember most about Dave, is that while he liked to kid people, he didn’t antagonize you. Which I suppose upon reading it sounds a bit contradictory. But he’d kid me about something as soon as I’d start to get worked up, he’d say “you’re fine, you’re fine.” I find myself saying it a lot, to lots of people.  He loved Boy Scouts, he was a dedicated man. He would help you when you needed it, and he had a kind smile.  We miss you Dave.

I’m hoping that tonight while Scott goes out to party with his friends (wahoo) I can get some SERIOUS house work done. It’s tough with Scott and I’s Schedule to get much done around the house. I’m hoping a few loads of laundry, Toys put away, trash taken out… etc etc. It’s a lot easier to do without Katie underfoot (but I love her for her shennanigans, it’s just hard to put away toys when as quick as you get them away, she has them back out!) I’ll probably listen to the twilight soundtrack another 10 times, and do some grocery shopping too. I don’t mind that Scott is going out without me, I do miss the fact that it’s an evening w/o him, which is sad — but there is much to do, and not much time to do it in– so I gotta do what I gotta do. 🙂 Laundry, Dishes…

and Heaven help me if I forget to buy another bottle brush, i’ll go insane, There’s no way to clean our glasses/sippy cups w/o a bottle brush!

I’ve been trying to plan out our meals a bit better lately, make sure that it’s not just “Eh I’m tired, lets get fast food.” Because that’s expensive (for one thing!) but it’s not too healthy. I’m trying to balance out our fridge, which is a bit OVER zealous when it comes to our veggie crisper, it freezes things. (I think it’s a veggie crisper!) so that’s no good. Frozen Salad, is PUKEY Salad. I’m hoping to continue a N. family Tradition with the H family. We usually have a relish tray for Thanksgiving, and it’s always so yummy! So I’m going to get a few things together for that for sure. YUM.

I hope I don’t go over my budget! :-S Must be careful while shopping, List only!

Today has been a lovely day. It was warm and sunny. My Family pics got done yesterday and AmyLee is sending them to me posthaste. If you’d like to view a few of them that she has up on her blog, click here I absolutely love them. I can’t wait to get prints made and make a collage. 😀 SO thrilled! 😀 I’m also excited that already a few people I know have expressed interest in getting their pictures taken by AmyLee, so if you’d like to, please let me know, and I’ll get you her contact info 😉

I’m super excited for tomorrow. it’s a full day, but a good day! 🙂 I’m particularly excited that I might maybe possibly who knows yet, be meeting my brother’s fiance. yeah I know, crazy I havent’ met her yet. They wanted to save the most unstable person for last 😉 hahah </ sarcastic laugh> Even if She isn’t able to come, I’m excited to spend time iwth my family– I don’t get to often due to — well having so many friends– and just being generally lame… I’m happy when I can work it out so we can. Poor Scott will be tired, but I think he should have lots of sleep in the morning (while I drop Katie at Carebear’s then go shopping at four different stores around town getting Christmas sealed up in a nice little bow. 🙂

its a good weekend plan– let’s see how it goes. 🙂

Derringer Meryl [Honey Honey] Out