i’m not going to beg anymore

Alright, I suck. I forgot Red’s birthday. I’d like to claim the hubbub of getting married and what not got in my way and what not, but that’d just be a lame excuse.

I don’t know what day it is, I barely have a grasp of what month it is.

I thought it was at the end of the month. *shrugs at her own mistake* I can’t really comfortably call long distance from here.

Once again, excuses, I don’t feel like making them. I could be vindictive and angry and what not, but all of that seems very pointless when I dont’ really care about the past. It sucks, whatever.

But Red said it best, that we are different people now. Not that we aren’t friends anymore, I dont’ ever want to say that… We just aren’t who we were before…. It’s just the way things are. *shrugs*

Sorry if it sounds like i’m not sorry, because I am sorry. I’m sorry I missed Red’s birthday, and I’m sorry I’m so far away. I’m sorry I didnt’ get to go to Lagoon with you… I suck rocks, once again.

Derringer Meryl [so…] Out

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Lucky Me

I love reflecting back. I love to see how far I’ve come. I know i’ve already done one of these… but– Red mentioned that we’re different people now than we were a year ago, and i’d like to give her a hardy yes.

Not necessarily on her part, but on mine.

Going away to college makes people grow up and change. You deal with bills and just… a million things. Roommates, and drama. In Red’s case, she’s been to states I’ve never been too. Dealt with a lot more than I have. It’s just that. It’s not that one of us is more mature or experienced than the other, just different types.

(In Response to her though, I knew she was considering Catholicism (sp?) and that she was reading the Bible. I keep tabs, hun.)

As for me– My Red hang out days were possibly my wildest. I mean I wasn’t flashing oncoming cars or whatever… but I was wild, for me anyway. I was zany. I was very much alive. I did some things I regret, but those were of no consequence of Red. *winks* Simply the great manipulator.

I wanted to do something bad. Something wrong. So I did things I’d never done before. They weren’t sinful. They weren’t dirty. But I don’t care to divulge them either.

I was uninhibited. and I loved it. Every moment. Feeling like oxygen was burning my lungs.

Not all of my wild stuff could be linked to Red though. My first ever (and last i’m positive) run in with Pot. (Other kids were smoking some while I was trying to write in my journal as we sluffed class. I swear to God.) I sluffed a ton of classes. I mean a ton.

I had whole days where I attended one class. Seminary. Ironic, isnt’ it?

The teachers didn’t care…. I spent time trying to figure out the male mind by reading Maxim with Red on Monkey’s Couch.

I still dont’ understand those men. My man, isn’t like them. I only know a few of those Men. Very few.

If someone had told me a year ago, as I was graduating that I would be married in the Salt Lake Temple To a wonderful man who loves me beyond all belief…

I would have laughed until my face hurt.

For the millionth time, I’m sure you’re tired of it, but i love Scott. There are no words to describe it. None in my vocabulary anyway. All of them seem so tired and over used. None of them are bright or brilliant enough to describe exactly what I have.

Derringer Meryl [Lucky Me] Out

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