Undone

Warning: If you are a sibling of mine, or otherwise weak of stomach please stay away from the stupidity of this entry. As a disclaimer though, if you enjoy laughing at the innocent-ness of me, please, continue

With that out of the way– I can say this….

I don’t know how to kiss. *blinks* To be honest before Scott I kissed one guy, once. And it sucked. Bunches. We were in the middle of playing a video game, and he just randomly kissed me. *raises her hand to the square* I swear to you this. I figure since I didn’t feel anything (nada, I could have been kissing my grandma for all I felt romantically) I stuck it off as a stolen kiss, and not really my first kiss. In anycase.

People at work laugh at me a lot (Mouth and Artemis) because of my innocence. Yes, it is ridiculous that I didn’t get kissed before i turned 19. (I’m more than a little thankful, actually) I’m sure Scott would say it just makes me cuter, and maybe it does.

All I know, is that I suck. All I’ve learned about kissing I learned on Buffy sixth season and everyone who has played enough Chaos Bleeds knows that Stage kissing is not at ALL like real kissing. It’s all about where your head is, and if you’re in their light, and according to James Marsters, it’s often like kissing your sibling. Definately not what i’m striving for. Nope. Nuh-uh.

So I’m sitting here, I have a cut on my lip, I’m sorta wondering where it came from. I certainly didn’t put it there.

And the thought occurs to me– that I want to remember most everything about tonight forever. I want to remember the silly argument that Scott and I had (it wasn’t really an argument, it was a “You’re cuter”, “no, you’re cuter” kind of thing.) and I want to remember all the wonderful advice he gave me about Red, and how to sort things out. Even now i can feel my brain leaking vital information about tonight into the oblivion of nothingness. I’m a stickler for details. I want to experience a lot, and remember a lot. I want to be able to tell my kids when they’re little about the time I actually beat their dad at magic. All the little jokes he makes.

I wish I could remember it all.

Derringer Meryl [Frustrated with Memories] Out

So many things buzzing through my brain…. lets start with where my brain is first.

I never thought I would have a Fiance. So looking back on my entries, I wrote them as if no one was reading but me. If you ever choose to go back in time and read my angsty highschool ramblings, keep that in mind. Not only if you’re Scott, but if you’re someone reading this. I didn’t expect people to read this… and it’s written as such.

Next, I was thinking about Strawberry Shampoo. I own strawberry shampoo, and I was considering how i came about to own it. While I know Scott loves Strawberries bunches and lots– that’s not when I got it originally. It was because of reading too many Buffy fan fictions. When you describe a scent of someone (Buffy in this case) you like to attribute it to a certain welcoming smell. (at least romantically) Buffy got a lot of Vanilla and Strawberry. So I chose those. I literally have Strawberry Shampoo and Vanilla shampoo in my shower because of Buffy. How oddly sad is that? Now, Normally I like the Vanilla better. I used to use it more often than not– But upon hearing Scott’s favor for Strawberry, I switched– just because. I wanted to see if he’d notice…. (He did, kinda. He didn’t mention it until I mentioned it. :)) I was thinking though– if Joss Whedon sat down with some fragrance people and created a scent and said “This is the scent that Spike can smell on Buffy. It’s what draws men to her. Sure, she has bad luck with men, but you could change that for yourself with this scent.” Yeah, probably not the best wording ever, but it’d sound a lot smoother coming from Joss himself.

Next– I do this thing. I don’t know if Scott Notices it– but almost every night after he drops me off I go and hop on my couch, kneeling so my chest is to the back of the couch– which consequently means you can see right outside through the little peep in the curtains. I watch him drive away. I don’t know why I do– I just do. *shrugs* I guess I should put a Mush warning on here. I don’t care. People should know by now that i’m just all sorts of gushie and what not.

I can’t think of the other things I wanted to say– *sighs* Blah. Oh well. I’m sure there are other odd intricacies of me that I’ll get around to exposing. None of them are embarrassing. … or at least I don’t think they are. Psh. Would I be putting them on here if they were?

The parents meeting went about as I had imagined. the snuggling level was prime. I still lost at the on going tickle war…. curse these tiny hands of mine. *sighs* I’m going to have some pretty nice bruises on my legs (on an unrelated note) I had a little girl sit on my lap today in primary, and she was a foot swinger… right into my leg, like fifty times in five minutes. So that’s gonna be nice. I’m going to have my little pretties burnt off my foot tomorrow. Good bye you little pieces of hell. (seriously hurts to walk or stand too long thanks to the little bits) It’s like my own personal hell on earth, and hopefully after a few treatments, I won’t have them anymore. 😀

This week is Spring Break (Huzzah!!!) so I’m gonna be bummin’ around my house, hobbling as llittle as possible. Maybe sending someone out to get me humorous new slippers (I have six pair at least… I love Slippers. What can I say?) Spending time with Scott– as much as possible if i have my way. I’ll also be calling up a few of my friends whom love me to bits and pieces (because I say so.) and see if they can help me out with the wedding stuff. (Piano player and florist) Of course not for free (psh, I wouldn’t for free!) but in a symbiotic “I help you you help me” Kind of way.

Did I mention I”m trying to grow my nails out again? I find that it helps when scratching Scott’s back, long nails are more effective. Go figure that one out. Also, I’ve been trying to quit biting them for a while now. If I can make it through this wedding planning without biting, then I can make it through anything. 🙂

Okay, I think I”m done for today– Unless something major happens between now and midnight.

Derringer Meryl [Being in Love is the greatest thing] Out

as a precursor to this entry, i’d just like to say that as a Female member of my family (one of the two who were there for my childhood, that being my mother and i) I have been taught to use the word cute at all times when ever I feel … happy. Or when something makes me smile. *nods* I’m not like your other girls who say “Man, he’s hot!” Or “Whoa, he’s foxy.” In fact, you only hear these statements from me when … well pretty much when i’m talking to Red about guys, or about movie stars. *nods* With that said, I’d like to continue.

I don’t eve know where to begin. I suppose I should start with the annoyingness of my oldest brother and his ever so clever scheme to change my screen saver from “Burn” to “Meryl has a boyfriend” which really made me want to feel embarrassed, but at the time I was ill enough that I just felt sick, and not much else. And while I suppose having protective older brothers like Dax can be useful in situations of scary creepy people hitting on me at the mall, I’d also like to point out that hanging around for an hour after the movie you wanted to watch was over with me and Scott, was a little… uber protective. But then again, Dax mostly hangs out with me and my mom, so seeing another listening male, sorta makes him want to hang out more. *nods* i can understand that. I think Dax and I have bonded a lot since all the other sibs moved out. Though, when I was little I didn’t think Dax and I would be very close at all when we got older, I’m glad we did. I know that someday when I’m like fourty, and he’s like ancient (just kidding) we’ll still be hanging out, because I think we’re that tight.

I’m digressing

Right. It would have been nice to hang out with Scott Sans brother in the living room, but it was nice all the same. And I’ve learned over time that I’m one of those creepy people watchers, like the people who listen to your conversations in a restaurant, or watch how people treat each other, or just simple behaviorisms…. It’s odd. I actually transcribe some of it too. *nods* Anyway, I think it’s friggin’ cute the way that Scott keeps talking when he’s nervous. I usually have a simular problem, If it’s quiet I force a conversation, no questions asked. *nods* And my cat. *smiles* Okay, my cat has this notorious track record for being this huge jerk to guys who I bring home. (which I do a lot, because I feel the safest in my own home, which is ironic for …. so many reasons I can’t name….) ANyway, I have this severe case of avoiding REAL dates so I can just hang out at home and watch several seasons of Buffy or my entire DVD collection or whatever, just so i can be at home … *nods* I think it’s some sort of security issue again. Still, digressing. Cat. *nods* Right. So my cat bites. He loves to bite guys who i bring home. I think it’s his way of marking the ones he disapproves of. I’ve had guys who are great cat handlers, as they need to be because I’m so terribly fond of cats, and still get bitten. I’ve had guys tell me that my cat is the devil in one of his many forms. That kind of shocks me that i’ve been sleeping with the devil in my room for twelve years and i haven’t noticed anything shifty yet. Anyway, he climbs on laps and claws, and he pushes them out the door. He’s a bugger. Worse than my parents sometimes.

Tonight all he did was remind me of my curfew. It was slightly annoying, yes. Both the curfew and the incessant meowing. I don’t blame Scott for curfew breakage, because …. well i didn’t tell him. So really it’s my fault. But I really didn’t want him to leave. And we watched an episode of Buffy, and mom just slept, which she’s normally very… “It’s Twelve, Meryl, time for everyone to go.” Which was sorta nice that she didn’t… Instead Dax let it go till one, and .. well, still, it was happy.

Can I say that i’ve never smiled more in my life than I have these past few days? I’m nicer to customers, i’m more brilliant in class.

and I’m happy. I’m very very happy. And it’s like there are two million words inside of me which want to be spoken, or written, or anything… and I just don’t. I can’t think of how to piece them together correctly to make sense.

So I’m going to go to sleep now, so maybe I can make sense of class in the morning…. Maybe. 🙂

Derringer Meryl [Grinning] Out

First day of full time college. Weird. Can i say that? Of course I can, I just felt like asking…. for no reason. I didn’t run into Monkey, which I find slightly a good thing. I didn’t need any help making this day stressful…. (I’m going to add in here that Monkey is a great guy… I just… It’s a me thing when it comes to stress… not him.)

Mom wants me to join the on campus Anime club, which i’m totally for, Ya know… cause it’s anime, and i’m with a bunch of people who are as geeky about Anime as me. (I’m the uber geek, otherwise known as an Otaku. I own a LoTR Barbie, I think I fall into the Otaku catagory. I take Standee’s home from work and dissect them. I want to get a subscription to Newtype Magazine. I’m taking psychology just for fun. I write fanfiction. I make collages. I own five seasons of Buffy and One of Angel. I own two complete anime series, and portions of several others. I convinced my mom to buy a magnetic poetry calander….. I have a toy collection that rivals my siblings’. I have a larger doll collection than most girls my age (I have one for every year i’ve been alive, and then some). I cosplay (Inu Yasha, Steve, and various other anime characters, oh, and Buffy)

Which makes me think of the time I cosplayed as Buffy. I was depressed…. uberly so. I don’t remember why. Maybe it was because every guy who is interested in me… *sighs* doesn’t REALLY know me. Who knows. But– to make me feel better, Red dressed me up pretty (like Buffy) and did my hair (like Buffy’s, only in my shade of brownish red) I had a sleeveless turtleneck on, and skirt, which I love to this day even though it’s at Red’s house, which was horrifically short. If it hadn’t been for the fact that Red told me every five seconds that I looked pretty, I would have ran away, and put on long pants. But when we got there, my friends (guy friend specifically) helped me feel better too. They complimented me on my outfit, and while i still felt uneasy, all it took was a glimpse of my ex to solidify any sort of emotion i had. I became confident and happy. Anything to look like i didn’t need him. *nods*

I was giddy. I still am at the thought. that was positively the most empowering outfit ever. Marco and Staples liked the outfit too. which is good…. always good. *smiles at the memory* one of the best nights of my high school life.

Derringer Meryl [dressing for the occasion] Out

Someone should stand by my front door and screen what i wear before I leave the house. I’ve thought that before, since i often wander out of the house in my PJ’s and without my hair done up nicely, and i look a right horrid sight to be seen. But then– THis happens.

I had to hurry off to work for a moment to give Artemis some money to buy my LoTR ticket for me. She and I fall into the Geek check area of watching the movie at midnight when it opens. I count myself lucky to go– but more on that later…. It’s pretty cold outside, so I pull the only sweatshirt that’s clean out of my closet, and pull it on. I arrive at work, after a short five minute drive, and hand my money over to Artemis, and she comments on my sweatshirt. It’s a curious George one, I bought it two years ago, and it reads on the front “(heart) the monkey” One of the part-timers read it aloud, and then I final understood something… That wearing that shirt, was a bad idea. (I bet you thought that it was that I love Monkey, huh? You’re so wrong! of course that WOULD be the obvious teenage answer, but then again, i’m not the obvious teen!) I stuttered for a moment, and commented how i didn’t think of that before I wore the shirt to work.

It’s a mistake I won’t be repeating…. Today is Guts’ birthday. (Guts is a co-worker and friend– he has cute little nicknames for me, and he loves to make me laugh, almost as much as i love to laugh at his jokes.) I don’t know how old he is, but all in all, Happy Birthday to him. I should have made him a card. Shame on me. *frowns* I was supposed to go to Halo Night, and while I would have loved to– It seems like a bad idea. I’m not close with anyone in the group, and honestly– no one seems to care if i’m there or not. *nods* not to mention the right long lecture I’d get for going.

Which makes me wonder, why don’t we do bad things? is it because of the punishment, or is it because it’s wrong?

Faith in Buffy: I could ride you at a gallop until your legs buckled and your eyes rolled up. I’ve got muscles you’ve never even dreamed of. I could squeeze you until you popped like warm champagne, and you’d beg me to hurt you just a little bit more. And you know why I don’t? Because it’s wrong.

Sure, Faith puts it a little… *coughs* crudely, but honestly why don’t we go out and give in to our baser demands….? Why don’t we sleep with everyone and anyone– kill who we can, when we can– hurt everyone…. To paralell Faith:

I could cut you. I could make thin gashes on your skin, all over your body, and you’d sweat because of the pain, and the sweat, would roll into those thin shallow cuts, and cause your entire body to feel as though you’re on fire that cannot be extinguished. Then, after your cuts closed, i’d make ten cuts diagonally along the closed wounds, reopening the original wound, and adding smaller but deeper wounds. I could stick needles underneath your toe nails, and make thick shallow cuts underneath your eyes and your cheekbones, maximizing the pain from the tears you’re crying by this point. I would make you regret every wrong thing you’ve ever done, not to mention the things you did to me. I could make you so sorry– and after i was done, i would make you live with it…. carefully avoiding the arteries.and you know why I don’t? Because It’s wrong.

*blinks* If you’re more than frightened, good. I’m not sure where i channeled that from, but i want you to know I’m scared too. *blinks again* my mind just knows pain, i guess. From months and months of hating someone (J, my first Boyfriend) I’ve thought of millions and billions of ways to make him hurt. Nothing extreme (severing body parts) as that would be too simple. Something permanent, that would teach him that I wasn’t to be stepped on. I dreamed of things like this. I guess that makes me — disgusting… I suppose. That’s why i stopped hating him. IT was killing me, more than it was hurting him. He had long before stopped caring how i felt. Heck, I don’t think he cared during the relationship, which he denies we had one. Makes me look psychotic.

Then again, so does this whole entry.

The point is, every person has dark, AND light. Some people choose to embrace the dark, and some choose to embrace the Light. And some choose to pull from both sides. Every person should be feared, and loved. It’s just.. the nature of things. But– can there be fear in Love?? Not really- but the fear is the natural thing, and the love is the unnatural.

While I have evil thoughts brewing in my brain sometimes, i do tend to lean to the unnatural state of mind.

Derringer Meryl [Reaching for Yin and Yang] Out