Undone

Recently, a coworker and I were discussing about what our bliss was. For those who go “what the what?” when they hear that, it’s a job or task that you feel happiest doing. Like if someone paid you to do that, you’d be in heaven. For me, i have a few things that zen me out. Like I would LOVE to do them for a job. 1- Bein’ a mom. It’s ROUGH right? But I love my kids. I would totally nanny it up and take them to parks and to mueseums and stuff that’s hard to do now because I’m at work, and exhausted all the time usually (not to say SAHM’s aren’t exhausted, I’m just sayin’ you muster up energy when it’s your job and you’re getting paid!!) I would love to get paid to just… be a mom. I think I’m pretty good at it. Not perfect, but as I always say “I’m not snorting crack off my baby’s stomach, so i’m not the worst mom out there.” 2- Write. I am not always the best writer, but I think I could grow and get better. Boogers that reminds me of something i wanted to write out earlier….. Anyway, the proverbial cherry on the sundae of awesomeness would being able to write about being a mom gamer. i think it’s kind of a new situation for a lot of women out there. Also to the moms that aren’t gamers, I feel like I could lend a mommy hand and say “i know this seems weird and you don’t get it, but let me help you” I don’t know. The damn wii opened things up so a lot of mom’s are getting into it more, but I guess that doesn’t mean they understand it completely…. anyway… third, i think, is the most shocking. 3 – Broadcasting/Radio DJ. I am serious, fo’ shiz. I listen to the radio a lot, more than anything else i’d say, because I love Radio Dj’s especially the local ones we have here on X96 in the morning. I’d love to work with them as a intern, but they only take people in HS or in college. I’m neither. So I just sit and listen to the good time they’re having and think “I’d love to be doing this. I think i could do it!” Although in the past I have thought I could be the following: Teacher, Lawyer, Actress, Librarian, Secretary, Realtor and accountant. i would still like to be a secretary, but… whatever. The fact of the matter is, i keep comign back to being a mom, and being a writer. I think, besides my voice, it’s something that has gotten me the most compliments (notice though that I didn’t ever mention wanting to be a singer. The only song I love singing absolutely at this point? Self Esteem by The Offspring. Oh yeah.)

Anyway. I was discussing Pioneer Woman (Ree Drummond) and how she has this MEGA SUCCESSFUL blog and ladidah. All i could find to say was A) more power to her, I would love to be like her and B) I am too tired after a day of wrangling adults who act like toddlers at work, to come home and do what she does. HELL I’m too tired to come home, play a video game, and then Blog about it. Oh massive tip here, a year of gamefly for Christmas? T’would be awesome. la la la love it. anyway. I have ideas, always in my head, and I think about how to bank roll them, but never really get past the idea part. I think it would be great to have a mocktail bar down here in dry-county. I think a place that is fancy enough that there would be a dance floor (for BALLROOM type dancing) would be fabulous, and have yummy meals and NO screaming kids. and no bongo drums, or people singing happy birthday…. maybe a nice string quartet… I’m just saying. I have plans. I have ideas. I think with help, my ideas could be successful. Also, I would like to eat out somewhere, where it is all tables for two. Where you sit and think “oh this would be a great place to be proposed to. Something classy! C”MON UTAH!!! CLASSY!?!

anyway. I think I better go jot down that idea I had.

derringer Meryl [wha wha WHAT UP!] Out

that’s right, I’m on edge, for some reason. (and I don’t mean the cellphone network) I just feel antsy all of the sudden?

I have been going to therapy still. I feel like i’ve turned a very positive corner by leaving Verio. They were a great employer for a long time for me, but it came time, and very evident, that it was time for me to part from Verio. I won’t say anything bad about them, mostly because I don’t like to burn my bridges.
I took a week off (as I mentioned before) and my therapist could tell an obvious difference in me, he said I seemed more relaxed, and like I was taking care of myself. It’s true. I was. I am. I’m trying. I’m putting an effort forth. It’s difficult to remember myself. LIke how I should be tucking myself into a cooshy bed right now instead of blogging. Part of my brain says “KISS MY BUTT SENSIBLE SIDE!!” and I’m staying up. Whee.

New job is great. They are so… HAPPY and sensible, and … relaxed. Don’t let me fool you, they are SERIOUS on security, SUPER SERIOUS! But it’s fun, and they joke and we all kid… and it’s great. Tomorrow I start listening to calls. I’m excited and nervous.

And tired.
Derringer Meryl [So much more to say, tired though] Out

I don’t enjoy being depressed. If I miss a day of my medication, i feel very off kilter, and like I have lost my grip on reality. I imagine, at least a little bit that this is how people in the movie inception feel. I suppose though, that Inception in its self is a completely other blog post.

Sorry if this all sounds kind of melancholy. As I mentioned I missed ONE dose of my meds this weekend, and I am fighting the sensation of being shoved under water. It’s quite un-fun actually.  I had a good weekend, spent some time with Carebear and her Mom and Katie had tons of fun with her little girl. They (all three, Audrey included) have a great time together. It was much better than being at home. I find when I am unoccupied the bad negative thoughts have a chance to sneak in and plant themselves in my brain. it’s Been hard to keep occupied, but luckily I have been watching a lot of netflix, which has Xena on it. Which I have to say is MUCH more campy than I remember it. haha. Now. If I could find the way to connect Xena and Buffy (or more directly Joss Whedon) My cult fan girly ness would be satiated. I like things to be related, and link together neatly. IE:  I like Buffy, who was created by Joss Whedon, who also created firefly and Dr. Horrible. Dr. Horrible starred Felicia Day and NPH. Felicia day is in the Guild (and writes it too) and NPH is in HIMYM, that Allyson Hannigan is also in, she was in Buffy. Joss Whedon also has worked on Glee, (along with NPH) The office, Oh and he’s worked with Nathan Fillion (dreamy) who is on Castle.  Felicia Day has been on House (another fav) and on Lie to Me (classic!) Spreading the joy of things that link together further. *sigh* Oh and Let’s not even get into Wil Wheaton. His joy makes me all gooey. Not literally. That would be bad.

I am pretty burned out on Twilight. If I had the time/energy to find a nice new background, you bet your bippy I’d be changing it. But I can’t think of anything. I would like something classic and dark. Simply because if it’s dark I don’t have to change too much on the layout. Also I find dark colors to be more sleek and clean looking. Simplistic.

I wish i could still write. i wish the poetry and pain could just flow out of me.  Like lancing a cyst. Just watch it all drain away.  I wish the things I said weren’t trite and stupid. I wish people believed me.  Since no one does, I don’t even believe myself anymore. Do you know what kind of insanity that causes? To think your ownself a liar? Your own psyche divided against its self.  It’s painful. Eventually you just become numb. Why should it be any different? There is no more honesty. No definition of what is real and what isn’t.  It’s all just a game. living inside your head. No real enemy, no real friend. Just shadow puppets, long and lean against the wall. No one to trust or believe.  Everything is wrong, everything is right. Every step is on granite and quick sand.  No way of knowing at what point you’ll sink.  Every person you see a traitor and ally. Deep abiding paranoia and trust residing side by side in your heart. You know that every person loves you, and is going to betray you.

Maybe I have the best grip on reality of all.

Derringer Meryl [being insane is clarity] Out

You know, the bloggers who have actual followers and they get free crap in the mail! THAT KIND!! The Julie/Julia Kind, A Ree Drummond or Crissy from Toy With Me (Mom don’t read that blog. Seriously. Don’t.)

I should get my stuff together and really write something. Sit down, organize and write. I want to be a real writer. I want to be able to have people read my stuff and love it. I’ve got so much to say– now to get a theme, and write it!

Don’t have enough debt to write about getting out of it, don’t have enough talent to cook (I’m lame like that) I only know a little about gardening, and it’s awfully late in the season for it. I could do a geek quilting blog. Or just a quilting blog. I really need to get motivated on my quilting project.

Who knows. Maybe I could write about being a depressed mom who works at a job that makes her insane? (hoohoo?) or maybe I should just stick to fiction 😉

Derringer Meryl [I wish i could find a spot just for me]

From my quick press, a big shout out to Scott who is magic at maintaining my blog. What a great guy!

I also would like to say a big thank you to DQ who brought home chocolate for me to eat. I love me some chocolate.

I was sick today, I’m hoping it stays away. i hate being ill. It makes it hard to be anything else, like a mom or wife. I just want to lay on the couch and pass out. This re-occurrence has reminded me that I need to get to the doctor. the downside? I have no time off to go to the doctor. Oh well.

Ta-da

Derringer Meryl [update] Out