Undone

I don’t enjoy being depressed. If I miss a day of my medication, i feel very off kilter, and like I have lost my grip on reality. I imagine, at least a little bit that this is how people in the movie inception feel. I suppose though, that Inception in its self is a completely other blog post.

Sorry if this all sounds kind of melancholy. As I mentioned I missed ONE dose of my meds this weekend, and I am fighting the sensation of being shoved under water. It’s quite un-fun actually.  I had a good weekend, spent some time with Carebear and her Mom and Katie had tons of fun with her little girl. They (all three, Audrey included) have a great time together. It was much better than being at home. I find when I am unoccupied the bad negative thoughts have a chance to sneak in and plant themselves in my brain. it’s Been hard to keep occupied, but luckily I have been watching a lot of netflix, which has Xena on it. Which I have to say is MUCH more campy than I remember it. haha. Now. If I could find the way to connect Xena and Buffy (or more directly Joss Whedon) My cult fan girly ness would be satiated. I like things to be related, and link together neatly. IE:  I like Buffy, who was created by Joss Whedon, who also created firefly and Dr. Horrible. Dr. Horrible starred Felicia Day and NPH. Felicia day is in the Guild (and writes it too) and NPH is in HIMYM, that Allyson Hannigan is also in, she was in Buffy. Joss Whedon also has worked on Glee, (along with NPH) The office, Oh and he’s worked with Nathan Fillion (dreamy) who is on Castle.  Felicia Day has been on House (another fav) and on Lie to Me (classic!) Spreading the joy of things that link together further. *sigh* Oh and Let’s not even get into Wil Wheaton. His joy makes me all gooey. Not literally. That would be bad.

I am pretty burned out on Twilight. If I had the time/energy to find a nice new background, you bet your bippy I’d be changing it. But I can’t think of anything. I would like something classic and dark. Simply because if it’s dark I don’t have to change too much on the layout. Also I find dark colors to be more sleek and clean looking. Simplistic.

I wish i could still write. i wish the poetry and pain could just flow out of me.  Like lancing a cyst. Just watch it all drain away.  I wish the things I said weren’t trite and stupid. I wish people believed me.  Since no one does, I don’t even believe myself anymore. Do you know what kind of insanity that causes? To think your ownself a liar? Your own psyche divided against its self.  It’s painful. Eventually you just become numb. Why should it be any different? There is no more honesty. No definition of what is real and what isn’t.  It’s all just a game. living inside your head. No real enemy, no real friend. Just shadow puppets, long and lean against the wall. No one to trust or believe.  Everything is wrong, everything is right. Every step is on granite and quick sand.  No way of knowing at what point you’ll sink.  Every person you see a traitor and ally. Deep abiding paranoia and trust residing side by side in your heart. You know that every person loves you, and is going to betray you.

Maybe I have the best grip on reality of all.

Derringer Meryl [being insane is clarity] Out

With Katie I pretty much felt OK in the evenings as far as sickness. Now it comes and goes– all day. I have to be continually stuffin’ food in my face to make it ok. Which kind of goes against my wishes to not gain too much weight this pregnancy 😛 Oh well. I will try and be good– and do what I must.

To my siblings and friends, I’m sorry I bailed on movie night tonight– I was JUST so sick and tired. Since I was in charge of driving, I chose not to risk it and stay at home. I will be up tomorrow. Scott and I, I still would LOVE to meet The Specialist’s fiancee, if at all possible…?

I got a lot of shopping done today (which is probably what made me so tired.) So I only have my H family draw (which we keep a secret, which makes it hard to find out what to get people sometimes)

Anyway– I”m gonna head off, just a little post for now

Derringer Meryl [tired] Out

For sure, this week. Scott (as I have mentioned previously) always gets us breakfast friday mornings. Hallelujah, can I tell you, AWESOME. I felt a particular brand of “I want to die” this morning that i didn’t particularly enjoy. I persuaded katie to lay in bed for an extra 1 1/2 hours with me because I felt so sick. BTW– I hate the way that cooked eggs smell this pregnancy. Can’t stand it. No cooked eggs. (no raw ones for that matter either…)

This week was my father in law’s birthday, that seems like a fairly unremarkable event in some terms– but my father in law was not an unremarkable man. I did not know him long, but I knew that he loved his family, and me. He was smart, and he didn’t take any crap from anyone.  I think about him a lot. Think about “What would Dave Do?” from time to time. I think about how thin and hazy life is here. Hard to remember, hard to forget. It’s funny how we let traumatic things imprint on us in unmovable ways, but we let happier things wash away with the metaphorical tide.  I want to hold on to the happy things better. I shouldn’t remember the mean things that have been done or said to (or about) me, but remember the sweet things that people have done for me, or said to me.  The one thing I remember most about Dave, is that while he liked to kid people, he didn’t antagonize you. Which I suppose upon reading it sounds a bit contradictory. But he’d kid me about something as soon as I’d start to get worked up, he’d say “you’re fine, you’re fine.” I find myself saying it a lot, to lots of people.  He loved Boy Scouts, he was a dedicated man. He would help you when you needed it, and he had a kind smile.  We miss you Dave.

I’m hoping that tonight while Scott goes out to party with his friends (wahoo) I can get some SERIOUS house work done. It’s tough with Scott and I’s Schedule to get much done around the house. I’m hoping a few loads of laundry, Toys put away, trash taken out… etc etc. It’s a lot easier to do without Katie underfoot (but I love her for her shennanigans, it’s just hard to put away toys when as quick as you get them away, she has them back out!) I’ll probably listen to the twilight soundtrack another 10 times, and do some grocery shopping too. I don’t mind that Scott is going out without me, I do miss the fact that it’s an evening w/o him, which is sad — but there is much to do, and not much time to do it in– so I gotta do what I gotta do. 🙂 Laundry, Dishes…

and Heaven help me if I forget to buy another bottle brush, i’ll go insane, There’s no way to clean our glasses/sippy cups w/o a bottle brush!

I’ve been trying to plan out our meals a bit better lately, make sure that it’s not just “Eh I’m tired, lets get fast food.” Because that’s expensive (for one thing!) but it’s not too healthy. I’m trying to balance out our fridge, which is a bit OVER zealous when it comes to our veggie crisper, it freezes things. (I think it’s a veggie crisper!) so that’s no good. Frozen Salad, is PUKEY Salad. I’m hoping to continue a N. family Tradition with the H family. We usually have a relish tray for Thanksgiving, and it’s always so yummy! So I’m going to get a few things together for that for sure. YUM.

I hope I don’t go over my budget! :-S Must be careful while shopping, List only!

Today has been a lovely day. It was warm and sunny. My Family pics got done yesterday and AmyLee is sending them to me posthaste. If you’d like to view a few of them that she has up on her blog, click here I absolutely love them. I can’t wait to get prints made and make a collage. 😀 SO thrilled! 😀 I’m also excited that already a few people I know have expressed interest in getting their pictures taken by AmyLee, so if you’d like to, please let me know, and I’ll get you her contact info 😉

I’m super excited for tomorrow. it’s a full day, but a good day! 🙂 I’m particularly excited that I might maybe possibly who knows yet, be meeting my brother’s fiance. yeah I know, crazy I havent’ met her yet. They wanted to save the most unstable person for last 😉 hahah </ sarcastic laugh> Even if She isn’t able to come, I’m excited to spend time iwth my family– I don’t get to often due to — well having so many friends– and just being generally lame… I’m happy when I can work it out so we can. Poor Scott will be tired, but I think he should have lots of sleep in the morning (while I drop Katie at Carebear’s then go shopping at four different stores around town getting Christmas sealed up in a nice little bow. 🙂

its a good weekend plan– let’s see how it goes. 🙂

Derringer Meryl [Honey Honey] Out

yes, I slept all day. I did a few  other things like cleaned the house in a few different places– but If I had to sum today up in a word, it would be sleep. 🙂 It was goooooooooooood.

I seem to have hit the exhaustion stage. Who would have thunk. I am not really appreciative of this stage as I have a lot of stuff to do, and usually not a ton of time to do it in…. so exhaustion is not an option really.

We had tomato soup for dinner, and Katie actually refused to eat her grilled cheese, it was very very odd.

Derringer Meryl [long day… of sleeping] Out

I am, as tradition dictates, finishing up Dr. Horrible for the weekend. I will probably re-watch it tomorrow so that Katie can watch it with me. She usually does.

I will cover some lighter news before heading on to my more heavy topic. So we did do pictures today, Katie was rough. BUT I think we’ll have some wicked awesome pictures. We did get all of our to-do list done. Mandarin Loved her gift, which was a quilt, I will put up some pictures tomorrow. they are pictures taken with my cell phone so they aren’t SUPER high quality, but hey, some pictures are better than no pictures, right? I am absolutely exhausted from today. Scott can say so triple as he is often very very tired, and we went out walking around the garden. I had a lot of fun. I’m SUPER sore from it though. that just speaks to my physicality, right? Yeah I’m pathetic. On to the serious stuff.

This might be a bit morbid– Please if you are pregnant, plan to be pregnant, or are often made nervous by talking about serious subjects– please skip my blog for today

Are you listening?

Please don’t enter this haphazardly.

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A friend of mine via the internet suffered a still birth in March 2007, and while it was hard to see pictures of her wonderful son, and his funeral (hard for me personally) I can’t imagine people who would tell her to not discuss her loss. Maybe because I feel for her in a way. More sympathy than empathy– I couldn’t possibly imagine how horrific that would feel– but her baby (baby K I will call him) was important to her, and she is an important person to me, so I would never wish for her to stop sharing her story. It’s a hard thing to love and lose a baby. Complicated and rough.

(interjection here: I am fine in my pregnancy to my awares, however I am writing this post in a ‘every baby is a miracle’ kind of way…)

No one understands the pain that a mother (or a woman who was to become a mother) who has not felt that loss. I dont’ mean to deminish those who have not lost, but I believe deeply it is a pain only a mother can understand. It rocks you to the core. The fear of a lost child is earth shaking. No matter what state of life that child is in.