Undone

in a moment of brief insanity, i’ve decided to update. I have a date next monday. I have my nephews (all three of the out of staters) coming to stay at our house. I have school work blowing out my ears. I’m fairly relaxed, I’m managing fairly well. I just don’t sleep at all. that’s not bad though. I’m alright with that.

Um. Keenspace is back up, which i’m really happy about.

I have a few things i’m really keen about. after six months of self entrapment, i’ve suddenly decided to let myself go, for the enlightenment of others. *shrugs* If i wasn’t such a personal person, who likes to keep a lot of emotional things to herself (deeply emotional things) then i might elaborate. If you ask, i might tell you. that is, unless your name starts with a consonant. :0

I’m so mean.

Poor Mouth has been having a rough time of it. I’m really at a loss of what to do. Usually getting stone drunk helps him feel better, but this isn’t even touching his depression this time. It’s really odd. He’s a great friend, who helped me free myself from my own little prison of emotion. I’d like to help him too, the way he helped me…. so i’ve been thinking really hard about it.

And i’m gonna try to do something, I don’t know what yet. But something. Anything.

Last Sunday, I had a nightmare, for clarification for those who are confused. It was vivid. It was real. I was standing some place, seemed like Wudan’s old apartment, maybe. And The Specialist and I were there. He told me he was tired. He looked it too. He wasn’t smiling. He just looked… haggard… but still recognizably him, if that makes sense. He pulled a gun from his pocket, and put it to his chin, and pulled the trigger.

I woke up crying. And i was alone in my house. I was really scared. He didn’t answer his cell phone either.

It was like having the feeling that you could never tell someone you were sorry. It was horrible. And I never want to feel like that again.

Ever.

Derringer Meryl [A little scarred] Out

While I admit, I love my siblings all very much, and they’re all very special, I”d like to take this moment to express my anger at one of them.

The Specialist.

I’m sure it’s a very hard life being abnormally smart, as well as looked up to. I’m sure that’s a horrible burden to bear. I’m sure it’s hard for people to ask you for things all the time and then to deal with their anger when you don’t necisarily know the answer. I’m positive that all of that is hard. Difficult to deal with.

But there’s a thing called “No” Maybe you should have started to say it earlier. I don’t know. But now you’ve gotten yourself tangled in a whole bunch of promises (either said or unsaid) and you can’t keep them all. So most of them get half done.

Maybe i’m saying this when i’m too angry about it, maybe it’s the fact that I can’t write without music, and thus the fact that i can’t hear a LARGE amount of my music means that nothing is getting done. I have the feeling that several large Bobbie pins have been shoved through my left eye, and i just want to break down and never move again. Dammit, all i want is my damn music.

My father has spent three hours trying make it work, and I’m sure …. I don’t know. I’m just so … stress that my throat is constricting and i’m crying because i can’t listen to my stupid music. it’s stupid and childish,a nd I’m probably not even that mad at the Specialist as I am that life sucks and I don’t want to do it anymore. I don’t want to do school. I don’t want to Date, I don’t want to think, I just… don’t want to function any longer. I want to lay down in my large luxurious bed, and not get up.

it’s horrible to say that. I hate myself for saying that, which is probably just as contradictory as anything. My head hurts, my teeth are clenching so badly that my jaws hurt all the way up into my forehead. My cat Bit me, and i have a major paper due on tuesday, work tomorrow night. I’m so… tired. I’m so. … i’m just done. I just want to be done with it.

Derringer Meryl [Stressed to where It hurts] Out

Psh. Like The Specialist actually DID lyric spews before me. Yeah right. *blinks* I don’t know. his blog doesn’t go as far back as mine does, so i’m not sure — but I started lyric spewing the end of my junior year of high school.

Cha.

I’ve spent my day reading fanfictions. I love to read stories. AU stories, Romance stories, Drama, Thriller….

Pretty much anything. I’m a reading freak. Which reminds me–

I was talking to my mom last night, who unfortunately gets no alter title other than my mom…. sorry, about how i hate going to school. She says she thinks that I may becoming agoraphobic… Or afraid of going out into public. I can understand what she means… but I think it’s actually the fear of interacting with people I don’t know. I’m not scared of the mall… err… most malls…. and I”m not scared of the doctors office (cept the germs, icky) I’m not scared of any of that… I’m petrified of school.

It’s the forced interaction of people, who otherwise wouldn’t talk to each other. I don’t do well with the idea of making small talk with someone. *frowns* I’m no good at it, and i …. I hate doing it. I hate talking to people. Conversing with random people, annoys me. Frustrates me. ANd it’s freakishly ridiculous that it’s expected of me.

My mom says I can’t be afraid of people cause “How do you expect to get married….?” and I think to myself “I sorta hoped he’d be introduced to me, or that…. well that we’d be forced friends. Two people in an unsavory situation (like work or school) and that i wouldn’t have to start the conversation…. and … I don’t know. Sue me. I don’t like to talk to people…. *mutter mutter*”

Yeah. Maybe I don’t want to get married RIGHT now. Maybe I’ll have to take sometime to get over things…. and MAYBE it’s going to take someone else to really bring me out of my shell. Good grief.

Invasion from Within Tsunami Bomb

Enemy inside of me!

I’m caught! I cannot kick them out

Their claws are wrapped around my throat and they are squeezing tighter

Insanity is coming over me

Their every wish is my command

No way out!

I feed them, you will too!

They’re gonna take control of you!

You’ll know when they have got you trapped

Everything looks cloudy and you feel like you’re on fire

Inhabited, I wish that I were dead

My blood has turned from red to black

No way out!

When they come for you

They see right through your flesh and bones for soon you’ll be their home

They know you deep inside, the things you can’t try to hide

No hope after the first bite

Look out ’cause they are onto you

They’ll cut you open, crawl inside and you’ll be lost forever

Don’t try to run ’cause you’re the chosen one

Your world is gone, no turning back

No way out!

Derringer Meryl [Nothing works out right] Out

*eyes glaze over* You know that feeling, where it feels like things are okay? School is good, friends are good, relationships in the romance area are good, everything is good–? That feeling is the best ever.

I’m NO where near that feeling. I realized that i’m going to school tonight for the first time in … *thinks* three weeks or so? I don’t really want to go back– i don’t fit in there, and being there makes my butt go numb. Blah. Then There’s Red, who i’m almost convinced is dead. [half-smile] How rude of her not to call and tellme she’s dead.[/lame joke] and i just got on my instant messenger, only to see that Monkey doesn’t seem to be feeling well either. I’m not sure, as we don’t talk very often anymore, but part of me wishes that i could get my guts in a pile and call and ask him how he is. *whispers* i just don’t want to be intrusive. Or rude, or anything.

I just want to be friendly, and i’ve come to the realization that i suck ass at being friendly. I’m overbearing in my friendly-ness and thus, it scares people. I’m like the church-lady who calls and asks you to come to church, but you look at the caller id and hide, like actually physically hide because you feel that somehow she can see you through the phonelines…..

I might be exaggerating, but i’m not sure. Anyway. I’m a worry wart, I get stomach aches from worry, but if i didn’t have my friends to worry about, then i’d worry about stupid things. I worry about Marco, Red, Monkey, Frienjamin, Dateless, Gert, Artemis, …. hell, sometimes i even take the time to worry about the annoying animeboi. I worry about my family, that everyone is doing okay, that their marriages are working out okay, that my brother doesn’t have a job, and i figure that makes him feel pretty down. I worry about interactions between my Dad and my ‘twin’ because they dont’ get a long at all.

I worry about germs, and how they can get into your body– i worry about having enough money, about what my parents think of my lack of direction… and what not. It’s exhausting, to worry about it all. But I don’t let it overwhelm me. I see worrying, as a sign of love. Worry=Care. I care about people, so I worry about them. Are they happy, are they sick, are they dating someone new? It’s not obsession, it’s love.

Derringer Meryl [piling some guts, EMAIL] Out

Oh Yeah. I have a test tomorrow… err.. today, whatever. 🙂 Wish me luck… 🙂

*crickets chirp*

Fine ya stingy jerk. I’ll get my luck from other places. HMPH.

After test, i have work (yippie) and then i have… DN Angel? Maybe. Depends on if it downloads.

I fear the Kazaa thanks to the RIAA, I just wish I knew where to find it with Bittorrent. 🙁

Derringer Meryl [sleepy by time] Out