Undone

Let me preface by saying that there wouldn’t have been a wedding toast had my foot NOT been sliced open by my traitorous daughter and her tantrum because her glass was empty. But, here are a few things I wanted to say.

I have been lucky enough to have my best friend in the whole world (who I am not married to) living with me for over a year and a half. Drama Queen has been there for me and helped me through a really hard pregnancy, though some of the worst times of my life, to help me to remember, that it would be ok. That things would be ok. That I could make it through it. She has stayed up late and listened to me complain, taken care of my children like there were her own, given me the gift of her time. I know that it was hard for DQ to wait, for her mister right. That time was a blessing for me. I hope her family can forgive me for stealing her away. It means more to me than I could ever say. I am so happy for her. I want her to have all the happiness in the world, and I know that she’s found it with TT. I know she’ll be happy with him forever. I would not change a single thing about the time DQ spent with us. I appreciate and love her. I wish all the best for her. She is like the sister I never had, and I am glad she’s found her happily ever after.

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It’s all true. My house feels a little sadly empty and it seems like someone is missing. I have been gaining weight like there is no tomorrow. I’m not sure why. Other than the fact that my foot 1) still aches from the cut. odd, yes! and 2) has this huge disgusting wart on the bottom that prevents me from running as I’d like. I need to cut back, and drink water and get active. I’m like 2 pounds away from perma muumuu status. Seriously. I gotta get things together! first and foremost get this thing off my foot. I actually ENJOY running now, so I gotta get rid of the thing on my foot so I can run again. I like to do it barefoot, or with socks on, which usually makes real runners go “NOOOOOOOOOO! DONT DO IT!!” because it’s some sort of bad for you. But all I can think is “well we did it for millions of years prior to nike being invented, and we survived, so I’m sure I’ll be fine running on my treadmill with just socks on.”

Things feel different now days. Not good, not bad, just a weird uncomfortable different. I feel like a lost satellite floating in space. Untethered. It’s an odd feeling. Like I don’t belong anywhere in particular. It may just be my medicine being off kilter, because nothing makes me feel more grounded than my kids, and I don’t mean that in a bad way, not at all. I just look into their faces when i come home from work, and i’m just stunned. Stunned that someone could love me so unyeildingly. without exception. Sure Katie gets mad at me sometimes, and huffs about how I told her to clean her toys up… but she loves me. No matter what. I think I may go work out now….

People say things like they’re giving up something for their kids, or they’re doing it for their kids, when really they should do it for themselves… Why can’t we do that? why can’t I find the motivation inside of myself to do something for myself. I have felt a lot of guilt about my weight. Both now and in the past. I think now, I look at myself in the mirror and all I can think is “I don’t want them to be ashamed of me.” But the truth is, when was I ever ashamed of my mother? Never. She was always… withdrawn and down on herself enough (No offense mom, but you did talk bad about your looks a lot!) I try to love myself inspite of my curves. I try to find something I love anyway. When I started this year, in Feb, i was at my lowest weight that I’d been at in 5 years. I am now at the highest weight I’ve ever been at, well at least when not expecting. I don’t hate myself for my weight gain. I am disappointed. I know I could do better. I know I’m letting my emotions and my chemical imbalance RULE my body. I have to take care of myself NOW or It’s going to be MUCH harder to take care of later.

Ok really now. Off to find 1) an inspiration piece, and then 2) to make my wii work 😀

Derringer Meryl [give a little whoo whoo] Out

I changed my mind….

From what to what?

I’m sure you’ll all breathe a sigh of relief that I’m not going to dye my hair…. yet. I looked in the mirror last night and I felt gorgeous, and I thought… “I can’t dye my hair when I look like this.” Mostly because while I felt beautiful and relaxed, i also thought “I’m TOO big to dye my hair funky colors” if I’m going to do it I’m going to be skinny and sassy.

So Look for crazy hair about 20 minutes after I lose 80 lbs. haha. I’m trying, again. Every day, every meal, I make a choice about my diet. It’s not a “I’ll do it tomorrow thing” it’s a continuous effort of “SHould I eat this? Should I be eating this much?” I”ll just have to keep trying.

Derringer Meryl [Hair] Out

I’ll be honest, my pessimism brings me down, a lot. (as we discussed in my last post) but a wonderful lady from my message board suggested a 30 day no negativity challenge. I think this will be great to go hand in hand with my 35 day (ish) losing weight challenge before DQ’s wedding. Gotta do it.

I can’t believe it, i ran a mile last night. I wasn’t winded from it… but my throat felt like it it was going to close up. My Co-worker and I are speculating that it may be because i was breathing in dry air, and then the moist air of my shower relaxed my throat. In any case, I am going to oscillate through a few different exercises. First, running on the tredmil, probably Monday and Tuesdays, easy peasy. Wednesday and Thursday will be wii fit, and Friday will be Julian’s Shred, which kicks my butt, two days of rest and good eating (healthy eating, ;)) and then start all over. I think we all know that two days is a good amount of time to recover from Julian’s Shred. She’ll kick your booty. No time to rest in her work outs. she talks at you while she jumps around. But I’m excited. After 35 days, i may calm my exercise schedule down, but I want to continue. Exercise will naturally keep me feeling happier, thanks to endorphins.

and you know what? if I don’t stay with my rigorous schedule, if I miss a day, or don’t feel like it sometimes, it’s OK. Really. Because I’m not perfect. And while that sounds a bit like a cop out, or an excuse, it’s not. It’s reality. I’m not perfect, and I’ll do my best to stick with it, and drink my water instead of diet coke, I’ll probably make a few mistakes, and that’s OK 🙂 As long as I start over and try again! 🙂

Failure isn’t when you don’t achieve your goals, it’s when you stop trying to.

I can already feel that this 30 day no negativity is going to be awesome. I LOVE MY LIFE!! 🙂 It’s hard, but worth it! 😀

Derringer Meryl [Feeling Very Up] Out