Undone

People are often shocked when I say I’m socially awkward. I think that’s because I feel awkward, but i”m not.

Also I don’t like people initially. I would say there is probably a 5% of the populace that I like on my first meeting them. Usually those people are the ones who aren’t trying too hard. Try not to take this offensively, the fact of the matter is, no matter what (nearly) you’ll grow on me, and I’ll love you loads and loads. Some people get a free pass into me liking them. I became their friend before I hit Puberty or you were a friend/girlfriend of one of my older siblings, and so you got a free pass into me liking you. The rest of you? Get to work!

I’ve been trying to piece together why specific people get on my nerves. First and foremost, I don’t like people who are strong. I like people who are awkward like me, or laid back casual, fun people.  People who have an “in your face” interface just BUG me. If what you say is God’s Law, you better get out of my way cause I tend to mimic the people I am around, and while I’m normally whatever, you best be prepared for me to get SASSAY. (Oh Geeze did I just write that. Oh. yes.) In any case. It’s true. If you are obstinate and rude and think you’re God’s gift to this fine world, then you’re about to get a reality check from me, I don’t care about you. And I can do with out. Thanks.

I highly don’t like being corrected. I don’t like people who are younger than me talking like they know more than I do. It may be fact, but I’m elderly and infirmed,  so be polite to your elders. If I say the sun circles around mars you best just plaster a smile on your face and say “Sure it does” and then snicker to your friends about how unhip I am. Also– FYI in case you didn’t get the 411, I don’t like being on the outside of stuff. It drives me mad when people get together and get into groups and I am, for whatever reason, naturally left on the outside. I sometimes don’t mind so much– but sometimes being out with people at a party or whatever is my only adult interaction– and I get annoyed when that’s taken away. Let’s face it. Don’t play a game that takes 6 people when you have 18 people at a party. Not nice! (I’m looking at you In laws. I didn’t want this to be rude, it’s coming across that way, so i figured I”d man up and just say it! haha.)

I’ve gotten kind of tired of reeling myself in on my blog posts. It felt unfulfilling and unnatural for a long time. I like writing as me. That last post– well it was AWESOME to write. It felt GOOD. And while I try to abstain from feeling marvelous, I am tired of just doing “oooh I’m such an awful mommy” posts. Good Lord. So I thought I’d let my brain walk on the wild side since my commends are just bursting with commentary and I just don’t know what to do with them all. I will have to purchase as second server! *le sigh*

I think that would require me purchasing the first one, wouldn’t it?

What was I saying again?

RIGHT awkward. I think this post is evidence of that. Some people would directly come out and say “Hey that bugs me” But even in blog form I wriggle around it like a fish, or a worm on a hook.

Huh. A lot of fishing references there.

Anyway. I am not direct. I am meandering, and I try to be as funny as I can until I get there, and then I break into tears because I feel like a horrible person. BUT — (OPRAH AHAH MOMENT HERE) I am not a horrible person because some things bother me. I think everyone has pet peeves (See previous post!) and maybe I have more than others, but everyone is different, and that’s what makes us special. I think that needs a new word. We can’t all be special. Some people are similar. It’s like having over 1 trillion character traits. You’ll find something in common with some people. Similarities, but no one is exactly the same. I’ll think on the word Idea.

I think My general problem is that I do think I’m a terrible person. Not like Godzilla terrible (OOH NO GOZILLA!) more like… a Hot mess. Like when you judge Britney spears for being a bad mom? That kind of terrible. Like people Judge me as terrible. Here’s a few of my terrible Secrets: I yell. A lot. Like I remember as a Kid that my dad yelled, and I thought it was terrifying. I yell like that. I remember as a teen thinking “Oh I don’t have a temper” but really I just didn’t care about anything. I care about too much now. Stuff matters. Like bills and clothing children and food and what not. It’s stressful stuff. Scott has the right attitude which is “It matters, but we’re not homeless, or about threadbare” (we so aren’t) “So just relax, things will be ok.” And it’s true. I just have some sort of hyper active… worry node in my brain. Do people have those? Worry nodes? I think I have 20. I will proudly admit that I have not hyperventilated since December (of 2010) and I’m dang proud of it. I don’t like to wear my anxiety as some sort of shame. I realize usually, about 10 min after my freak out, that I”m being ridiculous. I have checks in place now. Mostly that when I feel a freak out coming on, i ask scott to tell me I’ll be ok. I usually am. Occasionally. All the time.

I am however, Not freak out free, I had one like… 5 days ago? When I have no adult to keep me in check, I go BEZERKER and scream a bunch. It’s embarrassing in public. I wish like Mary Tyler Moore should do like a PSA on irrational rage bursts or something. {To be momentarily serious, My rages usually involve a lot of screaming, then taper off into crying, and then a small hate spiral… or large, for those who don’t know what a hate spiral is, I just repeat in my head how much I hate myself, and find reasons, in a big circle, or a little one. No violence except some child like foot stomping that usually hurts my foot. Seriousness over, for the moment} I’ll full on admit that I have Issues. I am like the poster girl for issues. I wish I could find a medication that I could shoot into my arm instead of a pill. Cause really — I can’t do pills. I’m Just… Too spazzy for pills. Too much! I forget them, and that just causes me to go off kilter and it kind of triggers the angry shame stuff I mentioned before. It’s like A) Take a pill and feel ok sometimes unless you forget to take it for a day, and then Go nuts and then start back up, etc etc.  or B) just try and not go nuts.  I prefer the second one.

Geeze. how did I get all blah about down stuff? Back to your regularly scheduled whackiness.

Mean while, I will keep Living my little cinderella life (Ie working/being a mom) and hope that someday my “prince” (not working) will come along 😉 someday!

Derringer Meryl [ Don’t you judge me!] Out

two kids is … very different. So are my girls, already, with Audrey at one month.

Katie is fair Skinned, Blonde hair, and brown eyes
[So far] Audrey is olive skinned, brown hair, and blue eyes (I hope she keeps the blue eyes)
Katie looks like the H family
IMO Audrey looks like someone from the W. family… like my mom 🙂
Katie was/is really orally fixated even as a newborn, Katie still sucks on her fingers when she’s upset
Audrey could care less about sucking on a paci or comfort nursing. She only sucks when starving.
Katie is dramatic (always has been)
Audrey doesn’t get upset about much, even when hungry.

Just a few ways my girls are different, I’m sure it will be a LOOOOOOOOONG list as time goes on. I’m glad I’m taking the time to write this down right now because I’ll probably forget someday– and then I can have this to look back on.

I won’t be getting 2 majillion more Ultrasounds like I did with Katie, so I have to guess what she’ll be like (or he! Could we all be horrifically wrong??) based on movement and such.

I think she’ll be a calm baby. I’m probably jinxing myself saying that… but she feels calm, not a big mover or shaker.

She won’t have constant hiccups all the time.

She’ll have Scott’s logical mind, and blue eyes. (I’m fighting on the blue eye thing, Scott and I think it’d be wonderful if she had blue eyes and brown hair)

I think she’ll not have much hair at all! Like I did when I was born. Far less than Katie did.  A bald onion headed baby 😉

I think she’ll be patient, and that she’ll love to play games and mimic (Katie didn’t get into the mimic thing until just recently, she perferred to observe)

I think she’ll be fascinated by Katie.

These are my guesses so far.

Derringer Meryl [Upcoming events] Out

First day of full time college. Weird. Can i say that? Of course I can, I just felt like asking…. for no reason. I didn’t run into Monkey, which I find slightly a good thing. I didn’t need any help making this day stressful…. (I’m going to add in here that Monkey is a great guy… I just… It’s a me thing when it comes to stress… not him.)

Mom wants me to join the on campus Anime club, which i’m totally for, Ya know… cause it’s anime, and i’m with a bunch of people who are as geeky about Anime as me. (I’m the uber geek, otherwise known as an Otaku. I own a LoTR Barbie, I think I fall into the Otaku catagory. I take Standee’s home from work and dissect them. I want to get a subscription to Newtype Magazine. I’m taking psychology just for fun. I write fanfiction. I make collages. I own five seasons of Buffy and One of Angel. I own two complete anime series, and portions of several others. I convinced my mom to buy a magnetic poetry calander….. I have a toy collection that rivals my siblings’. I have a larger doll collection than most girls my age (I have one for every year i’ve been alive, and then some). I cosplay (Inu Yasha, Steve, and various other anime characters, oh, and Buffy)

Which makes me think of the time I cosplayed as Buffy. I was depressed…. uberly so. I don’t remember why. Maybe it was because every guy who is interested in me… *sighs* doesn’t REALLY know me. Who knows. But– to make me feel better, Red dressed me up pretty (like Buffy) and did my hair (like Buffy’s, only in my shade of brownish red) I had a sleeveless turtleneck on, and skirt, which I love to this day even though it’s at Red’s house, which was horrifically short. If it hadn’t been for the fact that Red told me every five seconds that I looked pretty, I would have ran away, and put on long pants. But when we got there, my friends (guy friend specifically) helped me feel better too. They complimented me on my outfit, and while i still felt uneasy, all it took was a glimpse of my ex to solidify any sort of emotion i had. I became confident and happy. Anything to look like i didn’t need him. *nods*

I was giddy. I still am at the thought. that was positively the most empowering outfit ever. Marco and Staples liked the outfit too. which is good…. always good. *smiles at the memory* one of the best nights of my high school life.

Derringer Meryl [dressing for the occasion] Out

Finals, Are done. Hallelujah…. praise the Lord, Amen. *nods*

Right then, on with the rest of the blog. *nods again* The Mouth and I were reminiscing about our first meeting, how i threw a copy of Herdy Gerdy Across the store and, not only knocked several things off their proper places on the shelves, succeeding in breaking the case quite nicely. He seems to remember assessing me as ‘a quiet, pure, Mormon girl’ and i saw him as ‘a complete jerk off’ (I didn’t tell him that, but it’s the truth…. that is how i saw him. heh.) Yes, most people see me as that. The good church going Ned Flanders would marry me if i weren’t so young, pure as the driven snow (before acid snow was around), white little lamb. Yeah, i guess that’s how i come off, and dang it, i sure do use it to my advantage.

The unfortunate thing is, i have a bit of a sailor’s mouth. After three years of public high school, you get a mouth like that. Actually, that’s a lame cop out. There’s a lot of kids in this great state of mine who come out of school just as pure as they entered it. What i really mean is After trying to FIT IN for three years at a public high school, you get a mouth like that. I admit, i bent to the pressure. It’s not drugs, it’s not drinking, and i don’t do it cept when i’m angry. Bad habit. I’m trying to quit. Honest. *shrugs*

Geek Check. I”m getting this tomorrow, it makes me all kinds of happy and giddy. *nods* Then i get to idle my birthday and Christmas times away by watching the episodes until my brains fall out. *nods* It makes me happy. *dances* YEs, my complete Buffiness, will soon happen. They release about two a year (or so) episodes. So one in July (or so, it might get bumped a bit) that’s the sixth season, and another in December, the seventh season, and POOF they’re done. Happies. 🙂 This is the last season on the WB, who were fools to give SMG and the rest of the crew, the boot. Joss was clever, to give it an ending that would have been fitting if the show hadn’t gotten picked up by UPN…. a fitting way for Buffy to die, but i’m sure everyone else is much happier with her alive the way she is– tho…. people were pretty pissed about Spike… People being me.

Right. He’s semi-alive now. Just as alive as he was before. *nods* Corporeal. Neat. eh?

Derringer Meryl [All I want is a Corporeal Spike] Out