Undone

yesterday I signed up for being able to view my labs and stuff online! It’s super cool, quite frankly I love it. It’ll show me labs for pretty much back to 2000… which once again, is flippin’ cool.

I like reading that stuff. I learned things that my doctors never deigned to tell me. LIke that I had a hematoma with my daughter Audrey … it’s apparently REALLY normal (according to the internet) but no one ever chose to tell me. She was also breech at her 20 week appt. Maybe I’ll never have a head down baby. little jerks!

I also found the lab reports for my unborn baby from 2005. It was heart breaking. This blog, while public, is probably the only place I’ll mention it. Though my husband did just abscond with the computer a moment ago, so I suppose he read it…

I realized as well last night the time between my last daughter’s birth and now (and every day still) is the longest time I’ve been NOT pregnant in our entire marriage. Which is weird to think about.

Yes I am thinking about babies a lot lately.

Yes I understand I sound quite strange.

Yes I should probably not think about it so much since we’re still waiting.

No. I am not going to explain to you why this is important to me. It’s special and I don’t want to talk about it with people who are just going to roll their eyes at how I feel. It’s kind of an on going policy.

Also i don’t consider myself to be like, a baby churning out machine. Clearly I am able to exercise restraint in having children, as I don’t have 25, and If I did have 25 kids (not sure if possible at my age) who the hugs business is it but mine and my husband’s how many kids we decide to have (3, thank you very much). I realize i’m getting defensive at a conversation I’m having essentially with myself, but welcome to my life.

Anyway. I love being pregnant, even though it’s hard. It *IS* hard. But I love it. I love tiny babies, I love watching my kids grow, and helping them be great people. I am just looking forward to doing it again.

Derringer Meryl [BAAAAAAAAAAAAABIES] Out

Being a girl myself, I relate (now being a mom twice over) really well to my mom. No offense to my dad, who is great in his own right, I don’t want this blog to sound like my mom is great and my dad didn’t do anything… It’s just that myself, I find myself learning a lot about my mom through being a mom myself. I will always be a parent, but I will never ever be a dad. I just thought I would cushion what I’m about to say– just because I know my dad is awesome too– I just find myself with an increasing respect for my mother.

I had my second daughter a week or so ago. We were in the hospital for a while, my parents (ever so greatly!) took care of Katie for us, and I came home and my mom stayed with us. She made sure we ate well, and often, and that I got water and relaxed. She made sure that Katie got attention, and that I got sleep. I’m sure it wasn’t SUPER de duper fun for her, but I know she did it because she loves me. The way I love my kids. 🙂 And now she’s watching Katie for me at her house (again, both her and my dad) because I still can’t lift her, and snuggle her like I want to… she’s dying for attention and to go outside. Which I can’t do because A) I’m exhausted and B)I don’t want to be mauled by our dog who is just the right size to jump up and hit me in my incision. Ow.

In any case, my mom (as I mentioned at the hospital) is a self sacrificing person. I love her for that. I love her for loving my daughter… I love her for loving me 🙂 Even when I’m not so lovable.

Derringer Meryl [Mom Love] Out

Don’t ask me about the title.  it popped into my head.  I figured why not.

I am going to be a mom again on July 2. It’s freaky! Only a few more days. I’m scrambling to get some things done. Such as my dishes, get the garbage out, clean house, get some entertaining TV in order (for Katie or me, either one.) I’m kind of worried about Katie’s reaction. She has been increasingly excited about babies. For example we saw a tiny little baby boy at church and she would not be quiet about it. She was standing in the aisle (as she is prone to do) and pointing “BABY BABY BABY!” of course she wasn’t quiet doing that. She loves babies. I hope she’ll love Audrey.  She has been very cuddly since the incident last week, and loving. I have to say that her stage right now of being lovey but sometimes independant is wonderful. I am afraid of the 2 weeks following my c-section when I won’t be able to lift her. I am trying my best to condition her now that Mommy can’t carry her all the time. I am also trying to carry her when I feel like I can (for as long as I can) because I know I won’t be able to soon.

I am excited for a tiny baby again. In some ways it’s going to be fun. In others, not so much. I remember recovering from Katie (when it was just me and Katie) and that was hard, so I imagine with a toddler it’ll be more interesting and more hard.  I am brimming with excitement and glee.

I am also excited to be done with heartburn, UTI’s, L&D trips, maternity clothes, night waking to roll over (i’m ok with general night waking) and the list goes on and on!

I have officially experienced contractions. They weren’t regular, but they are painful. I can’t imagine that regularly constantly… so maybe it’s best I’m having a c-section 🙂 I’m glad I’m taking the day before off. My brain is warring between cleaning house and doing something fun. I’m hoping to do BOTH. 🙂 I’m crazy like that. I’ll probably try and squeeze some shopping in as we won’t have time after I come home. I think about this stuff all day long.

Did I mention I’ve drank 128 oz of water today? yeah I have. that’s a lot. But apparently I was really dehydrated. :S Go me! I also need to charge the camera’s battery, finish packing my hospital bag… I want to do something special for Katie, but I haven’t thought of what… at all LOL. Maybe I should pack her Hello Kitty bag with some hospital treats for her.  I know she won’t remember this very much, but really the memories are for me. I probably (most definately) won’t get to be there when Katie meets Audrey for the first time. Since Katie will probably get to see her through the nursery window and I’ll be groggy confused mommy off in some room somewhere. 🙁 I didn’t think of that before. Oh well.

Heartbuuuuuuuuuuuuuuurn.

I”m ravenous. I swear I’ve never been this hungry before. I want salad, and salad dressing, some of my mom’s potato salad (yum!) more J-Dawgs hot dogs, a shake (YUM YUM!) Mashed potatoes, corn, maybe a shephard’s pie? Oh sheesh.

Alright I’m becoming uncoherent. I am going to see if Scott’s desk has food. Aurevoir. 😉

Derringer Meryl [FOOD!] Out

I’m missing something. Well I am missing something. My brains. I have 19 days until Audrey is here, and I”m fairly sure she has stolen the largest portion of my working brain. I feel like I’m taking crazy pills here people! I am missing some of my newborn clothes. I know that what I’ve found is NOT all of them. I am missing TOO many. I do want to pick up like a pack or two of onesies (I have an illness, baby clothes are like kryptonite, I’m too weak to resist. What a poorly worded reference…. moving on.) just so that everything that Audrey wears isn’t a hand me down. Though She is getting some new clothes too, thanks to my love of Carters. **LOOOOOOOVE**

My foot is swelling. The feet trade off which one is swelling worse. I bougth Audrey a lovie blanket a lot like Katie’s (so soft) Which I’m trying to keep away from Katie who is a blanket horder. LOL. If Audrey is like Katie, she won’t love blankets until she’s 2 anyway. 🙂

I feel like I”m not doing anything special to celebrate Audrey.I keep thinking that I need to do something. Katie got letters (spelling Kate) for her wall (which aren’t hanging up because there’s no room! Thus why I haven’t done it this time!) I haven’t made her a blanket, I haven’t done a dang thing! (though I technically have sock monkey fabric that If I had my act together would make a great blanket for her. But it’s not going to happen in 19 days. 🙁 So let’s just sigh, roll our eys on move on.) I do want to make some burp cloths because mine have dissappeared in the great baby clothes loss. Seriously, I had some cute things that have gone missing… and some cute things that have been perma stained by baby puke.

I remember after Katie had smeared something all over a super cute outfit and I was crying about it in the bathroom that I needed to A) calm down and B) get a grip. It was clothes. I had always been taught as a kid to respect the stuff I had and make sure I took really good care of it (Not that I always did, but I can’t remember ever breaking a toy. I broke a bed from jumping on it, and I still mourn the loss of my bed, it was so very pretty and princess-y. I also broke a step stool too. 🙁 I loved it too my dad made it for me.) otherwise i’d have to get rid of it. (Oh snap now I remember the 2 million jewelry boxes I broke. Ok, I was a bad kid, but I took care of my clothes, ok? Though some got lost, mysteriously. I had this shirt with bugs on it that I loved, and that dang thing just walked off, I swear to you!)

I digress… I was crying over a surely ruined Katie outfit when i realized it was just clothes. I love my daughter, and I want her to know that things are important, and we should do our best to keep things nice — BUT that things are never MORE important than people. So I don’t think I’ve shed a tear over clothes since then. Also, a few helpings of Kate Gosselin yelling at her kids about not playing with markers because they’d ruin their clothes sobered me up. It’s no fun being a kid when you can’t… be a kid. I understand that she has 8 and can’t spend all day scrubbing marker out of clothes and can’t spend all day buying NEW clothes because … well dang it there’s eight of them and If I was sobbing from the price of my one daughter’s clothes, then she would probably outright scream and pull her hair out if they all got their clothes dirty…. but that’s the thing. What’s more important? Your kids having fun and getting messy and being kids, or a bunch of clothes? I still understand WHY she does what she does, but what is she teaching her kids by doing it? I just think that sometimes there’s a trade off.

Anyway. I feel like Audrey isn’t as celebrated as Katie was, which is interesting because things have been different all the way around this time. Obviously it can’t be completely teh same, I already have one. LOL. I am really excited about having her. I was just telling Scott the other day that this time i feel more excited, wtih Katie I wasn’t sure what Kind of mom I would be. I wasn’t sure that I could do anything. I’m not sure this time, but I feel more prepared.

But I still feel like I’m losing my mind, like I need something to be more prepared!

Derringer Meryl [feet the size of my face] Out

So I am a planner. I like to have things work in my orderly way. Which makes having a c-section really good in a lot of ways (haha, I went like five words without talking about the baby! AHAHAHA!) because i know exactly what day I’m going in and having a baby. Or at least I will. Once I get to the point where I can schedule that. I need to ask my doctor “Oh hey when am I scheduling that?” tomorrow. I wish I could know right now. LOL. But It has started to occur to me that unlike the last time I went to the hospital– this will be quite different.  Before, Scott and I slept restlessly (or at least I did) until the alarm went off, and we drove our car to the hospital and I got all ready for surgery… at 6 am.

This time, we will wake up, get ourselves ready, and hopefully have someplace, or someone to come watch Katie while I go to the hospital and get all ready for surgery. I am planning that I will get her ready before I go. It’s weird though, to think that I have to have a plan in place for her until I go to the hospital. I guess (in thinking about it now) she will at least have DQ here until 10:30, and I’m guessing that DQ will probably just take the day off the day I have the baby…. well maybe LOL. at the very least she’d have someone here for her to scream at.

It’s kind of funny that I often forget that DQ lives with us. It seems like a weird thing to forget, but she is often doing her own thing with our friends, or hanging out with family. She’s pretty dang socially active. LOL.

I think that’s it for now. I cannot believe that it’s almost May, Katie is almost 2, and I am almost a mom x2! WTH?!

Derringer Meryl [Soon to be chorused by MOMMY MOMMY MOMMY!] Out