Undone

For sure. I appreciate that over a year (and more, but it’s got intenser over the past year) my family and friends have super duper supported me and Scott. I will go into this more– later, tonight– but really awesome I love you thank you.

(later on…)

Oh yes. Well you see, Scott and I have been working either slightly overlapping schedules, or opposite Schedules for nearly 4 years now.  Can I just say it’s ROUGH to do that kind of thing? SUPER ROUGH. And we have a lot of family that has been supportive in helping with the girls when Scott needs some down time. My parents watched Katie after I had Audrey, for nearly two weeks solid. That’s intense stuff. she can be unmanageable!! My mother in law helped watch her while working on and studying for her masters and her LCSW test. My brother in law has helped watch both the girls despite being a youngest child. That stuff is rough. You find out when you have kids (and you’re the youngest) you don’t know NEARLY as much as you thought you did. Carebear and Frik have welcomed the girls into their house MORE times than I can count! Helping during the day while Scott had to work days after getting laid off.

A lot of people have supported us through some not so great times, and some awesome stuff too. We really appreciate you. Thank you for being SO AWESOME and being part of our Kid’s lives.

Derringer  Meryl [I really do love you] Out

Something is going nuts with Scott’s Server. So I wait for that to get fixed (haha never) and then we will be able to cahnge the background. I think it’ll be epic, but… Maybe I’m just over excited.

Work has been nuts lately. I did over 300 chats last week. CHATS. That’s a lot of typing. I feel like I should start researching how to prevent Carpel tunnel. Considering I did not work all 40 of my hours last week, it is amazing how much work I’ve done. It was CRAZY. Over 10 chats an hour. That is a lot of chatting if I do say so myself. And I do!

That being said, I do really enjoy my job. It’s a nice place. You know that the Supervisors have your back and know thatyou’re working hard, they say thank you, a lot. Which is refreshing, and nice. I don’t feel like I’m being stalked that I’m not doing enough. I feel like they are satisfied with my work, and so am I. Also, it’s nice to be working in a field where I feel comfortable. After being on the net for … nearly 20 years now (next year will be my 20th. WEIRD) I know a lot about email. I know a lot about servers and building websites. That being said, I am no expert. I tend to take an… interesting way to functioning with the internet. I just keep trying. Again and Again. To fix, improve and manage my website(s) I am self taught on HTML and for a long time hand coded. After that I found other people’s code (via free websites) and modified them and broke and repaired them. I am not… book smart when it comes to the internet. I can’t brag about capabilities. I’m much closer to being an idiot savant. I know where to go and what to look for to make things work. I can’t explain it to you, or help you fix your website, without going in and mucking it up a BUNCH for you. Which is why I’m not in Support!! In any case. I love the internet. I love being on it. I love meeting new people. For a period of my life, I enjoyed going into chat rooms and being dramatic. No one cares when you lie in a chat room. It was a beautiful thing for a teenage girl. I was Stunning. Because, when it comes to the written word, I have found, I am charming. I am alluring. In person I am awkward and unsure. Online, I am cunning and beautiful. I am a picture and my words….

*wipes a tear* I love you internet. I love you soooo good.

Derringer Meryl [I’m in Love, I’m in Love, I’m in love…] Out

Somehow, writing from my phone is annoying, and it feels like it cheapens my blog posts, and quite frankly, this deserves my time to sit down and write it out.

Six years ago today, around 4 something in the morning, Scott and I got a call that his Dad (Dave) had passed away. I was just barely 20, and honestly, no one who was close to me (IE I’d spent more than 10 min. one on one with them) had ever died. Dave dying rocked my world in a way that nearly nothing else has. Being married to an oldest brother … i felt like I had some sort of responsibility to make stuff work and make something better, however, being 20 kind of made me… inept and inexperienced. I had friends die, a couple of friends from High school had died, but that was different. While one was sudden (car accident) and wasnt’ expected, not unlike Dave… Something about the parent of your spouse dying makes you feel small and really insignificant (not that this is about me) You realize that, even though you want to some how shove the world back into this happy place, so you can all just… go about life the way it was… you really can’t. There are no words to repair or soothe. Everything is trite. I can distinctly recall that my coping mechanism was….. (drumroll) food. I got donuts. Even though Midori didn’t like donuts, she was down for that. I felt like If I could shove some sugar their way, that’d make things better (?) but once again… 20 years old. I think I did a good job holding it together. I was (very much so) very annoying to Scott, at that point in time. But he was sensitive, and I was … desperate to make him feel better.

I think the pangs of missing Dave didn’t hit me all at once. I missed him when my kids were born. I miss him when Scott’s being stubborn about things. I miss him at family parties. I miss him when we go to Asian Buffets. I miss him when I think of my wedding day. I miss him when my kids are cute, and I wish he were here to share that with. I am sad that he’s not here so we can share in that together. I know he’s proud of Scott and I. How we’ve grown together, and he watches over us. I just… I wish he were here so we could share it all together.

Even though I only knew my father in law… well less than a year, I loved him. Like so many people in his life did. He was a great man, and he raised a good son. 🙂

Derringer Meryl [Not crying, I swear] Out

AKA: the one where I discuss why I work Customer Service.

Most people don’t say “OH I LOVE to work Customer Service!” Because we can all admit, people can be big fat jerky jerks sometimes, which sucks. No one wants to deal with someone who is angry. I don’t like angry people, and while there are people who do, they are probably some sort of masochist and have jobs doing something else that is kind of kinky.

*ahem*

anyway. I work it because I need to. Not like it fulfills me in a way that nothing else can (which again, kinky sounding?) It just is something I need to do, because, well we all do what we need to survive.

I just wonder sometimes if those people who call someone in a call center realize that talking on the phone isn’t these people’s passion. It’s a job. They do the best they can, and then they go home. No one in a call center (save supervisors maybe) go home thinking “how can I make my job better?” Nope. You go home and you try not to think about the fact you’re going back tomorrow. Typically anyway.

If you’re lucky like me, you work in a marvelous wonderland of free diet coke (you should be hearing angels singing at this point) and nice coworkers, a super CEO/CFO who just make you want to come to work. It’s still hard. VERY HARD for me to not just stay at home (though I know it’d be bad for us) but, it’s nice that if I HAVE to work, to work some place where people are funny and joke, like I do, and they understand you’re a human, and that you have needs. and the phones are so nice (that is the people on the phones, that you talk to) that you don’t mind that your break is only 10 minutes. You know that the office functions like a well oiled machine, and everyone is happy and willing to help…

it’s amazing.

I feel bad for my former Verio Co-workers. They lost some of their pay, and their differential is completely gone. How sad. 🙁 No commentary on the company’s choice, i don’t want to get in any sort of trouble for that. It’s just unfortunate for my friends.
In any case…

I am happy. Which feels odd. After being 7 different shades of miserable for over two years, it feels good, and scary to be happy. Which I realize is stupid. (HAHA) but I have been trying to eliminate a lot of my negative self talk, and remove my ideals. Not like Ideals like being a good person and what good people do. But I seem to think that my house needs to be spotless and that my kids should always be clean and dinner should be cooked and kids should be happy, etc etc…

I can’t force things to be perfect. I feel like I’ve been trying to shove a square peg into a round hole for 2 years. I’ve been trying to balance things out. Trying to make things like they were before. Before we had kids, and it’s been frustrating me that I can’t make it that way. But that’s just how it is. I can’t be the mother my mom was, because quite frankly, I’m not my mother. I can’t be the perfect wife, but I can be a pretty damn good one 😉

Like Mal says:

Mercy is the mark of a great man.
(stabs Atherton)
Guess I’m just a good man.
(stabs Atherton again)
Well, I’m alright.

I guess I’m just a good wife, good mom, and good person. That’s ok, and sometimes I’m great, sometimes I feel PERFECT (or as perfect as I can be) and I am happy, that’s great. But– I can’t be like that all the time. It’s not possible. Not even if I stayed at home. Not even if I cloned myself. I’m not lazy, I’m not stupid, I’m not anything but Imperfect. And Scott Loves me that way.

I need to love me and my imperfections too.

Derringer Meryl [BREAKTHROUGH] Out

I want you to by Weezer, drop everything, Head over to weezer.com and LISTEN. I swear.

I’m not a huge fan girl… but wow. I could listen to this song forever. Best romance song ever. I would cry a million happy tears if I ever saw them in concert!

The moon was shining on the lake at night
The slayer T-shirt fit the scene just right
Your smeared mascara
I looked into your eyes and saw a light

You told me stories about your chickadees
They didn’t like BB guns or stupid archery
And Shaun the lifeguard
He let them use the pool all day for free

Then the conversation stopped
And I looked down at my feet
I was next to you and you were right there next to me
Then I said

Girl,if you’re wondering if I want you to (I want you to)
I want you to
So make them move (make them move)
cause I ain’t got all night

The rest of the summer was the best we’ve ever had
We watched titanic and it didn’t make us sad
I took you to flash back
You took me home to meet your mom and dad

Your mom cooked meat loaf,even though I don’t eat meat
I dug you so much,I took some for the team
Your dad was silent
His eyes were fixed to what was on TV

And the conversation stopped,and I looked down at the ring
Your folks were next to you
And you were right there next to me
And I said

Girl,if you’re wondering if I want you to (I want you to)
I want you to (I want you to)
I swear it’s true (swear it’s true)
Without you my heart is blue
Girl,if you’re wondering if I want you to (I want you to)
I want you to (I want you to)
So make the move (make the move)
cause I ain’t got all night

So much pain may come our way
There may come a day when we have nothing left to say

When the conversation stops and we’re facing our defeat
I’ll be next to you and you’ll be right there next to me
Then I’ll say

Girl,if you’re wondering if I want you to (I want you to)
I want you to (I want you to)
I swear it’s true (swear it’s true)
Without you my heart is blue,oh
Girl, if you’re wondering if I want you to (I want you to)
I want you to (I want you to)
So make the move (make the move)
Cause I ain’t got all night

It makes me think of Scott and I. It feels good.

g’night

Derringer Meryl [sweet] Out