Undone

With my thoughts of a 30 day optimism challenge, my job decided, “Why don’t I make things interesting” and I have never been this busy at a job, EVER. I seriously mean it. I have had back to back calls, yes. Undoubtedly. I’ve experienced that almost my whole call center career (haha, career) but when it’s slow, I’m busier than when I have calls. Following up on forms, closing out cases, calling people back, etc etc. It’s BUSY. I am open to close jam packed busy. (for that matter, i don’t think I even had time for an afternoon break) In any case, Busy busy busy. THEN i had some lady rip me a new one, and after 6 years in the biz, you’d think I’d be fine with that. I’ve had single moms tell me their sob stories about how I was stealing food out of their kid’s mouths, I’ve had old people tell me that I was robbing them. There are stories from my jobs that STILL haunt me, and have made me bitter against our government and the way they treat our Veterans, etc. I should probably let go….

In any case, she ripped me a new one, and for the first time in a long time (since 2007) my job made me cry.Don’t get me wrong. I have cried at work, A LOT. I was pregnant at work, and cried A LOT, so there you go. But crying nonsensically about work issues, haven’t done that in a while. It wasn’t that she got to me, it was that she made me feel like I was bad at my job. And damnit, I’m pretty fabulous for being there only 4 weeks or so. She can eat it, because it turned out to be HER fault not ours.

Anyway, I have been continuously debating whether I should go back to therapy. I say to myself “Was it helping?” and the answer was “Yes” but then i ask “was it creating more problems?” and the answer is also yes. So it leaves me in a dilemma. Should I seek help again somewhere else? Should I just stop all together? Should I just go back to the same therapist. Messy. Annoying. STRESSFUL.

I like to think that I’m a person who has their head on straight, and is thinking clearly, but the truth is, not always. I try to fact check as much as possible. I like to talk to other people to make sure I’m not… fabricating things.

I know I tend to err on the side of the dramatic. I’m not trying to make a fuss, drama is me. It’s how I feel. it’s in my heart, in my head. It makes me broken.

Derringer Meryl {uh oh, it’s getting late} out