Undone

I (almost daily) have a panic about my c-section. It’s not really a gripping panic attack (which I’ve had before, even at work, about nothing or anything) it’s just this feeling under the surface of my skin that seems to beg me to write this blog post. My brain says “Just ask. Asking is ok!” and another part ofme that apparently has so much pride I don’t know where it’s coming from, because honestly I don’t consider myself a prideful person says “Don’t. That’s rude. Asking is rude.”

But apparently my need for panic has over ridden my pride, or even a sense of prudence. I dont’ know who reads this blog (well I know who comments, and I know my lovin’ mom reads it– cause she’s sweet.) but I’m panicking about when I get home from the hospital… then what?
You’ve heard me mention that I want to freeze up some food and keep it. Good idea! haven’t done it yet. Will probably do it late June.

My biggest fear is… my stairs. Dumb thing to be scared of? quite possibly. Some patients are told by their doctors to not use the stairs at all. That leaves me either upstairs all the time, or downstairs all the time. (Though techically I’d have to use the stairs to get downstairs.) I’m afraid of 6 weeks stuck alone in my house with Katie and Audrey (or as of yet unnamed baby Boy. I keep having dreams it’s a boy.) really when I think about it, that fear is PRETTY unfounded, because even if Scott doesn’t take work off, he’s still at home during the day, I didn’t have him run and do so much for me at night as I did during the day… But I know Katie needs to get out and do stuff, and I know Scott will be pretty exhausted from work/being a new daddy again SO, if anyone feels the need to help, and you think “Oh she’s probably not needing me coming to stare at her house and her nursing 24/7, and that’s just weird” and you want to help but you don’t necissarily know what to do? Please just come play with my Katie. I’m scared she will be lacking attention and all the fawning she’s used to and will be intensely jealous. Come and get her and her little red wagon and drag her around the street, or come and take her to the park which is like 2 minutes away– Take her to Costco with you when you run to get milk or any other quick chore that you don’t mind extending a few (haha, or a bunch of) extra minutes.  Play a puzzle with her in her room…. whatever. All of these things, GOOD THINGS!

I realize everyone in existance can’t come over and help. If you can, please do. I don’t care if y ou even do anything as long as I get visitors. I was very lonely when I had Katie, but Scott was at work more and I didn’t have a two year old, and I didn’t have … STAIRS.
I am planning (hopefully) to nest downstairs with our TV, our lappy and a sturdy surface for holding things (ie food, drinks etc) I remember there were often times that I fell asleep nursing Katie on our couch. I plan for this to continue. Laying down is too hard at first. sitting up in a recliner or on a couch is the way to go!! 😀 I’m excited to have my baby. I’m nervous, I’m nerve-wracked, It’s weird to think it’s only 2 months away!! (or less if I go into labor!!)

I’m so enthused! I feel like I might actually know what i”m doing this time! I’m nervous because it might all be completely different!!

Derringer Meryl [Nerves] Out