Undone

So I’ve found, fairly obviously, that I have problems… relating to people. I am fairly self involved. I am not sure if this is a nurture/nature thing, but I’ve always been kind of turned inwards trying to constantly examine, and re-examine my own self. I’m like a computer stuck on an infinite loop of “Is something broken?” and if the answer is no, I’m not looking hard enough yet. If the answer is yes, then I have to work on how to fix it. All very… odd. I have theories about why I’m this way. But that isn’t really the point.

The point is: I have found that I relate well to people through media well. I used to think I was charming via text, but the reality is, i can still be awkward. I am excellent at manipulating what is already there. I am great at expounding on something given to me. I don’t lay good foundations, I am not great at STARTING something, but I’m awesome at continuing it. As terrible as it sounds, I’m great at being  a follower. I will follow your lead. Typically. Usually. even when it’s not a great idea. If I trust you. My convictions are strong, but I hold them close to my heart. I don’t share them. So don’t ask.
Things I am loathe to talk argue about: religion, God, Politics. I used to think it’s because I had no conviction. no opinion, no feelings on the matters; not strongly anyway. But it’s not really true. It’s because I’m so sure of them, I really have no interest in what you have to say, nor do I have any desire to have you try and tear me down for what I think.

In completely different news. I was thinking about my weight the other day. When amI not? Probably when I am buying and scarfing down junk food mostly. haha. Damn carbs. Anyway… I have always been acutely aware of an attitude of stubborness that I have that goes like this “don’t tell me what I can do, I’ll do what I want. If you tell me what I can and can’t do, I will go out of my way to prove you WRONG.”

Really not healthy. Is that being contrary? probably. It’s not like I’m that way about everything. I am, on occasion, naturally submissive. Like with my parents. I was not an overtly challenging child as far as rebellion goes (as far as mental health… that’s something else, isn’t it?). I just … the only person who holds me back (really) in life is me.I write as my house is cluttered and needs to be cleaned, I could be spending my time differently…I can blame the people who acted on me. Who broke me and stole things from me. Every little bite of something is “Oh Yeah, well you’re going to love me anyway, just you watch.”

I know though that you can’t run from the one person who is always disappointed in me. ME. I thought i’d be so much more. Something more. Published, or thinner, or … just anything but plain old me.

Maybe that’s why I keep searching for what’s broken. Because I desperately want for something to be different and special about me. If I was at least spectacularly broken, I’d have something.

Everything gets lost in time. When you’re little. People love you. Adore you. So cute! So little, and sweet. Time takes it all though. All the talents, and skills, and praise. All you’re left with is regret and insecurity.

Derringer Meryl [Things I discover.] Out

Let me preface by saying that there wouldn’t have been a wedding toast had my foot NOT been sliced open by my traitorous daughter and her tantrum because her glass was empty. But, here are a few things I wanted to say.

I have been lucky enough to have my best friend in the whole world (who I am not married to) living with me for over a year and a half. Drama Queen has been there for me and helped me through a really hard pregnancy, though some of the worst times of my life, to help me to remember, that it would be ok. That things would be ok. That I could make it through it. She has stayed up late and listened to me complain, taken care of my children like there were her own, given me the gift of her time. I know that it was hard for DQ to wait, for her mister right. That time was a blessing for me. I hope her family can forgive me for stealing her away. It means more to me than I could ever say. I am so happy for her. I want her to have all the happiness in the world, and I know that she’s found it with TT. I know she’ll be happy with him forever. I would not change a single thing about the time DQ spent with us. I appreciate and love her. I wish all the best for her. She is like the sister I never had, and I am glad she’s found her happily ever after.

———————

It’s all true. My house feels a little sadly empty and it seems like someone is missing. I have been gaining weight like there is no tomorrow. I’m not sure why. Other than the fact that my foot 1) still aches from the cut. odd, yes! and 2) has this huge disgusting wart on the bottom that prevents me from running as I’d like. I need to cut back, and drink water and get active. I’m like 2 pounds away from perma muumuu status. Seriously. I gotta get things together! first and foremost get this thing off my foot. I actually ENJOY running now, so I gotta get rid of the thing on my foot so I can run again. I like to do it barefoot, or with socks on, which usually makes real runners go “NOOOOOOOOOO! DONT DO IT!!” because it’s some sort of bad for you. But all I can think is “well we did it for millions of years prior to nike being invented, and we survived, so I’m sure I’ll be fine running on my treadmill with just socks on.”

Things feel different now days. Not good, not bad, just a weird uncomfortable different. I feel like a lost satellite floating in space. Untethered. It’s an odd feeling. Like I don’t belong anywhere in particular. It may just be my medicine being off kilter, because nothing makes me feel more grounded than my kids, and I don’t mean that in a bad way, not at all. I just look into their faces when i come home from work, and i’m just stunned. Stunned that someone could love me so unyeildingly. without exception. Sure Katie gets mad at me sometimes, and huffs about how I told her to clean her toys up… but she loves me. No matter what. I think I may go work out now….

People say things like they’re giving up something for their kids, or they’re doing it for their kids, when really they should do it for themselves… Why can’t we do that? why can’t I find the motivation inside of myself to do something for myself. I have felt a lot of guilt about my weight. Both now and in the past. I think now, I look at myself in the mirror and all I can think is “I don’t want them to be ashamed of me.” But the truth is, when was I ever ashamed of my mother? Never. She was always… withdrawn and down on herself enough (No offense mom, but you did talk bad about your looks a lot!) I try to love myself inspite of my curves. I try to find something I love anyway. When I started this year, in Feb, i was at my lowest weight that I’d been at in 5 years. I am now at the highest weight I’ve ever been at, well at least when not expecting. I don’t hate myself for my weight gain. I am disappointed. I know I could do better. I know I’m letting my emotions and my chemical imbalance RULE my body. I have to take care of myself NOW or It’s going to be MUCH harder to take care of later.

Ok really now. Off to find 1) an inspiration piece, and then 2) to make my wii work 😀

Derringer Meryl [give a little whoo whoo] Out

I thought I’d post about me wanting to implement some good changes in my life. Such as stopping drinking diet coke (i’m allowing myself one can a day until my cans are gone, cause I have a lot of them)  and I’m going to make proactive choices of taking the stairs instead of the elevator at work, and such.

Additionally (and the hardest to stick to) I will be waking up early to exercise. I think I will probably switch between walking on the treadmill and using wii fit. Mostly so I don’t get bored.  This means I will probably be getting up at 5-6 am just to exercise. I hope to do it daily, but I might have to simmer it down to three times a week at best. simply because I love me some sleepin’. I don’t love being overweight though.

Derringer Meryl [what what?!] Out

Everyone thinks it’s weird that Audrey is Gigi to me… Since Katie and I (and DQ as well) call her Awgee, I think it works. I did like the nickname Ree (see thepioneerwoman.com, she is called Ree) but it could quickly (as my mother pointed out) spin off into Ree-Ree, and I don’t particularly like that.

She is peacefully sleeping in the pack and play next to the computer.

Something I didn’t realize with Katie — newborns are easy. I feed her, I change her. She manages herself other than that fairly well (though she doesn’t like it when I eat spicy food) The main problem with having a second child is the first child. Katie adores Audrey to the tippiest tip of her toes to the tippiest tip of her nose. She loves her all over, however, she doesn’t particularly love sharing attention. She’s not outright mean to Audrey, however Katie is outright mean to me. *sigh* and Scott, and pretty much anyone else she gets in arms length of. Katie just needs more attention. I applaud my mom and dad for being so willing to take her and have her stay with them. It has been helpful, and I got a great day out yesterday from it. I finally got my hair cut and a few other things. I got a new shirt (which I love. I will shop more at that store if I lose more weight) and a teddy bear for Audrey from Great Grandma. I went to lunch with DQ, and even got to go visit a friend of mine who I hadn’t gotten to see in a while. I did take Audrey with me, but with the amount of time we spent away from the house– it’s for the best we did. 🙂

I appreciate greatly everyone who has helped us with easing into Audrey being here. Everyone who brought us food, or presents, or toys for Katie. Everyone who brought food for Scott in the hospital, who came to see is in the hospital.

Audrey is growing well, I’m losing weight well, all is well. I have a whole month of time off left. I’m pleased.

Derringer Meryl [not looking forward] Out

I think it just must be heavy news week or month, or something.

I think I might have a problem. I dont’ want anyone to have a heart attack, or anything…. Cause I’m healthy, and i’m not pregnant (so no worries on that front) and Yeah, i’m still living in my in-law’s basement. It kinda deals with that… in a way.

I think I have problems eating. *Waits for the laughter to die down* I mean, I don’t think I’m anorexic (Cause I sure as heck don’t look like Mary Kate or Ashley Olsen) and I know I’m not bulemic because I don’t throw up– but I still think my eating isnt’ healthy. I’m just gonna lay it out like it is.

I go for long periods of time not eating. Fairly long periods of time. Like entire days. I’d like to say it’s because of depression or something like that– but honestly life isn’t that bad. Sadly, and sickly, it’s a fairly concious thing for me. I don’t fit into any of my clothes anymore. I find myself disgusting to look at. My Face and neck are getting fatter and I can’t stand it.

I can’t stand myself.

Derringer Meryl [feeling stupid and moronic] Out