Undone

Isn’t it funny… how everyone feels under valued and under appreciated….

That includes me. I have a major familial inferiority complex. I mean, when you have older brothers like Daxero, Wudan, and the Specialist (in no particular order of greatness) You find yourself wondering what kind of worth you bring into any situation. (forgive me any misspellings, the night time tremors hit me, and they’re getting hard to control) I mean, Dax, he’s a genius at Art. I mean it. He hasn’t been to any professional art schools or anything, but he knows a lot. I mean it too. he’s a freakish genius with both the computer art, and the hand work. It’s amazing…. and I get frustrated because I have all these images that i know could look so beautiful– but don’t ever come out through my retarded hands. They aren’t useful for much. They type, and pick at fat on my body, that’s about it.

Then There’s Wudan. He’s my youngest Older brother (that makes sense right?) and I’ve ALWAYS wanted to be good enough for him. I’ve aspired to traits that he has. I was on Literary Magazine, like him, but I wasn’t an editor, I was on Debate like him, but I wasn’ the captain, I tried collaging like him, and he only says it looks like a frat boy threw up. Like I said, hands are retarded. Very much so…. And I can’t ever be as good as him in anything. God, He was better at a religion he claims not to believe in anymore. I can’t even do that.

The Specialist, I have to admit, is the worst. Not that he’s bad, but i may have aspired to impress Wudan, but I lived to achieve approval from The Specialist. I have to admit, it drove me insane. I couldn’t keep up with his trends, and his music was louder than I was used to…. (I was used to the Little Mermaid, I was like, seven okay?) But I wanted him to say I was okay. That I could hang out with him without my mom having to ask if I could come along. I wanted to be part of the crew. The Specialist, He was an artist to be reckoned with as well. He could argue with the best of them– and I have no clue how he gets all of the facts in his brain to stay there. He knows countless facts and dates and times, and he’s rarely if ever wrong…. Not to mention he puts any of my cooking to shame with his simple chocolate chip cookies….

and I can’t ever be good enough. I can’t ever be part of my own family. I never really have been. I never worked right. Ihad hands that kept me from drawing, or being an artist, my mouth was too slow, and my witty comments misplaced…. All I had were my tears…. and their pity. They took me places– but you knew they didn’t want to. What teenage boy wanted to be saddled with the task of watching his younger sister while at the mall? I don’t blame them…

But the question is, why does it keep going this way, when I’m almost out of my teens, and they’re all well out of theirs? Three of the four of my brothers are married. …. and I have no pleasant memories of my childhood…. except… alone.

Yeah, some things may be hard for The three I named…. I wouldn’t doubt they all have their issues too. I mean, everyone does, right? At least I have the comfort of knowing that most of mine started at home.

Derringer Meryl [I don’t hate you] Out

Don’t you ever get tired of being brave? Putting on that happy smile face for the entire world. The Grin that just makes you feel like you should be hoping for peace on earth, not wanting to blow it to smithereens?

The smile that feels like it’s been pasted on your face for the benefit of some jackass who doesn’t care how you’re feeling really, he just wants to ooze you for every last cent. He is always looking for some loop hole to get through, some easy way to make some money.

Some lie to tell one girl, and lie again, so no one can trace him

Or God, could it be worse? the truth? The truth that someone is actually doing something besides homework this weekend. Someone is having a good time. Good God forbid….

He doesn’t read anymore, no time. It’s amazing how people run out of time. How I seem to find no time to do things i don’t like either. No time to figure out how he thinks, because all it does it make me unhappy because i know i never cross his mind EVER. Because why should i? Why should he think about me, or anything dealing with me? God. I can’t even walk into my bedroom without thinking about him. I have pictures, a stuffed animal– the entire scent of the room. God.

I hate myself for the things i do. If I could just stop thinking. stop moving, and just BE, maybe i’d have a decent chance at anything.

Red says How can i expect him to want to be more when we weren’t even much of anything except acquaintances before we … God. There isn’t even a we. Before he and I dated. Once. Dated. Past tense. So I can’t expect a whole lot.

I understand that. Part of my brain fully registers that. I see that.

But why do i forget it all when i think about him? good grief.

Screw this. I’m embarrassed at saying any of it.

Dido, White Flag

I know you think that I shouldn’t still love you,

I’ll tell you that.

But if I didn’t say it, well I’d still have felt it

where’s the sense in that?

I promise I’m not trying to make your life harder

Or return to where we were

Well I will go down with this ship

And I won’t put my hands up and surrender

There will be no white flag above my door

I’m in love and always will be

I know I left too much mess and

destruction to come back again

And I caused but nothing but trouble

I understand if you can’t talk to me again

And if you live by the rules of “it’s over”

then I’m sure that that makes sense

Well I will go down with this ship

And I won’t put my hands up and surrender

There will be no white flag above my door

I’m in love and always will be

And when we meet

Which I’m sure we will

All that was then

Will be there still

I’ll let it pass

And hold my tongue

And you will think

That I’ve moved on….

Well I will go down with this ship

And I won’t put my hands up and surrender

There will be no white flag above my door

I’m in love and always will be

Well I will go down with this ship

And I won’t put my hands up and surrender

There will be no white flag above my door

I’m in love and always will be

Well I will go down with this ship

And I won’t put my hands up and surrender

There will be no white flag above my door

I’m in love and always will be

One of my favorite songs at the moment. Don’t search for the CD it isn’t out yet.

Derringer Meryl [waiting for death to greet me] Out

The mouth is a unique part of the body. Its amazing how as a child we use it to explore things around us, and …. how even when we do not know how to ‘effectively’ communicate with others, it still works wonders.

Now at the age of eighteen, i wonder how to make it stop. For some unknown reason I spew all of my thoughts without even knowing it…. Like i black out and the mouth has control of my body and it says…. whatever it WANTS TO!

That leads us to the my thoughts on the Id. The Id sucks ass. and for some reason, my ego and super ego are no longer doing anything, it’s like they went on vacation!

and see, that may not seem like a dangerous thing ever, but people tell me stuff, I know stuff about myself, that i can’t seem to keep in. Random people who dont’ care about me whatsoever know things about me that others dont’, and they probably shouldn’t.

and Yeah. I mean, there’s a guy that works with Marco… I think his name is Sean, or something, but, he knows just as much about me as Marco does now. I think. Well pretty damn close.

Anyway. My mum says I can’t hang overnight at Red’s anymore. i think I’m old enough to make my own damn choices. I mean– if i want to hang at my friends house, with MY Friends, it’s my deal. Me. My choice. Red doesn’t control me, anything she’s mad about was my IDEA, I pushed it. Me.

Hello! Is there a world of ME in the choices i make. Maybe I am self involved. But HELL! Who isn’t? *Mumbles* Mum says I have no conscience… maybe it’s because i’ve never been in a situation scary enough to have to make a choice. Every thing is premade, already done, and I’m never faced with anything hard.

Sure, there’s the whole “Should I go to college, or not and get thrown out?” thing…. but no one in this house has the motzaballs to throw me out.

I just want to get AWAY! Because i can’t stand it here anymore. >_<;; I’m just so tired of all the running around and the chasing….

and OMG If I hear ONE More thing about me going to the singles ward so I can find a FINE upstanding Young man. . . .

I don’t want the Seminary President. I don’t want a guy who is going to smother me for the rest of my life with verses, and parables.

I want a guy who loves God, Like me, and loves me.

because i find that more important than if he went on a mission or not…. because i’m a sap who believes that true love will triumph over most anything… excluding infidelity.

Derringer Meryl [starry-eyed] Out

I guess I get lost in what i’m feeling sometimes. And I admit, for one week (or so) of every month, i’m incredibly introspective. I think about me, i’m angry, i’m happy, i hate everything, and love it all at the same time…

I’m not exactly even keel girl — and i guess it’s one of those pathetic girl cover ups, much akin to “I was just reading your shirt” guy cover ups. We have to blame our moody-ness on PMS, we can’t — or I can’t– admit that i’m grouchy because i don’t know how i’m feeling, or why– and I don’t know how to stop.

So I do it the only way I know how– I hole up in my room– i cut myself off from people, and despite how much i want to reach out to them, I’m always smacking myself back… I know what i want out of life, but i also know it’s not within my reach. I know, I can wish, and want, and desire until my brains fry– but all i’m going to end up with is fried brains, and that’s all.

I’ve been biting my nails again. Not a lot, but enough that i’ve noticed. I think it comes from being angry with myself. I know it’s been annoying Red lately, that i’ve been so moody. But I feel — i’ve been feeling — this way and i can’t get it out of my head.

Sometimes I feel like i’m talking to air. Like– not here, just in general. And I suppose it doesn’t help that i’m listening to my music list entitled “Depress Me” right now, but i think my feeling down-ness stems from something a little deeper– something i’m repressing– and actually something i’m fighting with myself about right now.

I did the same thing about a year ago. With HIM, except, it was understood by myself and others taht it was acceptable. The seclusion, it was okay. Now i want to curl up and hide from the world– except there’s no where to go, and i have the extreme lack of pneumonia. It sorta makes me wish I had it again. I know, I could go to the Hospital, and just make out like crazy with the sick people.

like i could do that.

Eh– I can’t hide at work, can’t hide at Red’s, Can’t hide at Monkey’s, can’t hide at school, there’s no where to run to–

no where to hide.

Derringer Meryl [I wish…we never] Out

So, it’s been a while. I splattered my heart, but lucky for me– that wasnt’ what hit the fan.

My insecure mind, along with the English language and the abuse thereof, caused me and my friend Red to fight. Er, fighting. Or something. It’s currently still a war that’s being waged. And part of me doesn’t want to try and fix it, because i know i’ll make it worse.

and that scares me. I’m not usually the fix it girl. I’m the incapable of fixing it girl. I guess it’s my own negative attitude that keeps me from having a good life, but I think to myself every night– “What have I done in my life, that makes me think that i deserve good things from life?” and i know the answer, and it’s the same every night as I roll over…

“Absolutely nothing.” I contribute nothing but pain and hurt into the world. I dont’ expect Kharma or the law of the harvest to give me good things, because I haven’t put any good into the world. I expect the worst, because I believe that’s what I deserve.

I don’t deserve a good friend like Red, so I make it up in my mind that there’s something wrong with her, and so– it’s justified.

I don’t know. I’m sick, and twisted– and i could be walking on cloud nine if I could just figure out — why I can’t trust my best friend. I need to. Yeah. She made a mistake, but DAMNIT, so did I. So do I…. I told Nym that she liked him. It was stupid and she kept trusting me with out missing a beat.

But I’m so scared. So many people have hurt me.

What can I do?

Derringer Meryl [If my eyes don’t decieve me] Out