Undone

It’s late, and i have to say, i don’t feel like sleeping. I hate it. I hate going to sleep…. and i’ll tell you why…

i’m sure you don’t care, but PSH, I dont’ care that you dont’ care

There’s no one there with me.

Yeah, iknow i sound like a perv…. but i’m a cuddler. I know i am. I love to cuddle things. and honestly, a stuffed animal doesn’t really cuddle back well…. and i hate it. I hate sleeping, and even though I need to, i wait until the brink of exhaustion and fall asleep then. It’s been that way for months now. I wouldn’t call it …. Um.. Insomnia– it’s just… If you’ve read in here before You know how i am about this. It’s like, just another night, alone. and i hate that feeling. the alone feeling.

The feeling that you’re going to spend every night of your life alone like that… That I’m going to spend every night of my life alone like that.

it’s a depressing thought…. and it makes me stay awake. Makes me say, “You’re going to stay awake until you find someone, dang it!” even though I can’t…. *rubs her head* God I’m getting tired.

*sighs* I’m a sad lonely little perv, aren’t I?

Derringer Meryl [Broke 500] Out

Have you ever been so exhausted that you simply cannot sleep? I know Sarah McLaughlin and Marco have, Hence the writing at One in the morning. 🙂

Heh.

I guess i’m holding out some kind of wicked hope that Monkey might get online. Sleeping isn’t really sleeping unless you know everyone is alright. *blinks*

I couldn’t sound MORE like a psychotic wench could I? I’m odd and I’m wrong, but talking to him relaxes me. He reminds me that not everything in life needs to be stress filled. I can talk to him and honestly not worry about one thing I say. He’d just laugh it off anyway–

I find this trait to be slightly annoying– and slightly endearing… I’ve also found it something I can’t sleep without. I get these panic attacks before i go to sleep– and my brain keeps screaming threats and obscenities at me, and that i’m useless and that i’m stupid, that i’m going to fail my math class by some kind of default, and that i’m lame, I’m fat, I’m ugly, and I can’t seem to fight it, but Monkey seems to chase my brain away, allowing me to sleep without the panic induced coughing and the nightmares.

Those are what I hate the most. The nightmares.

night·mare – n.

1. A dream arousing feelings of intense fear, horror, and distress.

2. An event or experience that is intensely distressing.

3. A demon or spirit once thought to plague sleeping people. we’re looking into the first one there.

I don’t know how to describe them… and it’s sort of wrong that i still have them, considering the fact that i’m almost ninteen. i’m a sissy. I have no way of controlling my brain, and especially not my subconscious which attacks me all the time anyway. And I have no way of explaining why Monkey makes all the bad things go away.

All I can say is that it’s addictive. Sleeping. Sleeping well. Something that a sleep deprived person clings to. *meeps* So sorry there Monkey. I’m sure (if you’re even reading this) you find this irreversibly weird. *Shrugs* I gotta say what i gotta say, and maybe by saying it, i can make it go away, or figure it out. I have to admit, i’ve lost all the ‘ooey gooey’ feelings for Monkey now. I care for him, he’s my friend, and i’ve found he can solve my insomnia.

On a completely different note….

All my life, i’ve been wanting something. To fill this space I have inside of me, and empty emotional void. I guess I was born with it. Who knows. Sometimes my mom says I must have One dandy of a husband waiting to make me feel complete like that.

So my entire life, i’ve been wanting to get married. Despite the fact that i’ve grown up surrounded by what i’d call unsuccessful marriages, i still want it. I think about it. I know what kind of wedding dress I want and where i want my reception to be, and I know i don’t want anyone i (or my future husband) don’t know personally to be invited. I know that it scares me. I know that the divorce rate is too high for my liking, and that i positively absolutely cannot enter into marriage even THINKING that divorce is an option (for simple problems, not complex such as abuse or infidelity) and i know that after wishing and hoping and dreaming my entire life— i’m tired of waiting.

Because after all of that, i’ve dreamed myself into some kind of anti-social place where i talk to no one who doesn’t talk to me. I’m scared, and i’m tired, and I can’t sleep– because i ahven’t talked to the one of the two people (near by) that i consider to be my best friend. I’m so tired of being chased by men with faces i cannot see in my dreams at night.

I”m so tired of not being able to sleep.

Derringer Meryl [I’m so tired but I can’t sleep] Out

I am running on

about an hour and fifteen minutes

of sleep.

Lately i’ve been plagued with nightmares. i won’t go into detail. really. i won’t. i don’t care to, as they make me cry in fear in the middle of the day. Seriously. I’m not kidding. Tears, flow, down my face in fear.

really. i don’t know what to do to convince you. YOU UNBELIEVING JERK!! Okay, okay, i may have overreacted there, but i’m serious. I’m so tired. It’s not even funny.

My emotions are out of whack from the lack of sleep, and my sabbatical from taking my medication, among other things… like the constant social (very much local) pressure to get married. God. And my parent’s don’t like my friends, and demand that I go to college, and get a better job, and God.

it just feels like everyone is screaming at me YOU’RE NOT GOOD ENOUGH and I never will be. I’ll never have all my plates spinning at once. I just won’t. I don’t know anyone who does, but i feel the pressure. I need to be skinnier, and to wear my makeup everyday, and to smile and sell things well, and get chores done, and crafts, and cook, and smile.

I’m so tired of the smiling. But I don’t know how to not live that way. I don’t know how to make this all stop. I can’t say no to my parents, and I can’t say no to college and my job. I can’t make it all go away.

And even though I can hear the devil himself whispering to me about what i could do to make it all go away, i won’t give him my soul …. by killing myself.

I can’t do that.

And GOD DAMN those scientists who came up with anti-depressants. For getting you hooked and making you sick, and making you notice so much more the holes in your walls because… because on the drug all you see is happy flowers and happy trees, but off, everyone seems to hunt you down…

I don’t want to need the pills anymore. God, I want some rest with out the pills. I guess someone is always asking for something, but I just want God. I want to go home.

Derringer Meryl [Little Hi, Little Low] Out