Undone

and in my heart.

Mostly I feel like writing this out because saying it aloud to people feels petty and stupid. But it churns through my mind as I complete mindless tasks (like the painting I did today. It looks fab BTW) all i can focus on is the things I dont’ have. This isn’t… healthy to say the least. I try to remind myself (as I learned from Veggie Tales) that a thankful heart is a happy heart and envy just breeds depression. That’s the last thing I need. REALLY.

Still.

I don’t feel UNHAPPY per say with where my life is. I like my job, even though it stresses me out. Frequently. But I enjoy what I do even though there is little return on my investment of time (IMO). It’s fulfilling to know that half of the department I train in was trained by me. I love coming home too, everyone is so excited to see me. I suppose that would go away, should I ever become a stay at home mom like I want.

It’d be something rough to give up– but I would love to … so I think I could give up the mommy excitement for 10 minutes before screaming ensued. I know the grass is always greener crap. But the idea of not having to stay up to all hours of the night to do laundry/talk with my husband because it’s the only time we have together… that sounds nice to me.

Something else that’s difficult for me. This is an issue I’ve been secretly skirting for a while now. It’s really hard for me. REALLY.

I would L-O-V-E to be pregnant right now. There is one thing I learned from having a miscarriage it is you never ask someone when they’re having a kid. You don’t know what personal struggles their going through. Why they aren’t. So if you’re not close, don’t ask. I always act like the idea is… abhorrent to me, because it has to be. I want to stay at home when I’m pregnant next. NOT TO MENTION the fact that 3 kids and one husband staying at home all day when he needs to sleep is … just a REALLY bad idea. So I am working, every day, toward the goal of staying home. I want to stay home. I want to have another baby (my last) while staying home.

Please don’t ask me how long away that is. Please don’t. It hurts to say we won’t be expecting for a year and a half. It hurts to think we’re going to have to wait that long. Audrey will be 4 nearly 5 by then. It’s like starting all over. I don’t know what to do with that. It makes me pretty flipping depressed. So I try not to think about it. But with like 20 people around me pregnant (That’s a small exaggeration.) it’s all I can think about. that I want to be where they are. it’s hard for me to listen to them complain, when I want to join in with them. I want to have a baby.  But what can you do when it’s just not a good idea.

Derringer Meryl [secret secret] Out

Seriously might be buying my own copy of “go the F*** to sleep”  Cause that is all I feel like saying tonight. It is an hour after I put the girls to bed, and they are BOTH still awake. RIDICULOUS. “Oh mom, it’s the only night you get to spend with Dad? LET ME STAY UP ALL NIGHT!!!” Good grief.

I didn’t get Sundays off at work. NO ONE got a shift change really. Which is annoying. I have to wait until August, which frankly, is just too long. TOO LONG I SAY.

I was formulating some awesome blog post earlier, but didn’t get it out of my brain in time. Oh well. I have been looking/drooling over other quilts to make. I think Sukie is making me quilt hungry. Which is sad. I envy people and their hobbies. I am also (admittedly) baby hungry, but that is a whole other kettle of fish that I am squashing as I’d like to lose weight and I’d like to not be working. Both things are not happening any time soon.

We are hoping for a boy next time. I would NOT know what to do with a boy. SERIOUSLY. I was lost with the girls, but I kind of just went with the “do as I’m doing” thing, I’m a girl, I vaguely recall things my mother did for me… So… that works out. I however was not privy to any boy raisings (except of older boys, and it seemed to involve a lot of breaking of things, roughhousing, “not in my house”-ing, and various other parental stereotypes. Also boys seem to have a lot of poor judgement. No offense! I wasn’t the queen of good judgement either. Geezy)  But I am quashing this feeling as much as possible. Please don’t ask me about babies. If I don’t want to hold your baby, it’s because I want to keep it. Kind of. So I’m just trying to ignore that pregnant women exist and babies. I’m taking the “lalalala you don’t exist” method of making it through the next year and a half.

We were talking about gym’s the other day at work. Everyone agrees, hands down that GOLDS GYM IS A SCAM, but that you can occasionally bully them into a good deal. I am not a bully type person. I am pretty much OK with the fact that I am not a person who bullies. I don’t stand up for myself, mostly as I don’t consider myself a person. This may seem odd to admit, I am some sort of thing… that has some personal rights (ie, I have a right to say no when I am violently opposed to something… like rape, or abuse, or some sort of overall damaging event like that) but that I don’t have other basic rights, like time to myself (encompassing, time to get ready, time to take a shower, time to relax, etc) or to have an opinion about things. I should just sit down, shut up, and go with the majority. I do. A LOT OF THE TIME. I don’t haggle prices. I don’t say things to people like “this food was gross, i demand a refund!” I privately tell whomever I’m with that what I’m eating is disgusting — and just don’t finish it ….unless I’m famished. Then maybe. EXAMPLE: Before a book release DQ and I were eating dinner (brinner) at a Village Inn, I noticed my bread was moldy (I was having french toast) and just didn’t eat it. which sucked. I was TOO chicken to tell anyone. (which is dumb, why wouldn’t I say something, why pay for something that came to me gross!?!)  But all the same, I didn’t say anything DQ did. Cause I’m just not like that. I take life as it comes. I don’t say “HEY, this isn’t right!!” Or, in the words of Cave Johnson …

When life gives you lemons, don’t make lemonade. Make life take the lemons back. GET MAD! I DON’T WANT YOUR DAMN LEMONS! WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO WITH THESE?! DEMAND TO SEE LIFE’S MANAGER! Make life RUE the day it thought it could give CAVE JOHNSON LEMONS! DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM?! I’M THE MAN WHO’S GONNA BURN YOUR HOUSE DOWN! WITH THE LEMONS! I’m gonna get my engineers to invent a combustible lemon that’s gonna BURN YOUR HOUSE DOWN!

I don’t ask to see life’s manager. Life is probably hating it’s job just as much as I dislike having to work as well (I like my job, I hate working) why should I get in someone’s face about an issue when it’s not their fault either? Stuff happens. Why throw a fit? It’s just going to raise my blood pressure and make me more likely to have a heart attack.

Now you might be saying “But instead you just sit there and fume and worry about things. Don’t you think it’d be more healthy to get it out there? Maybe not angrily, but out is better than in right?”

Probably. But I think people who go around spewing their problems and dropping it in someone else’s lap are irresponsible. Maybe my thought doesn’t carry. Let’s see. Let’s go off of the Moldy french toast thing. So If I had manned up myself and said “this isn’t good. I’m not paying for it.” myself instead of DQ doing it,  then what happens? I imagine it doesn’t come out of the waitresses pay, it’s not her responsibility to make sure stuff is fresh, but it does come out of the corporate restaurant’s budget. they just lost that $9 or whatever because they paid someone to cook it and serve it, but didn’t get comped for it. So that’s gotta suck there, I guess, instead of me taking responsibility for it, I’m putting it back where it goes. How was I in control of that situation? How would I (or could I) know that their bread was going bad? Inspected the Kitchen? WHO THE HECK DO YOU THINK I AM? Gordon Ramsey? HECK NO! They’d turn me out and ask me never to come back. Bleh.

Anyway. Maybe I should stand up for myself. I’ll play the game of “Who should be responsible here?” and if there isn’t anyone to put the blame back to reasonably, I’ll keep my mouth shut 😉

Derringer Meryl [good luck and good night] Out

Everyone thinks it’s weird that Audrey is Gigi to me… Since Katie and I (and DQ as well) call her Awgee, I think it works. I did like the nickname Ree (see thepioneerwoman.com, she is called Ree) but it could quickly (as my mother pointed out) spin off into Ree-Ree, and I don’t particularly like that.

She is peacefully sleeping in the pack and play next to the computer.

Something I didn’t realize with Katie — newborns are easy. I feed her, I change her. She manages herself other than that fairly well (though she doesn’t like it when I eat spicy food) The main problem with having a second child is the first child. Katie adores Audrey to the tippiest tip of her toes to the tippiest tip of her nose. She loves her all over, however, she doesn’t particularly love sharing attention. She’s not outright mean to Audrey, however Katie is outright mean to me. *sigh* and Scott, and pretty much anyone else she gets in arms length of. Katie just needs more attention. I applaud my mom and dad for being so willing to take her and have her stay with them. It has been helpful, and I got a great day out yesterday from it. I finally got my hair cut and a few other things. I got a new shirt (which I love. I will shop more at that store if I lose more weight) and a teddy bear for Audrey from Great Grandma. I went to lunch with DQ, and even got to go visit a friend of mine who I hadn’t gotten to see in a while. I did take Audrey with me, but with the amount of time we spent away from the house– it’s for the best we did. 🙂

I appreciate greatly everyone who has helped us with easing into Audrey being here. Everyone who brought us food, or presents, or toys for Katie. Everyone who brought food for Scott in the hospital, who came to see is in the hospital.

Audrey is growing well, I’m losing weight well, all is well. I have a whole month of time off left. I’m pleased.

Derringer Meryl [not looking forward] Out

I won’t be getting 2 majillion more Ultrasounds like I did with Katie, so I have to guess what she’ll be like (or he! Could we all be horrifically wrong??) based on movement and such.

I think she’ll be a calm baby. I’m probably jinxing myself saying that… but she feels calm, not a big mover or shaker.

She won’t have constant hiccups all the time.

She’ll have Scott’s logical mind, and blue eyes. (I’m fighting on the blue eye thing, Scott and I think it’d be wonderful if she had blue eyes and brown hair)

I think she’ll not have much hair at all! Like I did when I was born. Far less than Katie did.  A bald onion headed baby 😉

I think she’ll be patient, and that she’ll love to play games and mimic (Katie didn’t get into the mimic thing until just recently, she perferred to observe)

I think she’ll be fascinated by Katie.

These are my guesses so far.

Derringer Meryl [Upcoming events] Out

I (almost daily) have a panic about my c-section. It’s not really a gripping panic attack (which I’ve had before, even at work, about nothing or anything) it’s just this feeling under the surface of my skin that seems to beg me to write this blog post. My brain says “Just ask. Asking is ok!” and another part ofme that apparently has so much pride I don’t know where it’s coming from, because honestly I don’t consider myself a prideful person says “Don’t. That’s rude. Asking is rude.”

But apparently my need for panic has over ridden my pride, or even a sense of prudence. I dont’ know who reads this blog (well I know who comments, and I know my lovin’ mom reads it– cause she’s sweet.) but I’m panicking about when I get home from the hospital… then what?
You’ve heard me mention that I want to freeze up some food and keep it. Good idea! haven’t done it yet. Will probably do it late June.

My biggest fear is… my stairs. Dumb thing to be scared of? quite possibly. Some patients are told by their doctors to not use the stairs at all. That leaves me either upstairs all the time, or downstairs all the time. (Though techically I’d have to use the stairs to get downstairs.) I’m afraid of 6 weeks stuck alone in my house with Katie and Audrey (or as of yet unnamed baby Boy. I keep having dreams it’s a boy.) really when I think about it, that fear is PRETTY unfounded, because even if Scott doesn’t take work off, he’s still at home during the day, I didn’t have him run and do so much for me at night as I did during the day… But I know Katie needs to get out and do stuff, and I know Scott will be pretty exhausted from work/being a new daddy again SO, if anyone feels the need to help, and you think “Oh she’s probably not needing me coming to stare at her house and her nursing 24/7, and that’s just weird” and you want to help but you don’t necissarily know what to do? Please just come play with my Katie. I’m scared she will be lacking attention and all the fawning she’s used to and will be intensely jealous. Come and get her and her little red wagon and drag her around the street, or come and take her to the park which is like 2 minutes away– Take her to Costco with you when you run to get milk or any other quick chore that you don’t mind extending a few (haha, or a bunch of) extra minutes.  Play a puzzle with her in her room…. whatever. All of these things, GOOD THINGS!

I realize everyone in existance can’t come over and help. If you can, please do. I don’t care if y ou even do anything as long as I get visitors. I was very lonely when I had Katie, but Scott was at work more and I didn’t have a two year old, and I didn’t have … STAIRS.
I am planning (hopefully) to nest downstairs with our TV, our lappy and a sturdy surface for holding things (ie food, drinks etc) I remember there were often times that I fell asleep nursing Katie on our couch. I plan for this to continue. Laying down is too hard at first. sitting up in a recliner or on a couch is the way to go!! 😀 I’m excited to have my baby. I’m nervous, I’m nerve-wracked, It’s weird to think it’s only 2 months away!! (or less if I go into labor!!)

I’m so enthused! I feel like I might actually know what i”m doing this time! I’m nervous because it might all be completely different!!

Derringer Meryl [Nerves] Out