::Breathless::

I sure as hell nothing major happens tomorrow, and if it does, i can edit this post.

Last year I wanted to accomplish in 2011:

Debt Debt debt. I will pay off RC willey, however I will incur new debt in fixing the roof. I hope to have that paid off this year too! Well, I think I incurred more debt than paid off, but we are always doing our best to work towards it.
Find happiness in my life. – I believe so. I feel that my life has taken many turns for the better this year. Many happy things have happened, and I feel like I have gained a peace that has alluded me for some time.
Keep my house in order – Uh. Yes? I would say I have my house hold duties more in hand now than I have before. But I am not perfect by any stretch of the imagination.
Grow Closer to the Lord – I feel like I accomplished this. I have attended the temple more frequently and regained my temple recommend ( renewed it pdq if ya know what I mean)
Cook more – Yes! I did a lot more home cooking, and while a long with my house being in order,  I am not perfect, I feel like planning my meals out and finding more crockpot friendly recipes has been useful!
Attend a Concert (Out of the blue right?) – Yes! My dearest brother took me to a concert. I must text him and remind him he did that instead of getting me a present. We had a great time, and quickly realized we’re getting too old for that stuff, haha.
Finish some quilts – Well, I did two this year, Scott’s quilt and my robot quilt. I have two on the back burner still, and a third that is burning in my brain– I will need Sukie’s assistance.

New goals:

More church attendance: WE still stink at this! I will set the meager goal of at least twice a month. (SAD!) All of us, in the chapel, butts in pew.

More Temple attendance. I would like to go at least once a month.

I would like to accomplish ONE goal on my bucket list

(I will make this easier) Pay off more debt than we incur. Last year we were bad, This year we will be SO good. So very very good.

Potty train Audrey (SHE BETTER!) At least give it a go.

(I will wish for this every year) Become a SAHM. Even if it is the last day of the year. i will still work for this goal every day.

Monthly Date nights with Scott (even if it is dinner at home and netflix or recorded TV) MONTHLY!

Double the word count in my book (legitimately, no typing OK or banana 25k times)

2011 Recap:

Got a new job. pretty much straight out of the gate, I started working at BH. Love it, btw.

Finished the Yoshi quilt (PRIDE!)

Got moved to Chats at work (love it!)

7 years Married to Scott. (I love you Scott. you’re my hunny bunny)

became insanely obsessed with portal Toying with a portal quilt idea

Got off of sunday’s at work

Went through the Temple with Scribbles

Got promoted at work (Level 2)

Scribbles got Married

Went to see Joco and TMBG with Dax

Got promoted to trainer at work

Merry Christmas

happy birthday

and a happy new year

Derringer Meryl  [Don't hate me for forgetting you, I'm tired] Out

you’ve trapped me again. I’m trapped inside of my head as I try to scratch and claw and tell you… tell you the truth. i wish i could show you. Replay the memories that i’ve locked away. replaying again and again, at night as i try to sleep. I see shadows… figments… shades; haunting me.

I wish i could pour out my regret.  poke a hole in my soul and let it drain and seep out. freeing me of it’s weight. of the disappointment. Instead I keep it all inside, letting it drag and weigh me down. distorting me, warping my heart.

stretching me out

wearing me out.  I push the weight of my choices onto my back. I hunch, I strain, I pull.

I stretch as I try to work this into something I can use, a lesson, a path, something important, and lovely. A way back.

I’m trying to reform what remains. I”m trying to show you, the best that I can

that I can be more.

I think it’s important to note, that I’m no Economical genius, but it seems that we’ve upset the economical circle of life, There are always going to be Oprah’s and Bill Gates’ and Steve Jobs’ who have a lot of money, but the middle class is disappearing. We are all becoming lower middle class. The wages we are being paid don’t cover the expenses we have. and it all feels like we’re downing in our own debt. Some people might say rightfully so. I know people who have been out of jobs for YEARS. Not for fun, Not because they are too picky about where they work, because everywhere they try to apply is saturated with applicants. People are “over qualified” or don’t have enough experience, and so only a select few can be hired.

I feel fortunate to never have been laid off, or out of a job. If I leave it’s because I choose to leave. Scott has been laid off, and it was the worst way EVER to wake up in the morning. the worst. We are fortunate that he found a job, and quickly with his current (and my current) employer. They treat us right, and are growing exponentally. We love it! We are lucky.

I am not an economic genius, but it doesn’t take much to see that the money that is supposed to be “trickling down” is NOT trickling at all. Statistically, the rich are getting richer. Should we punish them? No. Being successful at your job isn’t your “fault” per say. It’s not something to fault you for. Should you be forced to keep your income in the economic pool via taxes, yes.

Imagine, somehow, all of the fish in a stream were horded into a holding pen somewhere. Not allowed to swim around as they normally do… Everything that depends on the fish– is being punished, and could wither and die. Which is why in nature most animals don’t just eat one thing. They eat a variety of things. But economically, you pretty much just have cash. Moolah. You can have it in stocks, bonds, 401k, savings, checking, CD… blah blahblah. you can shape it and fold it any way you want, but it’s still money. it’s what we all need. It’s why we work, to get money to pay for bills, for vacations,f or clothes for food! Money makes the world go. There are people who are hoarding it. If a person is holding onto the majority of the nations wealth, it is detrimental to the economy. Sure we can print more money, but that just devalues it. There is only SO much money in the world, and the people who aren’t passing it on the way it is supposed to, are dicks.

Bam

Derringer Meryl [Sleepy time] Out

Not really con. haha, He did it as an early birthday present, which I TOTALLY appreciated. It was nice to go. Really nice. despite both of us being DOG tired by the end of the night. I am not used to standing that long anymore. BLEH! He’s a super awesome brother, for coming with me, and listening to me talk his ear off!!

We went together and saw They Might Be Giants and the Absolutely Amazing Jonathan Coulton. I didn’t recognize most of the They Might be Giants stuff, but when you consider I was 2 when their first CD came out, I figure that’s ok. They sang Birdhouse in your Soul, and a few other songs I liked. I adored JoCo. I do. He’s lyrically funny. I told Scott the concert was like living backwards. All the songs I learned and loved as an adult with JoCo and all the songs I learned, and the voices from y childhood with TMBG. It was a great time. I learned some new songs. I loved hanging with Dax. I did my best to not go all emo, or be the annoying girl who screeched too much (she was behind me, unfortunately)

Check out JoCo You’ll find at least one song that makes you laugh. I guarentee it. He’s awesome.

Here’s to doing something you want, and checking off ONE goal from your list
Derringer Meryl [But I"m way too smart for you] out

I think everyone has bad days. When you burst into tears because of an All American Rejects in the car– you should probably be seeking help.

Probably.

Music helps people through a lot of things, takes their mind off the pain, helps them get in touch with their emotions, helps them see another point of view, and once in a while, helps you shake your booty for an hour or two. Who couldn’t use the exercise? In a mentally well person, is there a thing as too much exercise? I doubt it.

So as I sit here listening to “Move Along” I find that the emotions it evokes, the times in my life it reminds me of are still, too personal and secret to share. I listen to this song when I’m down. It helps me remember to be UP. That being said, it still makes me sad, just a little, as it reminds me a little that I am too broken of a person to reach out to people when I am depressed. I went through a dynamic change in my life last year (2010) that broke me.

I feel fortunate enough to say that as broken as I felt, and I still feel, from the experience I also found it VERY inspiring. I feel blessed, not necessarily in a spiritual way take it as you please, that I have the ability to see the bright side of a lot of things. I have the capability to get a crap sandwich and say “Thank Goodness i got this crap sandwich, it makes me happy for the good food I normally get a chance to eat” On the flip side though, I can see the dark and unpleasantness of a lot of things as well. Especially within myself.

So, I sit and I listen to this song, and It reminds me of my social inability to reach out to others. Even when those who are closest to me, Or who I percieved as being closest to me, were in their time of need, I withdrew. I feel like it’s something I’m paying for now. But I have a belief in living with your mistakes. Also, I still have that crippling social ineptness that prevents me… from being out there. I am not afraid of what might happen…

… I am exhausted. From trying, and thinking two or three steps ahead, trying to make up for how broken I am. It’s not something I could medicate for, the anxiety (the need to plan steps ahead, compulsively) is something I could medicate for. Instead, I have withdrawn. I hope no one takes any particular offense to this. I … have no excuse. I may end up dying lonely and sad, or maybe I’ll die with my closest friends morning the loss. Who knows. But I can’t control it. I can’t FORCE people to love me despite the fact that I am afraid of the rejection of calling you to say hello. Maybe so much subconciously that the thought does not even occur that NORMAL people do that. Normal people ask each other how their days were, and joke and laugh.

Dear friends, I am not normal. I am crippled emotionally. It is a good day when I can leave my house and go the whole day without hating myself. Please know that I do truly love you, despite my inability to be any sort of normal, and I am sorry if I ever gave you the impression otherwise. I will try to be there for you.

Won’t you be there for me?

Derringer Meryl [Someday a post won't be a bring down] Out