Undone

Really Spammer guy? I assume you’re a guy. You seem really interested in selling me Levitra or some such crap. STOP IT. Sheesh.

Working on a grocery list. Ever feel like you’re forgetting something? Yeah me too. Audrey went to her … 2 year well check up. Went well. Doctor says she’s Very intellegent. katie wasn’t talking this well at her age, but Audrey has a very smart older sister to teach her all of her tricks. They mimic each other and it’s like having two of the cutest (and most annoying) children ever.

I went to instacare today. I’ve pulled a muscle in my side, It hurts. I cannot pick up anything for 2 weeks over 10 lbs. and rotate through Ibuprofen for 3 days (three times daily) So that’s fun. I’m glad it’s almost the weekend. I’m in a terrible mood lately and It’s probably because I can’t sleep at the right times. I get tired after work and can’t stay awake, but when it comes down to sleeping at night, screw that, I can’t. 😛

Anyway– Better go try and sleep.

Derringer Meryl [Things to do.] Out

I am up to no good.

As usual.

Life has been solid and boring. Our new roof and a/c make life worth living though. Scott took me on a SURPRISE date to Captain America and a YUMMY dinner at Texas Roadhouse. On the way to which our tire exploded. Or just went flat. Whatever, we’re glad we’re safe and have good friends to giggle with on the phone when we call for help. Our tire got stuck on the … uh, thing there, and it wouldn’t come off, I called DQ as her husband is a car genius, and they happened to be passing by where we were. Scott was so frustrated he started kicking the tire which eventually loosened the rust from the wheel and we finally got the spare on. Luckily DQ and her Mechanic hubby didn’t have to stop to help us, but I heard them as they passed! 🙂 Thanks to them for being willing to stop and help! PS: When it comes to changing a tire, I’d rather do it in the heat than in the snow. Point 1 for summer. I got to side road navigate us up to South Towne so we could go to dinner, and buy me a new shirt. We got to the theatre early, which was good. I chatted with another girl who was going in momentarily and overall focused on not having a panic attack at the general amount of people in the room. I don’t know why large crowds make me nervous. It is Unreasonable, and I hate it, but It’s usually a matter of people being close enough to touch me. I don’t like random people touching me. NO TOUCHIE! Anyway, we had a good night, and I’m fairly sure I was going to have food triplets! GEEZY.

I have stalled on my Futurama quilt. I really need to buckle down and get it done. REALLY REALLY. I am not doing so well at that though. Every night after the girls go to bed, I think about it. But I never DO it. I need to. I am in this weird funk of “I want do that, but I don’t want to do all the stuff that comes with it.” Like I want to quilt, but I don’t want to get the quilt out and the thread, and the scissors, and then put it all away when I’m done. Also– I thought I knew how to make binding, but I’m thinking I was wrong. I haven’t cut into any of my fabric yet, Luckily, but I’ll definitely need to at some point. (adoi) I’ll probably watch a bunch of youtube videos or something. Hopefully I can get Katie’s quilt done before September. I just have Leela’s face and the space ship left. (PLANET EXPRESS!)

I do often dream of the day  that I no longer work any more. At least outside of the home. I don’t imagine being at home every day is a picnic, but it’s gotta be better than being at work and trying to manage a home and all the things that go a long with it. I am tired of doing too much. Working and managing a house is impossible. I’m not going to think about it– I have dishes that need done, et al, and I can’t think about it when I have a full docket today anyway.

I’m excited for Christmas. NOW NOW! Before y ou throw your arms in the air and say “MERYL REALLY!? It’s not even August yet!!” I say, this is the first job where I get a christmas Bonus. FOR ONE, and for another, I will be instigating the Family Christmas present of Disneyland again this year. I liked it the best. It’s really pretty much the same price. I like it better. I like going some place and relaxing. Not caring, and just taking a week, to chill and be happy in California. I am looking forward to it. It will be a bit more expensive, now that Katie is old enough to get a ticket, but it will also be more FUN. Two princess dresses to wear, two kids to squeal over princesses, TWICE AS MUCH!! And Beignets. OH YES! I must start dieting now. I MUST, to lose weight in time for the trip, so I can buy some new clothes! (haha) Dieting so i can gain it all back in Disneyland! We’re planning on going in March next year. I’m Excited. Can you tell? really really really really REALLY excited.

Derringer Meryl [WHEE!] out

WARNING: HORRIBLY OFFENSIVE POST AHEAD:

You know what needs to go? People saying that mom’s just don’t get a day off from being moms. I call BULLSHIT (sorry for the swearing mom) I will full on agree that my mom has been pluggin’ at being a mom (and has worn other hats at the same time too) for nigh on 30 odd years. She gets tired, and i won’t lie and say she’s never asked for help or anything, but everyone deserves a hand…. and that’s what I’m saying. It’s bullshit that we say things like “that’s just how it is being a mom” NO. No it’s not. That’s how we let it be being a mom. It’s like women (myself included) enjoy being some sort of martyr or what not to the cause of perfect motherhood. BS!! *throws something against the wall* I am Meryl and I am here to stand proud and say it loud that I AM NOT PERFECT, and I like it that way. I don’t always make a home made dinner from oats that I rolled by hand that morning while watching the sunrise, or some such BS. If you can do that, great. FABULOUS. If you love doing that, EVEN MORE POWER TO YOU. But don’t get up in my face waving on and on about “How great” it is what you’re doing. It floats your boat. GOODY For you. It’s like going in front of a person who can’t walk, and tap dancing while singing a song about how fabulous your legs are. JERK. I am physically incapable of doing EVERYTHING right. It’s just not possible. (plugs her ears while someone reads something out of a conference talk or whatever) Yeah, that’s great. But until Elder whats his bucket is going to get down in the trenches and help me muck out my house, I think he can stuff it too.

You know what I do every day? I wake up, far too early for how late I stay up cleaning, go to work. I work for 8 hours with customers who can’t speak English and are upset that I don’t speak… Macedonian or whatever, and I explain to them SOMEONE else’s rules and regulations. It’s not my company. Not that I particularly disagree with anything, but in any case– NOT MY BUSINESS, I tell it like it is, I get them gone, I go on to the next person who wants me to speak Latvian. NO. I don’t. Whatever. I put up with people twisting my words, or just not understanding– pretty much all day, between that I get to deal with some fun co-workers, and not so fun co-workers. Overall, I hear the following in the back of my head “Wonder what the kids are doing? I bet the spilled something on the carpet. What fresh hell awaits you at home? Did they brush their teeth this morning? I bet they didn’t. Don’t forget to reschedule Kate’s appointment. You need to pay the electricity bill. Also you need to do two loads of laundry and mow the lawn on Saturday. I hope it doesn’t rain. I should call Scott. Maybe not, he’s probably sleeping. I should let him sleep. Poor guy doesn’t sleep enough. I hope he’s ok. Maybe I should call and make sure he’s not having a low. I should get him into a doctor already. Did I take my pills today? I can’t remember. What day is it again? Oh I owe so in so some money. I should make sure to pay them back when I see them next. When is our next dentists appointment. I should check out a roofer for our house. I can call them on my break, and set up appointments. I need to look into Loans, do we have enough equity in our house for an equity loan. I don’t think so…..” You get the Idea. that is about an hour of what plays through my head between short conversations with co-workers. I am strategizing and scheduling. I am balancing. ALWAYS. Then I come home, Something has been messed up. INEVITABLY. Not like a little mess. The days where there is a little mess, I’m ok. Whatever. Big messes, like ice cream spread around the kitchen,  laundry party thrown (IE, all clean and dirty laundry intermixed. whee) all the toys taken out, scattered, nail polish/crayon/sharpie on the walls, cake flour dusted through the house, missing children, inexplicable water/soda/juice messes, chalk rubbed into carpet, etc. I’ll admit that all of these don’t happen on one day, but usually at least one a day.

That being said, at least once a month, I Lose it. I don’t mean like stuff gets forgotten, bills go unpaid. But that inner dialogue usually spills into something more like “Why am I doing all of this? Didn’t I ask for some help? why didn’t it get done…” and then it escalates into angry Mommy, and usually someone gets screamed at, over something that would usually simply try my patience. I try to refrain from exploding. I really do. I can hear Sukie saying “You should just let it out when you feel angry, don’t bottle. Your family is full of bottlers” it’s true. We bottle. WE bottle well. Now if we only did it for something useful, Like peaches. Oh well. I should let my anger out, but typically, it tends to be so fleeting that it passes in the moment and I don’t realize that I’ve pushed it down and just decided to conquer the task on my own. I feel, quite frankly, a little bit like Daria’s high school History teacher meets the little red hen.

Seriously, this guy needs to relax. So do I. So when people take and say “oh mom’s don’t get a day off” all I can think is “A vein in my forehead just exploded!” and my face, I imagine, looks a little like this guy’s. Cause If I never get a day where I am not the person making things go, and getting this person to that place, and scheduling appointments and balancing house work and naggy customers, and one really OBNOXIOUS co-worker who doesn’t help out. I might go nuts. I seriously might have a break down. People think I”m over dramatic, but I’m not trying to be. I am trying to do the most that I can without A) looking like a total slacker and B) not going mental. I did work for the post office people. I”m not saying I’m down with guns and what not. Cause, honestly I’d probably shoot myself in the foot and it’d be so funny and… whatever, but I’m saying that I visualize every day, tackling some upper member of management’s back and just bashing their head against the ground.

I realized, ever since I started working, every single day of my life has been worse than the day before it. So that means that every single day that you see me, that's on the worst day of my life.

I also grasp that this is one of the very violent images that springs to mind, but I never act on. Thank God. I just… I don’t think people realize how much I’m doing. Mostly from my ADD. I am consistently doing more than it appears that I am doing. I am never, even while surfing online, doing nothing.
Maybe this is just dawning on me. Maybe this is how everyone is. If that’s the case, how is everyone NOT angry all the time? Oh…. maybe all the women (who aren’t deeply in love with the 1950’s and that mindset) are? Listen, I don’t mind the 1950’s, I’d like to clean house and have dinner ready for my husband when he gets home too. Except he gets home at weird hours… Whatever. I’d like to wear a puffy house dress and vaccuum with pearls on and accidentally drug my children with benedryl so that I can relax and watch some soaps, or something like that. The truth is, I squeeze every last drop of what I can do out of most days. (at least when I’m not super exhausted, haha) I stay up late doing chores I can’t do when the kids are awake. I never see my husband, because he’s at work when I’m at home and I’m at home when he’s at work. Let’s not kid ourselves. We all wish our lives were different. We all would love to win the lottery, for whatever reason.  Even the people who are most satisfied with their lives are wishing for something just a bit more. Does that make us greedy or ambitious? Probably a little of both. All I know is I could use a vacation. A long one. Preferably by myself. Hell. I’d like 10 minutes alone in the bathroom with no one pounding on the door asking what I’m doing. I’m waving the white flag, life. Can’t we all just get along?

Derringer Meryl [What about today? Is today the worst day of your life?] Out

With my thoughts of a 30 day optimism challenge, my job decided, “Why don’t I make things interesting” and I have never been this busy at a job, EVER. I seriously mean it. I have had back to back calls, yes. Undoubtedly. I’ve experienced that almost my whole call center career (haha, career) but when it’s slow, I’m busier than when I have calls. Following up on forms, closing out cases, calling people back, etc etc. It’s BUSY. I am open to close jam packed busy. (for that matter, i don’t think I even had time for an afternoon break) In any case, Busy busy busy. THEN i had some lady rip me a new one, and after 6 years in the biz, you’d think I’d be fine with that. I’ve had single moms tell me their sob stories about how I was stealing food out of their kid’s mouths, I’ve had old people tell me that I was robbing them. There are stories from my jobs that STILL haunt me, and have made me bitter against our government and the way they treat our Veterans, etc. I should probably let go….

In any case, she ripped me a new one, and for the first time in a long time (since 2007) my job made me cry.Don’t get me wrong. I have cried at work, A LOT. I was pregnant at work, and cried A LOT, so there you go. But crying nonsensically about work issues, haven’t done that in a while. It wasn’t that she got to me, it was that she made me feel like I was bad at my job. And damnit, I’m pretty fabulous for being there only 4 weeks or so. She can eat it, because it turned out to be HER fault not ours.

Anyway, I have been continuously debating whether I should go back to therapy. I say to myself “Was it helping?” and the answer was “Yes” but then i ask “was it creating more problems?” and the answer is also yes. So it leaves me in a dilemma. Should I seek help again somewhere else? Should I just stop all together? Should I just go back to the same therapist. Messy. Annoying. STRESSFUL.

I like to think that I’m a person who has their head on straight, and is thinking clearly, but the truth is, not always. I try to fact check as much as possible. I like to talk to other people to make sure I’m not… fabricating things.

I know I tend to err on the side of the dramatic. I’m not trying to make a fuss, drama is me. It’s how I feel. it’s in my heart, in my head. It makes me broken.

Derringer Meryl {uh oh, it’s getting late} out

My former teacher issued a challenge to write every day in my blog for the month of november. Well due to the fact that I didn’t blog yesterday (november 2) I’ve failed. DUN DUN DUN! But hey, it’s all for fun, so why not.

Today was pretty chilly on the way to work. I got kicked out of bed by Katie fairly early on. I wish she would give up the paci and sleep with out it.

The view from my window is gorgeous, as usual. Katie had a great halloween, we had fun at a party. I was a bit cranky at the end, and I’m sorry for that. I got to chat with The Specialist’s fiancee, which was nice. I still haven’t met her, and i seem to be the one person in the universe who hasn’t 🙁 It makes me a little sad, but at the same time I have to keep it in check because I have to deal with the consequences of my choices.

I am enjoying the tunes of Hare Hare Yukai. Thinking about all the housework that needs to be done at home. Wishing I were there to do it. LOL that’s sick, right?

I am happy about things, in general. Sure If i could play things out I wish I had done a few things different… but there is no point in wishing for things to be different… You can’t change the past, only the future, and you can only control yourself, no one else. So I will do my best– I will wokr hard to let go of some of the hard feelings in my heart.

Derringer Meryl [So this is growing up] Out