Undone

about the sudden upbeat “I can Do it” Adittude. Scott woke up this morning with a serious case of the blues. This awoke me to the fact that, wow, Scott thinks it sucks here too. He loves me, and I should be doing more to get us the hell out of here.

So I am.

I love Scott’s family. While I don’t exactly love living with them here. We have no real technical walls, we have no privacy, not even a bathroom of our own really. (There is a case of slight sharing) There is no carpet, there is no sunlight… nothing. We can’t cook anything to eat after a certain time because we might wake his parents, we can’t stick anything on the walls because a) no walls, and b) stuff won’t stick to cement. *sighs*

So yeah. LIfe here sucks. I’m doing my best to improve it. I really want Scott to feel better. I want him to smile and not worry… So I even applied at convergys. DUN DUN DUN!

Derringer Meryl [That’s the power of love] Out

2004-07-26 – 12:14 p.m.

I’m getting annoyed with myself. I’m being pathetic. Disgustingly so. Wallowing in my own self pity and whining to anyone who will hear me. I’m tired of it. Whining isn’t turning anything better than it is, it’s only bringing me down more.

What’s more, it’s not really helping Scott. He doesn’t want to be in the basement anymore than I do. I love working at GS but that job isn’t going anywhere anytime soon. I love it, sure, but my job that I love isn’t taking me anywhere. I have to grow up. I want an apartment, I’m gonna have to fucking work for it. So here I go.

I want to live some place nice.

Derringer Meryl [Not Giving Up Yet] Out

Congrats to Red on her Engagement. 🙂 I wish only the best for her and Rus. Oh– and pretty much everyone knew it’d happen. 🙂

I should archive this LOOOONG blog entry. *shrugs*

I had a good cry this morning… followed by falling back to sleep and a panic attack. I tend to have panic attacks if I wake up and Scott’s not there. I think it stems from a lot of self loathing. Scott says his basement lends itsself well to self loathing, and depression. I heartily agree. *coughs*

Lately I’ve been wondering, people who hear voices, what they sound like. Do they sound like themselves, or another person. And all in all, I’ve been wondering if I’m fucking insane (Sorry for all of you who dispise swearing, I usually try to keep it tame here, but honestly, i’m at the end of my rope) *sighs* Sometimes (like this morning) I can hear myself (sorta like an inner mantra, I guess) telling myself how much I’m worth nothing. How I don’t know how Scott can stand me. ETC ETC ETC. I seem to get that vibe from some people. That i’m just not worth much at all. Anyway… It usually starts with something simple. This morning it was my annoying lack of job-ness. I feel lazy for not having a job– and worthless. Like I’m not doing my share of the work. A burden. A horrible wife all in all. Just pretty much a scum sucking toad bag (or something pretty bad all around) So I cry. Because I don’t know how to make myself good enough. For everyone. For Scott, for his friends, for my family, my friends.

Cause no matter what, I’m just not good enough.

I don’t feel like that all the time. Just– alot of the time.

Derringer Meryl [No repentance for the truly sinful] Out

things have been getting tense around here lately. Even though Scott and I have closed our window, spiders still rampage our house. Wildly. I’m going insane in the basement (shocker there) While I’m being encoraged to apply at… well anywhere. Much more poor-dom, and I’ll have to whore out small children.

Or work at walmart… same dif.

I’m trying my hardest here, to be a good wife and companion. I’m just going insane. I’ve never coped very well with change at all, and now… well, right now is the monster change of everything ever. New house, new parents, new husband (First and only, might i add), new friends, new valley, new/old job, new co-workers… blah

I’m just exhausted. I’m tired of all the change and all the stuff I’ve had to give up. Honestly… I just want to run away and hide and cry…. I just want to sob.

I know I’m a whiner. I really don’t have anything to be complaining about. Scott’s a great husband, and as far as I know, the best there ever will be. I just get exhausted. So tired of how it is here. How life is right now, I just want to go away. Very far away.

Maybe I should go lay down.

Derringer Meryl [sob-o-rama] Out

Alright, I suck. I forgot Red’s birthday. I’d like to claim the hubbub of getting married and what not got in my way and what not, but that’d just be a lame excuse.

I don’t know what day it is, I barely have a grasp of what month it is.

I thought it was at the end of the month. *shrugs at her own mistake* I can’t really comfortably call long distance from here.

Once again, excuses, I don’t feel like making them. I could be vindictive and angry and what not, but all of that seems very pointless when I dont’ really care about the past. It sucks, whatever.

But Red said it best, that we are different people now. Not that we aren’t friends anymore, I dont’ ever want to say that… We just aren’t who we were before…. It’s just the way things are. *shrugs*

Sorry if it sounds like i’m not sorry, because I am sorry. I’m sorry I missed Red’s birthday, and I’m sorry I’m so far away. I’m sorry I didnt’ get to go to Lagoon with you… I suck rocks, once again.

Derringer Meryl [so…] Out