Undone

Why is Mommy So Mad?

I was discussing something along these lines with a friend of mine. I think every woman, and even person, has different opinions on what kind of “parenting” style is best. But the truth is, it’s BEST for them. I like to keep my mind open, I like to hear about what other people do, simply because I DO NOT know what I’m doing. I try to do my best. I try to keep my kids happy and well balanced. Though it’s becoming quickly apparent that they are SPOILED (really bad! I certainly didn’t have this many toys! Clothes, or people catering to me!) but other than that, we try to curb them fairly well. Teach them manners, and not to be jerks, and it’s hard! I think everyone is just trying not to screw their kids up. And quite honestly– I dont’ think there is a way to do that….

The debates don’t end with Child rearing. I suppose you could say they start with pregnancy. How to behave, no pills no help, midwife, OBGYN…. Home births, water births (though not mutually exclusive), c-section, natural, epidural… blah blah blah… What is right and wrong. People talk about C-sections like it’s horrible. Like you’re going to get sliced into like a christmas ham and left to bleed out on the table. Good Lord. I am defensive, I’ll admit, because I have a lot of baggage about my C-section. I can hear my mom saying “but you had to have one” and while that’s technically true in a way, I had a choice. I took the path of less resistance. I will full on admit that I think people spouting the “Your body knows when to push your baby out” bullshit. Excuse my french. Maybe their body is reliable, and can do things like that. Maybe they’re blessed with the patience and ability to sit around and nest instead of being chained to a desk nearly in tears from the pain of being pregnant while trying to help some moron with their customer service needs. Maybe some women enjoy the experience of working up until their water breaks or they bust out in full on contractions, But I was SICK of waiting. I was sick of feeling the hiccups and the kicks while hearing someone whine about their cellphone’s lack of signal when they were talking in the subway. I guess what I’m saying is, Maybe next time I can enjoy being pregnant, and maybe someday I’ll be able to sit around and have warm fuzzy feelings about wanting to wait my baby out, but over all. I was wanting her out (either or) and I wanted them out sooner than later. maybe I’m impatient, but honestly, does that make me a bad mommy? no.

Be happy with your choices. Love yourself and you children, and to hell with anyone who criticizes your parenting choices. ;P

Derringer Meryl [haha] Out

Being a girl myself, I relate (now being a mom twice over) really well to my mom. No offense to my dad, who is great in his own right, I don’t want this blog to sound like my mom is great and my dad didn’t do anything… It’s just that myself, I find myself learning a lot about my mom through being a mom myself. I will always be a parent, but I will never ever be a dad. I just thought I would cushion what I’m about to say– just because I know my dad is awesome too– I just find myself with an increasing respect for my mother.

I had my second daughter a week or so ago. We were in the hospital for a while, my parents (ever so greatly!) took care of Katie for us, and I came home and my mom stayed with us. She made sure we ate well, and often, and that I got water and relaxed. She made sure that Katie got attention, and that I got sleep. I’m sure it wasn’t SUPER de duper fun for her, but I know she did it because she loves me. The way I love my kids. 🙂 And now she’s watching Katie for me at her house (again, both her and my dad) because I still can’t lift her, and snuggle her like I want to… she’s dying for attention and to go outside. Which I can’t do because A) I’m exhausted and B)I don’t want to be mauled by our dog who is just the right size to jump up and hit me in my incision. Ow.

In any case, my mom (as I mentioned at the hospital) is a self sacrificing person. I love her for that. I love her for loving my daughter… I love her for loving me 🙂 Even when I’m not so lovable.

Derringer Meryl [Mom Love] Out

Usually, I like to keep my mouth shut about Scott’s scary diabetic things. Mostly because i think it’s embarassing for him, and because it’s quite really not anyone elses business.
But being a hormonal pregnant woman, and being (overall) quite proud of myself this time calling to get assistance.

First of all, let me tell you, I am (and still can be) a diabetic moron. Most people are. For example, I, like most people, used to think “OH he has low blood sugar, let me give him insulin” as if Insulin is some sort of diabetic neosporin and it just makes them feel all better. NO. It doesn’t. Low bloodsugar means he needs to eat, high Blood sugar means he needs insulin. Scott feels sick (as do most diabetics) with high blood sugar. Low blood sugar means non responsiveness, and overall turning into a cold sweaty frankenstein’s monster. Scott doesn’t remember what happens often during his Low blood sugar episodes. This time his sugar (when I got home from work) was 30. I recalled what had happened last time and the operator from 911 had encouraged me to get Scott to eat something. He did this time, however it must have been far too late, as the next two blood draws gave me readings of 29 and 28.

So while all of my insides are going “OMG! my husband is dying right here in my bed, WTH am I going to do?” I have a toddler who is telling me about her blankie and mickey and hello kitty etc etc etc. Luckily for me, DQ hadn’t been feeling good that day, and had came home. I felt bad (only a little, as it was an emergency) waking her up from her nap, to watch katie while I tried again to revive Scott. (BTW< she put really cute braids in Katie’s hair while watching the simpsons. Katie probably didn’t even know there were paramedics upstairs.) Finally it got to the point where I knew i couldn’t do it myself (since I didn’t know where the freaking glucogon kit was, and the operator even asked if he had a kit to use in cases like this. As a note, i do know where it is now.) I was lucky that I knew where his blood testing kit was. Without that I would have been stuck pretty much panicking. Every time I stuck him he got pretty much stuck twice since the first stick never seemed to hve enough blood. Poor guy! Anyway. I called 911, the operator helped me through and I remembered the commercials where the mom is just hysterical because her baby is not breathing, and did my best to keep calm and answer her. I admit that my voice broke a couple of times, but I didn’t cry this time. I opened the door for the police and the paramedics, and made sure Scott stayed breathing. I would say in under 5 minutes I had a total of 6 burly men in my bedroom recussitating Scott. They had me make him a PB sandwich (which he didn’t want, but we got some other food in him) I was aware that they’d have me make him this, Midori made it last time as she was in the neighborhood helping me out.

Scott is fine.  He was fine within 10 minutes of them getting there. They’re pros. I’m really greatful to the EMT’s and the police that showed up to help.
I have always had this unfounded (previously) fear that I would come home (even as a kid) and find someone splayed out passed out at my house. I am a pretty anxious person. I usually can dust those fears aside with a “they’re a healthy person, why would mom/dad/brother/husband/daughter etc be passed out?” I had a lot of fears of my parents dying of heart attacks when I was in Jr high and high school, so I stayed home, as if it’d be less traumatic to be at home when it happened. It feels weird to think about it. Scott and I have always been very open about death and about the fact that he will most certainly (according to the odds of him being a man that is older than me with diabetes) die before me, that I”ll have to cope without him. it’s not a comfortable thought. I think though, it would be incredibly ironic if he out lives me. That’d teach him 😉 Seriously though. It’s scary. He’s fine. He was trying to fast to go and do some testing so he can finally replace his pump, and unfortunately his blood sugar just got too low. We won’t be trying the fasting thing again until I’m home to help him go to the hospital for the tests.

in other news. I’m still immensely pregnant. my goodness. I feel less huge than I did with Katie, but that’s really not saying much as I was the size of a house roughly with her. Audrey will be here in 13 days or less.  Scott and I are hoping for less. I oddly have been wishing to go into labor. People say “Oh why?!” but if you have a child without going into labor (a child that you carried yourself, in your womb) you might understand the surreal feeling it is to lay down, and then poof magic there’s a baby. Even my OB asked me if I was really sure i had a c-section (In reference to my scar, he says it’s barely noticable.) I said we were all there (referencing myself Scott and Katie who were all in the room.) Also a lot of moms who do not experience labor and delivery have a hard time Bonding with their child. I’ll admit, I experienced some PPD that I wasn’t expecting from the choice I made.  I would never trade a happy healthy Katie for anything, but I wish I had known better back when I was pregnant with her. This time, I again made the choice for a c-section (it was my choice, 100%) as I liked my doctor and I DO NOT like the feeling of being passed from doctor to doctor at a office. 😛 That kind of stuff is for the birds. I’m not super knowledgable about child birth or anything, but I know that this time, Audrey has her little head down, and hopefully I can dilate a little, and go into labor a little– so that I can at least say “I’ve done that.”
Derringer Meryl [Smattering] Out

I (almost daily) have a panic about my c-section. It’s not really a gripping panic attack (which I’ve had before, even at work, about nothing or anything) it’s just this feeling under the surface of my skin that seems to beg me to write this blog post. My brain says “Just ask. Asking is ok!” and another part ofme that apparently has so much pride I don’t know where it’s coming from, because honestly I don’t consider myself a prideful person says “Don’t. That’s rude. Asking is rude.”

But apparently my need for panic has over ridden my pride, or even a sense of prudence. I dont’ know who reads this blog (well I know who comments, and I know my lovin’ mom reads it– cause she’s sweet.) but I’m panicking about when I get home from the hospital… then what?
You’ve heard me mention that I want to freeze up some food and keep it. Good idea! haven’t done it yet. Will probably do it late June.

My biggest fear is… my stairs. Dumb thing to be scared of? quite possibly. Some patients are told by their doctors to not use the stairs at all. That leaves me either upstairs all the time, or downstairs all the time. (Though techically I’d have to use the stairs to get downstairs.) I’m afraid of 6 weeks stuck alone in my house with Katie and Audrey (or as of yet unnamed baby Boy. I keep having dreams it’s a boy.) really when I think about it, that fear is PRETTY unfounded, because even if Scott doesn’t take work off, he’s still at home during the day, I didn’t have him run and do so much for me at night as I did during the day… But I know Katie needs to get out and do stuff, and I know Scott will be pretty exhausted from work/being a new daddy again SO, if anyone feels the need to help, and you think “Oh she’s probably not needing me coming to stare at her house and her nursing 24/7, and that’s just weird” and you want to help but you don’t necissarily know what to do? Please just come play with my Katie. I’m scared she will be lacking attention and all the fawning she’s used to and will be intensely jealous. Come and get her and her little red wagon and drag her around the street, or come and take her to the park which is like 2 minutes away– Take her to Costco with you when you run to get milk or any other quick chore that you don’t mind extending a few (haha, or a bunch of) extra minutes.  Play a puzzle with her in her room…. whatever. All of these things, GOOD THINGS!

I realize everyone in existance can’t come over and help. If you can, please do. I don’t care if y ou even do anything as long as I get visitors. I was very lonely when I had Katie, but Scott was at work more and I didn’t have a two year old, and I didn’t have … STAIRS.
I am planning (hopefully) to nest downstairs with our TV, our lappy and a sturdy surface for holding things (ie food, drinks etc) I remember there were often times that I fell asleep nursing Katie on our couch. I plan for this to continue. Laying down is too hard at first. sitting up in a recliner or on a couch is the way to go!! 😀 I’m excited to have my baby. I’m nervous, I’m nerve-wracked, It’s weird to think it’s only 2 months away!! (or less if I go into labor!!)

I’m so enthused! I feel like I might actually know what i”m doing this time! I’m nervous because it might all be completely different!!

Derringer Meryl [Nerves] Out

<<<<  I wrote this in a steam room on my message board I go to. The only thing it’s missing are the emoticons…. which I’m too lazy to steal, and really you’re not missing much. This post doesn’t actually refer to anyone I know in real life. Mostly I would say the INTERNET has made me feel bad about my decision to have a C-section, no one i know personally. I thought I’d get that out there before I get asked “I don’t make you feel bad do i?” and the answer is no. You don’t. Trust me. Everyone I know has been VERY supportive in my choices, and I even discussed it somewhat with my mom before I chose it. If Life was perfect, things would progress differently than they do sometimes. In a perfect world I’d probably labor at home and then go to a nataloc (look it up people) and give birth and feel so proud of myself and my body. But I sacrafice my pride to protect myself, my husband and my children…. So without further ado– My C-Section Rant.>>>>

Why do I feel like…. because I “chose” to have my C-section that I should feel like I’m a bad mom. WTH?!

Like I should be apologizing that I wasn’t able to do a natural birth. I really respect people who do that, and honestly If I wasn’t such:

1)a big fat chicken
2) a previous C-section mommy
3) afraid of my own body

I probably would have done MORE to have a natural birth. But why is it that everyone looks down on C-sections? I feel like people are making C-section mommies into second class citizens. Like we don’t love our kids as much or something because we either A) chose not to or B) weren’t able to go through the labor process naturally.

And I voice my irritation at this and people say “Well you didn’t CHOOSE it, your baby was breech”

NO, that’s not true. I DID choose it. My doctor said “we can try and turn her and induce you, or we can just go for the c-section” and I CHOSE the c-section. I said “Sign me up for that!” and i didn’t realize the stigma or the crippling grief that would come from it. Will I spend the rest of my life being looked down on because of my choice? That’s disgusting! Why can’t everyone have the “I respect your decision, but that’s not the choice for me” attitude? <<Side bar, I feel that I try my best to have this attitude to other moms who choose other things. I couldn’t do a natural birth. I couldn’t, and might I add wouldn’t have my child at home… but for people who can and do, great for them!!! Not for me!>> I go to websites that I’m sure are supposed to be well meaning trying to warn women of the dangers of a C-section and why they aren’t good… and… I just feel dirty. I feel like they are spewing hate.  <<To be a bit more in detail here, I feel like I’m supposedly lazy or something because I didn’t give birth. I just had a baby. I didn’t LABOR, I didn’t WORK.  That it’s the easy man’s way out of having a baby. I can’t say! I don’t know! I haven’t done both! But I can tell you it’s not like it’s a picnic. I can remember I couldn’t lay down. My legs swelled up a lot due to the fact they were out of use for 24 hours. I have a scar and this lovely little flap of skin that hangs over it because all my skin is stretched out! Each C-section I have seals my fate as a permanent C-section mom. As much as I’d love to try natural, I cannot face the idea of a uterine rupture. Any chance is TOO big of a chance. I have even scaled back the number of children I want to have due to this risk.>>

I realize that a lot of my depression came from having a c-section last time, but at the same time I think it also came from not feeling like I was respected for the choice I made. Like I was lazy or stupid or inconsiderate for doing what I did. That my doctor (who is/was an amazing OB and always respected my feelings and wishes) was lazy and just wanted to get me out of the way.

I should not be ASHAMED to say I’ve had a c-section. I should not feel like I’m not a good mom because of the way I have given birth. Plenty of BAD mom’s, mom’s who hit and abuse and are just terrible to their children gave birth naturally. Hell. I’m sure bad moms have existed a LOT longer than the C-section has. But it’s not fair though that now days when we have so much medical knowledge, and so much tolerance for SO many things, that we as women can look down on each other for our mothering choices. Everyone thinks what they choose is right. And they are (for the most part) right! What you choose for your child is going to be more right for you, and for them, than what I could choose for them!

As much as I love and respect the opinions of the women here <<<On my Message board, not really relevant to my blog, but I do love a lot of people who read my  blog!>>>, I can’t let anyone belittle me, or the choices I have made. My daughter sleeps in a big girl bed and I put a gate in front of her door to keep her in her room. I work. I have c-sections. I breastfeed, but *gasp* only to a year.

And other moms do other things. And that’s that.

Can’t we just keep in mind that other choices don’t mean they’re bad…. they’re just different.

Derringer Meryl [People are People] Out