Undone

Chatting with Mandarin tonight i came to the stark realization of “I’m going to have to sit through an entire reception, that isn’t ours…”

You see, Scott’s best friend (whom i have no little name for) is getting married in less than a month. Scott is his best man. (wahoo!) Scott’s friend is great to him, and they’ve known each other forever and a day… so that all is grand.

But for those of you who know me, know that i do not handle large groups of people with any kind of ease. My therapist thought it would be theraputic to have me work in retail to help with the fear and panic i feel when surrounded by people… i guess it has a lot. I mean I’m not so defensive anymore. Like it used to take me five minutes and I was in defense mode (sometimes shorter amounts of time) I feel like scum though. Like I should just deal with all of that and stay with Scott. I dont’ know if His friend (and his wife to be) are having a real line or not, but if they are, its’ just tough. I mean, It’s like being in the same place as someone, but not being iwth them. What use is that? It’s like ditching your date at the Prom (I did that BTW)

And yes I felt awful about that too.

Sure, i know people won’t be mobbing me or anything at their reception (uh Duh) because it’s not my day. It’s just the hustle and bustle that i get caught up in, and it stresses me out, freaks me out, and i just get tired and I sorta lose control of myself. Not a good combination.

Like once I was at a party, it didn’t even have … like fifteen people, tops… and I was telling them to please be quiet. They didn’t listen. I told them that the next person to (I think it was) pop a balloon, i’d slap them. I guess that was kind of a warning. But I did it. I ended up slapping a really good friend of mine who (at the time) was about to go get surgery on her jaw.

I get testy. I don’t mean to. Really. *grumbles* I’ll talk to Scott about this all, I’m sure we can come to a resolution that doesn’t make me feel like the scum of the earth.

Derringer Meryl [Missing Scott] Out

What really gives me the willies about weddings

So tonight was my friend’s wedding reception. She’s only a couple of months older than me, so it’s a little odd to see her getting married… But anyway, She was a stunning Bride, and she seemed very VERY happy to be getting married. She felt it was right, he felt it was right, so they did. Happy for them. 🙂

What I hate about weddings.

The constant You’ll be next! vibe you get from people. It’s more than likely true, that i will NOT be next. I don’t know anyone that well, or have even dated that many people or ANYTHING like that. So– No. I won’t be. And I want to know how you’re not supposed to feel really shitty after coming home from something like that. I mean, you’re alone, and the bride and groom had rooms full of people who cared enough to come see them…. and you’re about two cats from being the crazy cat lady people find dead, slaughtered by some maniac they allowed into their life because they were so desperately lonely. It’s insane!

I’ve never been popular. Ever, by any stretch of the imagination. I’ve never been admired for traits, or anything like that. The people i once held near and dear to my heart as friends have become complete jerks to me. and when someone is where i want to be, i have to evaluate what i’m doing in my life to make it so shitty. And I know exactly what it is.

You’re not social enough.

Blah. I hate people. I hate sitting with people. I hate chatting randomly with people. I love sarcasm, and satire, and being bitter. I love myself that way, and i enjoy the company of people who are like that. Bitter-life-haters. People who smile too much genuinely get on my nerves, to the bitter end. There are a few of them I can stand, and even admire for how they smile even through the shitty stuff, cause i know i can’t…. heck, i can’t even smile through the good stuff, cause i’m always waiting for the other shoe to drop…. and it always does right after the good stuff happens.

Speaking of my lack of sociality (or whatever it’s called… i have no clue, i’m not social, so i don’t know) It made me think of Gert. Poor Gert. *sighs* He had a crush on another girl, and …. she’s taken. *Frowns* Poor guy. Man. It must really suck to be him. And I have all these things swishing around inside of my head (Sloshing, like fine brandy…) that i wish i could say to him, and i do (Just in my dreams) that would make him feel a million times better, but i just keep my mouth shut because he’s my boss. *shakes her head* I have the worst timing ever. i’ve considered going to Dateless’ store so i could date Gert, but i’m not sure i could stand the Animeboi they have working there. He’s just so irritating…. and scary. Besides, me working there, would not guarantee that Gert would even want to go out with me. *sighs* Probably not.

He likes skinny girls. Very petite girls. I am NOT a petite girl. By any means.

*Rolls her eyes and tosses some salt over her shoulder* Meh. Week after week sucks to no end. Lost 5 pounds, (Of the ten i gained recently) but i’m captain fluctuate-y– so who knows how long that’ll last.

Anyway, I have another chapter of my story to write, so i might want to start on that. 🙂 Else wise the many shall chase after me, and I shall die in the throes.

Derringer Meryl [Dressed in Black] Out