Undone

Where can I complain.

I have food issues. I’m fairly sure I’ve talked about some of my food quirks before. Like disliking to eat in front of people I don’t know well. That’s a big one, It’s a dumb one, let’s be honest.

That one is kind of shallow, don’t you think? I’m talking about a BIG issue. Emotional eating. I do this. I eat when I’m bored, I eat when I’m happy, I eat when I’m sad. Pretty much the equation goes like this:

Feeling something=eat something. What I eat is almost always fattening (on occasion I will feel fat and will eat veggies or a salad, but I think both you and I know salads are rarely THAT healthy, especially when purchased at a restaurant) additionally I used to feel VERY guilty about the things I ate, and that would cause me to eat more. See how that doesn’t work? The additional problem that I have is when I take a bad behavior away (like drinking diet coke, or eating nasty greasy burgers) which are small bad behaviors, the energy for those bad behaviors says “oh, well since I’m not doing that anymore… I should put this into a worse behavior” If you’ve seen the hogfather it’s a bit like that. What happens is everyone stops believing in the Hogfather (who is essentially Santa Claus) and that excess of belief (that has now been freed up) goes to new Gods and creatures like the OhGod of Hangovers.

I’m getting off topic. I’m just saying that when I try to be good at food, I’m much worse at other things. I have a finite amount of goodness, and really being thin isn’t that important. Which is complete BS. Because it is important. Lots of things are important. it’s important that I work to get healthy now, or I’m going to have the health of an 80 year old when I’m 40, and I’ll keel over. Which is part 2. I hate making time for myself. I have a lot of mommy guilt. Scott and I’s lives are … strange and hectic, and dumb. I should run when I get home, or walk, or something. Instead I plunge into the 2 million other things that are “important” like homework, writing, dinner, laundry, and some semblance of cleaning or “me” time.  I should find more time for myself. I need to. Or I will have crappy bones when I’m 40 and I’ll be sick every day, and Have to take a million pills which will cost a million dollars and honestly we have enough health issues in our family without me adding to it. I don’t want diabetes, especially not type two. Scott wouldn’t let me live it down.

I need to spend a bit of time writing and running, somehow at the same time. So maybe I’ll allot myself 1 hr at night to run and think about ONE specific character, their background, how they look, what their role is in the story, etc etc. I need to work it out.

I need to work out

Not a new years resolution. Just a statement. As of tomorrow, I’ll be back on Naniwrimo (January edition) I’ll be obnoxious I”m sure. But that’s ok. What else would I be?

Derringer Meryl [all apologies] out