Undone

and in my heart.

Mostly I feel like writing this out because saying it aloud to people feels petty and stupid. But it churns through my mind as I complete mindless tasks (like the painting I did today. It looks fab BTW) all i can focus on is the things I dont’ have. This isn’t… healthy to say the least. I try to remind myself (as I learned from Veggie Tales) that a thankful heart is a happy heart and envy just breeds depression. That’s the last thing I need. REALLY.

Still.

I don’t feel UNHAPPY per say with where my life is. I like my job, even though it stresses me out. Frequently. But I enjoy what I do even though there is little return on my investment of time (IMO). It’s fulfilling to know that half of the department I train in was trained by me. I love coming home too, everyone is so excited to see me. I suppose that would go away, should I ever become a stay at home mom like I want.

It’d be something rough to give up– but I would love to … so I think I could give up the mommy excitement for 10 minutes before screaming ensued. I know the grass is always greener crap. But the idea of not having to stay up to all hours of the night to do laundry/talk with my husband because it’s the only time we have together… that sounds nice to me.

Something else that’s difficult for me. This is an issue I’ve been secretly skirting for a while now. It’s really hard for me. REALLY.

I would L-O-V-E to be pregnant right now. There is one thing I learned from having a miscarriage it is you never ask someone when they’re having a kid. You don’t know what personal struggles their going through. Why they aren’t. So if you’re not close, don’t ask. I always act like the idea is… abhorrent to me, because it has to be. I want to stay at home when I’m pregnant next. NOT TO MENTION the fact that 3 kids and one husband staying at home all day when he needs to sleep is … just a REALLY bad idea. So I am working, every day, toward the goal of staying home. I want to stay home. I want to have another baby (my last) while staying home.

Please don’t ask me how long away that is. Please don’t. It hurts to say we won’t be expecting for a year and a half. It hurts to think we’re going to have to wait that long. Audrey will be 4 nearly 5 by then. It’s like starting all over. I don’t know what to do with that. It makes me pretty flipping depressed. So I try not to think about it. But with like 20 people around me pregnant (That’s a small exaggeration.) it’s all I can think about. that I want to be where they are. it’s hard for me to listen to them complain, when I want to join in with them. I want to have a baby.  But what can you do when it’s just not a good idea.

Derringer Meryl [secret secret] Out