Undone

So I’m a working mom, as the mom lingo goes… i don’t think there is a nice little abbreviation for that. Anyway… I work, and when I’m not working, I’m desperately trying to de-stress from the work I do. So I think of shortcuts for the stuff I dont’ like (usually Scott cooks, because by the time I get home I’m wasted tired) and laundry usually goes unfolded because ANY mom can tell you that kids laundry ends up on the floor even if you put it away all nice and folded and organized in a chest of drawers (or a dresser). So I don’t fold laundry. Except towels, and that’s still rare.

Then came the problem of my kids wanting to dress themselves…. and me still wanting to sleep in. I got a shoe hanger (the over the door kind) and i put their clothes in it. I usually stock it once a week, and they can pick out clothes. This works great because A) I’m not always home to get them ready for school and B) it makes them more independent. So they grab clothes and put them on. This is great, but only holds about ten days worth of clothes if your kid isn’t crazy like mine and seems to go through clothes SUPER FAST. if you have a 2 year old or younger you can put the outfit together for them to grab so you can help them get dressed. I love it!! The downside is… PJ’s don’t really fit. Because really snuggly pj’s are too big, so I got some hanging closet organizer (like this: http://www.walmart.com/ip/Whitmor-5-Shelf-Hanging-Accessory-Rack-Pink/6023222) one in pink and one in purple to put their PJ’s and undies and socks in. I did this because Audrey is still young and has accidents fairly frequently and needed help finding new undies all the time. so now she is responsible for herself! I love that too.

I want my kids to take care of what they can. opening drawers and such can be hard, and when it isn’t it seems like they JUST get in there to play. This makes it EASY to see, easy to put away, and much less hassle for mom!

Derringer Meryl [Hassle free] Out

yesterday I signed up for being able to view my labs and stuff online! It’s super cool, quite frankly I love it. It’ll show me labs for pretty much back to 2000… which once again, is flippin’ cool.

I like reading that stuff. I learned things that my doctors never deigned to tell me. LIke that I had a hematoma with my daughter Audrey … it’s apparently REALLY normal (according to the internet) but no one ever chose to tell me. She was also breech at her 20 week appt. Maybe I’ll never have a head down baby. little jerks!

I also found the lab reports for my unborn baby from 2005. It was heart breaking. This blog, while public, is probably the only place I’ll mention it. Though my husband did just abscond with the computer a moment ago, so I suppose he read it…

I realized as well last night the time between my last daughter’s birth and now (and every day still) is the longest time I’ve been NOT pregnant in our entire marriage. Which is weird to think about.

Yes I am thinking about babies a lot lately.

Yes I understand I sound quite strange.

Yes I should probably not think about it so much since we’re still waiting.

No. I am not going to explain to you why this is important to me. It’s special and I don’t want to talk about it with people who are just going to roll their eyes at how I feel. It’s kind of an on going policy.

Also i don’t consider myself to be like, a baby churning out machine. Clearly I am able to exercise restraint in having children, as I don’t have 25, and If I did have 25 kids (not sure if possible at my age) who the hugs business is it but mine and my husband’s how many kids we decide to have (3, thank you very much). I realize i’m getting defensive at a conversation I’m having essentially with myself, but welcome to my life.

Anyway. I love being pregnant, even though it’s hard. It *IS* hard. But I love it. I love tiny babies, I love watching my kids grow, and helping them be great people. I am just looking forward to doing it again.

Derringer Meryl [BAAAAAAAAAAAAABIES] Out

At work we’ve been examining “why” a lot. Why do we want quality workers? why do we provide the service the way we do? Why, Why, Why?

I’ve been applying Why into my life. In case you need a bit of perspective:

So I’ve been thinking about this in a lot of different ways, relating to my job, because honestly that’s where this first was shown to me so it’s logical that I would apply it there first.

Then I started thinking about the fact that WHY would (and could) lead me to being a happier person. Truely. Simon has another video about how much he dislikes the “self help” industry because if we could just reach out to the other people around us and help THEM with their issues without any thought to being “paid back” any sort of return on that investment of our time, other than our own feeling of fulfillment.

I know people who live like this, they are generally much happier than me. I have to admit, I am NOT good at the things Mr. Sinek speaks of. Mostly reaching out to our fellow man. He says that we sit in our cubicles at work and just stay closed off. I wonder, if there is something about my psyche that makes me resistant to other people. At work we do a personality index, I’ve sat through the review of the results… at least 9 times now? and the things I know are that I score low ion the extroverted scale. I am technically an introvert that makes me kind of unique in the fact that my job requires me to be social. I am not socially poised, I DO worry that people like me. I do like to be the center of attention and make people laugh. Because it brings me fulfillment. It makes me feel good. So it’s weird that my fulfillment is working opposite of my personality. There’s probably some deep psychological hole in my brain that a doctor could fix so that I didn’t hate myself for being terrified of people. I do work at it. I enjoy training at work QUITE a bit, because (as any member of my immediate family will tell you) I like to repeat funny stories/jokes. Even if they fall flat. I will tell you the same snooty factoid (did you know that the Brigham City Temple was built on top of the Elementary school I went to? NO? Let me tell you again in 20 minutes.) even though I’ve probably already told you. FUN TIMES EH? Anyway. I like talking, like educating. I’d be a rubbish elementary/secondary school teacher. Mostly because as a trainer, i work with my boss to pick who is in my classes. As a teacher you get what you get and you don’t get upset. So there’s that. I don’t get final say, but– I do the best with what I’m given haha.

Anyway, I was thinking about Why in relation to my weight. I would L-O-V-E to be thin and a little bit foxy (VERY MUCH) and I’d honestly adore just being able to shop at a regular store. But those are the results I’m chasing. (seriously, have you watched the video? Do it!) Maybe I’m the eternal skeptic or something because I don’t have a belief. I don’t have a why. Why am I trying to lose weight? What is my belief set behind that? I think this applies. Because I am a drifter. A chameleon I will believe what you believe with the passion you have. I don’t have a solid opinion of anything. I don’t believe I can do it.

Let me say that again. I don’t feel like the full weight of the statement can be fully felt without me repeating it.

I don’t believe I can do it.

When I say that, when I feel it, when I write it, it is what i mean. It may seem a bit Melodramatic right? People say that’s what I am. Melodramatic. Over dramatic. Whatever. I feel like I am HONEST. I believe in my emotions, and the things I say about my emotions are not exaggerations, they are a true and brilliant painting of the war within my head. People thought that Van Gough was crazy because he could see the color in the universe when no one else could. Maybe it made him a little bit of a nutter. I’m not saying I’m Van Gough, cause I tell you I’m not, but I can tell you that I can relate to feeling something so intensely that it makes you feel insane.

Feeling nothing can make you just as crazy. Sometimes it feels like a faucet. I can only feel everything and be mad, or feel nothing at all and wonder what’s the point. To suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, or by opposing end them.

Look how easily I’ve turned this into something dark!

POINT: My lack of belief in myself makes all of my negative self talk true. I think I’m downright rubbish at my job. I feel quite frequently as a failure. I struggle. I am IMMENSELY proud of my trainees. It seems a little silly, because it’s not like they’re my friends, they’re just acquaintances, but I am proud of their successes, because as their trainer, their success is MY success.

So how do I eliminate that niggling “no you can’t” in the back of my head. The voice I know all so well. I know who he is, and I know where he came from. As much as I want to shut it all away– I can’t. I shut down parts of me to play perfect girl for a while. I did that a lot in High School. Junior high too. Smiling Meryl. Happy Meryl,  Sometimes is never quite enough if you’re flawless, then you’ll win my love … how sad is it that in the end I’m the person that I want to escape. At the end of the day the person that isn’t happy with how i”ve done is me. I project it on other people. Scott, the girls, my boss, God. Everyone else I think is not loving me enough, and it’s because i”m trying to shove all their love into this huge gaping hole I have where my self-esteem is supposed to be.

I remember thinking “if I just had kids, they’ll love me enough.” Maybe not consciously, I may not have had that EXACT thought, but it was there. Before that, It was if I had a husband, or if I had enough friends, or if I had a boyfriend.

Quite frankly the problem is that all the love in the world for exactly who I am now cannot replace the belief i should I have in myself. The belief that I am good enough. Strong enough, That I deserve to be loved, by the most important person in the world to me. As selfish as it sounds, if you don’t have yourself on your team, who do you have?

Does that make sense?  Probably not. Post 10 PM Meryl usually sounds like a bunch of crazy. But this all seems very clear to me now. So I figured out the Why to my broken-ness, I guess the next thing is … How do I fix it?

Derringer Meryl [Deep.] Out

I’m getting a year older this year. and if there is one thing that I have learned about me: I don’t like big groups.

This sucks because with my friends, and their spouses (whom I also consider friends, but I wanted to illustrate the number here) and their children (most of us have at least 2 kids now if not more) its’ really hard for us all to get together and I don’t turn into a wicked hose beast….

*goes off to google what that means in case it’s nasty* … Noun (1): A woman who is ruthless, evil, and outright objectionable in both physical and mental presence that seems accurate.

SO SAYS URBAN DICTIONARY!

Anyway, when I get into a group of like… say 10+ people I start getting snippy. You know a little curt. ( see also: blunt, breviloquent, brief, brusque, churlish, compendiary, compendious, concise, crusty, gruff, imperious, laconic, offhand, peremptory, pithy, sharp, short, short and sweet, snappish, snippety, succinct, summary, tart, terse, unceremonious, uncivil, ungracious)

I could google for more, but why when that illustrates it so well. I also Kind of use up all of my social appropriateness at work. I am nearly always in a group of 10+ people at work, and more so (considering the work I do) in an awkward situation. (Even more awkward. It’s like Meta awkward, the awkwardness builds on itsself in such a manner it refers back to itsself. THATS RIGHT.) Anyway, I kind of use up all my niceties in a day.

Imagine it’s like… D&D and it’s an ability called “Social Norm” and I can only use it 3 times a day like mother flippin’ laying on of hands or whatever. Point is, it’s limited and I use it up at work where I’m paid to use it. So I end up going out (especially in the summer because people are healthier in the summer, and they like to socialize in the blazing mother flippin’ heat (O-M-G this heat!) So I am warm… well let’s say I’m sweaty. So I’m warm, I’m covered in a layer of my sticky gross sweat, which makes me increasingly nervous because I am now nervous that I smell because I’m covered in a sheen of sweat, and there are over 10 people there. Then you add in my kids, whom I love. Like a lot. God help them, cause I feel like a lost cause on them sometimes. But you get the ragging of “Mommy, I want food” which you give them of course, be cause you’ll get people staring at you like this:

(Check out Hyperbole and a Half by Allie Brosh!

So I do that, but it also makes me nervous, which makes me sweat more… I think I should break for a moment to say why it makes me nervous around food. I have been good about it for years. But I get uncomfortable eating around people. I hate potlucks, because I am sure at least one person is thinking “What is up with that fat chick?! She’s back for more!?” so I never eat enough, and I swear to ALL that is holy and good in this world I am sure people are watching me. Like that moment in movies where you sit up and you realize everyone is staring at you HORKING DOWN the cheetos and dip and you just feel like fatty fat Chris farley and everyone is just staring and you hear like a fork drop and then you have to hastily excuse yourself (Oh you’re seeing into the inner workings of my mind now!) Also I feel like I don’t eat “properly” so eating in front of people makes me sweat too. Nervous = sweat. Plus, as I mentioned, it’s hot. Now, oft times my husband is with me when I’m at these things. And I’m sure people think I’m a hose beast because i make him do like EVERYTHING because I can’t handle it. He gets me my food, he gets me my drink, he gets the kids food, because I have a brain relapse when I try to go get food.

Funny story about food. when I was little (little, teenager, whatever) my parents and I would have breakfast together. and by sheer happenstance (usually at least once a week if not every day) my parents would star at me while I ate. They weren’t TRYING to be jerks. They did not know about my crippling phobias. (in fact I would say up to this posting they probably still don’t) so they weren’t trying to reinforce some of my worst fears, but at least it was just mom and dad. If they didn’t want me to be a porker, they could have stopped feeding me.

ANYWAY: Back to the setting of it’s warm, I’m nervous (and sweaty which makes me more nervous), there are over 10 people which makes me curt, I’m being belligerently abusive to my husband by making him my manservant (because he understands my psychosis and would not like to deal with sobbing Meryl later that night) and nice normal people try to interact with me. This leads to fail. My sentences are short. Even in the best of circumstances I lack finesse, but I do try. Like actually engaging instead of just answering when someone says “How are you?” I remember in addition to saying that I’m well I should ask (for proprieties sake) “and how are you?” because it’s NICE dang it! Instead it goes a bit like this:

Nice normal person: “How is work going, Meryl?”

Me: “Fine.” (Imagine the attitude of a petulant rebellious teenager, only encased in a 27 year old woman who has no right to speak like that…. not that teenagers do.)

Nice normal person: “That’s great, so you’re a trainer?”

Me: “yes.” (At which point my brain turns off. I have answered two monosyllabic statements, that means I am CHECKED OUT.)

Then, when I am removed of sweat, and heat, and kids screaming at me for food, and I am calm to the point where I am not going to stick my own eye out just for a reason to get out of there. I think back about how it was a nice evening… except for my social inadequacies. Then I think “I should just facebook that nice normal person. I am sure they would understand” I become RESOLUTE in the idea. THat’s a great Idea.

and then I think “and say what? I’m sorry I’m socially retarded around more than 10 people and it was hot and I was sweaty so I got snippy I don’t think that would work out very well. Let’s just keep the crazy inside.

So this is for you, nice normal people of the world:

uuuuuuuuuh

kthnxbai

Derringer Meryl [on toppa it] Out

So on Wednesday…

We got all princessed up and headed over to California adventure! Scott and Drew rushed ahead to get World of color fast passes. This ensures you a spot. Which I think is great. No camping out. I mean we camped out a little… anyway, after they got that, I was on the phone in the morning since Audrey did not seem to like her princess dress. I was hoping to find her something else to wear in the park, but she settled down after a while. We headed over to Tower of Terror where Scott, Erika and I took the girls and they were ok, until we got into the basement of the ride. It’s pretty thematic. We went onto the ride, and We loved it. Katie was a little freaked out afterwards but if you ask her now, she loved it.  We took the kids on a few small rides in Bugs life world…whatever it’s called… while Drew and Erika went on Tower of Terror again. (Scott and I normally don’t buy the pictures on these rides, but we bought one here. Because we LOVED Katie’s expression) Then we had lunch, road the Ariel ride (again) went on Screamin’ Over California. Since it was lil’ P’s birthday I sprung for candy at one of the stores. I am not above bribing children. So we all downed some lollies while Drew and Erika Screamed Over California. I love that ride. We got that picture too (of Scott and I) even though i look terrible. Scott has a great expression. So we got it. Then we went on the Monster’s Inc ride (it was cute!) and then got to meet Sully. Katie and Ivy got their pictures taken. Audrey was scared (as per on par) she was like “uh no thanks” and held onto me. Then we HAD to take pictures with Lightening McQueen. (Ka-Chow) Katie used to be a bigger fan, but instead she was just a moderate fan, we have some pretty cute pics of them together though.  (I’m getting things out of order!) The kids got to go on the Ariel carousel, which they loved. It’s one of Katie’s favorites. Drew and Erika’s extended family was in the park, so we parted ways to do some of our traditional Disney shopping. We got some Mouse ears (I got minnie ones that look like I’m wearing Minnie’s skirt on my head) and got names on them. We also got our Silhouettes done (the girls) and I love them. They look so grown up now, it just makes me want to cry! We did a bit more shopping and then headed back to the hotel to relax (we actually may have put our feet in ice water… it works!) until World of color. Audrey took a nap (a small one) and we went back to Disney California for World of Color. I bought the girls some Candy (because post nap Audrey has to have SOMETHING to eat because she gets all grumpy low blood sugar pants after napping) and a drink or two (obv. a diet coke!) The show was exciting. I think it would have been better if everyone had stayed flat on their butt instead of standing up. It made me wanna cry sometimes. I full on cried at the park later on. It’s sad that the magic of Disneyland isn’t an every day thing. I suppose the magic would be lost if I could go whenever. But who couldn’t use a little bit more of Disneyland? I know I could.

On Thursday, we were still separate from Drew and Erika, they had a few more people to hang out with. We understood. We got RIGHT on the train and went to the back of the park, to hit up the Princesses! (WHOO!) We got to meet Snow White, Aurora, and Jasmine. I of course was stoked to see Snow white. I got my pic taken with her, but only by a Disney Photog. (our camera was …dying, so we saved it for the girls) Audrey actually went up to people. She has SO much of my personality it’s not even fathomable. So we finished up there, got some new batteries and then headed to toon town. We took Audrey on her FIRST roller coaster. Seems like she liked it, but was a bit scared, it’s short (Gadget’s Go Coaster) but she seemed glad to get off. We played around in Toon Town, and met Mickey. Once again, Audrey was resistant. We got on the line for Roger Rabbit’s … Uh whatever that ride is called. the line seemed short, but it wasn’t. Audrey fell asleep while we were in line, and made it a bit like a torture chamber. We woke her up before going on it. I tried to keep the ride pretty straight, non-spinny time. Then we went on the Carousel (King Arthur’s!) and had a good time. I believe we also went on the Tea cups. Which is my favorite non-roller coaster ride. It’s a perennial favorite. Then we stood in line (which was fairly short but slow) for Rapunzel. We waited, and waited… then we got in! YAY. Katie was estatic, but Audrey (whom I was holding) said to me “That’s not Rapunzel.” AND SHE WOULD KNOW. As much as Katie CLAIMS to love Rapunzel, Audrey watches it FAR more. We chatted with her. and decided Audrey MUST needs have more food, and ordered her something at the adjoining restaurant.We went on Astro Blasters, which is a FAST moving line. I loved it. Audrey and Katie had a good time. We met up with Drew and Erika and left the girls with them for a while, so we could have a small date night. We went on Indy (yay) and had some Gumbo (new for me, and tasty!) at a small store. WE also picked up a Ornament replacement for Audrey, who smashed her “baby’s first Christmas ornament” last year. We sat waiting for the kids in the Partnership circle, and I looked at the castle and just thought “I’m not going to be able to remember everything about how wonderful this is.” Which made me feel down and this is when I started to cry in the park. Luckily it was dark and no one could see! haha. But Disneyland is the time when I remember what it’s like to be a child, and it makes me feel innocent and light hearted. It’s not something I get to feel every day. I was trying to Relish it while I could. I don’t recall much else from that evening. I think we may have just gone back to the Hotel.

On Friday (last day in the park) we headed straight for Fantasyland, and got in line for Dumbo. We sent the men folk various directions for fastpasses (Indy, Splash) and we stood in line. Audrey and Arthur argued. They were at each other’s throats the entire trip, I swear. I think it’s the proximity of their age. Also similarities in personality. It’s nuts like that. We went from there to Alice. Which was slow starting up, and the kids were going crazy. it was a little… anxiety inducing, but after we started going, it was MUCH better. We all knocked on the White Rabbit’s door. Then it was time for Splash Mountain. In case you havent’ sensed a theme, we have to go in shifts, because of the 5 kids between the two families. So Scott was worried that our fastpasses would expire and they wouldn’t let us on. I wasn’t worried at all (see that role reversal?!) So I had Most of the kids (four, Ivy was on the ride with her parents) and I was in line for Winnie the pooh. And Scott was not able to make it back to me in time. I Think I may hold the trip record for taking the most kids on by myself (four, of them… 4, 3, 2 and 1 in age) and yeah. It was interesting. Also … I think I may hate winnie the pooh. I’m just saying. We got off the ride and waited for Drew and Erika. Scott and I went on next, we took Ivy and Katie iwth us. And I tried to let Katie know when there was going to be up/down parts. but… I failed. Still, we had SO much fun. Katie claims to not like it, but I think she’d go again. I got only a little wet, and I appreciated that! We went over to go on Indy, but it had shut down (again) for being broken. So the girls went on Tarzan’s Treehouse. Which is a non-fav of mine, because 1) I don’t like climbing stairs. or going down them It’s just an opportunity to fall. So I avoid it. Also I don’t like the movie much either. We went on It’s a small world (again) and got stuck… FOR 10 Minutes!!! I feel like I should sue for emotional damage. Worst ride ever. We watched the parade that came through, and I invented a new game… wave at a character (any character) until they wave back to  you. It can be exhausting– but SO fun. And great when a character waves at you! We went back to main street and watched “Great Moments with Mr. Lincoln” well most of us did, Erika’s Son got a little boisterous and so she left. I should have left for her since she’s such a history buff. Seriously, it’s a must see, IT WILL FREAK YOU OUT! Anyway, there was a bit of an accident, so I had to go off for a bit with Kate. i feel Miserable tht she didn’t get to meet minnie with everyone else that evening, but I think it may be impossible to do EVERYTHING in Disneyland in 4 days 🙂 Indy was back up and running, so Erika and I went on Indy, and she is SO much fun, I wish I had gotten to ride on more with her. Scott and Drew took the kids on the jungle cruise while we were in line. Then we met up with them… and SWAP! 😀 Audrey Fell asleep.We headed over to Space mountain (we had fastpasses!) and Drew and Erika went first with Ivy. Katie didn’t want to go. So, Scott and I jsut sat down, because at this point– we were TIRED. So we sat down, and headed towards Dreamland. Audrey was out, Katie fell asleep. We helped lil’ P fall asleep (with the aid of Scott’s Jacket) and Then Arthur drifted off to dreamland. (Good Times!) Scott and I went on Space mountain, and I screaaaaaaaaaaaaamed. So much fun! I desperately wanted an Agent P to snuggle with, but Refrained! WE bought the girls a couple of dolls, I got a shadow box (mickey) and Scott and I bought each other grape Soda pins. I’m sucha schmutz that I wanted to start crying when he gave me mine. I love mine. 🙂

We had a good time. we were glad to come home.

Derringer Meryl [Good times!] Out