Undone

Well, It seems everytime I think “well at least I don’t have to go back to the doctor”it turns out that I do. 😛 I love the doctor. Please note the sarcasm there. I’ll be heading back in December 😛

it’s also been one whole year since I found out that I was pregnant with Audrey. it’s crazy. I think of our life before and it’s hard to think of what it was like before she came. She has slid in so naturally with our pace, that it’s insane. Though it can be hard to make sure she goes everywhere we do in the house since Katie usually makes sure that I chase her upstairs at least once or twice a day. It can be difficult to fix Katie lunch or dinner because Audrey wants me to hold her while i do it. So there is usually someone crying.

Work has been work like. Not terribly fun, but then again that’s why it’s work and not play. I have been doing really well at keeping my stats high and making sure that I keep my job. I’m grateful to have one, but sometimes it’d be nice to work some where else. I think everyone in  the world should at least have like… a month of working somewhere they’d love. I think that’d be fun.

Katie was Cinderella for halloween. She probably wouldn’t have been anything had it not been for my mom who is awesome, and made the prettiest dress for her. My mom collects (I guess you’d say) fabric and had some really pretty blue brocade (I’d call it that, but I might be mistaken, maybe damask?) that she had saved for 10 years and worked out perfect for katie’s dress. She looked beautiful in it and wouldn’t get out of it for Pj’s on Friday (we had a halloween party) BUT we were able to get her out of it on saturday in exchange for some cup of noodles. She’s addicted to those things. I think they’re pretty gross. LOL. she didn’t want to go very far trick or treating, and a lot of our neighbors had their lights off. Next year we might have to skip the party with our friends in favor of the Halloween party at our ward. I saw a kid going tick or treating via car (IE his parents were driving him around) and all I could think was “the point is getting all that exercise so you can eat the buckets and buckets of candy!” but apparently the point was lost. Katie just hit the houses on our street that had their lights on. She kept crying for Daddy who was at home handing out candy, so we finished the street and went home. Hopefully next year we can meet up with her friend and go that way so that she can understand  more what’s going on. She wasn’t really that into it. I was fine just going on our street since I was carrying Audrey (she wanted to be held to sleep) and that was straining to hold a hand, a bucket and a baby, I felt like I was juggling and I was afraid I would drop Audrey, which would have been horrific. We didn’t have too many kids, but we live in an older neighborhood, so it’s not that unusual. (As a note, Audrey was a Penguin in a store bought costume, she stayed SO dang warm in that thing, it was perfect.)

I was thinking about trick or treating as a kid, and I was trying REALLY hard to remember what happened, and it came to me that we did trunk or treat at the church mostly (and inside, as it was often cold! Yay Colorado!) and I remember it being a GREAT time. We had a scary maze, a cake walk, and several other activities. It was fun to spend Halloween with my friends. I don’t think I even ever won anything (except candy) but I had such a good time, being in a costume, playing games and spending time with my friends.

I still had fun when I came here though, it was a new experienced, we walked ALL OVER getting candy. We were not the only ones. I was glad to have a large group to go with. I don’t remember all of my costumes over the year (though I recall some, I know at the very least, I was a medieval woman, a cat and Snow white. Other that, I’m at a loss, sorry mom!) It was great to go trick or treating with a large group, and to go EVERYWHERE up and down a bunch of big streets in my parent’s neighborhood.

I have been listening to a lot of Weezer lately. I find that sometimes that Weezer helps me boost out of a bad mood. i was driving home, and turned up “In the Garage” and sang along at the top of my lungs. In that moment I was 8 years old again. As I drove my family wagon home so I could fix lunch for my girls, I realized that despite the fact that I am still relatively young in years, I have a lot of responsibilities. I have two beautiful girls, who depend on me for many things. I often find myself feeling young and carefree and then it comes to me that I am NOT carefree. Not to be a downer, I love my family, but even if i sit in my car listening to music all day it can’t hold off the truth that i am Old. Not in years, but in obligations. I think about how i love/d playing video games, but I simply don’t have the time or patience for it anymore. It makes me sad as I still want to play, and when I do find time someone inevitably wants a drink or needs fed, or needs a diaper change. Something always seems to need to be done.  I am hoping that later today I will get to play some, Maybe Final Fantasy 12. I haven’t gotten to play in a year and a half.
I was pining the other day at some on Sale Ben and Jerry’s when I whined at Scott about how I really wanted it. He just shrugged. I told him, most of the time when I’m complaining like that I need someone to give me  permission to do something nice for myself.  Scott just sighed, clearly exasperated. I do require people to tell me “Why don’t you take some time for yourself?” I put myself last. Always. I don’t know how to change that. I come after my children, after my husband, after just about anything.

speaking of… Katie needs me. Off to be the most super-est mom I can be. 😉

Derringer Meryl [here there everywhere] Out

Sometimes I romantisize about my teen years. i think most everyone does from time to time. I think though the most that i miss is all the opportunities I had. The freedom… was unbelievable.

However… after reading through all my old entries (or at least a years worth) and my horrible puppy dog-ness over several different grown men… It’s nauseating. I won’t edit really… Because honestly it is what it is. I was very honest and real with the things i wrote. I was uninhibited. I miss that the most. Do you know what I find to be more than slightly hillarious though? I’m reading through where one of my ex’s asked me to move in with him ( and NO, not in a romantic sense) and it still feels weird to think about. Even after all these years, and even after marrying and moving in with Scott– the idea of moving in with someone of the opposite sex– is WEIRD. LOL.

anyway. I better get back to transferring over. One year down, six to go!

I was talking yesterday to both The Specialist and Mom about Siblings.

I have to admit, I’m constantly analyzing other siblings to see if I’m closer to them or not as close… etc. I think I have an okay relationship to the lot of them… Dax and I know each other the best, that’s for sure. But I love them all, and I would like to say first, that I’m not moving back to my Home Valley. I’m not. We’re not. So don’t ask. Don’t suggest. Cause it’s not happening. *sighs* That said.

I wish I was closer with you all. I wish we had all spent more time together when we could have. I guess this feeling is possibly just me, because i have the “i’m the only girl” syndrome where no matter what i’m left out. *sighs*

I wish that I could have gotten to know The Specialist better and Wudan. I wish I could spend time with them and hang out.

I don’tknow. *shrugs* I guess, all in all, what i’m trying to say… Is that i miss you guys. I miss walking through Smiths and The Specialist wrapping his arm around me saying “You know I love you Baby” and me saying “I know, I know” I miss dancing in the kitchen with Wudan. We were gonna take dance lessons. Heh. I miss playing Video games with Dax, and hanging out at the mall. He’s the only person I know who spends about the same time as me looking at stuff. I miss Tango dancing with The Specialist. It was never serious, but it was always funny. I miss playing our own made up role playing games that he Specialist put together. I remember that Wudan killed me when I ran through a school house. I remember Christmas shopping in the Lancer together. I remember eating Ben and Jerry’s with The Specialist the night before he got married to Antigone, while we played video games.

I want to do it all again.

Derringer Meryl [Missing Things] Out

I have been carelessly flipping through the want ads reading each one, checking off the ones I like.

And I’ve been listening to the new Avril CD while I’ve been doing that, and honestly I”ve decided that some regular words are worse than cuss words. Like Shit. That word means nothing to me. It’s poo. whoopdidoo. I don’t care.

The word broken brings me to my knees though. (Isn’t it odd that my page says broken but still good on it?) I hate that word. It makes my stomach churn. Makes me want to die inside.

Reminds me of another time. I think my disconcern now, my distress and deflatedness is me trying to mesh my life with Scott’s as best as I can, and I just get tired of it sometimes, and I just break down sometimes. That other time. I remember rolling over in bed at night and repeating to myself that I was broken and that no one wanted me. That’s why everyone left me eventually. Honestly i realize that everyone has to leave sooner or later, physically. I couldn’t keep the Specialist, and Wudan around forever. I couldnt’ keep things the way they were before. (I realize now that change can be good, because they left I became WAY close with Dax, which I think ROCKS. I always wanted to be really close with at least one of my sibs.) I just …

I told myself that all the time. Scott said something the other day that sent me over the edge of my momentary sanity … I dont’ think I”ll really devulge it, for privacy’s sake, but …. honestly– i wanted to scream. It was so– it reminded of me back then. Rolling around in my bed saying I was broken. Crying myself to bed, because no one wanted me.

Everyone has their little secrets they keep– (No, I don’t light the fires while the city sleeps)

Mine was (still is sometimes) that my brain likes to make me believe that i’m dirt. I think a lot at that point it’s satan. I can’t say for sure, Honestly I don’t think it’s a satanic presence, but — whatever. Chemicals–

Derringer Meryl [Feeling Better] Out

I love reflecting back. I love to see how far I’ve come. I know i’ve already done one of these… but– Red mentioned that we’re different people now than we were a year ago, and i’d like to give her a hardy yes.

Not necessarily on her part, but on mine.

Going away to college makes people grow up and change. You deal with bills and just… a million things. Roommates, and drama. In Red’s case, she’s been to states I’ve never been too. Dealt with a lot more than I have. It’s just that. It’s not that one of us is more mature or experienced than the other, just different types.

(In Response to her though, I knew she was considering Catholicism (sp?) and that she was reading the Bible. I keep tabs, hun.)

As for me– My Red hang out days were possibly my wildest. I mean I wasn’t flashing oncoming cars or whatever… but I was wild, for me anyway. I was zany. I was very much alive. I did some things I regret, but those were of no consequence of Red. *winks* Simply the great manipulator.

I wanted to do something bad. Something wrong. So I did things I’d never done before. They weren’t sinful. They weren’t dirty. But I don’t care to divulge them either.

I was uninhibited. and I loved it. Every moment. Feeling like oxygen was burning my lungs.

Not all of my wild stuff could be linked to Red though. My first ever (and last i’m positive) run in with Pot. (Other kids were smoking some while I was trying to write in my journal as we sluffed class. I swear to God.) I sluffed a ton of classes. I mean a ton.

I had whole days where I attended one class. Seminary. Ironic, isnt’ it?

The teachers didn’t care…. I spent time trying to figure out the male mind by reading Maxim with Red on Monkey’s Couch.

I still dont’ understand those men. My man, isn’t like them. I only know a few of those Men. Very few.

If someone had told me a year ago, as I was graduating that I would be married in the Salt Lake Temple To a wonderful man who loves me beyond all belief…

I would have laughed until my face hurt.

For the millionth time, I’m sure you’re tired of it, but i love Scott. There are no words to describe it. None in my vocabulary anyway. All of them seem so tired and over used. None of them are bright or brilliant enough to describe exactly what I have.

Derringer Meryl [Lucky Me] Out