Undone

I won’t be getting 2 majillion more Ultrasounds like I did with Katie, so I have to guess what she’ll be like (or he! Could we all be horrifically wrong??) based on movement and such.

I think she’ll be a calm baby. I’m probably jinxing myself saying that… but she feels calm, not a big mover or shaker.

She won’t have constant hiccups all the time.

She’ll have Scott’s logical mind, and blue eyes. (I’m fighting on the blue eye thing, Scott and I think it’d be wonderful if she had blue eyes and brown hair)

I think she’ll not have much hair at all! Like I did when I was born. Far less than Katie did.  A bald onion headed baby 😉

I think she’ll be patient, and that she’ll love to play games and mimic (Katie didn’t get into the mimic thing until just recently, she perferred to observe)

I think she’ll be fascinated by Katie.

These are my guesses so far.

Derringer Meryl [Upcoming events] Out

I (almost daily) have a panic about my c-section. It’s not really a gripping panic attack (which I’ve had before, even at work, about nothing or anything) it’s just this feeling under the surface of my skin that seems to beg me to write this blog post. My brain says “Just ask. Asking is ok!” and another part ofme that apparently has so much pride I don’t know where it’s coming from, because honestly I don’t consider myself a prideful person says “Don’t. That’s rude. Asking is rude.”

But apparently my need for panic has over ridden my pride, or even a sense of prudence. I dont’ know who reads this blog (well I know who comments, and I know my lovin’ mom reads it– cause she’s sweet.) but I’m panicking about when I get home from the hospital… then what?
You’ve heard me mention that I want to freeze up some food and keep it. Good idea! haven’t done it yet. Will probably do it late June.

My biggest fear is… my stairs. Dumb thing to be scared of? quite possibly. Some patients are told by their doctors to not use the stairs at all. That leaves me either upstairs all the time, or downstairs all the time. (Though techically I’d have to use the stairs to get downstairs.) I’m afraid of 6 weeks stuck alone in my house with Katie and Audrey (or as of yet unnamed baby Boy. I keep having dreams it’s a boy.) really when I think about it, that fear is PRETTY unfounded, because even if Scott doesn’t take work off, he’s still at home during the day, I didn’t have him run and do so much for me at night as I did during the day… But I know Katie needs to get out and do stuff, and I know Scott will be pretty exhausted from work/being a new daddy again SO, if anyone feels the need to help, and you think “Oh she’s probably not needing me coming to stare at her house and her nursing 24/7, and that’s just weird” and you want to help but you don’t necissarily know what to do? Please just come play with my Katie. I’m scared she will be lacking attention and all the fawning she’s used to and will be intensely jealous. Come and get her and her little red wagon and drag her around the street, or come and take her to the park which is like 2 minutes away– Take her to Costco with you when you run to get milk or any other quick chore that you don’t mind extending a few (haha, or a bunch of) extra minutes.  Play a puzzle with her in her room…. whatever. All of these things, GOOD THINGS!

I realize everyone in existance can’t come over and help. If you can, please do. I don’t care if y ou even do anything as long as I get visitors. I was very lonely when I had Katie, but Scott was at work more and I didn’t have a two year old, and I didn’t have … STAIRS.
I am planning (hopefully) to nest downstairs with our TV, our lappy and a sturdy surface for holding things (ie food, drinks etc) I remember there were often times that I fell asleep nursing Katie on our couch. I plan for this to continue. Laying down is too hard at first. sitting up in a recliner or on a couch is the way to go!! 😀 I’m excited to have my baby. I’m nervous, I’m nerve-wracked, It’s weird to think it’s only 2 months away!! (or less if I go into labor!!)

I’m so enthused! I feel like I might actually know what i”m doing this time! I’m nervous because it might all be completely different!!

Derringer Meryl [Nerves] Out

I feel like I have to admit this to myself, instead of saying that it’s not true, and that I’m fine.

I have very very bad social anxiety. I find it hard to leave the house for social outings. I, selfishly, find reasons not to. Obviously it should be noted that it doesn’t really matter who I’m going to go spend time with,  the energy it takes (physically and emotionally) to leave the house and chat with people is immense. I do often have fun after I leave (ie, I have fun at the party/event), but that’s not really the point. It’s the weirdness that is there when I’m home.  I feel depressed and lonely.  I often think about how I can go to a party and feel trapped inside of my head, and unable to really relax and have real fun.

I spend most of the parties I go to with Katie. I often wonder why I even leave home when it’s just the same thing in a different locale, and often more embarassing when she doesn’t behave. I find that I’m lacking interest in a lot of things as well. While I did get up the gumption to pull my sewing machine out and my material for Audrey’s quilt… I feel as though I won’t have time to do it.

I often wonder if It’s selfish to want time away from Katie, since most of my week is spent away from her… I work hard on the weekends to ensure Scott gets sleep and that she and I have fun. My patience for her though is small and I find myself easily frustrated with her inattentiveness. She refuses to hold my hand unless I’m crying. I can’t run after her, so I often try and wrangle DQ or someone into going with me so that when she runs or wants to be held, SOMEONE can run after her. I had a Katie free day yesterday and instead of doing anything with it– I slept. I was going to go to a BBQ at a friend’s house, or even a babyshower for a co-worker, and there was also a graduation party (which we did make it to.) I feel smothered and sad. All I do is work at a job I hate, and come home to a messy house I’m supposed to clean, to cook dinner for my husband (who desperately needs sleep because he generously watches our daughter when he should be asleep)….

and then I go to sleep and do it all again.

Sometimes I want to scream that it’s not fair and someone else should be doing this stuff… but I realize that life isn’t fair, and that she’s my daughter, and he’s my husband. I have things I need to do. Everyone does them. I guess though, most other people dont’ have the horrible anxiety and the crippling depression. I do think I’ll speak to a doctor. I’m hoping that it’s mostly hormones from this pregnancy.

I am fine. I really, oddly, prefer to ignore that I’m sick in real life. I prefer to just let life go on. I’ll keep doing what I’m doing.

That’s that.

Derringer Meryl [beastie AWAKE!] Out

So I am a planner. I like to have things work in my orderly way. Which makes having a c-section really good in a lot of ways (haha, I went like five words without talking about the baby! AHAHAHA!) because i know exactly what day I’m going in and having a baby. Or at least I will. Once I get to the point where I can schedule that. I need to ask my doctor “Oh hey when am I scheduling that?” tomorrow. I wish I could know right now. LOL. But It has started to occur to me that unlike the last time I went to the hospital– this will be quite different.  Before, Scott and I slept restlessly (or at least I did) until the alarm went off, and we drove our car to the hospital and I got all ready for surgery… at 6 am.

This time, we will wake up, get ourselves ready, and hopefully have someplace, or someone to come watch Katie while I go to the hospital and get all ready for surgery. I am planning that I will get her ready before I go. It’s weird though, to think that I have to have a plan in place for her until I go to the hospital. I guess (in thinking about it now) she will at least have DQ here until 10:30, and I’m guessing that DQ will probably just take the day off the day I have the baby…. well maybe LOL. at the very least she’d have someone here for her to scream at.

It’s kind of funny that I often forget that DQ lives with us. It seems like a weird thing to forget, but she is often doing her own thing with our friends, or hanging out with family. She’s pretty dang socially active. LOL.

I think that’s it for now. I cannot believe that it’s almost May, Katie is almost 2, and I am almost a mom x2! WTH?!

Derringer Meryl [Soon to be chorused by MOMMY MOMMY MOMMY!] Out

I do (as a pregnant woman) really have to go to the bathroom once an hour. Sometimes I can make it two…but not often. How annoying.

Things have been good here in lala land. I’m pleasantly suprised how much easier (JINX) that this pregnancy has been for me. Don’t ask me why. I can’t imagine everyone has harder first pregnancies. I think not gaining so much weight has really helped. I htink I’m up to like 6 or so lbs, which is good.

This month is crazy. Work has FOR SURE been crazy.  It’s been so stressful and out of whack that my co-workers are dropping like flies that have just been sprayed with heavy duty pesticides. We’re all tired, we could use a week or two off, that’s for sure. I don’t know what’s going to happen to everyone else when I (and another co-worker) go on maternity leave. It’ll be BIZZARE to be here, and probably pretty stressful. I hope our temps have the hang of things by then. I too have been a temp before. So I feel their pain. On the other hand… I wish they knew more. All with time I suppose.

Do I talk about baby stuff too much? Probably. I don’t care. it’s what’s on my mind the most. I can’t help it.  Katie is starting to kind of, sort of grasp that there is a baby in my tummy. We were looking at pictures online today of one of my online buddies that just had a baby, and she had a pic of prior to labor and her baby afterwards, So I showed Katie that she had a baby in her belly like Mommy and that then the baby came out, and i showed her the pictures of the baby. She said “AWWW baby!” and then i told her Audrey is in my belly and will come out soon too. Katie pointed and said “baby!” and I asked her if she wanted to kiss the baby, and she gave my tummy a kiss. She can be so pleasant sometimes…. othertimes NOT so pleasant.

I am trying to kick my crafting into high gear and finish Audrey’s quilt. You should be laughing becase A) I just found my presser foot for my sewing machine earlier this week (or was it last week) and I haven’t even pulled out the material to start working. HAHA HAHAHA. The funny thing? This quilt I had planned for Midori’s some day baby. I bought the fabric because it was cute, and I can’t resist cute. I’m stealing it from Midori though and Audrey is getting it. i guess it’s not really stealing since I hadn’t given it to her yet. LOL.
There was some fabric i was In L-O-V-E with. I cannot find it. I don’t know the maker, i don’t know the name of the pattern. I do know that it was light blue background with yellow cows (jumping over the moon, of course)  pink cats, green dogs, etc etc. It was beautiful. I loved it. I cannot find it anywhere now. I found it originally when Carebear was preggo with squirt. I wanted to get it, but it was one of those fabrics that you see, fall in love with, look at the price, and put back. LOL. Designer, for sure. I would LOVE to have a nursing cover out of it, or … anything. Seriously, anything out of that fabric would be magic. LOL.

Ok I’m distracted now. Must go insearch of that fabric… beauty.

Derringer Meryl [search search search….] Out