Undone

I think everyone has bad days. When you burst into tears because of an All American Rejects in the car– you should probably be seeking help.

Probably.

Music helps people through a lot of things, takes their mind off the pain, helps them get in touch with their emotions, helps them see another point of view, and once in a while, helps you shake your booty for an hour or two. Who couldn’t use the exercise? In a mentally well person, is there a thing as too much exercise? I doubt it.

So as I sit here listening to “Move Along” I find that the emotions it evokes, the times in my life it reminds me of are still, too personal and secret to share. I listen to this song when I’m down. It helps me remember to be UP. That being said, it still makes me sad, just a little, as it reminds me a little that I am too broken of a person to reach out to people when I am depressed. I went through a dynamic change in my life last year (2010) that broke me.

I feel fortunate enough to say that as broken as I felt, and I still feel, from the experience I also found it VERY inspiring. I feel blessed, not necessarily in a spiritual way take it as you please, that I have the ability to see the bright side of a lot of things. I have the capability to get a crap sandwich and say “Thank Goodness i got this crap sandwich, it makes me happy for the good food I normally get a chance to eat” On the flip side though, I can see the dark and unpleasantness of a lot of things as well. Especially within myself.

So, I sit and I listen to this song, and It reminds me of my social inability to reach out to others. Even when those who are closest to me, Or who I percieved as being closest to me, were in their time of need, I withdrew. I feel like it’s something I’m paying for now. But I have a belief in living with your mistakes. Also, I still have that crippling social ineptness that prevents me… from being out there. I am not afraid of what might happen…

… I am exhausted. From trying, and thinking two or three steps ahead, trying to make up for how broken I am. It’s not something I could medicate for, the anxiety (the need to plan steps ahead, compulsively) is something I could medicate for. Instead, I have withdrawn. I hope no one takes any particular offense to this. I … have no excuse. I may end up dying lonely and sad, or maybe I’ll die with my closest friends morning the loss. Who knows. But I can’t control it. I can’t FORCE people to love me despite the fact that I am afraid of the rejection of calling you to say hello. Maybe so much subconciously that the thought does not even occur that NORMAL people do that. Normal people ask each other how their days were, and joke and laugh.

Dear friends, I am not normal. I am crippled emotionally. It is a good day when I can leave my house and go the whole day without hating myself. Please know that I do truly love you, despite my inability to be any sort of normal, and I am sorry if I ever gave you the impression otherwise. I will try to be there for you.

Won’t you be there for me?

Derringer Meryl [Someday a post won’t be a bring down] Out

People are often shocked when I say I’m socially awkward. I think that’s because I feel awkward, but i”m not.

Also I don’t like people initially. I would say there is probably a 5% of the populace that I like on my first meeting them. Usually those people are the ones who aren’t trying too hard. Try not to take this offensively, the fact of the matter is, no matter what (nearly) you’ll grow on me, and I’ll love you loads and loads. Some people get a free pass into me liking them. I became their friend before I hit Puberty or you were a friend/girlfriend of one of my older siblings, and so you got a free pass into me liking you. The rest of you? Get to work!

I’ve been trying to piece together why specific people get on my nerves. First and foremost, I don’t like people who are strong. I like people who are awkward like me, or laid back casual, fun people.  People who have an “in your face” interface just BUG me. If what you say is God’s Law, you better get out of my way cause I tend to mimic the people I am around, and while I’m normally whatever, you best be prepared for me to get SASSAY. (Oh Geeze did I just write that. Oh. yes.) In any case. It’s true. If you are obstinate and rude and think you’re God’s gift to this fine world, then you’re about to get a reality check from me, I don’t care about you. And I can do with out. Thanks.

I highly don’t like being corrected. I don’t like people who are younger than me talking like they know more than I do. It may be fact, but I’m elderly and infirmed,  so be polite to your elders. If I say the sun circles around mars you best just plaster a smile on your face and say “Sure it does” and then snicker to your friends about how unhip I am. Also– FYI in case you didn’t get the 411, I don’t like being on the outside of stuff. It drives me mad when people get together and get into groups and I am, for whatever reason, naturally left on the outside. I sometimes don’t mind so much– but sometimes being out with people at a party or whatever is my only adult interaction– and I get annoyed when that’s taken away. Let’s face it. Don’t play a game that takes 6 people when you have 18 people at a party. Not nice! (I’m looking at you In laws. I didn’t want this to be rude, it’s coming across that way, so i figured I”d man up and just say it! haha.)

I’ve gotten kind of tired of reeling myself in on my blog posts. It felt unfulfilling and unnatural for a long time. I like writing as me. That last post– well it was AWESOME to write. It felt GOOD. And while I try to abstain from feeling marvelous, I am tired of just doing “oooh I’m such an awful mommy” posts. Good Lord. So I thought I’d let my brain walk on the wild side since my commends are just bursting with commentary and I just don’t know what to do with them all. I will have to purchase as second server! *le sigh*

I think that would require me purchasing the first one, wouldn’t it?

What was I saying again?

RIGHT awkward. I think this post is evidence of that. Some people would directly come out and say “Hey that bugs me” But even in blog form I wriggle around it like a fish, or a worm on a hook.

Huh. A lot of fishing references there.

Anyway. I am not direct. I am meandering, and I try to be as funny as I can until I get there, and then I break into tears because I feel like a horrible person. BUT — (OPRAH AHAH MOMENT HERE) I am not a horrible person because some things bother me. I think everyone has pet peeves (See previous post!) and maybe I have more than others, but everyone is different, and that’s what makes us special. I think that needs a new word. We can’t all be special. Some people are similar. It’s like having over 1 trillion character traits. You’ll find something in common with some people. Similarities, but no one is exactly the same. I’ll think on the word Idea.

I think My general problem is that I do think I’m a terrible person. Not like Godzilla terrible (OOH NO GOZILLA!) more like… a Hot mess. Like when you judge Britney spears for being a bad mom? That kind of terrible. Like people Judge me as terrible. Here’s a few of my terrible Secrets: I yell. A lot. Like I remember as a Kid that my dad yelled, and I thought it was terrifying. I yell like that. I remember as a teen thinking “Oh I don’t have a temper” but really I just didn’t care about anything. I care about too much now. Stuff matters. Like bills and clothing children and food and what not. It’s stressful stuff. Scott has the right attitude which is “It matters, but we’re not homeless, or about threadbare” (we so aren’t) “So just relax, things will be ok.” And it’s true. I just have some sort of hyper active… worry node in my brain. Do people have those? Worry nodes? I think I have 20. I will proudly admit that I have not hyperventilated since December (of 2010) and I’m dang proud of it. I don’t like to wear my anxiety as some sort of shame. I realize usually, about 10 min after my freak out, that I”m being ridiculous. I have checks in place now. Mostly that when I feel a freak out coming on, i ask scott to tell me I’ll be ok. I usually am. Occasionally. All the time.

I am however, Not freak out free, I had one like… 5 days ago? When I have no adult to keep me in check, I go BEZERKER and scream a bunch. It’s embarrassing in public. I wish like Mary Tyler Moore should do like a PSA on irrational rage bursts or something. {To be momentarily serious, My rages usually involve a lot of screaming, then taper off into crying, and then a small hate spiral… or large, for those who don’t know what a hate spiral is, I just repeat in my head how much I hate myself, and find reasons, in a big circle, or a little one. No violence except some child like foot stomping that usually hurts my foot. Seriousness over, for the moment} I’ll full on admit that I have Issues. I am like the poster girl for issues. I wish I could find a medication that I could shoot into my arm instead of a pill. Cause really — I can’t do pills. I’m Just… Too spazzy for pills. Too much! I forget them, and that just causes me to go off kilter and it kind of triggers the angry shame stuff I mentioned before. It’s like A) Take a pill and feel ok sometimes unless you forget to take it for a day, and then Go nuts and then start back up, etc etc.  or B) just try and not go nuts.  I prefer the second one.

Geeze. how did I get all blah about down stuff? Back to your regularly scheduled whackiness.

Mean while, I will keep Living my little cinderella life (Ie working/being a mom) and hope that someday my “prince” (not working) will come along 😉 someday!

Derringer Meryl [ Don’t you judge me!] Out

To the casual observer, i am a very social person. I can, on occasion, discuss at ease topics with people and even relate to others in an empathetic manner. I’m a nice girl. I’ll give myself that much. I’ve found upon reviewing myself that my actions in a social situation are purely selfish, even those that are well meaning. In a social setting I use being socially active (engaging in conversation, playing games, teasing etc) as  a defense mechanism against myself. I wouldn’t say that I hear voices per say as so much as I hear myself. the part of myself that is self deprecating and usually allows myself to fall into some weird shame cycle when I am alone and unoccupied.  I am usually always busy or always thinking about something for this reason. As I understand it normal people allow their minds to go blank on occasion, and even relax. I am consistently making lists, discussing and keeping myself engaged to prevent myself from… well getting to myself. It’s like a wall I build up.

So the fact that in social situations I am usually looking like I’m mugging to be the center of attention, I suppose I am, because if other people are paying attention to me my neurosis have to focus on the other people instead of myself. Though typically I wonder about what they’re thinking about me, and how weird I am, or how unsophisticated I am, uncouth etc. Instead of focusing on my shame spiral about how i”m not worth anything.

I think I have done an excellent job of keeping myself occupied, i don’t think I’ve had a shame spiral for a very long time. This does however make things like falling asleep pretty hard…. which is weird.

I have been thinking more about the story idea i had. I think i was looking at it a bit too pidgeon hole-d. I have been trying to expand my views as the book is more about women and my own specific brand of feminism. Which I’m sure sounds weird. 😉 I think more along the lines of stereo types. It’s hard to explain… without going into specifics.

I keep really wanting to get a diary so i can write some of it out.  However I am pretty busy pretty much all of the time, so finding the time to write down anything in addition to actually finding time to buy something to write my ideas down in… well it’s just a little ridiculous, don’t you think? though I do find writing physically (IE pen and paper) to be very therapeutic. Something about ink and paper is amazing to me. I love journaling. I suppose that’s why I have kept a blog so long. 😉

Thinking of names for characters, off to nymbler

derringer meryl [THEY] Out

I feel like I have to admit this to myself, instead of saying that it’s not true, and that I’m fine.

I have very very bad social anxiety. I find it hard to leave the house for social outings. I, selfishly, find reasons not to. Obviously it should be noted that it doesn’t really matter who I’m going to go spend time with,  the energy it takes (physically and emotionally) to leave the house and chat with people is immense. I do often have fun after I leave (ie, I have fun at the party/event), but that’s not really the point. It’s the weirdness that is there when I’m home.  I feel depressed and lonely.  I often think about how I can go to a party and feel trapped inside of my head, and unable to really relax and have real fun.

I spend most of the parties I go to with Katie. I often wonder why I even leave home when it’s just the same thing in a different locale, and often more embarassing when she doesn’t behave. I find that I’m lacking interest in a lot of things as well. While I did get up the gumption to pull my sewing machine out and my material for Audrey’s quilt… I feel as though I won’t have time to do it.

I often wonder if It’s selfish to want time away from Katie, since most of my week is spent away from her… I work hard on the weekends to ensure Scott gets sleep and that she and I have fun. My patience for her though is small and I find myself easily frustrated with her inattentiveness. She refuses to hold my hand unless I’m crying. I can’t run after her, so I often try and wrangle DQ or someone into going with me so that when she runs or wants to be held, SOMEONE can run after her. I had a Katie free day yesterday and instead of doing anything with it– I slept. I was going to go to a BBQ at a friend’s house, or even a babyshower for a co-worker, and there was also a graduation party (which we did make it to.) I feel smothered and sad. All I do is work at a job I hate, and come home to a messy house I’m supposed to clean, to cook dinner for my husband (who desperately needs sleep because he generously watches our daughter when he should be asleep)….

and then I go to sleep and do it all again.

Sometimes I want to scream that it’s not fair and someone else should be doing this stuff… but I realize that life isn’t fair, and that she’s my daughter, and he’s my husband. I have things I need to do. Everyone does them. I guess though, most other people dont’ have the horrible anxiety and the crippling depression. I do think I’ll speak to a doctor. I’m hoping that it’s mostly hormones from this pregnancy.

I am fine. I really, oddly, prefer to ignore that I’m sick in real life. I prefer to just let life go on. I’ll keep doing what I’m doing.

That’s that.

Derringer Meryl [beastie AWAKE!] Out

Psh. Like The Specialist actually DID lyric spews before me. Yeah right. *blinks* I don’t know. his blog doesn’t go as far back as mine does, so i’m not sure — but I started lyric spewing the end of my junior year of high school.

Cha.

I’ve spent my day reading fanfictions. I love to read stories. AU stories, Romance stories, Drama, Thriller….

Pretty much anything. I’m a reading freak. Which reminds me–

I was talking to my mom last night, who unfortunately gets no alter title other than my mom…. sorry, about how i hate going to school. She says she thinks that I may becoming agoraphobic… Or afraid of going out into public. I can understand what she means… but I think it’s actually the fear of interacting with people I don’t know. I’m not scared of the mall… err… most malls…. and I”m not scared of the doctors office (cept the germs, icky) I’m not scared of any of that… I’m petrified of school.

It’s the forced interaction of people, who otherwise wouldn’t talk to each other. I don’t do well with the idea of making small talk with someone. *frowns* I’m no good at it, and i …. I hate doing it. I hate talking to people. Conversing with random people, annoys me. Frustrates me. ANd it’s freakishly ridiculous that it’s expected of me.

My mom says I can’t be afraid of people cause “How do you expect to get married….?” and I think to myself “I sorta hoped he’d be introduced to me, or that…. well that we’d be forced friends. Two people in an unsavory situation (like work or school) and that i wouldn’t have to start the conversation…. and … I don’t know. Sue me. I don’t like to talk to people…. *mutter mutter*”

Yeah. Maybe I don’t want to get married RIGHT now. Maybe I’ll have to take sometime to get over things…. and MAYBE it’s going to take someone else to really bring me out of my shell. Good grief.

Invasion from Within Tsunami Bomb

Enemy inside of me!

I’m caught! I cannot kick them out

Their claws are wrapped around my throat and they are squeezing tighter

Insanity is coming over me

Their every wish is my command

No way out!

I feed them, you will too!

They’re gonna take control of you!

You’ll know when they have got you trapped

Everything looks cloudy and you feel like you’re on fire

Inhabited, I wish that I were dead

My blood has turned from red to black

No way out!

When they come for you

They see right through your flesh and bones for soon you’ll be their home

They know you deep inside, the things you can’t try to hide

No hope after the first bite

Look out ’cause they are onto you

They’ll cut you open, crawl inside and you’ll be lost forever

Don’t try to run ’cause you’re the chosen one

Your world is gone, no turning back

No way out!

Derringer Meryl [Nothing works out right] Out