Undone

You know how when you try something new that you like and you want to do it more and more?

that’s not always the best reaction ever. Really. It’s bad for you. You could become addicted to it or something… or… um…

Nevermind.

It’s been driving me crazy too. Ya know? I feel like a little kid in Primary (if you don’t know what primary is, i’m sorry.) and i want to go and run around and be wild and grab things and play the piano and ask questions. It feels like my brain is running everywhere at once, and yet it all seems to root back to the same place.

*blinks*

I’m beginning to loose my mind…. and Scott’s just regaining his. Blah. We need to time this all better.

Derringer Meryl [36 days?] Out

Good News:

Condos Galore in Scott’s friend’s complex. Also, Mandarin has found me a job that pays well. (wahoo!)

Bad News:

It uber costs for us to bring our cats. Like, eight hundred dollars costs. Also, the good job (and I don’t doubt that it is a good Job, and i’m grateful she checked into it) is pushing carts… After work yesterday (six straight hours of standing up! wahoo!) i’m SO looking for a job where I can sit more.

I need to brush my resume (rezoomay) up so it looks better, and has my correct stats. Like now i can type fifty words per-minute (faster if it’s not from another piece of paper (like my own thoughts like i’m doing right here) and that impresses me. I can run word perfect (i’ve been brushing up) and Microsoft Word.

😉 and now i have SOME knowledge of the Legal field. (And I’ll be able to officially say that if I pass my final next week) I chose not to be a Legal Secretary for one main huge gelatinous reason…. it’s a way high stress job. I’m a high stress person by nature (which is funny because Scott’s as low stress as you get)

Anyway. Church. I need to get prettified.

Derringer Meryl [if you’da been there, if you’da seen it] Ou

I encourage the entire world to ignore my stupidity of yesterday. *shrugs* There is no way in heck i have the nerves of steel to cut back on kissing, and honestly I wasn’t really making that choice for both of us.

it was more of a me thing anyway.

You don’t want to know. It definitely falls under the “Once I tell you, you’ll scream and say you didn’t want to know.” Yeah. So… Hah.

Derringer Meryl [Being a Soccer Mom this morning] Out

So I pacify problems with kisses and cuddles

Diligently doubtful through all kinds of trouble

Then I find myself choking on all my contradictions

Or the lack thereof. I’ve decided (on my own, i’m sure there will be contesting of this) that I’m cutting back on the kissy-stuff.

It’s distracting

It’s unneeded (at this point)

and it causes problems.

Problem solved. I’ll just cut back.

Derringer Meryl [Groovin’ to the music] Out

Before I begin, IF you are a squemish sibling (or their wife, I figure you fall into the sibling catagory, but i’m talking to you) or if you just don’t wish to know the inner workings of my mind, don’t continue. Please. Dont. I don’t need your teasing because i’m honest. I am honest. I’m open, and this entry is open too. So don’t read it if you don’t want to be slightly (or more) grossed out.

my evil plot has worked….

I’m killing Scott slowly.

*blinks* wait, that was supposed to be carried out on one of my exes, not my dashing darling wonderful handsome stylish fiancee. Crap. I thought the whole torture was going a little easily. :-S

*coughs* So in all actuality I’m not trying to kill Scott, but I’m succeeding really well. He thinks that it’s not hard for me, and i never do anything stupid.

I’d let him talk to Red for two minutes, and wow…. he’d have a different idea– but some horrid stories should come from your spouse to be, and not from her best friend. I’ve done bad things. Oodles. Scott’s lucky that his brain has been normal up till now (as in sex free thoughts) because honestly, my brain has been doing all that junk for a long time. Maybe that’s how i know how to handle it.

Sukie thinks you can’t divert sexual energy into work. *snickers* She may be right, but I seem to succeed at it. *smiles* I’m still a love free zone here, and i’m fine! I think i’ve just learned to handle all the little nasty thoughts that run through my brain.

I sorta feel bad. Not depressed as Scott so thinks though, just kinda guilty. He misses who he used to be, before he met me. And while i know he doesn’t mean that he wants to go back and be without me… i still sorta get that. still sorta feel like he doesn’t want to wait with me (that could be misconstrued, let me explain) he doesn’t want to be in the in between period with me. He wants to be either like he was before he met me (sane with coherent non-sex thoughts) or married.

and the reason I don’t “make mistakes” like he says is because i dont’ want to. I want him, but I want to be with him forever. That outrules everything. I want Scott forever, not just for a little while. And when we kiss, I pull back and look at him and smile. I think “I get to be with him forever If I’m good. I want to be SO good.” That’s why I smile. Because I love him so much. I want to be with him all the time– and I love it when he holds me. Just holds me. Not even kissing. I love to hold his hand, and have his arms around me. I feel right. Do you know how long I’ve waited to feel right? Nineteen years.

So yeah, Sex runs through my brain, a lot. Romance and forever runs more. I couldn’t bear to be without him. It’s death to have him leave every night. But I have to do it. I have to let him go, so I can have him forever.

and that’s what I want.

Derringer Meryl [is going to get stupid comments from sibs] Out