Undone

With my thoughts of a 30 day optimism challenge, my job decided, “Why don’t I make things interesting” and I have never been this busy at a job, EVER. I seriously mean it. I have had back to back calls, yes. Undoubtedly. I’ve experienced that almost my whole call center career (haha, career) but when it’s slow, I’m busier than when I have calls. Following up on forms, closing out cases, calling people back, etc etc. It’s BUSY. I am open to close jam packed busy. (for that matter, i don’t think I even had time for an afternoon break) In any case, Busy busy busy. THEN i had some lady rip me a new one, and after 6 years in the biz, you’d think I’d be fine with that. I’ve had single moms tell me their sob stories about how I was stealing food out of their kid’s mouths, I’ve had old people tell me that I was robbing them. There are stories from my jobs that STILL haunt me, and have made me bitter against our government and the way they treat our Veterans, etc. I should probably let go….

In any case, she ripped me a new one, and for the first time in a long time (since 2007) my job made me cry.Don’t get me wrong. I have cried at work, A LOT. I was pregnant at work, and cried A LOT, so there you go. But crying nonsensically about work issues, haven’t done that in a while. It wasn’t that she got to me, it was that she made me feel like I was bad at my job. And damnit, I’m pretty fabulous for being there only 4 weeks or so. She can eat it, because it turned out to be HER fault not ours.

Anyway, I have been continuously debating whether I should go back to therapy. I say to myself “Was it helping?” and the answer was “Yes” but then i ask “was it creating more problems?” and the answer is also yes. So it leaves me in a dilemma. Should I seek help again somewhere else? Should I just stop all together? Should I just go back to the same therapist. Messy. Annoying. STRESSFUL.

I like to think that I’m a person who has their head on straight, and is thinking clearly, but the truth is, not always. I try to fact check as much as possible. I like to talk to other people to make sure I’m not… fabricating things.

I know I tend to err on the side of the dramatic. I’m not trying to make a fuss, drama is me. It’s how I feel. it’s in my heart, in my head. It makes me broken.

Derringer Meryl {uh oh, it’s getting late} out

I’ll be honest, my pessimism brings me down, a lot. (as we discussed in my last post) but a wonderful lady from my message board suggested a 30 day no negativity challenge. I think this will be great to go hand in hand with my 35 day (ish) losing weight challenge before DQ’s wedding. Gotta do it.

I can’t believe it, i ran a mile last night. I wasn’t winded from it… but my throat felt like it it was going to close up. My Co-worker and I are speculating that it may be because i was breathing in dry air, and then the moist air of my shower relaxed my throat. In any case, I am going to oscillate through a few different exercises. First, running on the tredmil, probably Monday and Tuesdays, easy peasy. Wednesday and Thursday will be wii fit, and Friday will be Julian’s Shred, which kicks my butt, two days of rest and good eating (healthy eating, ;)) and then start all over. I think we all know that two days is a good amount of time to recover from Julian’s Shred. She’ll kick your booty. No time to rest in her work outs. she talks at you while she jumps around. But I’m excited. After 35 days, i may calm my exercise schedule down, but I want to continue. Exercise will naturally keep me feeling happier, thanks to endorphins.

and you know what? if I don’t stay with my rigorous schedule, if I miss a day, or don’t feel like it sometimes, it’s OK. Really. Because I’m not perfect. And while that sounds a bit like a cop out, or an excuse, it’s not. It’s reality. I’m not perfect, and I’ll do my best to stick with it, and drink my water instead of diet coke, I’ll probably make a few mistakes, and that’s OK 🙂 As long as I start over and try again! 🙂

Failure isn’t when you don’t achieve your goals, it’s when you stop trying to.

I can already feel that this 30 day no negativity is going to be awesome. I LOVE MY LIFE!! 🙂 It’s hard, but worth it! 😀

Derringer Meryl [Feeling Very Up] Out

AKA: the one where I discuss why I work Customer Service.

Most people don’t say “OH I LOVE to work Customer Service!” Because we can all admit, people can be big fat jerky jerks sometimes, which sucks. No one wants to deal with someone who is angry. I don’t like angry people, and while there are people who do, they are probably some sort of masochist and have jobs doing something else that is kind of kinky.

*ahem*

anyway. I work it because I need to. Not like it fulfills me in a way that nothing else can (which again, kinky sounding?) It just is something I need to do, because, well we all do what we need to survive.

I just wonder sometimes if those people who call someone in a call center realize that talking on the phone isn’t these people’s passion. It’s a job. They do the best they can, and then they go home. No one in a call center (save supervisors maybe) go home thinking “how can I make my job better?” Nope. You go home and you try not to think about the fact you’re going back tomorrow. Typically anyway.

If you’re lucky like me, you work in a marvelous wonderland of free diet coke (you should be hearing angels singing at this point) and nice coworkers, a super CEO/CFO who just make you want to come to work. It’s still hard. VERY HARD for me to not just stay at home (though I know it’d be bad for us) but, it’s nice that if I HAVE to work, to work some place where people are funny and joke, like I do, and they understand you’re a human, and that you have needs. and the phones are so nice (that is the people on the phones, that you talk to) that you don’t mind that your break is only 10 minutes. You know that the office functions like a well oiled machine, and everyone is happy and willing to help…

it’s amazing.

I feel bad for my former Verio Co-workers. They lost some of their pay, and their differential is completely gone. How sad. 🙁 No commentary on the company’s choice, i don’t want to get in any sort of trouble for that. It’s just unfortunate for my friends.
In any case…

I am happy. Which feels odd. After being 7 different shades of miserable for over two years, it feels good, and scary to be happy. Which I realize is stupid. (HAHA) but I have been trying to eliminate a lot of my negative self talk, and remove my ideals. Not like Ideals like being a good person and what good people do. But I seem to think that my house needs to be spotless and that my kids should always be clean and dinner should be cooked and kids should be happy, etc etc…

I can’t force things to be perfect. I feel like I’ve been trying to shove a square peg into a round hole for 2 years. I’ve been trying to balance things out. Trying to make things like they were before. Before we had kids, and it’s been frustrating me that I can’t make it that way. But that’s just how it is. I can’t be the mother my mom was, because quite frankly, I’m not my mother. I can’t be the perfect wife, but I can be a pretty damn good one 😉

Like Mal says:

Mercy is the mark of a great man.
(stabs Atherton)
Guess I’m just a good man.
(stabs Atherton again)
Well, I’m alright.

I guess I’m just a good wife, good mom, and good person. That’s ok, and sometimes I’m great, sometimes I feel PERFECT (or as perfect as I can be) and I am happy, that’s great. But– I can’t be like that all the time. It’s not possible. Not even if I stayed at home. Not even if I cloned myself. I’m not lazy, I’m not stupid, I’m not anything but Imperfect. And Scott Loves me that way.

I need to love me and my imperfections too.

Derringer Meryl [BREAKTHROUGH] Out

that’s right, I’m on edge, for some reason. (and I don’t mean the cellphone network) I just feel antsy all of the sudden?

I have been going to therapy still. I feel like i’ve turned a very positive corner by leaving Verio. They were a great employer for a long time for me, but it came time, and very evident, that it was time for me to part from Verio. I won’t say anything bad about them, mostly because I don’t like to burn my bridges.
I took a week off (as I mentioned before) and my therapist could tell an obvious difference in me, he said I seemed more relaxed, and like I was taking care of myself. It’s true. I was. I am. I’m trying. I’m putting an effort forth. It’s difficult to remember myself. LIke how I should be tucking myself into a cooshy bed right now instead of blogging. Part of my brain says “KISS MY BUTT SENSIBLE SIDE!!” and I’m staying up. Whee.

New job is great. They are so… HAPPY and sensible, and … relaxed. Don’t let me fool you, they are SERIOUS on security, SUPER SERIOUS! But it’s fun, and they joke and we all kid… and it’s great. Tomorrow I start listening to calls. I’m excited and nervous.

And tired.
Derringer Meryl [So much more to say, tired though] Out

So we have been, over the past year, trying to potty train Kate. There hasn’t been a great opportunity because Audrey was still pretty little and was clingy. Overall, I was just at work and busy feeding Audrey and just generally tired. Well, the time has come (the walrus said) to potty train Kate. She had, up to this point, been spotty about going potty (I rhymed) she would, on occasion sit on it and potty. Finally Kate and I went out and got a BUNCH of undies. I let her pick out most of them. Pretty much pull ups weren’t cutting it. We started thursday and something just clicked. she’s doing AMAZING at staying dry at night (which is awesome IMO!!) and has only had 2-3 accidents, mostly relating to poop. Which I’m fine with. It takes time. I mean, it’s not FUN, but its’ great what she’s achieving.

Other things about Kate, we got her a chapter book today for the first time. We’re reading Matilda, by Roald Dahl. It’s one of Scott’s favorites (Roald Dahl is a great author for kids) I’ve never read any Roald Dahl Before, so it’s fun to read with her. Also it’s immensely entertaining so far.

Kate has also fallen in love with Futurama. It all started when Scott and I were trying to watch some of the new episodes, and Scott mentioned to Katie that it’s from the creator of the Simpsons. Ever since then, Fry and Leela have become staples at our house. Thanks to Netflix, we have all the episodes. we have been enjoying a lot of media lately, thanks to netflix.

Bed time though, oh my, has become a battle of “i so scared” Which frankly is  hooey. I know it is, because she just has been using it to stall bedtime as well as using “I can’t sleep” which is also hooey. very frustrating. I’m sure I’m just getting back what I gave… 😛 Oh well!! Maybe that’s why I have two girls, to give back all the drama I created HAHA.

My therapy has been going well. We are really trying to get to the root of my issues. Which is great. Previous therapists have given me what I like to think of as “mental bandaids” and this therapist really seems to want to know why I work the way I do, which seems to be important to fixing the fundamental problem. IE: are we fixing the root of the issue or just the surface? So i’m happy and excited about that. We have been discussing in depth that I need to value and prize myself enough to do the things it takes to be happy. To take care of myself. Which is a challenge for me. Somewhere in my brain I have it ingrained that to be a stellar mom, and wife, that I need to take a perma-backseat to everyone else. Which may, for some people, work well. BUT I have, with the people in my life, re-enforced a standard that I am not important and don’t need to be taken care of. Which is BS. Doesn’t everyone need someone to look out for them? I do, that’s for damn sure. I appreciate the people who see the weakness in me, and strive for me to draw it out. It’s hard to be the person to force someone to look at themselves, very carefully– but I appreciate the people who do!

Derringer Meryl [I do what I want!] Out