Undone

I hear this a lot.  Don’t you WANT to stay at home with your kids?

I will be upfront: yes. That’s the short answer.

The VERY long answer is this:

I have two kids and a house to pay for, in addition to the convenience of having money… I think we’re a bit addicted to it. I love the company I work for. I do. The people I work with are amazing, and great people. I have a good boss, and a company that cares about me as a person and wants to continue my development. Twenty-two year old Meryl would have been SO enthused. This was all I wanted. I wanted to be a trainer, and to work and be vital to the workings of a company.

it’s just one of those “be careful what you wish for” i guess. I feel stressed. Like a million knots have been tied in my stomach. It hurts! I’m getting older (everyone does, and it’s not so cool now as it was when I was 11) and each year I find I’m getting less sleep. I wish i was getting more, but it’s always less, and the wild swinging schedules are killing me. But I will keep doing them, because I”m a woman of my word. I said I would, and honestly, I don’t think I could go back (or maybe I would?)

When my former Boss asks me “How are you liking working for your new boss?” and wants my honest opinion, I give it to him. I feel like a house divided, and quite frankly I’m not standing up to that very well. I am tired, A LOT. I’m trying to adapt, and it takes a lot of work. It’s just the adjustment period. I’m just … I’m trying. All the while it keeps ringing back….

Don’t you want to stay at home?

Yes. I do. and it always turns out to be a “someday” or a “soon” and even “I should be able to {insert future date}” I wouldn’t mind working at some menial job (grocery and retail, whatever) part time. I need something lower stress. I need something healthier. It’s almost 6 years past when I wanted to stop working.

I keep going. I am beginning to think it’ll never stop.

Derringer Meryl [I’m a sad face] Out

and in my heart.

Mostly I feel like writing this out because saying it aloud to people feels petty and stupid. But it churns through my mind as I complete mindless tasks (like the painting I did today. It looks fab BTW) all i can focus on is the things I dont’ have. This isn’t… healthy to say the least. I try to remind myself (as I learned from Veggie Tales) that a thankful heart is a happy heart and envy just breeds depression. That’s the last thing I need. REALLY.

Still.

I don’t feel UNHAPPY per say with where my life is. I like my job, even though it stresses me out. Frequently. But I enjoy what I do even though there is little return on my investment of time (IMO). It’s fulfilling to know that half of the department I train in was trained by me. I love coming home too, everyone is so excited to see me. I suppose that would go away, should I ever become a stay at home mom like I want.

It’d be something rough to give up– but I would love to … so I think I could give up the mommy excitement for 10 minutes before screaming ensued. I know the grass is always greener crap. But the idea of not having to stay up to all hours of the night to do laundry/talk with my husband because it’s the only time we have together… that sounds nice to me.

Something else that’s difficult for me. This is an issue I’ve been secretly skirting for a while now. It’s really hard for me. REALLY.

I would L-O-V-E to be pregnant right now. There is one thing I learned from having a miscarriage it is you never ask someone when they’re having a kid. You don’t know what personal struggles their going through. Why they aren’t. So if you’re not close, don’t ask. I always act like the idea is… abhorrent to me, because it has to be. I want to stay at home when I’m pregnant next. NOT TO MENTION the fact that 3 kids and one husband staying at home all day when he needs to sleep is … just a REALLY bad idea. So I am working, every day, toward the goal of staying home. I want to stay home. I want to have another baby (my last) while staying home.

Please don’t ask me how long away that is. Please don’t. It hurts to say we won’t be expecting for a year and a half. It hurts to think we’re going to have to wait that long. Audrey will be 4 nearly 5 by then. It’s like starting all over. I don’t know what to do with that. It makes me pretty flipping depressed. So I try not to think about it. But with like 20 people around me pregnant (That’s a small exaggeration.) it’s all I can think about. that I want to be where they are. it’s hard for me to listen to them complain, when I want to join in with them. I want to have a baby.  But what can you do when it’s just not a good idea.

Derringer Meryl [secret secret] Out

Recently, a coworker and I were discussing about what our bliss was. For those who go “what the what?” when they hear that, it’s a job or task that you feel happiest doing. Like if someone paid you to do that, you’d be in heaven. For me, i have a few things that zen me out. Like I would LOVE to do them for a job. 1- Bein’ a mom. It’s ROUGH right? But I love my kids. I would totally nanny it up and take them to parks and to mueseums and stuff that’s hard to do now because I’m at work, and exhausted all the time usually (not to say SAHM’s aren’t exhausted, I’m just sayin’ you muster up energy when it’s your job and you’re getting paid!!) I would love to get paid to just… be a mom. I think I’m pretty good at it. Not perfect, but as I always say “I’m not snorting crack off my baby’s stomach, so i’m not the worst mom out there.” 2- Write. I am not always the best writer, but I think I could grow and get better. Boogers that reminds me of something i wanted to write out earlier….. Anyway, the proverbial cherry on the sundae of awesomeness would being able to write about being a mom gamer. i think it’s kind of a new situation for a lot of women out there. Also to the moms that aren’t gamers, I feel like I could lend a mommy hand and say “i know this seems weird and you don’t get it, but let me help you” I don’t know. The damn wii opened things up so a lot of mom’s are getting into it more, but I guess that doesn’t mean they understand it completely…. anyway… third, i think, is the most shocking. 3 – Broadcasting/Radio DJ. I am serious, fo’ shiz. I listen to the radio a lot, more than anything else i’d say, because I love Radio Dj’s especially the local ones we have here on X96 in the morning. I’d love to work with them as a intern, but they only take people in HS or in college. I’m neither. So I just sit and listen to the good time they’re having and think “I’d love to be doing this. I think i could do it!” Although in the past I have thought I could be the following: Teacher, Lawyer, Actress, Librarian, Secretary, Realtor and accountant. i would still like to be a secretary, but… whatever. The fact of the matter is, i keep comign back to being a mom, and being a writer. I think, besides my voice, it’s something that has gotten me the most compliments (notice though that I didn’t ever mention wanting to be a singer. The only song I love singing absolutely at this point? Self Esteem by The Offspring. Oh yeah.)

Anyway. I was discussing Pioneer Woman (Ree Drummond) and how she has this MEGA SUCCESSFUL blog and ladidah. All i could find to say was A) more power to her, I would love to be like her and B) I am too tired after a day of wrangling adults who act like toddlers at work, to come home and do what she does. HELL I’m too tired to come home, play a video game, and then Blog about it. Oh massive tip here, a year of gamefly for Christmas? T’would be awesome. la la la love it. anyway. I have ideas, always in my head, and I think about how to bank roll them, but never really get past the idea part. I think it would be great to have a mocktail bar down here in dry-county. I think a place that is fancy enough that there would be a dance floor (for BALLROOM type dancing) would be fabulous, and have yummy meals and NO screaming kids. and no bongo drums, or people singing happy birthday…. maybe a nice string quartet… I’m just saying. I have plans. I have ideas. I think with help, my ideas could be successful. Also, I would like to eat out somewhere, where it is all tables for two. Where you sit and think “oh this would be a great place to be proposed to. Something classy! C”MON UTAH!!! CLASSY!?!

anyway. I think I better go jot down that idea I had.

derringer Meryl [wha wha WHAT UP!] Out