Undone

Seriously might be buying my own copy of “go the F*** to sleep”  Cause that is all I feel like saying tonight. It is an hour after I put the girls to bed, and they are BOTH still awake. RIDICULOUS. “Oh mom, it’s the only night you get to spend with Dad? LET ME STAY UP ALL NIGHT!!!” Good grief.

I didn’t get Sundays off at work. NO ONE got a shift change really. Which is annoying. I have to wait until August, which frankly, is just too long. TOO LONG I SAY.

I was formulating some awesome blog post earlier, but didn’t get it out of my brain in time. Oh well. I have been looking/drooling over other quilts to make. I think Sukie is making me quilt hungry. Which is sad. I envy people and their hobbies. I am also (admittedly) baby hungry, but that is a whole other kettle of fish that I am squashing as I’d like to lose weight and I’d like to not be working. Both things are not happening any time soon.

We are hoping for a boy next time. I would NOT know what to do with a boy. SERIOUSLY. I was lost with the girls, but I kind of just went with the “do as I’m doing” thing, I’m a girl, I vaguely recall things my mother did for me… So… that works out. I however was not privy to any boy raisings (except of older boys, and it seemed to involve a lot of breaking of things, roughhousing, “not in my house”-ing, and various other parental stereotypes. Also boys seem to have a lot of poor judgement. No offense! I wasn’t the queen of good judgement either. Geezy)  But I am quashing this feeling as much as possible. Please don’t ask me about babies. If I don’t want to hold your baby, it’s because I want to keep it. Kind of. So I’m just trying to ignore that pregnant women exist and babies. I’m taking the “lalalala you don’t exist” method of making it through the next year and a half.

We were talking about gym’s the other day at work. Everyone agrees, hands down that GOLDS GYM IS A SCAM, but that you can occasionally bully them into a good deal. I am not a bully type person. I am pretty much OK with the fact that I am not a person who bullies. I don’t stand up for myself, mostly as I don’t consider myself a person. This may seem odd to admit, I am some sort of thing… that has some personal rights (ie, I have a right to say no when I am violently opposed to something… like rape, or abuse, or some sort of overall damaging event like that) but that I don’t have other basic rights, like time to myself (encompassing, time to get ready, time to take a shower, time to relax, etc) or to have an opinion about things. I should just sit down, shut up, and go with the majority. I do. A LOT OF THE TIME. I don’t haggle prices. I don’t say things to people like “this food was gross, i demand a refund!” I privately tell whomever I’m with that what I’m eating is disgusting — and just don’t finish it ….unless I’m famished. Then maybe. EXAMPLE: Before a book release DQ and I were eating dinner (brinner) at a Village Inn, I noticed my bread was moldy (I was having french toast) and just didn’t eat it. which sucked. I was TOO chicken to tell anyone. (which is dumb, why wouldn’t I say something, why pay for something that came to me gross!?!)  But all the same, I didn’t say anything DQ did. Cause I’m just not like that. I take life as it comes. I don’t say “HEY, this isn’t right!!” Or, in the words of Cave Johnson …

When life gives you lemons, don’t make lemonade. Make life take the lemons back. GET MAD! I DON’T WANT YOUR DAMN LEMONS! WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO WITH THESE?! DEMAND TO SEE LIFE’S MANAGER! Make life RUE the day it thought it could give CAVE JOHNSON LEMONS! DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM?! I’M THE MAN WHO’S GONNA BURN YOUR HOUSE DOWN! WITH THE LEMONS! I’m gonna get my engineers to invent a combustible lemon that’s gonna BURN YOUR HOUSE DOWN!

I don’t ask to see life’s manager. Life is probably hating it’s job just as much as I dislike having to work as well (I like my job, I hate working) why should I get in someone’s face about an issue when it’s not their fault either? Stuff happens. Why throw a fit? It’s just going to raise my blood pressure and make me more likely to have a heart attack.

Now you might be saying “But instead you just sit there and fume and worry about things. Don’t you think it’d be more healthy to get it out there? Maybe not angrily, but out is better than in right?”

Probably. But I think people who go around spewing their problems and dropping it in someone else’s lap are irresponsible. Maybe my thought doesn’t carry. Let’s see. Let’s go off of the Moldy french toast thing. So If I had manned up myself and said “this isn’t good. I’m not paying for it.” myself instead of DQ doing it,  then what happens? I imagine it doesn’t come out of the waitresses pay, it’s not her responsibility to make sure stuff is fresh, but it does come out of the corporate restaurant’s budget. they just lost that $9 or whatever because they paid someone to cook it and serve it, but didn’t get comped for it. So that’s gotta suck there, I guess, instead of me taking responsibility for it, I’m putting it back where it goes. How was I in control of that situation? How would I (or could I) know that their bread was going bad? Inspected the Kitchen? WHO THE HECK DO YOU THINK I AM? Gordon Ramsey? HECK NO! They’d turn me out and ask me never to come back. Bleh.

Anyway. Maybe I should stand up for myself. I’ll play the game of “Who should be responsible here?” and if there isn’t anyone to put the blame back to reasonably, I’ll keep my mouth shut 😉

Derringer Meryl [good luck and good night] Out