Undone

I haven’t posted here in a while for SEVERAL reasons:

1) Doctor Who Obsession. which largely is now on tumblr because I know family and friends are sick of it. So i relegate that to annoying other fangirls/boys … It’s better that way.

2) Work. Work has been overwhelming me a bit. I am pretty much in a “go to work, come home, eat, get Katie’s homework done, do one thing that MUST be done, and go to bed, start over.” cycle and its a  bit… draining on me. Even when Scott and I put a huge effort into ONE room being cleaned, the girls come through at rampage speed and undo it. I’m just tired of it.

3)Nanowrimo: I’m nto ashamed of this one as much honestly, because I achieved it. Nanowrimo is 30 days to write a novel, or (alternatively) 50,000 words. The average Scifi book is 100k. So you probably won’t see much of me on here (again) as of January, because I”m giving myself 31 days to replicate it again. I’m going to hop back in and write the second half of my novel. I also will mix this in with some reading.  So I may not reach my goal this time, but I figured it’s worth investing some time in myself and my skills and talents.

Because of this investment I have had some problems iwth my hands lately. I also havent’ been feeling so great (low vitamin D, not consistently taking my Zoloft) so I’m going to work on this. and I’m going to work on my book.

I may never be a famous author, but I will improve and work towards being published (even just on Kindle) because I love writing, and I want someone to love what I’ve wrote. I’m being very careful to write for the story, not the audience. I hope it all works out.

Derringer Meryl [Poppin’ Tags] Out

When you’re looking for a new job and apply and no one gets back to you… That’s me not getting back to you. Please know it’s because I don’t want to tell you we’re not hiring and then find out the next day that we’re hiring, and I just mass emailed like 50 applicants that we’re not hiring, but then we are, so sorry for the confusion!

You know when you get a call about an interview and that person doesn’t call you back right away… That person is me. and it’s because for every one of “you” there are 50 other applicants that I am playing phone tag with as well. SO. That’s awesome. I’m not TRYING to ignore you. I’m trying to get as many people as I can in within my SMALL window of opportunity. It is small. I could make it bigger, but the people you MAY be working with, will suffer for it. The longer I make THEM suffer, the sooner I’ll have to hire again (because they will burn out and quit from being overworked)

You know how you hate playing phone tag? ME TOO. I’m sorry I’m not always at my desk. You may not know it, but when we’re hiring, WE’RE HIRING. So I’m not at my desk MOST of the day to take your call. I’m interviewing, I’m making copies, I’m usually in ANOTHER BUILDING entirely. Also, I loathe the phone. I know that seems weird, but it’s true. I can’t stand the phone. (Unless I”m being paid to use it) it’s an anxiety thing. I have become BETTER at the phone, and I sound BY FAR better, but inside I am a ball of anxiety,and that can take a lot out of a person. JUST FYI.

Also, If i called/emailed you once, please do not be belligerent because other people answered when i called them back, and now we’ve moved onto the second part of the interviewing process and you’re not part of that. SAD PANDA, be faster. If you want a new job, you need to be ON TOP OF IT. SERIOUSLY. I appreciate the “Call me around 10” thing, and I’ll do my best, but If I have an in person interview at 10, and a phone interview at 10… too bad. They win.

I appreciate people who are dedicated to their cause, but calling me 3 times, and emailing me 2x will not endear you to me. It won’t. So please, one message, I won’t forget. I may not call you back, If the position is full, I’ll email you. Sorry charlie.

Over all, I am that person you hate. Who says “we’ll get back to you on friday” and then doesn’t get back to you until next wednesday. and it’s not because I’m a jerk, it’s because I’m being optimistic in my internal projections, and I shouldn’t be. I HOPE to be back to you ASAP. I am not always due to internal issues. I may have a family emergency (God Forbid!) and need to bail. I promise, I AM NOT TRYING to be a jerk. It just turns out that way.

I’m having an alright day and didn’t get a coke zero. haha. Anyway. I don’t normally rant about work, but I felt like I needed to get that out there. I don’t like to be the “Evil” hiring person, but it happens, and I never thought about it before. I hope though that I can get this class running smoothly…

I am so sneezy and sniffly today I hope I didn’t get a cold from anyone. I can’t really afford any time off right now. So — here’s hoping! (I feel like that’s the motto of this week… “here’s hoping!”)

WE got our family pictures done this weekend. They are awesome. I need to drive up to Draper to pick up our CD (the original one did not contain all the images) so I’m excited for that. I need to pick up a few things at the store next paycheck. I especially want tos tart a private journal where I take a few minutes each day (or at least each week) to write down something awesome about my kids. I realize that even though i stare at their faces and think “I don’t ever want to forget THIS moment, RIGHT Now” I know I will. I have a fairly good memory, and I think I would be DEVASTATED to lose it. Not for the embarrassing reasons that you may think (Who wants to forget simple things like how to use the bathroom, how to walk, how to feed themselves, etc) but for the moments I hold dear. When my husband and I got married, the first time I saw my daughters on their ultrasounds. Hearing my kids call me Mommy, the squishy scrunched up “Mommy why your face green?” face my daughter is into right now.

I do try to relish the small moments. I worked at 10 hour day today, and It felt like I was holding my breath the entire time until i got home. I LOVE HOME. I always have. Home is where things are simple and easy. Where I make the rules, and I am held and cherished. (It’d be weird to have that at work) Everyone wants a hug, and a cuddle. Tell me about their day, tell me stories, engaged. I appreciate my job, VERY much because it feels like respite as much as coming home does sometimes– but after a long day of work– home just wraps you up and tucks you in, and settles you down. Is there anything better? I don’t think so.

Balance is key. It’s more tough in a job like mine, but I love making it work. I feel like life is like an Ouroboros. My work feeds my personal life, and my personal life feeds my work. It’s the best. I work because I love my family, and I want to give them the best. They want me to succeed and be happy, so i work hard at work. 🙂 It’s the BEST.

Now back to sleep, another 10 hour day awaits me.

Derringer Meryl [SAY WHAAA!] Out.

Have you ever thought that? I have people in my life that I feel are almost giving me flat tires…. If you don’t know what a flat tire is, it’s when someone walks so closely behind you that they accidentally pull your shoe off from stepping on it. usually happens a lot with flip flops.

I just.. I know I can do things well if I can just have a little space. JUST GIVE ME A LITTLE SPACE!

Anyway. I have finally started tying my robot quilt. I hear the cries of “TYING! WTH!” but at the same time, I just want it done. so… Yeah. I used high Loft batting. I love love love fluffy quilts. Got it on sale, so bonus. Then I just have Kate’s quilt, and then I have one other on a super back burner. It’s a non issue.

Then, I hope to have an Accuquilt GO to do some Dye cutting with (oh  baby!) and then do my Portal quilt. That I dream about nightly. Ok not really. But I do think about it a lot.

I am working on my book. I think about it. and pet the ideas I have in my head. I am writing some Physically in journals I have. Scott was super DUPER sweet and got me some composition books. They were like $0.40, but what does the price matter when he was being supportive. I really appreciate it. I’m scared to let him read it some day, but… hopefully he’ll like it. And hopefully some day I’ll publish it. And make money with it. It’s a dream. and a bit far fetched. But… Hope springs eternal.

Happy day.

Work is worky. I am trying. Did I mention a promotion? If not, I have now. It’s good.  We have been ill. It is not good. I feel like with the season change, or maybe it’s this time of year. I am feeling kind of bummed. Just… Down a little? Having problems with my sleep cycle. We’ll see how it works out. It’s funny, how stressed a person can be, doing nothing, and do a lot of something, and still be very stressed out.

Derringer Meryl [something something] Out

WARNING: HORRIBLY OFFENSIVE POST AHEAD:

You know what needs to go? People saying that mom’s just don’t get a day off from being moms. I call BULLSHIT (sorry for the swearing mom) I will full on agree that my mom has been pluggin’ at being a mom (and has worn other hats at the same time too) for nigh on 30 odd years. She gets tired, and i won’t lie and say she’s never asked for help or anything, but everyone deserves a hand…. and that’s what I’m saying. It’s bullshit that we say things like “that’s just how it is being a mom” NO. No it’s not. That’s how we let it be being a mom. It’s like women (myself included) enjoy being some sort of martyr or what not to the cause of perfect motherhood. BS!! *throws something against the wall* I am Meryl and I am here to stand proud and say it loud that I AM NOT PERFECT, and I like it that way. I don’t always make a home made dinner from oats that I rolled by hand that morning while watching the sunrise, or some such BS. If you can do that, great. FABULOUS. If you love doing that, EVEN MORE POWER TO YOU. But don’t get up in my face waving on and on about “How great” it is what you’re doing. It floats your boat. GOODY For you. It’s like going in front of a person who can’t walk, and tap dancing while singing a song about how fabulous your legs are. JERK. I am physically incapable of doing EVERYTHING right. It’s just not possible. (plugs her ears while someone reads something out of a conference talk or whatever) Yeah, that’s great. But until Elder whats his bucket is going to get down in the trenches and help me muck out my house, I think he can stuff it too.

You know what I do every day? I wake up, far too early for how late I stay up cleaning, go to work. I work for 8 hours with customers who can’t speak English and are upset that I don’t speak… Macedonian or whatever, and I explain to them SOMEONE else’s rules and regulations. It’s not my company. Not that I particularly disagree with anything, but in any case– NOT MY BUSINESS, I tell it like it is, I get them gone, I go on to the next person who wants me to speak Latvian. NO. I don’t. Whatever. I put up with people twisting my words, or just not understanding– pretty much all day, between that I get to deal with some fun co-workers, and not so fun co-workers. Overall, I hear the following in the back of my head “Wonder what the kids are doing? I bet the spilled something on the carpet. What fresh hell awaits you at home? Did they brush their teeth this morning? I bet they didn’t. Don’t forget to reschedule Kate’s appointment. You need to pay the electricity bill. Also you need to do two loads of laundry and mow the lawn on Saturday. I hope it doesn’t rain. I should call Scott. Maybe not, he’s probably sleeping. I should let him sleep. Poor guy doesn’t sleep enough. I hope he’s ok. Maybe I should call and make sure he’s not having a low. I should get him into a doctor already. Did I take my pills today? I can’t remember. What day is it again? Oh I owe so in so some money. I should make sure to pay them back when I see them next. When is our next dentists appointment. I should check out a roofer for our house. I can call them on my break, and set up appointments. I need to look into Loans, do we have enough equity in our house for an equity loan. I don’t think so…..” You get the Idea. that is about an hour of what plays through my head between short conversations with co-workers. I am strategizing and scheduling. I am balancing. ALWAYS. Then I come home, Something has been messed up. INEVITABLY. Not like a little mess. The days where there is a little mess, I’m ok. Whatever. Big messes, like ice cream spread around the kitchen,  laundry party thrown (IE, all clean and dirty laundry intermixed. whee) all the toys taken out, scattered, nail polish/crayon/sharpie on the walls, cake flour dusted through the house, missing children, inexplicable water/soda/juice messes, chalk rubbed into carpet, etc. I’ll admit that all of these don’t happen on one day, but usually at least one a day.

That being said, at least once a month, I Lose it. I don’t mean like stuff gets forgotten, bills go unpaid. But that inner dialogue usually spills into something more like “Why am I doing all of this? Didn’t I ask for some help? why didn’t it get done…” and then it escalates into angry Mommy, and usually someone gets screamed at, over something that would usually simply try my patience. I try to refrain from exploding. I really do. I can hear Sukie saying “You should just let it out when you feel angry, don’t bottle. Your family is full of bottlers” it’s true. We bottle. WE bottle well. Now if we only did it for something useful, Like peaches. Oh well. I should let my anger out, but typically, it tends to be so fleeting that it passes in the moment and I don’t realize that I’ve pushed it down and just decided to conquer the task on my own. I feel, quite frankly, a little bit like Daria’s high school History teacher meets the little red hen.

Seriously, this guy needs to relax. So do I. So when people take and say “oh mom’s don’t get a day off” all I can think is “A vein in my forehead just exploded!” and my face, I imagine, looks a little like this guy’s. Cause If I never get a day where I am not the person making things go, and getting this person to that place, and scheduling appointments and balancing house work and naggy customers, and one really OBNOXIOUS co-worker who doesn’t help out. I might go nuts. I seriously might have a break down. People think I”m over dramatic, but I’m not trying to be. I am trying to do the most that I can without A) looking like a total slacker and B) not going mental. I did work for the post office people. I”m not saying I’m down with guns and what not. Cause, honestly I’d probably shoot myself in the foot and it’d be so funny and… whatever, but I’m saying that I visualize every day, tackling some upper member of management’s back and just bashing their head against the ground.

I realized, ever since I started working, every single day of my life has been worse than the day before it. So that means that every single day that you see me, that's on the worst day of my life.

I also grasp that this is one of the very violent images that springs to mind, but I never act on. Thank God. I just… I don’t think people realize how much I’m doing. Mostly from my ADD. I am consistently doing more than it appears that I am doing. I am never, even while surfing online, doing nothing.
Maybe this is just dawning on me. Maybe this is how everyone is. If that’s the case, how is everyone NOT angry all the time? Oh…. maybe all the women (who aren’t deeply in love with the 1950’s and that mindset) are? Listen, I don’t mind the 1950’s, I’d like to clean house and have dinner ready for my husband when he gets home too. Except he gets home at weird hours… Whatever. I’d like to wear a puffy house dress and vaccuum with pearls on and accidentally drug my children with benedryl so that I can relax and watch some soaps, or something like that. The truth is, I squeeze every last drop of what I can do out of most days. (at least when I’m not super exhausted, haha) I stay up late doing chores I can’t do when the kids are awake. I never see my husband, because he’s at work when I’m at home and I’m at home when he’s at work. Let’s not kid ourselves. We all wish our lives were different. We all would love to win the lottery, for whatever reason.  Even the people who are most satisfied with their lives are wishing for something just a bit more. Does that make us greedy or ambitious? Probably a little of both. All I know is I could use a vacation. A long one. Preferably by myself. Hell. I’d like 10 minutes alone in the bathroom with no one pounding on the door asking what I’m doing. I’m waving the white flag, life. Can’t we all just get along?

Derringer Meryl [What about today? Is today the worst day of your life?] Out

Something is going nuts with Scott’s Server. So I wait for that to get fixed (haha never) and then we will be able to cahnge the background. I think it’ll be epic, but… Maybe I’m just over excited.

Work has been nuts lately. I did over 300 chats last week. CHATS. That’s a lot of typing. I feel like I should start researching how to prevent Carpel tunnel. Considering I did not work all 40 of my hours last week, it is amazing how much work I’ve done. It was CRAZY. Over 10 chats an hour. That is a lot of chatting if I do say so myself. And I do!

That being said, I do really enjoy my job. It’s a nice place. You know that the Supervisors have your back and know thatyou’re working hard, they say thank you, a lot. Which is refreshing, and nice. I don’t feel like I’m being stalked that I’m not doing enough. I feel like they are satisfied with my work, and so am I. Also, it’s nice to be working in a field where I feel comfortable. After being on the net for … nearly 20 years now (next year will be my 20th. WEIRD) I know a lot about email. I know a lot about servers and building websites. That being said, I am no expert. I tend to take an… interesting way to functioning with the internet. I just keep trying. Again and Again. To fix, improve and manage my website(s) I am self taught on HTML and for a long time hand coded. After that I found other people’s code (via free websites) and modified them and broke and repaired them. I am not… book smart when it comes to the internet. I can’t brag about capabilities. I’m much closer to being an idiot savant. I know where to go and what to look for to make things work. I can’t explain it to you, or help you fix your website, without going in and mucking it up a BUNCH for you. Which is why I’m not in Support!! In any case. I love the internet. I love being on it. I love meeting new people. For a period of my life, I enjoyed going into chat rooms and being dramatic. No one cares when you lie in a chat room. It was a beautiful thing for a teenage girl. I was Stunning. Because, when it comes to the written word, I have found, I am charming. I am alluring. In person I am awkward and unsure. Online, I am cunning and beautiful. I am a picture and my words….

*wipes a tear* I love you internet. I love you soooo good.

Derringer Meryl [I’m in Love, I’m in Love, I’m in love…] Out