Undone

Congrats to Red on her Engagement. 🙂 I wish only the best for her and Rus. Oh– and pretty much everyone knew it’d happen. 🙂

I should archive this LOOOONG blog entry. *shrugs*

I had a good cry this morning… followed by falling back to sleep and a panic attack. I tend to have panic attacks if I wake up and Scott’s not there. I think it stems from a lot of self loathing. Scott says his basement lends itsself well to self loathing, and depression. I heartily agree. *coughs*

Lately I’ve been wondering, people who hear voices, what they sound like. Do they sound like themselves, or another person. And all in all, I’ve been wondering if I’m fucking insane (Sorry for all of you who dispise swearing, I usually try to keep it tame here, but honestly, i’m at the end of my rope) *sighs* Sometimes (like this morning) I can hear myself (sorta like an inner mantra, I guess) telling myself how much I’m worth nothing. How I don’t know how Scott can stand me. ETC ETC ETC. I seem to get that vibe from some people. That i’m just not worth much at all. Anyway… It usually starts with something simple. This morning it was my annoying lack of job-ness. I feel lazy for not having a job– and worthless. Like I’m not doing my share of the work. A burden. A horrible wife all in all. Just pretty much a scum sucking toad bag (or something pretty bad all around) So I cry. Because I don’t know how to make myself good enough. For everyone. For Scott, for his friends, for my family, my friends.

Cause no matter what, I’m just not good enough.

I don’t feel like that all the time. Just– alot of the time.

Derringer Meryl [No repentance for the truly sinful] Out