Undone

Sometimes, when I meet or see people (or just plain know people) who are newly engaged, or who are just fresh in love… I envy them.

In marriage it’s easier to remember the fact that someone forgot to take out the trash or that you’ve cooked dinner every night for a month, and that you need a night away from the screaming kids, and you’d love if your spouse would look at you like they used to when it seemed like you were the whole world. It’s easy to forget the good things and hard to forget the bad. In my almost five years of marriage I have learned things that are essential to being happy.  #1) Be honest. All the time. Being honest and being hurtful aren’t the same. I think that’s an important difference most people don’t get. Often you hear someone say something rude and they say “I’m just being honest.” when in all reality they are being malicious. I am horrible at keeping secrets from Scott.  And I like it that way. I like being bothered when I try and keep things from him. I love to talk to him so much that not telling him something is annoying, and I’d rather not.  #2) Communication. You hear Oprah and Dr. Phil and everyone who has ever dispensed advise blather on about how important communication is in a marriage, so people talk and talk to each other and don’t understand why they don’t feel better.  Communication is just as much about talking as it is about listening. Listening to both the words and the tone will help anyone understand their spouse better. #3) Put all of yourself into making the other person happy. This is possibly the best advice I ever got before getting married. I may have never mentioned it before… If you spend all your time thinking and working to make your spouse happy– and they spend all their time to make you happy… It is most assured that you will be happy. It only works if both people are doing it though. #4) Don’t keep track. Don’t think about how you took out the trash, and did the dishes, and changed the diaper, and etc etc. Don’t keep track of what you did, and they didn’t. It’s a start of a fight (in your head) and you’re spending all that time noticing what you’re doing and probably being angry about it– that you don’t even notice what they’re doing.  Don’t keep track. Don’t remember that they asked your oldest to come and get you so they could get into the car and go home. #5) remember. Remember what it was like to be freshly in love. remember what it was like when you couldn’t be away from each other…. as important as it is to forget somethings, it is doubly important to remember your love for each other.

I don’t think my marriage is perfect. Far from it. But it’s good. It’s solid. And I love my husband.

Derringer Meryl [Marriage] Out

You know those moments in romantic movies where you swoon just a little and think “why doesn’t that ever happen to me?” it’s because it just … doesn’t happen like that.

For example….

It’s prom (or equally fancy schmancy dance), and the “destined” couple are dancing, and it’s beautiful. Her dress is beautiful, the music is beautiful…. everything is perfect. He starts to sing, as they slowly make their way around the floor, she blushes, embarassed.

See the stone set in your eyes
See the thorn twist in your side
I wait for you

She looks over the city scape out the large window. A glitter and glow. Sparkling like a million diamonds the sun set casting it’s last rays of glow over the dim mountains on the horizon.

My hands are tied
My body bruised, shes got me with
Nothing to win and
Nothing left to lose

The girl appears to be thinking about the moments to follow — the things she shouldn’t say that are welling within her. The perfectly scripted words trill from her lips in her sweet and endearing voice. Meek and lovable. She peers up through her lashes to her date.

And you give yourself away
And you give yourself away
And you give
And you give
And you give yourself away

“thank you.” she says tears welling in her eyes. The perfect end to the perfect date.  she stands on her tip toes just a little to give him a kiss, building into a deeper more passionate one.

I cant live
With or without you

The song ends beautifully, the room drains slowly, as people know the night has ended. Our couple delays, waiting, trying  to extend the evening. They stand by the large windows, spanning the ceiling to the floor. Holding each other closely, the evening ends, the sun has set, the room is empty but themselves and a few stragglers.

“I’ll Never Forget you.” he whispers huskily.  Tears run down her face freely. Her dress is beautiful, the night is perfect.

and the day is done.

——————

I find it amazing that as a culture we are so obsessed with happy endings. I know that overall we wish things would work out better. we aim for it. But happiness comes with a price. The price of being happy is sadness. You wouldn’t know how great it is to be where you are, unless you’d been somewhere else that was worse.

it’s hard to imagine needing sadness. To need the downs. No one likes the sad endings when the come, but– it’s all part of a cycle. You get out of life what you put into it– but if that was to stand to reason– that nothing bad would ever happen to someone who only does good things. Right? The never ending quandry of “Why do bad things happen to good people?”

We aren’t good people. We aren’t bad people. We are people. our actions and behaviours– will be judged by a higher being at another time.  I contend, by my prior statement– bad things happen to people.  Doesn’t that make more sense? I’m sure that wouldn’t sate or comfort someone in their time of need– I would in fact further contend that things are not bad or good (death, money troubles, marriage, divorce, childbirth, etc)  that these are just things. Events I would say.  So Things happen to people.  There’s  your answer. Why do bad things happen to good people. Because THINGS happen to PEOPLE. Sometimes they are good or bad, and honestly, things cannot discriminate amid good and bad people. Things just happen the way they do.

Sometimes… things happen to people. And you can fight it, and you can hide in your basement and become a hermit– but things happen.

People will get mad, sad, angry, happy, glad, joyus, determined, and a world of other emotions. Time marches on. Time heals most wounds, and some it doesn’t. And people will, most usually if they are determined to, get over it.  Time will erode memories, bodies, passion, all things physical. It will wash you clean.

Derringer Meryl [Feeling a bit… out there today] Out

I think about wrting into postsecret

I never do. I wonder on occasion if each person I interact with each day is carrying a secret not unlike myself.

I know for a fact that many people have secrets that are deep and dark that make their smiles during the day hollow and fake. That the secret they keep makes them wake up each day and have to reconcile who they are and their place in this world.

Some people’s secrets make them feel like they have a badge of honor, invisible as it is. When really they just can’t see that everyone else is wearing one too.

Some people are those who are the creator of the secret– some people are the secret keeper, or even a victim of the secret.  Some people read too much into their secret, sometimes people take their secret too lightly.  Some people feel bound by their secret, and some people are so freed and satisfied by their secret, that telling anyone– is insanity. Selfish.

I think the main reason I will never write into post secret is that I cannot bear for anyone to know. Even annonymously, I fear telling might shake the universe in such a way that God might turn his head away in shame.

So i”m being dramatic. I’m trying to flex my literary muscles.  I haven’t written seriously, since before I met Scott. I find little or no motivation.  I wish I could find it again. I feel like I’m searching in a pitch black cave for a diamond. While my writing is no where near as valuable to the world, it is even more so valuable than  that to me.  Some days I feel so inspired I Might burst from holding it in. But there is this dam holding all of my creativity back. At it’s root I would call it fear. I wouldn’t call myself in High School any where near fearless, but my writing was. I wrote my passion, I was inspired and introspective. Now any spare time is not spent self reflecting, but cleaning, cooking, and care-taking. Life marches on. I don’t regret a minute of it, but i miss it.

On my way back to work this afternoon I saw a cyclist not obeying stop signs. I have to say I… people like that don’t necissarily DESERVE to be hit by a car (by no means)  But if you’re going to break the rules don’t bitch when it happens!

I’m waiting for a ebay bid to end. C’mon 8PM!  I’m really excited.

off to finish work!

Derringer Meryl [thursday is one of the best days] Out

I’m fairly sure cheetos are the devil. I love them though. That’s sick right? Anyway.  I’m going to try hard to keep my weight for this pregnancy down. Here’s hoping! I know it’s going to be tough this Holiday Season– so I hope no one tempts me too badly.

Last night Scott and I watched about the election for a while. I have to admit– I am not really awe inspired. I would have been downright horrified if McCain had won, but I’m mostly just.. Yeah, we did the right thing. I’m not all shocked that a man of African decent was voted in either. I’m glad our country is outgrowing it’s prejudices.

Scott and I were talking last night, we both agree that marriage is a religious activity– and shouldn’t be governed by the state. I’m saddened by the events in California. We also feel the same way about abortion– it’s a personal decision. I have always believed very deeply in agency of each person and while there are some things that are fundamentally wrong (stealing, murdering, rape, etc etc) some things fall into a grey area where the state, or the people within it are not able, and should NOT be able to make those choices for a person.

I usually perfer not to speak on such things as I usually have a nice way of sticking my foot in my mouth– So I’ll end it there.

Katie was HORRIFICALLY grumpy last night. Like REALLY bad. I got home from work and she was napping, so I decided to clean as much as I could before she woke up. I got the kitchen done and started on dinner when she woke up and began to scream. The screaming did not stop until I had her in my arms. She seems to be in some sort of chronic pain. I don’t know what to do for her. she has no fever, no signs of illness other than screaming and screaming.  Last night’s culprit seemed to be some gas stuck in her intestines, and if it felt like my stomach does when I have that problem, it’s like I have eaten glass and knives. I got her some apple juice (Scott made it for her, bless his heart) and tried to finish up dinner. Which was an interesting event as she wanted to be pinned between me and the counter for whatever reason. I did my best to ignore her,  while getting dinner ready. We had Shephard’s Pie, which was yummy, but needed a tad more salt. That was fine, Scott and i added it after it was done cooking. YUM! I’m not a genius at cooking, but at least the things I can make always turn out really well…. MINUS THE FREAKING CINNAMON ROLLS!! Which I might attempt again this weekend…

We settled down to catch up on some of my shows from earlier in the week and late last week after Scott had nodded off and I grew tired of watching the guys talking about the election repeat themselves a lot. Katie has discovered the volume knob on the stereo, whcih makes watching TV aggrivating. It seems like there isn’t much we can do that ISN’T aggrivating any more.

I’m really excited, I hope my friend Amy can do our family Pics ASAP (I need to get a date arranged, maybe the saturday after thanksgiving?)

I better go and be productive … 😉

Derringer meryl [love love love] out

Quick!!

Don’t read anything into this. I was just bored (as usual) the other day, and was surfing the net, looking for odd Hello Kitty Items (you hear a lot about them, but i’m starting to think they’re just urban legends) ya know like Hello Kitty Douches and the like.

Anyway. I was searching for Hello Kitty things, and I found this and honestly, I began to think (Not about having kids now, just in the when it happens)

My kids will be tortured.

I’m sure I’ll have a little boy first. I just have this feeling about it. I have a feeling we’ll (Scott and I) be cursed like my mom was, and have mostly boys. (Can hear the cries of anger) Not that she doesn’t love you, and not that I won’t love my prospective children, but Scott and I both really want girls. (Huzzah!!) Because over all little girls tend to be more obedient than little Boys….. and we like that idea. Anyway. I’ll torture the boys by submitting them to my hello kitty love. I’m serious. I’m freaking ninteen years old and married, and the quickest way to make me happy is say “I got you something Hello Kitty!” Because honestly, It makes people smile. Anyway. I found Hello Kitty sheets too, for a crib.

Yes, they will be tormented….. bwahahaha!

Oooh, and Scott and i could have Hello Kitty Sheets too! Niiiiice.

Just kidding. heh.

I have a theory. I think it’s pretty true…. Women who don’t work, have kids because they’re bored, and need something to do. (Taking care of a kid is a full time job!!!) Whereas working women have something to do (a job outside of the home) and aren’t as bored, and thus don’t feel the need for children as much.

Maybe this is a good time to mention I’m looking for a second job!!! I want to keep the one i have at Gamestop, the guys here are great, and I love working there. I have this phobia (I don’t know how The Specialist and Wudan overcame it) of working a real job. Ya know, nine to fivers that are tough and require you to be smart and stuff. I can seriously BS my way through the day at my work– because it’s only a few hours. You all know i think The Specialist is the (second now) most brilliant person in the world. (Scott being the first) I don’t know how they get real jobs (I have no skills. I have them, but they are not so polished… I just don’t feel like i’m worth more than the other people who may be applying.)

I don’t know how to explain it. I want another high school job, so Scott and I can afford things (Like an apartment, and food. We can have one, just not both at this point.) I need a job. I need to grow up… and i feel like a dork for wanting two jobs that are unimpressive, instead of one good one.

Derringer Meryl [Geekazoid] Out