Undone

Lots to catch up on.

DQ’s wedding was beautiful. I didn’t cry as much as i thought… Even when my little damien child decided to throw a glass (LIKE REAL GLASS) off the table and it shattered and cut my foot. Fun times. i got two stitches and an extra day off of work. Whoo whoo!

I have been working really hard to keep my medicine at an even keel so that I wouldn’t have a huge break down after she left. I think people probably think I’m ridiculous. DQ is my best girl friend. I would do just about anything for her if she asked me to. Seriously. I felt SUPER bad that I had to miss so much of her reception because of my foot, and was really disappointed, but there wasn’t much to do. I am Very glad that her hubby came along and they found each other. I’m so glad she’s happy now. Sure, I’m a bit sad… I miss having someone to hang out with, but I think in a lot of ways, things will be better this way.

In other news:

I’m baby free tonight. whoo whoo. Thanks Lorna. I super appreciate it. Scott super appreciates it. 🙂 We need the time off sometimes. we really run ourselves ragged. We appreciate our awesome families that pull together and help out. My mom and dad took Katie and Audrey when my foot got sliced open so we didn’t have to juggle them at instacare! Scribbles Watched them on Saturday so we could have our date/clean… and Midori (along with Scribbles) came to clean my house today before we all got together for dinner. I love my in laws, I love my family. I feel really blessed!

Derringer meryl [off to bed!] Out

I changed my mind….

From what to what?

I’m sure you’ll all breathe a sigh of relief that I’m not going to dye my hair…. yet. I looked in the mirror last night and I felt gorgeous, and I thought… “I can’t dye my hair when I look like this.” Mostly because while I felt beautiful and relaxed, i also thought “I’m TOO big to dye my hair funky colors” if I’m going to do it I’m going to be skinny and sassy.

So Look for crazy hair about 20 minutes after I lose 80 lbs. haha. I’m trying, again. Every day, every meal, I make a choice about my diet. It’s not a “I’ll do it tomorrow thing” it’s a continuous effort of “SHould I eat this? Should I be eating this much?” I”ll just have to keep trying.

Derringer Meryl [Hair] Out

As a teenager, and even as a young newly wed, I hated Lotion. I thought it was SUCH a HUGE waste of money and time. I didn’t get it. why lotion yourself up and smell gross, etc etc? Not to mention be greased up like a roman wrestler. GEEZE. As a mom though, I walked into Bath and Body works and saw a pair of socks, they smelled like vanilla and they were infused with cashmere lotion. I am a SOCK person, so I slapped them on my feet (obviously after buying them, and all my tense-ness seemed to float away. Oh and I bought a tiny bottle of their new upcoming lotion (Dark Kiss) which smelled delicious.

I went home and relaxed. Feeling pampered for a cool $15, cheaper than a pedicure and faster than a day out, I felt like i mattered and I relaxed a little. I’ve gone back several times since, and bought stuff to plug into my walls to help me forget that i am not a stellar house keeper, and several tiny bottles of shower gel to let me choose what delicious scent I’ll smell like that day. I have a bottle of lotion at my desk at work that I rub on about 50 million times a day, because it’s a nice nervous habit. I found a new and fabulous way to keep myself up. And while I don’t plan on spending  6 million dollars there, i could VERY easily. Why? because sometimes a girl just needs to smell pretty and feel pretty, even if it is just some lotion you plaster on over the fact that you didn’t get to shower that day because you overslept because your toddler was up all night puking and your infant rubbed boogers on your pillow and now they’re tangled in your hair. Essentially, sometimes you need to feel like a woman and not just a mom. I appreciate that feeling! To me, it’s worth the $10-$20 for the feeling of femininity that it brings on. delicate, light and sexy, now If i could just find a scent that makes me feel like i’m a size 8, I’ll be in heaven.

Derringer Meryl [Love BBW] Out

….Good Idea, bad Idea.

Good Idea: maintaining your personality and relationships after having children.

Bad Idea: Going F’ing crazy and dying your hair a funky color.

Or is it?

anyway. Found a dress. Any and all hair dying exploits are currently not happening, there’s a wedding in two weeks that I should at least have my hair look good for. 🙂

Derringer meryl [Adventures in Bleach] Out

still no dress,

hating the lateness of the evening

late nights are my enemy with depression. I wallow. I’m trying to stay better. to feel better.

this year (pardon my french) is shit. I hate it. I hate how I’m falling apart all the time. I hate how lonely I feel. I hate how it’s all my fault. it’s hard to be up when you feel so down. I haven’t given up yet. Have a long to do list. after discussing things, I am calling my therapist, and working things out… I don’t think I’ll go back as often. I do still need help.

I wish i could just magically feel better. I wish I could just let go of all the things about myself I hate. I wish i could truely see what others thought of me.

I wish i could be free of the prison I’ve placed myself in. I wish i could reach out to someone. I’m too scared of what they’d think of me.

here i am. trapped inside my own head, with too much to do, and too little time.

derringer meryl [trapped] out