Undone

Since Scott’s been screaming about it, I should at least blog about it. 🙂 My Claddaugh ring has been flipped (for you Buffy Fans who know what that means) and Scott and I are getting married. 🙂

I was really nervous yesterday (as you can read in my blog about it.) I was also really busy. I wanted to go to the temple and hang out while he was at the other temple thinking and praying about it. I couldn’t because of my classes, and I was stuck on campus while he was in the temple. I went as close as I could to get the spirit though, I went to the institute building. (I had also forgotten to read my scriptures yesterday, so i hit two birds with one stone!) While I was hanging out, I was thinking about things I had learned in my Stress Management class, where we had just so happened to be talking about the power of prayer (I love College, so much better than high School. We can talk about religion!) and how people who were prayed for, and didn’t know it, got healthier faster after surgery.

I’m digressing, yet again.

My teacher said something profound. “Fear is the opposite of faith. If you’re afraid of something you have no faith in it. You can’t live in both places.” So i sat down with my BoM and I was reading and just trying to not plead with God that Scott would get the same answer as me. I finally figured it out though. I had to put my faith in God’s will. Whether it was to be Scott or not, everything would work out okay, just as long as I had faith. it was pretty much all that was in my brain yesterday after I figured that out. 🙂

I also got smacked about the head for continually asking. Apparently God doesn’t like to be asked the same question several times in a row when he’s already given you an answer. *shifty eyes* though I think i already knew that.

Also, in a slightly related topic I just began to cry last night, I was so happy. And I was just… so …excited. I don’t like to cry in front of people, so I basically waited until I was in my room alone and cried. (That has ties back to my childhood. My sibs made fun of me for crying at the drop of a hat. Now I can hold it in until they can’t see me. heh) I just feel so … fortunate. My mom and dad were getting restless with my choice in boys to date. I was getting restless at the flakes I had chosen. No one seemed to understand that I wanted to Marry an LDS boy but I didn’t want that to be the only thing we had in common. (the oh so common pick up line: “I’m LDS, and you’re LDS, and we’re both single…” is the LDS equivalent of “Hey Baby…. How you doin’?”) That drove me crazy. Until now, i could never find anyone who enjoyed the same things I did. I don’t know. Liked video games too much, liked them too little, and so on. I think though, with Scott and I it goes beyond all that. Some of the similar things between us are uncanny. Even between our parents.

My mom keeps reminding me of this, it’s a bit of a quirky story. She always says that I remind her of her mom. So, when her mom met her dad at a dance in Oak something valley (We can’t recall the details exactly of where it was) saw him from across the room. She asked her friends about him, and almost immediately after learning his name said: “I’m gonna marry him.” and so she did. 🙂 The uncanny thing is I was looking at Scott’s profile on LDSsingles (after he had sent me a flirt) and I just read it, and turned to my mom and said: “I’m gonna marry him.” and so i shall. 😉

Derringer Meryl [Uncanny Happy Events] Out

I’ve been thinking alot about the whole marriage thing, about why and when and how and what not.

I’ve basically tossed all of my good chances of getting married out the window, especially getting married any time soon (read, within the next year) but if it’s not there, it’s not there, and despite the craziness, you gotta respect the chemistry.

I was talking to Antigone about unconditional love. She says she’s not sure there’s such a thing. I told her I thought i might have experienced the sensation– she asked if it was obsession (see: Compulsive preoccupation with a fixed idea or an unwanted feeling or emotion, often accompanied by symptoms of anxiety.) and I asked her what was the line between obsession and unconditional love? She wasn’t sure there was one, they may even over lap, except in the case of God. I can see that. still. I have friends of mine who i love (in a friendly manner, as friends do) and you couldn’t sway me from that love. No matter what, it’ll be there. Sure, sometimes i’ll be angry, or something, but i’m always open. I’m always here, to be leaned on, to listen, and to give my love away freely. Maybe i just have a stinking high opinion of myself to say that i can do that, but i think i’m doing it as much as I can. Maybe my condition to love is that i know you. People i don’t know irritate me to no end. I have to admit that. *nods* I guess, i’m sorta not as good as I thought i was… but i’m living it as close as I can to it.

Also, we discussed in class today why people drink. It’s not to get drunk like one might assume, it’s to feel love. It lowers your inhibitions, and i guess then you’re open enough to be loved…. how insane.

i guess that’s no worse than being in love and keeping it to yourself, but at least you have something to numb the pain a little, ya know?

Derringer Meryl [Selfesteem the fourth chakra?] Out

Have you ever been so exhausted that you simply cannot sleep? I know Sarah McLaughlin and Marco have, Hence the writing at One in the morning. 🙂

Heh.

I guess i’m holding out some kind of wicked hope that Monkey might get online. Sleeping isn’t really sleeping unless you know everyone is alright. *blinks*

I couldn’t sound MORE like a psychotic wench could I? I’m odd and I’m wrong, but talking to him relaxes me. He reminds me that not everything in life needs to be stress filled. I can talk to him and honestly not worry about one thing I say. He’d just laugh it off anyway–

I find this trait to be slightly annoying– and slightly endearing… I’ve also found it something I can’t sleep without. I get these panic attacks before i go to sleep– and my brain keeps screaming threats and obscenities at me, and that i’m useless and that i’m stupid, that i’m going to fail my math class by some kind of default, and that i’m lame, I’m fat, I’m ugly, and I can’t seem to fight it, but Monkey seems to chase my brain away, allowing me to sleep without the panic induced coughing and the nightmares.

Those are what I hate the most. The nightmares.

night·mare – n.

1. A dream arousing feelings of intense fear, horror, and distress.

2. An event or experience that is intensely distressing.

3. A demon or spirit once thought to plague sleeping people. we’re looking into the first one there.

I don’t know how to describe them… and it’s sort of wrong that i still have them, considering the fact that i’m almost ninteen. i’m a sissy. I have no way of controlling my brain, and especially not my subconscious which attacks me all the time anyway. And I have no way of explaining why Monkey makes all the bad things go away.

All I can say is that it’s addictive. Sleeping. Sleeping well. Something that a sleep deprived person clings to. *meeps* So sorry there Monkey. I’m sure (if you’re even reading this) you find this irreversibly weird. *Shrugs* I gotta say what i gotta say, and maybe by saying it, i can make it go away, or figure it out. I have to admit, i’ve lost all the ‘ooey gooey’ feelings for Monkey now. I care for him, he’s my friend, and i’ve found he can solve my insomnia.

On a completely different note….

All my life, i’ve been wanting something. To fill this space I have inside of me, and empty emotional void. I guess I was born with it. Who knows. Sometimes my mom says I must have One dandy of a husband waiting to make me feel complete like that.

So my entire life, i’ve been wanting to get married. Despite the fact that i’ve grown up surrounded by what i’d call unsuccessful marriages, i still want it. I think about it. I know what kind of wedding dress I want and where i want my reception to be, and I know i don’t want anyone i (or my future husband) don’t know personally to be invited. I know that it scares me. I know that the divorce rate is too high for my liking, and that i positively absolutely cannot enter into marriage even THINKING that divorce is an option (for simple problems, not complex such as abuse or infidelity) and i know that after wishing and hoping and dreaming my entire life— i’m tired of waiting.

Because after all of that, i’ve dreamed myself into some kind of anti-social place where i talk to no one who doesn’t talk to me. I’m scared, and i’m tired, and I can’t sleep– because i ahven’t talked to the one of the two people (near by) that i consider to be my best friend. I’m so tired of being chased by men with faces i cannot see in my dreams at night.

I”m so tired of not being able to sleep.

Derringer Meryl [I’m so tired but I can’t sleep] Out

Psh. Like The Specialist actually DID lyric spews before me. Yeah right. *blinks* I don’t know. his blog doesn’t go as far back as mine does, so i’m not sure — but I started lyric spewing the end of my junior year of high school.

Cha.

I’ve spent my day reading fanfictions. I love to read stories. AU stories, Romance stories, Drama, Thriller….

Pretty much anything. I’m a reading freak. Which reminds me–

I was talking to my mom last night, who unfortunately gets no alter title other than my mom…. sorry, about how i hate going to school. She says she thinks that I may becoming agoraphobic… Or afraid of going out into public. I can understand what she means… but I think it’s actually the fear of interacting with people I don’t know. I’m not scared of the mall… err… most malls…. and I”m not scared of the doctors office (cept the germs, icky) I’m not scared of any of that… I’m petrified of school.

It’s the forced interaction of people, who otherwise wouldn’t talk to each other. I don’t do well with the idea of making small talk with someone. *frowns* I’m no good at it, and i …. I hate doing it. I hate talking to people. Conversing with random people, annoys me. Frustrates me. ANd it’s freakishly ridiculous that it’s expected of me.

My mom says I can’t be afraid of people cause “How do you expect to get married….?” and I think to myself “I sorta hoped he’d be introduced to me, or that…. well that we’d be forced friends. Two people in an unsavory situation (like work or school) and that i wouldn’t have to start the conversation…. and … I don’t know. Sue me. I don’t like to talk to people…. *mutter mutter*”

Yeah. Maybe I don’t want to get married RIGHT now. Maybe I’ll have to take sometime to get over things…. and MAYBE it’s going to take someone else to really bring me out of my shell. Good grief.

Invasion from Within Tsunami Bomb

Enemy inside of me!

I’m caught! I cannot kick them out

Their claws are wrapped around my throat and they are squeezing tighter

Insanity is coming over me

Their every wish is my command

No way out!

I feed them, you will too!

They’re gonna take control of you!

You’ll know when they have got you trapped

Everything looks cloudy and you feel like you’re on fire

Inhabited, I wish that I were dead

My blood has turned from red to black

No way out!

When they come for you

They see right through your flesh and bones for soon you’ll be their home

They know you deep inside, the things you can’t try to hide

No hope after the first bite

Look out ’cause they are onto you

They’ll cut you open, crawl inside and you’ll be lost forever

Don’t try to run ’cause you’re the chosen one

Your world is gone, no turning back

No way out!

Derringer Meryl [Nothing works out right] Out

What really gives me the willies about weddings

So tonight was my friend’s wedding reception. She’s only a couple of months older than me, so it’s a little odd to see her getting married… But anyway, She was a stunning Bride, and she seemed very VERY happy to be getting married. She felt it was right, he felt it was right, so they did. Happy for them. 🙂

What I hate about weddings.

The constant You’ll be next! vibe you get from people. It’s more than likely true, that i will NOT be next. I don’t know anyone that well, or have even dated that many people or ANYTHING like that. So– No. I won’t be. And I want to know how you’re not supposed to feel really shitty after coming home from something like that. I mean, you’re alone, and the bride and groom had rooms full of people who cared enough to come see them…. and you’re about two cats from being the crazy cat lady people find dead, slaughtered by some maniac they allowed into their life because they were so desperately lonely. It’s insane!

I’ve never been popular. Ever, by any stretch of the imagination. I’ve never been admired for traits, or anything like that. The people i once held near and dear to my heart as friends have become complete jerks to me. and when someone is where i want to be, i have to evaluate what i’m doing in my life to make it so shitty. And I know exactly what it is.

You’re not social enough.

Blah. I hate people. I hate sitting with people. I hate chatting randomly with people. I love sarcasm, and satire, and being bitter. I love myself that way, and i enjoy the company of people who are like that. Bitter-life-haters. People who smile too much genuinely get on my nerves, to the bitter end. There are a few of them I can stand, and even admire for how they smile even through the shitty stuff, cause i know i can’t…. heck, i can’t even smile through the good stuff, cause i’m always waiting for the other shoe to drop…. and it always does right after the good stuff happens.

Speaking of my lack of sociality (or whatever it’s called… i have no clue, i’m not social, so i don’t know) It made me think of Gert. Poor Gert. *sighs* He had a crush on another girl, and …. she’s taken. *Frowns* Poor guy. Man. It must really suck to be him. And I have all these things swishing around inside of my head (Sloshing, like fine brandy…) that i wish i could say to him, and i do (Just in my dreams) that would make him feel a million times better, but i just keep my mouth shut because he’s my boss. *shakes her head* I have the worst timing ever. i’ve considered going to Dateless’ store so i could date Gert, but i’m not sure i could stand the Animeboi they have working there. He’s just so irritating…. and scary. Besides, me working there, would not guarantee that Gert would even want to go out with me. *sighs* Probably not.

He likes skinny girls. Very petite girls. I am NOT a petite girl. By any means.

*Rolls her eyes and tosses some salt over her shoulder* Meh. Week after week sucks to no end. Lost 5 pounds, (Of the ten i gained recently) but i’m captain fluctuate-y– so who knows how long that’ll last.

Anyway, I have another chapter of my story to write, so i might want to start on that. 🙂 Else wise the many shall chase after me, and I shall die in the throes.

Derringer Meryl [Dressed in Black] Out