Undone

So I’ve found, fairly obviously, that I have problems… relating to people. I am fairly self involved. I am not sure if this is a nurture/nature thing, but I’ve always been kind of turned inwards trying to constantly examine, and re-examine my own self. I’m like a computer stuck on an infinite loop of “Is something broken?” and if the answer is no, I’m not looking hard enough yet. If the answer is yes, then I have to work on how to fix it. All very… odd. I have theories about why I’m this way. But that isn’t really the point.

The point is: I have found that I relate well to people through media well. I used to think I was charming via text, but the reality is, i can still be awkward. I am excellent at manipulating what is already there. I am great at expounding on something given to me. I don’t lay good foundations, I am not great at STARTING something, but I’m awesome at continuing it. As terrible as it sounds, I’m great at being  a follower. I will follow your lead. Typically. Usually. even when it’s not a great idea. If I trust you. My convictions are strong, but I hold them close to my heart. I don’t share them. So don’t ask.
Things I am loathe to talk argue about: religion, God, Politics. I used to think it’s because I had no conviction. no opinion, no feelings on the matters; not strongly anyway. But it’s not really true. It’s because I’m so sure of them, I really have no interest in what you have to say, nor do I have any desire to have you try and tear me down for what I think.

In completely different news. I was thinking about my weight the other day. When amI not? Probably when I am buying and scarfing down junk food mostly. haha. Damn carbs. Anyway… I have always been acutely aware of an attitude of stubborness that I have that goes like this “don’t tell me what I can do, I’ll do what I want. If you tell me what I can and can’t do, I will go out of my way to prove you WRONG.”

Really not healthy. Is that being contrary? probably. It’s not like I’m that way about everything. I am, on occasion, naturally submissive. Like with my parents. I was not an overtly challenging child as far as rebellion goes (as far as mental health… that’s something else, isn’t it?). I just … the only person who holds me back (really) in life is me.I write as my house is cluttered and needs to be cleaned, I could be spending my time differently…I can blame the people who acted on me. Who broke me and stole things from me. Every little bite of something is “Oh Yeah, well you’re going to love me anyway, just you watch.”

I know though that you can’t run from the one person who is always disappointed in me. ME. I thought i’d be so much more. Something more. Published, or thinner, or … just anything but plain old me.

Maybe that’s why I keep searching for what’s broken. Because I desperately want for something to be different and special about me. If I was at least spectacularly broken, I’d have something.

Everything gets lost in time. When you’re little. People love you. Adore you. So cute! So little, and sweet. Time takes it all though. All the talents, and skills, and praise. All you’re left with is regret and insecurity.

Derringer Meryl [Things I discover.] Out