Undone

as a precursor to this entry, i’d just like to say that as a Female member of my family (one of the two who were there for my childhood, that being my mother and i) I have been taught to use the word cute at all times when ever I feel … happy. Or when something makes me smile. *nods* I’m not like your other girls who say “Man, he’s hot!” Or “Whoa, he’s foxy.” In fact, you only hear these statements from me when … well pretty much when i’m talking to Red about guys, or about movie stars. *nods* With that said, I’d like to continue.

I don’t eve know where to begin. I suppose I should start with the annoyingness of my oldest brother and his ever so clever scheme to change my screen saver from “Burn” to “Meryl has a boyfriend” which really made me want to feel embarrassed, but at the time I was ill enough that I just felt sick, and not much else. And while I suppose having protective older brothers like Dax can be useful in situations of scary creepy people hitting on me at the mall, I’d also like to point out that hanging around for an hour after the movie you wanted to watch was over with me and Scott, was a little… uber protective. But then again, Dax mostly hangs out with me and my mom, so seeing another listening male, sorta makes him want to hang out more. *nods* i can understand that. I think Dax and I have bonded a lot since all the other sibs moved out. Though, when I was little I didn’t think Dax and I would be very close at all when we got older, I’m glad we did. I know that someday when I’m like fourty, and he’s like ancient (just kidding) we’ll still be hanging out, because I think we’re that tight.

I’m digressing

Right. It would have been nice to hang out with Scott Sans brother in the living room, but it was nice all the same. And I’ve learned over time that I’m one of those creepy people watchers, like the people who listen to your conversations in a restaurant, or watch how people treat each other, or just simple behaviorisms…. It’s odd. I actually transcribe some of it too. *nods* Anyway, I think it’s friggin’ cute the way that Scott keeps talking when he’s nervous. I usually have a simular problem, If it’s quiet I force a conversation, no questions asked. *nods* And my cat. *smiles* Okay, my cat has this notorious track record for being this huge jerk to guys who I bring home. (which I do a lot, because I feel the safest in my own home, which is ironic for …. so many reasons I can’t name….) ANyway, I have this severe case of avoiding REAL dates so I can just hang out at home and watch several seasons of Buffy or my entire DVD collection or whatever, just so i can be at home … *nods* I think it’s some sort of security issue again. Still, digressing. Cat. *nods* Right. So my cat bites. He loves to bite guys who i bring home. I think it’s his way of marking the ones he disapproves of. I’ve had guys who are great cat handlers, as they need to be because I’m so terribly fond of cats, and still get bitten. I’ve had guys tell me that my cat is the devil in one of his many forms. That kind of shocks me that i’ve been sleeping with the devil in my room for twelve years and i haven’t noticed anything shifty yet. Anyway, he climbs on laps and claws, and he pushes them out the door. He’s a bugger. Worse than my parents sometimes.

Tonight all he did was remind me of my curfew. It was slightly annoying, yes. Both the curfew and the incessant meowing. I don’t blame Scott for curfew breakage, because …. well i didn’t tell him. So really it’s my fault. But I really didn’t want him to leave. And we watched an episode of Buffy, and mom just slept, which she’s normally very… “It’s Twelve, Meryl, time for everyone to go.” Which was sorta nice that she didn’t… Instead Dax let it go till one, and .. well, still, it was happy.

Can I say that i’ve never smiled more in my life than I have these past few days? I’m nicer to customers, i’m more brilliant in class.

and I’m happy. I’m very very happy. And it’s like there are two million words inside of me which want to be spoken, or written, or anything… and I just don’t. I can’t think of how to piece them together correctly to make sense.

So I’m going to go to sleep now, so maybe I can make sense of class in the morning…. Maybe. 🙂

Derringer Meryl [Grinning] Out

Have you ever hurt someone unintentionally? I’m just curious as to if any of my readers are as stupid as me. I remember talking to the Specialist regarding breaking up with someone. He mentioned that he’s never had to do it. I count him a lucky one. I’m tired of doing it. And for some reason, it’s not like a bone. It’s never a clean break. People fool themselves with the “we can just be friends” sh…. stuff. It’s crap. This guy pointed out to me “It would be awkward and uneasy. I don’t want that with you.” and I guess he’s right. So I told him he didn’t have to talk to me anymore if he didn’t want to. So he stopped. And I guess i got what i asked for…. in a way.

But he still seems like he’s trying. Trying to win me over. I don’t know how to tell him that i’m not okay with being loved right now. Or liked, or being affectionate. I don’t know how to say it. I don’t know how to express the fact that i’m not okay with myself yet. Blah, it’s hard to explain.

and i’m tired. and sick, and stressed so much my brains have leaked out my ears…. and i get bloody noses when i sneeze. I don’t get that

Derringer Meryl [Bloody Meryl] Out

I’ve been thinking alot about the whole marriage thing, about why and when and how and what not.

I’ve basically tossed all of my good chances of getting married out the window, especially getting married any time soon (read, within the next year) but if it’s not there, it’s not there, and despite the craziness, you gotta respect the chemistry.

I was talking to Antigone about unconditional love. She says she’s not sure there’s such a thing. I told her I thought i might have experienced the sensation– she asked if it was obsession (see: Compulsive preoccupation with a fixed idea or an unwanted feeling or emotion, often accompanied by symptoms of anxiety.) and I asked her what was the line between obsession and unconditional love? She wasn’t sure there was one, they may even over lap, except in the case of God. I can see that. still. I have friends of mine who i love (in a friendly manner, as friends do) and you couldn’t sway me from that love. No matter what, it’ll be there. Sure, sometimes i’ll be angry, or something, but i’m always open. I’m always here, to be leaned on, to listen, and to give my love away freely. Maybe i just have a stinking high opinion of myself to say that i can do that, but i think i’m doing it as much as I can. Maybe my condition to love is that i know you. People i don’t know irritate me to no end. I have to admit that. *nods* I guess, i’m sorta not as good as I thought i was… but i’m living it as close as I can to it.

Also, we discussed in class today why people drink. It’s not to get drunk like one might assume, it’s to feel love. It lowers your inhibitions, and i guess then you’re open enough to be loved…. how insane.

i guess that’s no worse than being in love and keeping it to yourself, but at least you have something to numb the pain a little, ya know?

Derringer Meryl [Selfesteem the fourth chakra?] Out

2004-01-18 – 11:24 p.m.

Yessir I mean it. I have 563 points of stress. Three hundred is the bar of “If you’re over this, you’re going to die very quickly, and i pity you.” type of thing.

That’s okay, i’m not scared of dying so much as i am afraid of living. I see death as a means to an end. Everyone pictures heaven as a place that’s all happy and bunnies and what not, but I don’t. That sorta got shattered. It’s still happy, but it’s not free of pain. I guess that’s what comes from being all sorts of Masochistic. Maybe. I don’t know.

I’ve been thinking a lot lately. About Me, about Monkey, and about an unnamed person. I don’t think i’m going to give him a name. I’d like to say he’s of no consequence, but honestly, I’ve learned you don’t know what it’s like until you walk a mile in someone elses shoes. As it goes for Monkey, i’ve walked about two feet, and i want out. All the rolls have flip flopped, and now i’m him, and the unnamed guy is me– and i have to use a line the ever so useful “I just want to be friends” line that I loathe so much. And i understand Monkey’s unease of using it. How much it scared him and how much he hated to use it because it sorta did hurt. I cried. I did. I can admit it now. He meant/means a lot to me. I associated the line with the subtexts of “I never want to see you again you annoying bitca.” I understand now that what i felt wasn’t a romantic type thing, i was (I sorta still am) just addicted to how i felt around him. There was no pressure. None. Not to be a good girl,or a bad girl, or to kiss him or to get the best grades, or to do all my homework before i went out. Monkey time was a stress free zone, and i craved that. I still do. I just deny myself the pleasure. (I honestly don’t deserve the freedom) I’m trying to be careful with how i say things…. about him, because it’s hard to be candidly honest and have what you’re saying come out in the way you mean it to.

It was like being everyone and no one at the same time. and i have to admit i’ve never felt so beautiful or ugly as i did at those times. Everything seemed so confusingly clear. But Monkey didn’t feel… he didn’t get the rush I did when I was with him. I honestly can’t speak for him, so I won’t, but in any case, he just wanted to be friends.

For a while i wasn’t okay with that. I was stupid and i was childish. (I still am occasionally) I pushed a lot of blame on him, and he took it, and now i hate myself for that. Because he’s the last person on the earth who deserves it. he’s not perfect, he’s not innocent, But dammit, he’s the nicest person i’ve ever had the pleasure of spending time with. I couldn’t be more sorry for the things i’ve done if i tried. Most times i feel like a schmuck. I did stupid things. I still do them. a lot of the time.

and then after a period of healing — it wasn’t long enough apparently — i started to date again. I guess you could call it dating. I’m not sure. I’m not sure of a lot of things….. I found a great guy. The unnamed guy. He was sweet and affectionate. Kind, generous, loving. Everything I wanted,but never got. I guess there’s a gap between what i want and what I need…. I need another no-stress zone like Monkey gave me. I want the affection, but to live– i need no-pressure.

He’s everything you want

He’s everything you need

He’s everything inside of you

That you wish you could be

He says all the right things

At exactly the right time

But he means nothing to you

And you don’t know why

You’re waiting for someone

To put you together

You’re waiting for someone to push you away

There’s always another wound to discover

There’s always something more you wish he’d say

But you’ll just sit tight

And watch it unwind

It’s only what you’re asking for

And you’ll be just fine

With all of your time

It’s only what you’re waiting for

Isn’t insane. The perfect guy comes walking along, and there’s always something in the way. and it’s me. Doesn’t it figure? Makes sense to me. That it’d be my fault. I’d give you the run down of how low and dirty and wrong i am, but i’m tired. I’m twitching very early tonight, I think it’s from the stress– and i just want to collapse.

Derringer Meryl [two boyfriends in the last 12 months] Out

One week until my happy winter break freedom is ripped ever so cruelly from my hands.

Can you tell that i dont’ like school? I mean, i like SOME of it, and the classes i’m taking i really hope i’m going to like… i’m a little scared of one of them, my serious career class (on the third floor of the building i’m going to) mainly because i don’t know what to expect. It’s just… going to be interesting. I hope i don’t make some kind of fool of myself. I can see that seriously happening. But ya know… 🙂 Things happen.

I finally finished Silent Hill 3 which i have to say was possibly the most horrifying experience of my entire life. Most of the noises in it, are shocking, freakish, and don’t go away like you’d hope they would. The walls bleed in a frightening manner, and while you’d hope this is all an acid trip the characters in the game (the villians at least) proclaim the world of death and horrifying blood and gore to be one that “god” has created. I use god in the most loose of terms, not meaning the God that I worship, but the unnamed destruction loving raised and bred from hatred type of god that they mention in the game. Blah. Enough about the religion of the game, because it’s not really BASED on any REAL religion that i know of, or that is socially accepted in this world…. but the scariness level, is extremely high. Very little time is spent on the streets of Silent hill, which is nice because it’s hard navigating through the very thick fog of what is presumed to be white claudia… One thing that is heavily woven into the morbid tapestry of Silent Hill is the Hospitals. Especially Hospital Cruelty. and that coincides with the fact that anyone can be bought or lied to. Hence the fact that the girl named “Alessa” was kept alive though she was a heavily burned corpse for seven years… Blah. The storyline is complicated, and intricate. I do believe that’s why i enjoy it so thoroughly. I enjoy a good storyline. I love to be enthralled by a webbed story. Yes. A good story is what (to me usually) makes a good video game. Silent Hill (Either three or the rest of the series) is one of the best.

You know that phrase Speak of the Devil and he shall appear? Well, it’s not necessarily nice to say it to one of your friends. Cause i mean, being call the devil, otherwise known as the father of all lies, isn’t always… uh– flattering. But see, I have this mouth. It says things, and i don’t mean them…. Mou. I’m bad. I’m bad at keeping things inside that should be kept inside.

and the words I’m Sorry are beginning to be trite, and overused, when it comes to me and my friend. And that makes me sad.

But I can say, the feelings are gone. I’ve moved on. And I have someone who makes me happy. and then …

i’m going to look stunning. Not cute. Not pretty. I’m going to look gorgeous, fabulous and breath-taking.

And Taken

Derringer Meryl [Waxing Poetic] Out