Undone

Have you ever been so exhausted that you simply cannot sleep? I know Sarah McLaughlin and Marco have, Hence the writing at One in the morning. 🙂

Heh.

I guess i’m holding out some kind of wicked hope that Monkey might get online. Sleeping isn’t really sleeping unless you know everyone is alright. *blinks*

I couldn’t sound MORE like a psychotic wench could I? I’m odd and I’m wrong, but talking to him relaxes me. He reminds me that not everything in life needs to be stress filled. I can talk to him and honestly not worry about one thing I say. He’d just laugh it off anyway–

I find this trait to be slightly annoying– and slightly endearing… I’ve also found it something I can’t sleep without. I get these panic attacks before i go to sleep– and my brain keeps screaming threats and obscenities at me, and that i’m useless and that i’m stupid, that i’m going to fail my math class by some kind of default, and that i’m lame, I’m fat, I’m ugly, and I can’t seem to fight it, but Monkey seems to chase my brain away, allowing me to sleep without the panic induced coughing and the nightmares.

Those are what I hate the most. The nightmares.

night·mare – n.

1. A dream arousing feelings of intense fear, horror, and distress.

2. An event or experience that is intensely distressing.

3. A demon or spirit once thought to plague sleeping people. we’re looking into the first one there.

I don’t know how to describe them… and it’s sort of wrong that i still have them, considering the fact that i’m almost ninteen. i’m a sissy. I have no way of controlling my brain, and especially not my subconscious which attacks me all the time anyway. And I have no way of explaining why Monkey makes all the bad things go away.

All I can say is that it’s addictive. Sleeping. Sleeping well. Something that a sleep deprived person clings to. *meeps* So sorry there Monkey. I’m sure (if you’re even reading this) you find this irreversibly weird. *Shrugs* I gotta say what i gotta say, and maybe by saying it, i can make it go away, or figure it out. I have to admit, i’ve lost all the ‘ooey gooey’ feelings for Monkey now. I care for him, he’s my friend, and i’ve found he can solve my insomnia.

On a completely different note….

All my life, i’ve been wanting something. To fill this space I have inside of me, and empty emotional void. I guess I was born with it. Who knows. Sometimes my mom says I must have One dandy of a husband waiting to make me feel complete like that.

So my entire life, i’ve been wanting to get married. Despite the fact that i’ve grown up surrounded by what i’d call unsuccessful marriages, i still want it. I think about it. I know what kind of wedding dress I want and where i want my reception to be, and I know i don’t want anyone i (or my future husband) don’t know personally to be invited. I know that it scares me. I know that the divorce rate is too high for my liking, and that i positively absolutely cannot enter into marriage even THINKING that divorce is an option (for simple problems, not complex such as abuse or infidelity) and i know that after wishing and hoping and dreaming my entire life— i’m tired of waiting.

Because after all of that, i’ve dreamed myself into some kind of anti-social place where i talk to no one who doesn’t talk to me. I’m scared, and i’m tired, and I can’t sleep– because i ahven’t talked to the one of the two people (near by) that i consider to be my best friend. I’m so tired of being chased by men with faces i cannot see in my dreams at night.

I”m so tired of not being able to sleep.

Derringer Meryl [I’m so tired but I can’t sleep] Out