::My Never::

I’ll be honest, my pessimism brings me down, a lot. (as we discussed in my last post) but a wonderful lady from my message board suggested a 30 day no negativity challenge. I think this will be great to go hand in hand with my 35 day (ish) losing weight challenge before DQ’s wedding. Gotta do it.

I can’t believe it, i ran a mile last night. I wasn’t winded from it… but my throat felt like it it was going to close up. My Co-worker and I are speculating that it may be because i was breathing in dry air, and then the moist air of my shower relaxed my throat. In any case, I am going to oscillate through a few different exercises. First, running on the tredmil, probably Monday and Tuesdays, easy peasy. Wednesday and Thursday will be wii fit, and Friday will be Julian’s Shred, which kicks my butt, two days of rest and good eating (healthy eating, ) and then start all over. I think we all know that two days is a good amount of time to recover from Julian’s Shred. She’ll kick your booty. No time to rest in her work outs. she talks at you while she jumps around. But I’m excited. After 35 days, i may calm my exercise schedule down, but I want to continue. Exercise will naturally keep me feeling happier, thanks to endorphins.

and you know what? if I don’t stay with my rigorous schedule, if I miss a day, or don’t feel like it sometimes, it’s OK. Really. Because I’m not perfect. And while that sounds a bit like a cop out, or an excuse, it’s not. It’s reality. I’m not perfect, and I’ll do my best to stick with it, and drink my water instead of diet coke, I’ll probably make a few mistakes, and that’s OK As long as I start over and try again!

Failure isn’t when you don’t achieve your goals, it’s when you stop trying to.

I can already feel that this 30 day no negativity is going to be awesome. I LOVE MY LIFE!! It’s hard, but worth it!

Derringer Meryl [Feeling Very Up] Out

AKA: the one where I discuss why I work Customer Service.

Most people don’t say “OH I LOVE to work Customer Service!” Because we can all admit, people can be big fat jerky jerks sometimes, which sucks. No one wants to deal with someone who is angry. I don’t like angry people, and while there are people who do, they are probably some sort of masochist and have jobs doing something else that is kind of kinky.

*ahem*

anyway. I work it because I need to. Not like it fulfills me in a way that nothing else can (which again, kinky sounding?) It just is something I need to do, because, well we all do what we need to survive.

I just wonder sometimes if those people who call someone in a call center realize that talking on the phone isn’t these people’s passion. It’s a job. They do the best they can, and then they go home. No one in a call center (save supervisors maybe) go home thinking “how can I make my job better?” Nope. You go home and you try not to think about the fact you’re going back tomorrow. Typically anyway.

If you’re lucky like me, you work in a marvelous wonderland of free diet coke (you should be hearing angels singing at this point) and nice coworkers, a super CEO/CFO who just make you want to come to work. It’s still hard. VERY HARD for me to not just stay at home (though I know it’d be bad for us) but, it’s nice that if I HAVE to work, to work some place where people are funny and joke, like I do, and they understand you’re a human, and that you have needs. and the phones are so nice (that is the people on the phones, that you talk to) that you don’t mind that your break is only 10 minutes. You know that the office functions like a well oiled machine, and everyone is happy and willing to help…

it’s amazing.

I feel bad for my former Verio Co-workers. They lost some of their pay, and their differential is completely gone. How sad. No commentary on the company’s choice, i don’t want to get in any sort of trouble for that. It’s just unfortunate for my friends.
In any case…

I am happy. Which feels odd. After being 7 different shades of miserable for over two years, it feels good, and scary to be happy. Which I realize is stupid. (HAHA) but I have been trying to eliminate a lot of my negative self talk, and remove my ideals. Not like Ideals like being a good person and what good people do. But I seem to think that my house needs to be spotless and that my kids should always be clean and dinner should be cooked and kids should be happy, etc etc…

I can’t force things to be perfect. I feel like I’ve been trying to shove a square peg into a round hole for 2 years. I’ve been trying to balance things out. Trying to make things like they were before. Before we had kids, and it’s been frustrating me that I can’t make it that way. But that’s just how it is. I can’t be the mother my mom was, because quite frankly, I’m not my mother. I can’t be the perfect wife, but I can be a pretty damn good one

Like Mal says:

Mercy is the mark of a great man.
(stabs Atherton)
Guess I’m just a good man.
(stabs Atherton again)
Well, I’m alright.

I guess I’m just a good wife, good mom, and good person. That’s ok, and sometimes I’m great, sometimes I feel PERFECT (or as perfect as I can be) and I am happy, that’s great. But– I can’t be like that all the time. It’s not possible. Not even if I stayed at home. Not even if I cloned myself. I’m not lazy, I’m not stupid, I’m not anything but Imperfect. And Scott Loves me that way.

I need to love me and my imperfections too.

Derringer Meryl [BREAKTHROUGH] Out

that’s right, I’m on edge, for some reason. (and I don’t mean the cellphone network) I just feel antsy all of the sudden?

I have been going to therapy still. I feel like i’ve turned a very positive corner by leaving Verio. They were a great employer for a long time for me, but it came time, and very evident, that it was time for me to part from Verio. I won’t say anything bad about them, mostly because I don’t like to burn my bridges.
I took a week off (as I mentioned before) and my therapist could tell an obvious difference in me, he said I seemed more relaxed, and like I was taking care of myself. It’s true. I was. I am. I’m trying. I’m putting an effort forth. It’s difficult to remember myself. LIke how I should be tucking myself into a cooshy bed right now instead of blogging. Part of my brain says “KISS MY BUTT SENSIBLE SIDE!!” and I’m staying up. Whee.

New job is great. They are so… HAPPY and sensible, and … relaxed. Don’t let me fool you, they are SERIOUS on security, SUPER SERIOUS! But it’s fun, and they joke and we all kid… and it’s great. Tomorrow I start listening to calls. I’m excited and nervous.

And tired.
Derringer Meryl [So much more to say, tired though] Out

So we have been, over the past year, trying to potty train Kate. There hasn’t been a great opportunity because Audrey was still pretty little and was clingy. Overall, I was just at work and busy feeding Audrey and just generally tired. Well, the time has come (the walrus said) to potty train Kate. She had, up to this point, been spotty about going potty (I rhymed) she would, on occasion sit on it and potty. Finally Kate and I went out and got a BUNCH of undies. I let her pick out most of them. Pretty much pull ups weren’t cutting it. We started thursday and something just clicked. she’s doing AMAZING at staying dry at night (which is awesome IMO!!) and has only had 2-3 accidents, mostly relating to poop. Which I’m fine with. It takes time. I mean, it’s not FUN, but its’ great what she’s achieving.

Other things about Kate, we got her a chapter book today for the first time. We’re reading Matilda, by Roald Dahl. It’s one of Scott’s favorites (Roald Dahl is a great author for kids) I’ve never read any Roald Dahl Before, so it’s fun to read with her. Also it’s immensely entertaining so far.

Kate has also fallen in love with Futurama. It all started when Scott and I were trying to watch some of the new episodes, and Scott mentioned to Katie that it’s from the creator of the Simpsons. Ever since then, Fry and Leela have become staples at our house. Thanks to Netflix, we have all the episodes. we have been enjoying a lot of media lately, thanks to netflix.

Bed time though, oh my, has become a battle of “i so scared” Which frankly is  hooey. I know it is, because she just has been using it to stall bedtime as well as using “I can’t sleep” which is also hooey. very frustrating. I’m sure I’m just getting back what I gave… Oh well!! Maybe that’s why I have two girls, to give back all the drama I created HAHA.

My therapy has been going well. We are really trying to get to the root of my issues. Which is great. Previous therapists have given me what I like to think of as “mental bandaids” and this therapist really seems to want to know why I work the way I do, which seems to be important to fixing the fundamental problem. IE: are we fixing the root of the issue or just the surface? So i’m happy and excited about that. We have been discussing in depth that I need to value and prize myself enough to do the things it takes to be happy. To take care of myself. Which is a challenge for me. Somewhere in my brain I have it ingrained that to be a stellar mom, and wife, that I need to take a perma-backseat to everyone else. Which may, for some people, work well. BUT I have, with the people in my life, re-enforced a standard that I am not important and don’t need to be taken care of. Which is BS. Doesn’t everyone need someone to look out for them? I do, that’s for damn sure. I appreciate the people who see the weakness in me, and strive for me to draw it out. It’s hard to be the person to force someone to look at themselves, very carefully– but I appreciate the people who do!

Derringer Meryl [I do what I want!] Out

Scott and I have been watching our finances, and we found that a lot of our money was going to food. Snacks, eating out and then regular groceries. WHOO it added up! So now, we’re planning menus for two week periods. Hopefully next week I can do some casseroles and freeze them. I hope so anyway. Mostly because I don’t mind cooking, I mind cooking after a long day, in a hot Kitchen… etc etc. So hopefully this will help eliminate that. I’m going to cook a bunch at once, so we ‘ll stop eating out so much!

Also, if you want to come and keep me company while I go on this cooking adventure next week, That would be great!

We’re also venturing into Potty training-ville next week. Katie is super psyched about undies. This makes me excited we have so much upstairs space that is un-carpeted. We’re going to be spending much of sunday in the kitchen, hanging out in our undies (well Katie in hers, me in my pj’s) learning how to pee on the potty!

I’m a little sad to be leaving work, but I know it’s time. In no way a reflection on the company it’s self, I have been really stressed about work, I come home and I am not the best mommy I could be, and it has been contributing to my depression a lot.  It is time for me to leave. We are parting on amicable terms. I prefer it that way. I will miss the good people I’ve worked with, and have had the opportunity to meet and work with a lot of very nice and friendly people. Some of which have already gone on before me. I will miss the people, and hope to keep in touch with many of them. They are good people.

this new job I’m going to be starting will be the first job I’ve started in 6 years where I don’t know ANYONE I work with. I’ve only done that before at Convergys. That being said, I only still talk to two or three people I worked with at convergys, but the job didn’t really lend its self to making friends. Everyone was in and out of there like clockwork. No time to get to know anyone. Anyway… Its intimidating to be  yourself. To be … comfortable with complete strangers.

I feel though, that after last week’s complete break down in therapy, I feel like I am building up. I’ve always had a problem expressing myself. A big problem. I will hold things in. But lately, I have been much better. Being honest in my communication. I wouldn’t say that I’m blunt, but I tell the truth. I don’t hold it in. Which is a great thing. It’s healthier all over. Mostly because if you’re telling people what bothers you, they can adjust… or I guess more exactly they can know how you’re feeling and you can work together to make sure that any bad feelings you have won’t come back. I do … still hold back some. Mostly because I think about “Is this really that big of a deal” and try and calm myself down.

I helped with CareBear’s baby shower. I thought it went well. I’m fairly good (If I do say so myself) at picking activities. Not everyone participated in the balloon toss, which is fine, because … I figured on that Sukie and Mrs. O did a great job on the food, it was delicious. Then Mama O took me out to get my nails done. It was so nice to be able to relax, and Katie and audrey had fun with Uncle Frik and later on with little Squirt. It was a nice day. I don’t do things for myself, without prodding. I am not… actively thinking about myself. Which is unfortunate. I am a person too, I deserve for good things to happen for me! I deserve to be happy!

Side note: I hate when people say things like that “I deserve to be happy” as if it’s a thing they’ve earned. it’s not like… doing work and then being happy is payment. I guess a better statement would be “I have a right to pursue happiness” Because you don’t just get happiness.   It doesn’t just happen to you.

Just my thoughts for the day

Derringer Meryl [off for now] out

I don’t mean african american, just… all out attractive. In case you haven’t seen the show Archer (Don’t Google this show mom, haha) Archer is a Secret agent, who has to work with his mom (and boy does he have mommy issues) his ex girlfriend, and her new boyfriend. YAY! Oh and it’s a little bit like James Bond, only everyone thinks you’re a dork, and says so. haha. It’s really quite funny (Think, Venture Brothers-esque) But Lana (pictured above) is the ex girlfriend, and she walks around in her sweater dress and I swear to you only her hips move. Ok Ok… I’m going to take a break here while you shake off the fact that I am NOT a lesbian. It’s ok. I can wait.

Done? Seriously this girl is SO pretty and so attractive (yes I’m aware she’s a cartoon!!) that it just makes me want to stare. And honestly it’s not how she’s drawn It’s the confidence she exudes. Which she does. She’s a bossy boots, and she knows how she wants things. I would like to have  dose of that, please!!! Confidence is key! And there is nothing (i can vouch here, because I used to be like this) more sexy than a confident person. Someone who is comfy in their own skin, and loves themselves… that is what people are drawn to, genuinely. Sure you can con and trick people into liking you, or liking what you tell them about you, or the facade you put up– but genuine attraction (physical, emotional, etc) is all about Confidence.

I’m going to get me some of that.

Confidence that is.

Derringer Meryl [BAM!] Out

I don’t enjoy being depressed. If I miss a day of my medication, i feel very off kilter, and like I have lost my grip on reality. I imagine, at least a little bit that this is how people in the movie inception feel. I suppose though, that Inception in its self is a completely other blog post.

Sorry if this all sounds kind of melancholy. As I mentioned I missed ONE dose of my meds this weekend, and I am fighting the sensation of being shoved under water. It’s quite un-fun actually.  I had a good weekend, spent some time with Carebear and her Mom and Katie had tons of fun with her little girl. They (all three, Audrey included) have a great time together. It was much better than being at home. I find when I am unoccupied the bad negative thoughts have a chance to sneak in and plant themselves in my brain. it’s Been hard to keep occupied, but luckily I have been watching a lot of netflix, which has Xena on it. Which I have to say is MUCH more campy than I remember it. haha. Now. If I could find the way to connect Xena and Buffy (or more directly Joss Whedon) My cult fan girly ness would be satiated. I like things to be related, and link together neatly. IE:  I like Buffy, who was created by Joss Whedon, who also created firefly and Dr. Horrible. Dr. Horrible starred Felicia Day and NPH. Felicia day is in the Guild (and writes it too) and NPH is in HIMYM, that Allyson Hannigan is also in, she was in Buffy. Joss Whedon also has worked on Glee, (along with NPH) The office, Oh and he’s worked with Nathan Fillion (dreamy) who is on Castle.  Felicia Day has been on House (another fav) and on Lie to Me (classic!) Spreading the joy of things that link together further. *sigh* Oh and Let’s not even get into Wil Wheaton. His joy makes me all gooey. Not literally. That would be bad.

I am pretty burned out on Twilight. If I had the time/energy to find a nice new background, you bet your bippy I’d be changing it. But I can’t think of anything. I would like something classic and dark. Simply because if it’s dark I don’t have to change too much on the layout. Also I find dark colors to be more sleek and clean looking. Simplistic.

I wish i could still write. i wish the poetry and pain could just flow out of me.  Like lancing a cyst. Just watch it all drain away.  I wish the things I said weren’t trite and stupid. I wish people believed me.  Since no one does, I don’t even believe myself anymore. Do you know what kind of insanity that causes? To think your ownself a liar? Your own psyche divided against its self.  It’s painful. Eventually you just become numb. Why should it be any different? There is no more honesty. No definition of what is real and what isn’t.  It’s all just a game. living inside your head. No real enemy, no real friend. Just shadow puppets, long and lean against the wall. No one to trust or believe.  Everything is wrong, everything is right. Every step is on granite and quick sand.  No way of knowing at what point you’ll sink.  Every person you see a traitor and ally. Deep abiding paranoia and trust residing side by side in your heart. You know that every person loves you, and is going to betray you.

Maybe I have the best grip on reality of all.

Derringer Meryl [being insane is clarity] Out

I do. I’m sure that Carebear will heartily agree, our husbands have been bickering over which is better android or iPhone. and Honestly I can tell you I don’t give a flying rats. Carebear and I usually sit across from each other and say “Blah blah blah” while they talk. Seriously, we say blah blah blah.
We dont’ mind (or at least I don’t) mind technical talk…. most of the time. I mind technical arguments. those are annoying.  I’m just saying that when two geeks (any two geeks) sit down and argue if Picard or Kirk is better or WHATEVER, i’m sick of it. I dont’ want to hear your argument. I don’t want to hear why something else sucks. I just want  to enjoy something that’s good. Why can’t we just be happy and enjoy life and the good things in it?

I’m sick of people who tell me that being a mom is stressful and I should just get used to not being able to relax.

Excuse my french, but that’s Bullshit.

It’s all about taking time for yourself, and having people care about you enough to allow you to take time for yourself. I admit it’s not something that I’m good at, and it’s not something  I’ve taken the time to do. But it’s important!! Otherwise you’ll end up and burned out like me!

Derringer Meryl [dont tell me] out

You know, the bloggers who have actual followers and they get free crap in the mail! THAT KIND!! The Julie/Julia Kind, A Ree Drummond or Crissy from Toy With Me (Mom don’t read that blog. Seriously. Don’t.)

I should get my stuff together and really write something. Sit down, organize and write. I want to be a real writer. I want to be able to have people read my stuff and love it. I’ve got so much to say– now to get a theme, and write it!

Don’t have enough debt to write about getting out of it, don’t have enough talent to cook (I’m lame like that) I only know a little about gardening, and it’s awfully late in the season for it. I could do a geek quilting blog. Or just a quilting blog. I really need to get motivated on my quilting project.

Who knows. Maybe I could write about being a depressed mom who works at a job that makes her insane? (hoohoo?) or maybe I should just stick to fiction

Derringer Meryl [I wish i could find a spot just for me]