Undone

So I’ve been working nights, and working nights usually leads to me getting on a path of staying up too dang late … and it’s a horrible cycle of horribleness.

I ususally feel more depressed for less sleep. I often feel like my simple diagnosis of “Depression” and “Social Anxiety” isn’t enough. (Well for good measure and accuracy I guess we could toss ADD in there too. Someone this week asked me if I was dyslexic… I felt like asking him if he was always stupid. That would have been rude of me, wouldn’t it have?) ANYWAY.  This kind of goes hand in hadn with my diet issues. My considerable diet issues. I learned of a new mental disease (i collect mental diseases like an old woman collects doilies and cats.) called impulse control disorder.

Now I’ve been to therapy a time or two in my days, and it seems to me a lot of the time doctors don’t like to put names to things you have. Because once I started reading about it, I realized, my last therapist (the gem that told me that I needed to quit my job or I was for sure going to get divorced, HAH. Jerkwad. I don’t have to do anything you say I am going to do. SO THERE.) had basically told me the “steps” of this disorder as a discription of something I had. I have. Because the thing is… it doesn’t matter what I’m doing this is how it goes:

an impulse> growing tension> pleasure from acting> relief from the urge > guilt

That’s how it goes in the grocery store, or on the way to work … usually with food now days. There were dark days where it was alcohol. I’ve never drank, I’m glad for it. Because this is what my life would turn into “I want a drink. I shouldn’t drink. Why not drinking makes you feel good, and you relax and you let go. Ok let’s get a drink. YAY THIS BEING DRUNK IS FANTASTIC! Oh see wasn’t that great… No it wasn’t. I should never do that again.” and then REPEAT. Instead, I usually insert sweets. Candy,  cake, sugar, soda, etc. If it will make you sick from eating it, I’ve eaten too much of it and vomited. JUST SO YOU KNOW. So it goes like this “I should buy some candy (or eat candy if I already have it.) No, that’s not a great idea, because I’m trying to diet. But, I was really good today, I did all that work, and I deserve the weekend off, and (JUSTIFICATION JUSTIFICATION, RATIONALIZATION) Ok, i’m going to eat this candy (sugar whatever junk) THIS IS SO DAMN TASTY. I will never regret this (then it cycles a bit until I’m nauseated. SERIOUSLY.) then the guilt of why do I do this to myself. I’m trying to lose weight.”

This is why, i don’t drink. THIS ^^^^^^ I’ve always (on some level) known this about myself. I knew if I took a drink I’d never stop. I wish I could go back in time and never have candy (among other things I wish I could go back and never do) but I can’t. I can’t undo what’s been done. I can only make a choice. That after I get the impulse, that I don’t give in. Because I don’t want to be the person who has to be lifted from their house with a crane when they die. You know?

I was, as a teen, fairly tightly wound. You know. BORING. I never partied, and as I’ve mentioned like a million times, I have never drank. Never did drugs, a little straight edge whatever. (think of it as you will!) I didn’t date, I hadn’t kissed anyone (until I met my hubby) I was a plain jane vanilla girl.

I’ve always hated myself for it. For a lot of things. Scott and I were cleaning up and I found a journal of mine from 2010 when I was in therapy. I wrote down all the things I hated about myself. I wrote PAGES and pages. I wish I could say I’m free of it now. I’m not. I still really REALLY struggle with my depression! I’m trying though. I am in love with Scott, who constantly reminds me that I’m an awesome mom, and that he loves me. He encourages me in my dreams, and wants me to be an awesome writer. I told him the other day that I wanted to take a whole day off from everything (no chores, no kids, not even him) and he didn’t blink an eye and just said ok. I don’t know if he was hurt by that, but I’ve become increasingly more attuned to my social anxiety. I act Like Suzy Social skirt, but it’s a waring facade to project. I can’t be that girl who chats to everyone and remembers everyone’s names. I am NOT the girl who is engaging all the time. I am occasionally charming and funny. I’m glad I didn’t decide to be an actor, I’d probably have died by now.

AND. Like an alcoholic who drinks too much when they’re stressed, I eat too much. I do. I have made my self sick tonight on Pizza and gummy butterflies. I have made myself nauseated at least once every week this past month. And while my former therapist wasn’t right that I would get divorced or I would need to quit my job… the reality is, I need to quit my job or I’ll eat myself to death. (Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, But someday, I’ll get sick from it, and die.)

GOD THAT’S BLEAK.

So I say NO. I’m not going to let stress eat me into a diabetic coma. I’m going to put myself higher on my priorty list. I will do something for myself besides eat. Food isn’t my enemy (I need it duh) but I don’t need to eat Fudge striped cookies and gummy butterflies. I can make healthier choices and NOT feel sick every weekend and I can choose to not die from poor choices. I want to be better. I can be if I try harder. I will say NO more. I will NOT force myself to be suzy social skirt, and I will still be great at what I do without OVER doing it.

Derringer Meryl [331] out

Have you ever thought that? I have people in my life that I feel are almost giving me flat tires…. If you don’t know what a flat tire is, it’s when someone walks so closely behind you that they accidentally pull your shoe off from stepping on it. usually happens a lot with flip flops.

I just.. I know I can do things well if I can just have a little space. JUST GIVE ME A LITTLE SPACE!

Anyway. I have finally started tying my robot quilt. I hear the cries of “TYING! WTH!” but at the same time, I just want it done. so… Yeah. I used high Loft batting. I love love love fluffy quilts. Got it on sale, so bonus. Then I just have Kate’s quilt, and then I have one other on a super back burner. It’s a non issue.

Then, I hope to have an Accuquilt GO to do some Dye cutting with (oh  baby!) and then do my Portal quilt. That I dream about nightly. Ok not really. But I do think about it a lot.

I am working on my book. I think about it. and pet the ideas I have in my head. I am writing some Physically in journals I have. Scott was super DUPER sweet and got me some composition books. They were like $0.40, but what does the price matter when he was being supportive. I really appreciate it. I’m scared to let him read it some day, but… hopefully he’ll like it. And hopefully some day I’ll publish it. And make money with it. It’s a dream. and a bit far fetched. But… Hope springs eternal.

Happy day.

Work is worky. I am trying. Did I mention a promotion? If not, I have now. It’s good.  We have been ill. It is not good. I feel like with the season change, or maybe it’s this time of year. I am feeling kind of bummed. Just… Down a little? Having problems with my sleep cycle. We’ll see how it works out. It’s funny, how stressed a person can be, doing nothing, and do a lot of something, and still be very stressed out.

Derringer Meryl [something something] Out

So last week we got some funding that came through to fix up a few things on the house. Namely: The roof, the furnace and the A/C. We are ripping off our cooler (haha stupid cooler) replacing the roof, installing central air and fixing a problem with our furnace (namely the blower) In order to do that, we’ve been taking bids from everyone on the face of the planet. Oddly, I’ve only had one company not reply, I am sure it’s due to not servicing our area, but it’d be nice if they had A) listed that on their website, or B) replied saying “sorry we don’t service your area.” Now they just look like douchebags. Geezy.

In any case, in addition the above house fixin’s we have had to fix our cars. My car is broken… (WAS broken) and leaking coolant. Scott and I learned this the hard way with my Civic, that leaking coolant is BAD. Really in that case it was more of a coolant explosion, but WHATEVER. We are very sensitive to these matters. We repaired a couple of hoses on it and it seems to be a happier camper. I hope it stays that way. Scott’s car is leaking oil like a siv and they weren’t’ sure where from. that’s Saturday’s adventure. we also are planning to shuck the roof free of shingles. Not sure when. But we need to wait until after it rains, get a good time period of sun, schedule the roofers to come in after we’re done, and find people with pick up trucks. We aim to save a butt load of cash feeding some of our friends/family to do this work instead of paying some very nice gentlemen to do it for us.  BTW, if you’re reading this, and are a dear sweet person who wants to help, let us know. You may freely cuss and swear at our roof, also food and drinks and Nice cooshy couches are available. As well as two emergency rooms within 10 minutes of our house incase you harm yourself. I recommend wearing good shoes (boots!) and long pants.

Please please please come help us. Did I mention please? I’m not sure when we’re doing it. Need to talk to the roofers and coordinate there.

Anyway. I am exhausted. I hurt for whatever reason. So I am going to DOSE UP some Ibuprofen and lay down for a while. *sigh*

Derringer Meryl [Roof. you shall be the death of me] Out

DQ is dating someone.

I”m having a hard time dealing with it.  Which sounds stupid. I feel like the universe is throwing everything at me at once this month, and it’s only the 12th. Seriously. It feels like i’m juggling so much and now it feels like an appendage has been cut off. I realize that eventually DQ had to get involved with someone, and I want her to be happy, I am just having a really emotional time right now. She stayed out late friday, for which she has apologized,  but I stayed up late, adding tired to sick to emotionally wrung out. I am pretty strung out and upset lately.  So if I have been snippy with you,  I am sorry.

Exhausted. This week, I would love to take time off. I would love to sit down and eat a load of junk food. Yum.

ETA: I love DQ. She is my bestest Bestie. it’s like a part of me is missing when she’s not around. I think when she does eventually move out/get married, I will be lost and extremely depressed. I don’t think there are adequate words to describe how sad I have been not having her around. I am immensely happy that she’s happy though, and have a hard time showing it because I’m too busy worrying about her. I totally guilted her tonight into Watching glee with me, but she should try to balance her time… right? Ok, Maybe I’m just a jerk, but I want someone to watch it with. My evenings are lonely. Why could I share her with friends but can’t share her with a boyfriend? What Is my major malfunction?

you’re my wingman goose!

Derringer Meryl [Junk] Out

So I am a busy bee these next few days, weeks and, dare I say it, months?

wanna hear? Course ya do, why else would you be here other than to hear my meandering thoughts?

So this weekend we have conference and a family get together. then next weekend is a friend’s birthday, and the weekend after that is Sukie’s Baby Shower… *sigh* After that is Mom and Dad’s birthday, Lorna’s Graduation, and Jam Jam’s Eagle Court of Honor. Whew. (There is a lot that weekend) Then we have mothers day and Katie’s birthday,  then things should mellow out long enough for me to plan Scott and I’s Anniversary, and then Scott’s Birthday and Audrey’s First Birthday… Not to mention that SOMEWHERE in there, Sukie will be having Pepper too! CRAZY.

In addition to that, I’m Doing a 30 day challenge with Scott to wear make up and do my hair. I am currently on day 4 :-p And my biggest loser competition that is going until July 1. Whew.  So I am a bit insane. I feel like I have bitten off a bit more than I can chew sometimes, but that’s how it is, right?

Did I mention we got a kitten?
Did I mention I’m out of my mind?

derringer meryl [crazy] out