Undone

Why is Mommy So Mad?

I was discussing something along these lines with a friend of mine. I think every woman, and even person, has different opinions on what kind of “parenting” style is best. But the truth is, it’s BEST for them. I like to keep my mind open, I like to hear about what other people do, simply because I DO NOT know what I’m doing. I try to do my best. I try to keep my kids happy and well balanced. Though it’s becoming quickly apparent that they are SPOILED (really bad! I certainly didn’t have this many toys! Clothes, or people catering to me!) but other than that, we try to curb them fairly well. Teach them manners, and not to be jerks, and it’s hard! I think everyone is just trying not to screw their kids up. And quite honestly– I dont’ think there is a way to do that….

The debates don’t end with Child rearing. I suppose you could say they start with pregnancy. How to behave, no pills no help, midwife, OBGYN…. Home births, water births (though not mutually exclusive), c-section, natural, epidural… blah blah blah… What is right and wrong. People talk about C-sections like it’s horrible. Like you’re going to get sliced into like a christmas ham and left to bleed out on the table. Good Lord. I am defensive, I’ll admit, because I have a lot of baggage about my C-section. I can hear my mom saying “but you had to have one” and while that’s technically true in a way, I had a choice. I took the path of less resistance. I will full on admit that I think people spouting the “Your body knows when to push your baby out” bullshit. Excuse my french. Maybe their body is reliable, and can do things like that. Maybe they’re blessed with the patience and ability to sit around and nest instead of being chained to a desk nearly in tears from the pain of being pregnant while trying to help some moron with their customer service needs. Maybe some women enjoy the experience of working up until their water breaks or they bust out in full on contractions, But I was SICK of waiting. I was sick of feeling the hiccups and the kicks while hearing someone whine about their cellphone’s lack of signal when they were talking in the subway. I guess what I’m saying is, Maybe next time I can enjoy being pregnant, and maybe someday I’ll be able to sit around and have warm fuzzy feelings about wanting to wait my baby out, but over all. I was wanting her out (either or) and I wanted them out sooner than later. maybe I’m impatient, but honestly, does that make me a bad mommy? no.

Be happy with your choices. Love yourself and you children, and to hell with anyone who criticizes your parenting choices. ;P

Derringer Meryl [haha] Out

I feel like I have to admit this to myself, instead of saying that it’s not true, and that I’m fine.

I have very very bad social anxiety. I find it hard to leave the house for social outings. I, selfishly, find reasons not to. Obviously it should be noted that it doesn’t really matter who I’m going to go spend time with,  the energy it takes (physically and emotionally) to leave the house and chat with people is immense. I do often have fun after I leave (ie, I have fun at the party/event), but that’s not really the point. It’s the weirdness that is there when I’m home.  I feel depressed and lonely.  I often think about how I can go to a party and feel trapped inside of my head, and unable to really relax and have real fun.

I spend most of the parties I go to with Katie. I often wonder why I even leave home when it’s just the same thing in a different locale, and often more embarassing when she doesn’t behave. I find that I’m lacking interest in a lot of things as well. While I did get up the gumption to pull my sewing machine out and my material for Audrey’s quilt… I feel as though I won’t have time to do it.

I often wonder if It’s selfish to want time away from Katie, since most of my week is spent away from her… I work hard on the weekends to ensure Scott gets sleep and that she and I have fun. My patience for her though is small and I find myself easily frustrated with her inattentiveness. She refuses to hold my hand unless I’m crying. I can’t run after her, so I often try and wrangle DQ or someone into going with me so that when she runs or wants to be held, SOMEONE can run after her. I had a Katie free day yesterday and instead of doing anything with it– I slept. I was going to go to a BBQ at a friend’s house, or even a babyshower for a co-worker, and there was also a graduation party (which we did make it to.) I feel smothered and sad. All I do is work at a job I hate, and come home to a messy house I’m supposed to clean, to cook dinner for my husband (who desperately needs sleep because he generously watches our daughter when he should be asleep)….

and then I go to sleep and do it all again.

Sometimes I want to scream that it’s not fair and someone else should be doing this stuff… but I realize that life isn’t fair, and that she’s my daughter, and he’s my husband. I have things I need to do. Everyone does them. I guess though, most other people dont’ have the horrible anxiety and the crippling depression. I do think I’ll speak to a doctor. I’m hoping that it’s mostly hormones from this pregnancy.

I am fine. I really, oddly, prefer to ignore that I’m sick in real life. I prefer to just let life go on. I’ll keep doing what I’m doing.

That’s that.

Derringer Meryl [beastie AWAKE!] Out

Ok. I get the concept, but at the same time, what kind of crap is that?

So a friend posed the question “My daughter oversleeps a lot, and misses the bus, I’m sick of driving her and I feel like she’s not understanding the consequences of being late to school.”

When I think of teenagers, i shy away from the thought of Katie as a teen, because heaven knows I don’t want to venture into that line of thought until I absolutely have to.  So I think about ME as a teen. I was not always the most well put together. AND, I overslept. A lot. Oh, and? My mom woke me up, all the time. (and while those aren’t treasured memories, at least I don’t think so, for my mom as it was FRUSTRATING to try and wake me up, I enjoyed the time to kind of be a bit of a kid. I’m a fairly responsible person and I don’t think my mom waking me up hurt me in the least.) She drove me to school EVERY DAY (not just days I was late, as there was no bus for my school in my area) and when i was dumb and forgot homework or a book at home, I knew that (despite my stupidity) my mom was there to bail me out. I don’t think it taught me to be lazy. I work fourty hours a week, I have a toddler, and a baby on the way, I have a house, I pay bills. I’m a functioning Human being. WHY? because I knew that my mom wouldn’t always be able to bail me out of stuff, and it was nice while she could, and it was great when she could… but we all grow up and say “I need to pay rent, I need to buy food, and if I’m a lazy slob, and if I’m unreliable, I won’t be able to.” I can’t say my parents ever sat me down and ingrained the virtues of hardwork and what not. I knew if I were responsible, I’d be working to get the things I wanted or needed. Mostly, I learned by watching my parents. My dad went to work every day when I was a kid, and worked graves and weird hours, and my mom worked from time to time too. They didnt’ sit with their hand out asking for someone to give them things– they worked to get what they wanted or needed. My brothers all had jobs. I guess you could say I’m only the person I am because of the examples I had set for me.

Anyway. I don’t think(in all of my wise-ness) that you need to make kids learn how hard life is. It’s plain to see. At least it was for me.  Sometimes life sucks, and sometimes it doesn’t. Kids should have a safe and welcome place to be when it does suck– and wouldn’t it be great if it was home?

Derringer Meryl [softie] Out