Undone

Where can I complain.

I have food issues. I’m fairly sure I’ve talked about some of my food quirks before. Like disliking to eat in front of people I don’t know well. That’s a big one, It’s a dumb one, let’s be honest.

That one is kind of shallow, don’t you think? I’m talking about a BIG issue. Emotional eating. I do this. I eat when I’m bored, I eat when I’m happy, I eat when I’m sad. Pretty much the equation goes like this:

Feeling something=eat something. What I eat is almost always fattening (on occasion I will feel fat and will eat veggies or a salad, but I think both you and I know salads are rarely THAT healthy, especially when purchased at a restaurant) additionally I used to feel VERY guilty about the things I ate, and that would cause me to eat more. See how that doesn’t work? The additional problem that I have is when I take a bad behavior away (like drinking diet coke, or eating nasty greasy burgers) which are small bad behaviors, the energy for those bad behaviors says “oh, well since I’m not doing that anymore… I should put this into a worse behavior” If you’ve seen the hogfather it’s a bit like that. What happens is everyone stops believing in the Hogfather (who is essentially Santa Claus) and that excess of belief (that has now been freed up) goes to new Gods and creatures like the OhGod of Hangovers.

I’m getting off topic. I’m just saying that when I try to be good at food, I’m much worse at other things. I have a finite amount of goodness, and really being thin isn’t that important. Which is complete BS. Because it is important. Lots of things are important. it’s important that I work to get healthy now, or I’m going to have the health of an 80 year old when I’m 40, and I’ll keel over. Which is part 2. I hate making time for myself. I have a lot of mommy guilt. Scott and I’s lives are … strange and hectic, and dumb. I should run when I get home, or walk, or something. Instead I plunge into the 2 million other things that are “important” like homework, writing, dinner, laundry, and some semblance of cleaning or “me” time.  I should find more time for myself. I need to. Or I will have crappy bones when I’m 40 and I’ll be sick every day, and Have to take a million pills which will cost a million dollars and honestly we have enough health issues in our family without me adding to it. I don’t want diabetes, especially not type two. Scott wouldn’t let me live it down.

I need to spend a bit of time writing and running, somehow at the same time. So maybe I’ll allot myself 1 hr at night to run and think about ONE specific character, their background, how they look, what their role is in the story, etc etc. I need to work it out.

I need to work out

Not a new years resolution. Just a statement. As of tomorrow, I’ll be back on Naniwrimo (January edition) I’ll be obnoxious I”m sure. But that’s ok. What else would I be?

Derringer Meryl [all apologies] out

So I just goo-ed on my private forums with my friends that I really … REALLY hate hiking. that really … could be bolded, and underlined. But I’m lazy. See? LAZY.

Anyway. Let’s review the history of Meryl and hiking. I went hiking once with Girl Scouts. I was a girl Scout. I sold cookies. I had a sash. It was adorable. HOWEVER, the hiking. not so much my friend. They said “ooh let’s go hiking” and I thought “ooh fun.” Because I was like 7 or maybe 8 at the time and I was down with the in crowd and enjoyed the thought of doing stuff outside. Why not?? Well, it had just finished raining, and it wasn’t really muddy, but it was slick. We decided to go down a rocky place, thinking “Oh this wouldn’t be so bad” And yes, we had leaders with us, who was thinking “Oh Meryl never gets hurt, let’s do this, what a fabulous idea” PISS! They were morons. Anyway. I have a bit of problems with heights. I always have. Also steep things. Not a fan. Steep equals falling to me. Scott can testify that I have argued with him about walking down STEEP hills. A Hill. As in grassy knoll outside of a local mall. Outright argument and fight about it. This is why…..

Anyway. we’re traversing, and we don’t even get that far from the cabin until I inevitably slip and fall and Cut my butt on the stupid sharp rocks. YES. Maybe this is a keen time to add that NO ONE I was with I was really close with. I had friends from School, but other wise… just me. So I had to have one of the leaders bandage my swiftly bleeding butt. Yep. Loved it.

OH and let’s not forget the time that I went hiking with our ward Youth conference. It was a pioneer Trek. And if you’ve never been forced to go, be happy. I wasn’t Unhappy about going, I was unhappy about the hiking. I am not a fast walker. I enjoy going at my pace, slow and steady. However, the people in my “family” wanted to race with the other hand carts, and they left me behind. (Thanks a lot jerks) Oh and they took my water too. In the middle of summer, in wyoming. Where there weren’t any trees or pleasant breezes. NADA. Just… really really warm. I’ve never been excellent at drinking water, i don’t like drinking it. I don’t know why. Maybe I hate myself a little. Anyway. One of our support trucks picked me up. Which was nice. I got in and the gentleman offered me water. being the staunch polite girl i was, I said no. I finally caught up with my “family” and we got to camp. No one but me (out of the kids) knew how to pump water. So I stood and did that for a good 40 minutes. Then, Sitting around, my brother and a close friend of mine noticed I was feeling ill and dragged me into the shade. Yep. I had good case of heat Stroke. Whoo whoo! I sat around for the evening vomiting what water i took in and being carted to the outhouse by the young men in my ward. EMBARRASSING!

The long and short of it is, I don’t like people saying “You have to do this, really, you should do this! It’ll be so amazing, you should hike!” blah blah blah. I’m fat. I’ve been fat for a long time. I don’t see that just magically changing (and shut your mouth with the “Maybe it would if you hiked!!”) so the idea of “Let’s walk 5 miles up and back to see something that you could probably download from your computer at home” I’m just not down with that. I like strolling. I prefer to do that alone. Hiking alone is a recipe for lost hiker. Basically it’s a moronic thing to do. I get sick in the sun now. Like at the drop of a hat. I prefer to stay inside. Any walking to be done, will be done on a tredmill. Thanks though.

Derringer Meryl [pow pow] Out

I’ll be honest, my pessimism brings me down, a lot. (as we discussed in my last post) but a wonderful lady from my message board suggested a 30 day no negativity challenge. I think this will be great to go hand in hand with my 35 day (ish) losing weight challenge before DQ’s wedding. Gotta do it.

I can’t believe it, i ran a mile last night. I wasn’t winded from it… but my throat felt like it it was going to close up. My Co-worker and I are speculating that it may be because i was breathing in dry air, and then the moist air of my shower relaxed my throat. In any case, I am going to oscillate through a few different exercises. First, running on the tredmil, probably Monday and Tuesdays, easy peasy. Wednesday and Thursday will be wii fit, and Friday will be Julian’s Shred, which kicks my butt, two days of rest and good eating (healthy eating, ;)) and then start all over. I think we all know that two days is a good amount of time to recover from Julian’s Shred. She’ll kick your booty. No time to rest in her work outs. she talks at you while she jumps around. But I’m excited. After 35 days, i may calm my exercise schedule down, but I want to continue. Exercise will naturally keep me feeling happier, thanks to endorphins.

and you know what? if I don’t stay with my rigorous schedule, if I miss a day, or don’t feel like it sometimes, it’s OK. Really. Because I’m not perfect. And while that sounds a bit like a cop out, or an excuse, it’s not. It’s reality. I’m not perfect, and I’ll do my best to stick with it, and drink my water instead of diet coke, I’ll probably make a few mistakes, and that’s OK 🙂 As long as I start over and try again! 🙂

Failure isn’t when you don’t achieve your goals, it’s when you stop trying to.

I can already feel that this 30 day no negativity is going to be awesome. I LOVE MY LIFE!! 🙂 It’s hard, but worth it! 😀

Derringer Meryl [Feeling Very Up] Out

I thought I’d post about me wanting to implement some good changes in my life. Such as stopping drinking diet coke (i’m allowing myself one can a day until my cans are gone, cause I have a lot of them)  and I’m going to make proactive choices of taking the stairs instead of the elevator at work, and such.

Additionally (and the hardest to stick to) I will be waking up early to exercise. I think I will probably switch between walking on the treadmill and using wii fit. Mostly so I don’t get bored.  This means I will probably be getting up at 5-6 am just to exercise. I hope to do it daily, but I might have to simmer it down to three times a week at best. simply because I love me some sleepin’. I don’t love being overweight though.

Derringer Meryl [what what?!] Out