Undone

as if you hadn’t noticed, there’s a new Layout, I like it– and i find it an accurate portrayal of me. *nods*

I’m a walking relapse

I do things, things that i’m ashamed of, and i try to stop, but i relapse. I forget, and i do them again. Or sometimes, being a creature of habit, i simply do them without thinking at all.

I relapse into emotions, actions, habits, …. though i have to admit, emotions is possibly the one that kills me the most. Artemis, Mouth and i were talking (isn’t that a mouthful to say) about the kind of person we’re attracted to. Artemis automatically opted for saying she liked pretty-boys who were consequently jerks. I dont’ remember the mouth actually divulging what particular ‘type’ girls he likes, but i do remember clearly what i said….

Jerks My first was a jerk. I don’t mean the kind of jerks who beat you…. no, that’s more than a jerk, that’s an abuser, and he probably has a lot of complicated emotional issues… No. I mean guys who are sweet and nice and then– one day, it just goes wrong. It’s not necessarily their fault– sometimes it just happens.

*pauses to calm her tremors* I don’t know why but they’re particularly bad today….

Monkey was never a jerk — not intentionally. He meant what he said about wanting to stay friends, but after hearing it from a jerk, the phrase is ruined. It’s nothing against him, i think he’s a great guy– he just has that Y chromosome that seems to be rooting against him and his actions. And despite what I said before, Monkey doesn’t stare. I take it back, I retract that statement– Only Miroku stares… *nods* I hope that clears up any confusions….

Maybe Jerk is the wrong way to put things…. I don’t mean they’re rude… well… *blinks* well…. Okay. *sighs* I like guys i can spar verbally with. Quick wit, and sharp tongue (verbally speaking…) someone who can joke with me, and not be scared that i’m going to take his joke the wrong way. Of course, when the relationship ends, that tongue continues to be sharp…. *shudders*

My first ex said I slept with my Drivers Ed instructor to pass the class.

*nods* I do not kid. He told people that. He probably meant it as a joke– but… it didn’t feel like it.

and Monkey, he didn’t ever INTENTIONALLY hurt me. He was always very sweet– leaving nothing but good memories. I just feel like I should re-affirm that since I seem to be lumping all the guys I’ve liked as jerks…. Anything that hurt from him– was usually self inflicted. THinking about things too much, or having people say things … *thinks of how to say it* … the feeling that he didn’t trust me with information…. I guess is the best way to say it.

*raises her hands in a sign of surrender* I don’t mean to open this to discussion– This is my journal– and yes it is online, but… i’m not always ready personally to talk about somethings with others. *looks down* I’m not trying to be rude. I once again re-affirm that Monkey was the most positive relationship i’ve been in…. ever I hurt because I hurt. THat’s me. Not him. *nods*

*laughs*Then you take into account that i had a crush on Miroku, who is positively the largest Lecher that i’ve ever met in my entire life– My crush on J-bob (who only invites me to see Rated R movies which I refuse to see) and my crush on Gert, and my newest one that’s forming for …. *gasps* The mouth. *sighs* I figure If i’m more open about it–

maybe it’ll go away?

Despite the fact that he’s a jerk– i mean it too, he called me a bitch *grumbles* Of course, he said he was sorry after he found out i was offended…. and when Monkey threw the keys at work at me slightly askew and they cut my hand, he was sorry about that too… and he always seems to be challenging how I feel, and how i am. Why I do things, and Why I am the way I am.

It’s been a growing experience for me. I’ve learned new things, and I love that about people… I love that about spending time with different people, they highlight things you didn’t know about yourself.

Like spending time with Artemis has helped me understand my Dad a little better…. and she (even though I don’t approve) encourages me to lie to my parents… and i’ve learned why I don’t like to.

Because that is me. I don’t lie to my parents. It’s ingrained into me, and I don’t want to change that. It makes me unique that i can hang out with the people i do, and keep that. *nods*

and not seeing Rated R films– well… part of me longs to– but it’s not so much for the film that i want to go. It’s so that maybe they’ll accept me. i don’t want to go for the film, it’s paying seven bucks so that I’m cool.

and Honestly, when the day is done, Blood is thicker than water. My friends are friends, and I love them all, but … nothing goes beyond my family. I couldn’t betray my parent’s trust like that.

And i’m a goodie goodie, and it probably sickens you to the end of the earth– but ya know what? Sooner or later, that movie is gonna be on TV. So *shrugs* so what. It’s free, and I can record it…. legally.

Derringer Meryl [the not cool, cool] Out

It’s late, and i have to say, i don’t feel like sleeping. I hate it. I hate going to sleep…. and i’ll tell you why…

i’m sure you don’t care, but PSH, I dont’ care that you dont’ care

There’s no one there with me.

Yeah, iknow i sound like a perv…. but i’m a cuddler. I know i am. I love to cuddle things. and honestly, a stuffed animal doesn’t really cuddle back well…. and i hate it. I hate sleeping, and even though I need to, i wait until the brink of exhaustion and fall asleep then. It’s been that way for months now. I wouldn’t call it …. Um.. Insomnia– it’s just… If you’ve read in here before You know how i am about this. It’s like, just another night, alone. and i hate that feeling. the alone feeling.

The feeling that you’re going to spend every night of your life alone like that… That I’m going to spend every night of my life alone like that.

it’s a depressing thought…. and it makes me stay awake. Makes me say, “You’re going to stay awake until you find someone, dang it!” even though I can’t…. *rubs her head* God I’m getting tired.

*sighs* I’m a sad lonely little perv, aren’t I?

Derringer Meryl [Broke 500] Out

I’m a conflicted little girl. (I was going to say git, but whatever.) I’m just all, here, and then i’m all, there, and it’s getting really annoying.

I gave monkey the ring he made me back last night. *shrugs* I don’t know if he even noticed, but i felt much lighter. I’ve decided to just give in to what he wanted, which was a professional working relationship. I don’t have that kind of relationship with the rest of the guys at work, but he wants it…. so he’s getting it. Oh, and is he going to get it. *eyes begin to well, lip trembles* i felt better though. I honestly did. I was icy, I was platonic, and there was no emotion behind my actions…. unless you count hurt, and pain. *bites her lip* but it’s my own fault. and that’s that.

I did this.

And I”m a permanent life time member of LDSmingles.com now. It’s really fun, and exciting… but every time I meet someone, i’m constantly going “Oh, Gert does that!” or “Gert would find that pretty funny.” and it’s basically what my mind focus’ on now days. *looks down* I tried to get transferred to Dateless’ store (Who in relation, is apparently not so dateless…) but he said Gert would have to approve it– and so I’m back at square one. I mean what am I supposed to do? “Can I switch stores? Because Of Monkey, and mostly because I like you, and i want to see if it’s just a proximity crush, and if it would really last, and if you’re even interested at all… That’s why i’d like to switch Gert”

How about, NO!

There is no way that I, completely sober and ready for work, would say that to Gert’s face, or even over the phone…. or even like to a facsimile of him. I dont’ think so. Not now, not ever. I’m too…. what’s the word… stupid.

*sighs deeply* and I really could use some useful advice. And basically all i’m getting is a whole bunch of “I don’t know what you should do” or grunts while someone is playing some video game….

but there is no way whatsoever I’ll go back to my therapist. I can do this on my own….. With God. I can do this with God, and I won’t need anyone else. I’m positive.

Derringer Meryl [Think, Think, Think] Out

Meryl, what makes your problems so difficult?

They’re mine.

it’s that simple. everything in each one of our lives seems more and more difficult, because it’s us. we have intricate problems, with situations and rules and emotions, that someone else couldn’t possibly understand.

Like my situation with Gert. I’d give anything to be able to tell him how I feel. to be open, and flirty, and just… cute. ya know? I’d love to be able to act the way Artemis does around him, (they’re adorable, but completely platonic) I’d give anything to date him and to see if anything would actually work out between us. To see if I could even make him a better friend. I wish I could do that. But he’s my boss. (to which people say, so what?) that means I work with him on a routine basis. Which also means, the uber uncomfortable-ness of our situation would be extreme, if i said anything along the lines of “I really like you. Do you want to go out sometime?” and him saying “No” (as he is bound to do….) we would all feel, extremely odd, and i would loose my job. and then, nothing at all would be good about my life.

*Frowns*

Well. See, then there are phobias, and just– being neurotic, and wants and desires, and … everything. SO Complicated.

oh. and i’m never EVER ever going back to the mall. I’ll just go to the Software Etc, that’s it.

Derringer Meryl [Pistol Whipped] Out

Late Night Huzzahs!

Mostly the delusions of my mind being too warm while we drove down to the local college town (Only one hour away, what goodies) I thought about why I play video games, and why I work at a video games store, because honestly– I’m not an OG like i pretend to be. I’m a fairly ‘casual gamer’ that is, until i started working at the store, i wasn’t deep into video games– or anything…. ya know? Then I met this guy, he’s also the reason i’m really into Anime, and he liked video games, and so, then I liked video games….

Now don’t get me wrong, i don’t, in all reality, hate video games (like some girls who change themselves to get guys, I hate girls like that…. i’m such a hypocrite) What is really going on here, is that– I”m willing to try new things because someone else is interested in them. Sure, that person maybe a really hot guy, but HEY, it’s stretching my mind a little, okay? So Yeah. 🙂

and yeah, i’ve figured, i’ve done a lot in my life (short as it’s been) For guys sakes. I’ve moved, and stretched, and changed for guys. (Not that i’ve ever had one change for me ever, but that’s not the point here…) The point is, i’ve become the product of what the opposite sex seemed to be interested in, and instead of becoming the really hot girl who everyone wants to date because she’s SO understanding, and SO cool and laid back about stuff, i’ve become…. One of the guys Isn’t that great?

No, I (After molding myself to what i *Thought* guys wanted) have come to realize that guys want someone who is completely moronic, that they can feel smart when they talk to because they (their significant other) have no clue what they’re talking about. I’ve seen it at my own home, i’ve seen it at work…. i’ve seen it everywhere. Don’t tell me it’s not true, because i know it is. *leers* Stupid, Pretty, and Skinny. That’s the ideal woman…. Oh, and having boobs so big that her back will break, that’s good too.

So Yeah, I’m SLIGHTLY cynical about what guys want from a girl, but that’s because i’ve been trying to be what I THOUGHT guys wanted for so long, that’s it’s me now. Who I am– and now… I’m just sorta screwed.

Oh, and, Guster (awesome band, heard about them from Gert) is coming to town soon. I’d like to go, just because i’d like to do anything other than stay at home, and because i’d like to go with Gert. 🙂

Derringer Meryl [My Moods Don’t swing, Silly!] Out