Undone

At work we’ve been examining “why” a lot. Why do we want quality workers? why do we provide the service the way we do? Why, Why, Why?

I’ve been applying Why into my life. In case you need a bit of perspective:

So I’ve been thinking about this in a lot of different ways, relating to my job, because honestly that’s where this first was shown to me so it’s logical that I would apply it there first.

Then I started thinking about the fact that WHY would (and could) lead me to being a happier person. Truely. Simon has another video about how much he dislikes the “self help” industry because if we could just reach out to the other people around us and help THEM with their issues without any thought to being “paid back” any sort of return on that investment of our time, other than our own feeling of fulfillment.

I know people who live like this, they are generally much happier than me. I have to admit, I am NOT good at the things Mr. Sinek speaks of. Mostly reaching out to our fellow man. He says that we sit in our cubicles at work and just stay closed off. I wonder, if there is something about my psyche that makes me resistant to other people. At work we do a personality index, I’ve sat through the review of the results… at least 9 times now? and the things I know are that I score low ion the extroverted scale. I am technically an introvert that makes me kind of unique in the fact that my job requires me to be social. I am not socially poised, I DO worry that people like me. I do like to be the center of attention and make people laugh. Because it brings me fulfillment. It makes me feel good. So it’s weird that my fulfillment is working opposite of my personality. There’s probably some deep psychological hole in my brain that a doctor could fix so that I didn’t hate myself for being terrified of people. I do work at it. I enjoy training at work QUITE a bit, because (as any member of my immediate family will tell you) I like to repeat funny stories/jokes. Even if they fall flat. I will tell you the same snooty factoid (did you know that the Brigham City Temple was built on top of the Elementary school I went to? NO? Let me tell you again in 20 minutes.) even though I’ve probably already told you. FUN TIMES EH? Anyway. I like talking, like educating. I’d be a rubbish elementary/secondary school teacher. Mostly because as a trainer, i work with my boss to pick who is in my classes. As a teacher you get what you get and you don’t get upset. So there’s that. I don’t get final say, but– I do the best with what I’m given haha.

Anyway, I was thinking about Why in relation to my weight. I would L-O-V-E to be thin and a little bit foxy (VERY MUCH) and I’d honestly adore just being able to shop at a regular store. But those are the results I’m chasing. (seriously, have you watched the video? Do it!) Maybe I’m the eternal skeptic or something because I don’t have a belief. I don’t have a why. Why am I trying to lose weight? What is my belief set behind that? I think this applies. Because I am a drifter. A chameleon I will believe what you believe with the passion you have. I don’t have a solid opinion of anything. I don’t believe I can do it.

Let me say that again. I don’t feel like the full weight of the statement can be fully felt without me repeating it.

I don’t believe I can do it.

When I say that, when I feel it, when I write it, it is what i mean. It may seem a bit Melodramatic right? People say that’s what I am. Melodramatic. Over dramatic. Whatever. I feel like I am HONEST. I believe in my emotions, and the things I say about my emotions are not exaggerations, they are a true and brilliant painting of the war within my head. People thought that Van Gough was crazy because he could see the color in the universe when no one else could. Maybe it made him a little bit of a nutter. I’m not saying I’m Van Gough, cause I tell you I’m not, but I can tell you that I can relate to feeling something so intensely that it makes you feel insane.

Feeling nothing can make you just as crazy. Sometimes it feels like a faucet. I can only feel everything and be mad, or feel nothing at all and wonder what’s the point. To suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, or by opposing end them.

Look how easily I’ve turned this into something dark!

POINT: My lack of belief in myself makes all of my negative self talk true. I think I’m downright rubbish at my job. I feel quite frequently as a failure. I struggle. I am IMMENSELY proud of my trainees. It seems a little silly, because it’s not like they’re my friends, they’re just acquaintances, but I am proud of their successes, because as their trainer, their success is MY success.

So how do I eliminate that niggling “no you can’t” in the back of my head. The voice I know all so well. I know who he is, and I know where he came from. As much as I want to shut it all away– I can’t. I shut down parts of me to play perfect girl for a while. I did that a lot in High School. Junior high too. Smiling Meryl. Happy Meryl,  Sometimes is never quite enough if you’re flawless, then you’ll win my love … how sad is it that in the end I’m the person that I want to escape. At the end of the day the person that isn’t happy with how i”ve done is me. I project it on other people. Scott, the girls, my boss, God. Everyone else I think is not loving me enough, and it’s because i”m trying to shove all their love into this huge gaping hole I have where my self-esteem is supposed to be.

I remember thinking “if I just had kids, they’ll love me enough.” Maybe not consciously, I may not have had that EXACT thought, but it was there. Before that, It was if I had a husband, or if I had enough friends, or if I had a boyfriend.

Quite frankly the problem is that all the love in the world for exactly who I am now cannot replace the belief i should I have in myself. The belief that I am good enough. Strong enough, That I deserve to be loved, by the most important person in the world to me. As selfish as it sounds, if you don’t have yourself on your team, who do you have?

Does that make sense?  Probably not. Post 10 PM Meryl usually sounds like a bunch of crazy. But this all seems very clear to me now. So I figured out the Why to my broken-ness, I guess the next thing is … How do I fix it?

Derringer Meryl [Deep.] Out

I have been carelessly flipping through the want ads reading each one, checking off the ones I like.

And I’ve been listening to the new Avril CD while I’ve been doing that, and honestly I”ve decided that some regular words are worse than cuss words. Like Shit. That word means nothing to me. It’s poo. whoopdidoo. I don’t care.

The word broken brings me to my knees though. (Isn’t it odd that my page says broken but still good on it?) I hate that word. It makes my stomach churn. Makes me want to die inside.

Reminds me of another time. I think my disconcern now, my distress and deflatedness is me trying to mesh my life with Scott’s as best as I can, and I just get tired of it sometimes, and I just break down sometimes. That other time. I remember rolling over in bed at night and repeating to myself that I was broken and that no one wanted me. That’s why everyone left me eventually. Honestly i realize that everyone has to leave sooner or later, physically. I couldn’t keep the Specialist, and Wudan around forever. I couldnt’ keep things the way they were before. (I realize now that change can be good, because they left I became WAY close with Dax, which I think ROCKS. I always wanted to be really close with at least one of my sibs.) I just …

I told myself that all the time. Scott said something the other day that sent me over the edge of my momentary sanity … I dont’ think I”ll really devulge it, for privacy’s sake, but …. honestly– i wanted to scream. It was so– it reminded of me back then. Rolling around in my bed saying I was broken. Crying myself to bed, because no one wanted me.

Everyone has their little secrets they keep– (No, I don’t light the fires while the city sleeps)

Mine was (still is sometimes) that my brain likes to make me believe that i’m dirt. I think a lot at that point it’s satan. I can’t say for sure, Honestly I don’t think it’s a satanic presence, but — whatever. Chemicals–

Derringer Meryl [Feeling Better] Out

Woah, that last post was a downer. Sorry. I think being in the basement has gotten me down. That and the blasted patch I have attatched to my body to prevent babies apparently has been known to cause depression too. Fun, eh? I like the smart people who call themselves doctors. I love it more when they F*&% me over like they do. Oh like the one time they put me on adderal, and it felt like the united states of America was living in my head. All of them screaming and crying and unloading their worst fears. Tens of thousands of tiny babies crying. I hated that pill SO F*&^$#@ bad. They didn’t even realize that it was making me crazy. Isnt’ that great?

Next week Scott is taking me swimming. I wasn’t too keen on the idea, but he says I can get a new swimsuit. (Wahoo!) And I’ve been looking around. I like this new board shorts trend that’s been happening lately with girls swim wear. (I”m a google nightmare, I can tell you that right now) I like how long they are, and I like my shoulders and back so I’m going to wear a tankini, with long board shorts, and a halter top. Awesome eh?

I’m sure it’s some sort of fashion faux pau (Sp?) for me to be wearing it, but honestly, until now, I haven’t ever worn a swim suit I”m comfortable with, and Dang it, I”m gonna find one, if i have to mix and match my way to heaven.

So, If you know of any good stores, let me know. I know Shopko is having a 50% swimwear sale this week (wahoo!) but the shorts are harder to find, i think I’m going to have to go to the buckle. I love the buckle (It’s a secret addiction) it’s a store made mostly for people Antigone and Sukie’s sizes, but I can try, right?

Derringer Meryl [Swimsuit Mania] Out

Scott says it’s fine if I leave early from His Best Friend’s wedding reception…

I have a confession. (Scott doesn’t read on here much anymore, so i should be safe from having to talk about this again…) I have a problem. It’s a generic problem that a lot of girls have (no it’s not a eating disorder, i’m not pulling a Mary Kate) it’s more of a continuing dissatisfaction within myself, of myself. (however i could correctly say that on the whole, I usually dispise what i do, and how i look, and i’m constantly comparing myself to others.) I look to others on how to behave in most situations…. which i think can be a useful attribute. In a restaurant and you aren’s sure how to properly eat a dish, you just look around, and see how everyone else is eating. It makes sense to me.

I have to agree with The Specialist. I too have a fear of people looking at me. I wonder what they’re thinking. How they’re judging me. Usually I’m pretty good about not caring what other people think about what i’m doing (in a judgemental manner) like when i’m shopping. i could pick up the whackiest stuff and put it in my basket… and not care what the lady who is ringing me up is thinking. *sighs*

That just reminded me that I should look through the want ads for a job. *sighs* I love GS. I just want to make enough money to live in a nice apartment. I want to not stress from month to month and paycheck to paycheck. I’m fairly sure that’s just how life is, but… I don’t want it to be. I’m fairly picky. I was at the store the other day, and I realized that everyone at Macey’s has to wear Khakis, and i just thought, Ick. I hate Khakis. i pretty much hate uniforms (remembers she wants to Apply at Blockbuster, dispite uniforms, they have good benifits)

Scott and I got a new old couch yesterday. From the DI. So It’s not like we went and blew more money we didnt’ have. It’s a great couch. plenty of cuddle space. It’s much more cooshie than Scott’s old couch. I should do chores…. *sighs* So much to do. And I have work at Five, so that’s extra fun. Scott and I miss seeing each other by an hour or two. *sighs* I need the hours though, and so does he. And I admit, we see each other much more often than when we were dating. It felt like that week off from work he had after the wedding went so fast….

Anyway, work and chores beckon.

Derringer Meryl [Will DM ever update again?] Out

I got that new layout I was talking about. Isn’t it special? I thought so. 😀 Still all blushy. I think some of the initial shock of “Oh My Goodness, I’m going to get married” has worn off…. because i’m actually eating again. Sorta scares me…. How much i eat. *shakes her head* My will is in direct comparison to aluminum. *smiles* My mom keeps gently reminding me that i need to stay thin enough that i’ll fit into my wedding dress.

I think I just need to find a happy balance between “Stressed eating everything in sight” Meryl and “I’m so in love i haven’t eaten in hours, and I’m okay with that” Meryl. Neither one is very healthy. I have three months from now until the wedding. I should really work on getting skinnier. Not unhealthy skinny (see Tracy Gold from Growing Pains) but back to a more healthy weight. I mean, I’m not super fat. I know that. I’m not obese. I’m glad of that. I don’t think I’m ugly the way I am. I just would perfer to be smaller, is all. Fifteen pounds is all it would take to knock me from being overweight, to a healthy BMI. Isn’t that sad?

It disturbs me that I’m so obsessed with this. I know Scott doesn’t care. He says I’m beautiful (multiply that into fifteen other ways to say that) just the way I am. I feel beautiful just the way I am. I just wonder if I’m healthy the way I am. And honestly– I’ve never felt prettier than when i’m with Scott. I feel … wanted. No conditions, no rules are bars or “You just need to…” statements. I think that’s wonderful. I just really hate living in this world. I hate living in a place where people are screaming about eating more healthy and looking thinner, and being more fit. I feel like i’m going insane. All that women become are pretty things to look at, very few women are admired for their minds. One tends to believe they have no mind. You don’t hear them speak out– average women. I mean sure, there’s Oprah and Rosie O’Donnell (anyone else want her to shut up?) and Sharon Osborne, but are they saying anything worthwhile? Are they saying it themselves? Or is it just something prefabricated by some person behind the scenes. Just another pretty face to push the package.

*feels a little sad* I guess I kinda went on a binge tonight (I tend to do that when I’m feeling down) I shouldn’t have eaten a lot of what I did. I had two lunches (to make up for the fact I had no breakfast) Dinner, Chips, Pocky, and Pudding…. and two eight ounce bottles of water. Every time I ate I felt my brain screaming “Don’t eat that! You’re going to get fat!” I could say I get that from my mom, one of my earliest recollections was of my mom grabbing my waist and pinching saying that I needed to loose some. I think I was like eight. I dont’ mean to sound like I blame my mom. I’m just– I’m tired of crash dieting. That’s what it is. I don’t blame my mom. She’s the greatest mom ever. She helps me all the time. I love her.

I remember not feeling as pretty as the girls at school, as young as the second grade. My hair was a rats nest, and I was a chubby kid. I was. No doubt. I had a sweet tooth. I had like seven of them. It was all I would eat. Any sib of mine can tell you that. All I’ve ever wanted was to be like the other girls. I don’t know when it finally hit me, but I finally understood that i’m not the other girls. They didnt’ understand me. THey didnt’ understand that I couldn’t do the things they were doing. I didn’t have a boyfriend in Elementary like they did.

Every message I got from my first boyfriend was that I was undesirable. I had never felt so low as I did that year. I looked horrible, I felt horrible. My life was trashed. I was thirty or so pounds overweight. It only got worse with each time he said “God Meryl, Could you weigh anymore?” Sometimes I can stil hear him asking me. I remember how funny he thought it was. I remember trying to cling to how much I loved him. I couldn’t lose him. I was so scared. I think being hurled into depression that year was the best thing that’s ever happened to me. Sure, it sucked at the time, but I felt great after it went away. Because of the depression, I lost my appetite. (Food and my emotions go together like bread and butter) I didn’t eat, so I lost a lot of weight. I learned how to style my hair. I learned that my first boyfriend was a complete and utter jerk (for the lack of a better word that isn’t profane) I pieced my life back together. But I cut a lot of social stuff out of it. I learned that people weren’t really reliable in times of need.

I love me now. I think I look great. I just dont think i’m in a place where I can withstand all the “you need to look…”s of the world. I wrote a poem about it. I got passed up for a lot of prettier girls. I was really– tired of it. Tired of being the girl the guy needed a wingman for. Tired of guys saying “Hey, who’s your friend??”

I’m so glad that I don’t need to worry about the lot of that anymore. The Singles scene. Blah. 😛

To sum this up. Scott thinks I’m great the way I am. I think I’m great the way I am. I want to fit into my wedding dress. So–

No more binging over arguments.

Derringer Meryl [And I’ve waited for him so long] Out